Authors Note: Alrighty, I have a few shout-outs this chapter. Sonar- Why thank you :) I'm glad you like my story! Bhel-Elryss- Hehe, yes. Yes they do. Tobi was just having a moment of confusion. I guess he forgot this little fact XD. Kitty Uchiha- Thank you so much! I also prefer SasoDei to DeiTobi. I guess I didn't clarify this last time, so I'll clarify it now: When Sasori threatened to tell people that Deidara was involved with Tobi, he wasn't implying that Deidara had a secret relationship with Tobi. He just said that to get Deidara out of his room. Deidara just didn't want a rumor getting around that he was with Tobi, because he wasn't. To all my readers and reviewers- You guys made my day a little brighter. Again, thank you guys so much. I hope you enjoy this chapter!!

Disclaimer: [Insert witty disclaimer here]

The Truth Behind the Uchiha Massacre

The day started off fairly normal for Itachi. He got up at half past nine, slipped his furry weasel slippers on, grabbed a bottle of black nail polish in one hand, and shuffled into the kitchen.

The only other person in the kitchen was Zetsu, who was playing Go Fish by himself, his white half arguing with his black half, saying that he had cheated. Not questioning it, Itachi unconsciously took a seat next to Zetsu's white side.

"You racist asshat!"

This comment made Itachi glance up, bleary eyed and confused. "Ehh…?"

"Shh… Be nice…"

"Hell nah! He ALWAYS sits next to you! It's not fair!! NO ONE LIKES ME!"

"Perhaps, is you didn't eat so much meat- and by meat, I mean people- you would have more friends," Itachi suggests, butting in.

Zetsu glanced over at him, neither side speaking.

"I'm serious! Listen, I can refer you to someone. He's a genius! He'll, like, totally help you get rid of your negative energy so you won't have to take your happy pills every morning… Which reminds me: Did you take them this morning??"

Zetsu remained silent, blinking at him for a moment. Finally, his white side spoke up.

"That'd be great."

"Fuck that! I'm not seeing a fucking shrink!"

"Please! It might really help our or relationship…" The white side pleaded.

"…Fine…"

Itachi brightened. "Great! Here's a number…" He scratches a name and number on a scrap of paper.

Zetsu took the scrap and tucked it safely in his pocket. "Thank you."

Zetsu got up to leave the room, when Tobi ran inside, a tub of weed killed in his hands. Naturally, Tobi bumped into Zetsu and dropped it all over him.

"Oh, no! Tobi's so sorry!!"

"FUCK! AHHH! IT BURRNNNSSSS!"

Zetsu bolted out of the room like hell was at his heels… or however that phrase goes.

Itachi blinked at Tobi. "Why'd you do that to Zetsu-kun?"

Tobbi shrugged before brightening. "Tobi got Itachi-san a present!!"

Itachi's face lit up because, after all, who didn't like a good gift now and then?? "A present!?"

Tobi handed a poorly wrapped bundle with bright pink cloth peeking out through tears in the paper to Itachi, who promptly ripped the paper to shreds, holding the cloth up. It was a bright pink Akatsuki cloak with black hearts all over it. Itachi squealed and hugged the cloth to his chest, beaming up at Tobi.

"Thank you~! This will really bring out my eyes!!"

"You are welcome, Itachi-san. Now, Tobi wants to ask you a question, but please do not get angry at Tobi."

Itachi slipped the cloak on over his pajamas, "Okay, shoot."

"Why'd you kill your clan??"

"Well, I told Sasuke that it was because I wanted to test myself, or whatever… but it was really because my father erased all my soaps from the TiVo and he ate my pocky."

"Why?"

"I don't know… my dada was an ass??"

"Why?"

"Hmm… Maybe it was because my mother wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole…"

"Why?"

"I don't know… perhaps she had a lover…?"

"Why?"

"Probably because my dad was such an ass…"

"Why?"

"We already went over this. Maybe it was because my mother wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole."

"Why?"

"I don't know!"

"Why?"

"Gah~!" Itachi got up to leave, but Tobi stopped him.

"Just one more thing…"

"What… is it?"

"Well… Sasuke is alive…"

"So,,,?"

"You missed a spot…"

"…" Itachi didn't respond, his eyebrow twitching.

"Well, Tobi's not complaining… It's obvious that Sasuke got all the good looks. I mean, that hair is so last century!"

Itachi's eyes welled with tears as he pointed an accusatory finger at Tobi. "MEANIE!!" He exclaimed before rushing out of the room.

Tobi snickered and picked up the forgotten nail polish on the table. "Hehe… Now Tobi doesn't have to buy any. Kakuzu-san would be so proud!!"

I was sooo going to end it here, but I got nibbled by a small plot bunny that would've been too short to put by itself, so here you all are, from the kindness of my heart (gigglesnort XD)

Zetsu sat on the plushy couch, facing the eccentric old man that was seated across from him. He blinked at the old man as he scribbled things down on a notepad.

"Ahem…"

The old man glanced up. "Yess??"

"Well… I am curious as to…"

"What the fuck you're writing..."

"You see… I haven't said anything."

The old man grinned. "well, I'm drawing kitty cats!"

Zetsu's eyes brightened. "Can I see??"

"NO! My kitties!"

Zetus pouted and all was silent for a few minutes when the old man placed his pencil and pad down.

"Anyways. I have a few questions I would like to ask you."

Zetsu nodded towards the old man, signaling him to continue.

"One: Why do you wear a plant? Two: Why is it wilting?"

"Well, Tobi (That fucker) spilled weed killer all over me. And-"

"Ahh… I see…"

"I haven't told you why I wear a plant…"

It's not important. What is important is this: I hear that you're a cannibal."

Zetsu nodded at the old man.

"Well, as of right now, you are not allowed to eat meat! You're pretty fat, you know…"

Black Zetsu's glare intensified as White Zetsu gave a whimper and began to cry. Immediately… Black Zetsu gobbled the old man up. As he licked his fingers, he smirked.

"Only I get to make me cry, bitch!"

"Awwhhh!!"

Zetsu hugged himself and all was well… well, for them, at least.

Author's Notes: And that, is that I had fun writing this, if I may say so myself. Next update might take a while. AP tests start next week -_- I'll try to get a few updates out, though. Also, May 20-23 I'll be in NYC! :D Can't wait… unfortunately, that means no updating for me. I'll try updating before I go because, even though I'll have WiFi in the hotel, I doubt I'll have time to update there. Anywhooo… tah-tah fer naow!!