A/N: Okay so all disclaimers remain the same…even though this story is totally rockin (pun intended) I have no rights and don't own anything.
Wow so all kinds of excuses could be made on my behalf about work and illness and time constraints, but the honest truth is I was feeling less than inspired to write this and couldn't decide on an ending. So after much deliberation and weeks of agonizing I've decided that this is it. Hope you enjoy it!
CHAPTER SEVEN
Face to face, both hearts beat just a little quicker, mocha eyes searched cobalt blue for answers.
Ashley was stunned she stood motionless trying to process reality from all of her dreams.
Spencer knew she was home. All her fears, all her reservations, none of it mattered. She needed Ashley in her life, needed to be connected, to feel complete again. She sucked in a quick breath and blew it out; this was it, now or never.
"Can we talk?" The blonde was surprised by how weak and unsure she sounded. She watched the rock star closely trying to gauge her reaction, but the brunette just looked lost. She made no move to let Spencer enter and still hadn't spoken, the blonde started to ramble.
"I know it's late, maybe I should have called, I mean…you're probably tired and have some…thing…else to do, but I thought maybe…" nervous eyes searched Ashley's face and all she saw was shock, she wasn't sure that the brunette was even listening, "oh what the hell…" acting on instinct the blonde reached out and grabbed Ashley by the lapels and jerked her forward crashing her lips against the rock stars.
Too long, it had been too long since Ashley had felt herself surge with desire. Where her mind was unable to find words her body screamed into overdrive. Her lips were hard and possessive against the blondes. She forced her former lover backwards across the hallway and Spencer's back slammed into the wall.
Ashley's hands were everywhere all at once, both hands splayed across the warm smooth skin of the blonde's stomach and then raced and tripped their way over her ribcage and up her back to her shoulder blades, then down to aggressively clutch and squeeze her backside.
She wasn't thinking she was feeling, everything, desperation, desire, hope, pain, regret, confusion, heartbreak, loneliness, and love. One calloused guitar hand dropped to the back of Spencer's knee and Ashley guided it up so that it was slung over her hip. The brunette adjusted her feet a little, satisfied the blonde was getting the hint, the rock star leveraged the smaller girl until Spencer had both legs wrapped around her waist.
Strong fingers wrapped into the brunette's curls as Spencer adjusted their position to deepen the kiss. Both girls were breathing heavy through their noses, refusing to break for air; they continued their assault, until hollers and wolf whistles brought them back to reality.
Spencer was embarrassed, her ears burned red and she immediately covered her face with her hands. Ashley slowly lowered the blonde to the ground but held them together as Spencer buried her face in the rock stars neck. Turning towards her band mate she flipped him off with a smirk.
"Now that's the rock star we know and love!" Joey came up and thumped Ashley on the back, the sound resonated through to Spencer's ears and she clutched the brunette closer when she recognized the voice. She couldn't believe how out of control they had been, all the years they were together and they had never been caught by the band. Spencer wasn't a prude or shy about PDA's but they were practically having sex in the hallway and they were caught by her least favorite band member.
"Ash?"
Spencer's voice sounded muffled and far away to the brunette. Brown eyes blinked slowly as the fog of the past lifted. Spencer was standing outside her dressing room door again, unexpected, unannounced, the same as she had been back in June. Ashley felt her heart racing as she reconciled the past with reality, she thought she could feel the blonde warm and real in her arms, but found she had been holding onto a dream.
Instinctively the brunette stepped forward, but Spencer retreated. Ashley dropped her head and stepped back, she was still struggling with the memory of the last time she had been with her lover. The brunette flushed and her blood raced as she tried not to think about pressing the blonde against the far wall. Ashley drew in a long breath through her nose and released it slowly between parted lips. She repeated that calming technique several times but still couldn't find the strength to face the beautiful woman in front of her without wanting to ravish her.
"Ashley, please look at me." Spencer ducked her head and tried to see the brunette's face but it was curtained by curls. The blonde took her own calming breath before she spoke again, "I want to talk about us."
Immediately, hesitant brown eyes snapped up to meet hopeful blue. Ashley could hardly trust her ears, considering her tendency lately to become lost in the past, she thought maybe her heart was feeding her mind what she wanted to hear.
The brunette stepped back from the door and gestured for Spencer to enter. Unable to stop herself lust filled eyes traveled the length of the blonde's body and her fingers itched to follow that same path. She watched as the Midwestern girl hesitated and looked around the room before taking a seat on the couch.
The rock star chuckled bitterly, "Yes, I'm alone, but if you don't believe me, feel free to search the place."
A crash of emotion raged in the blonde, one of complete peace at the husky sound of the rock stars voice and the other of jealousy and betrayal. Spencer watched the gorgeous girl sit uncomfortably across from her and the blonde let the war within her dissipate. She needed this woman back in her life.
Spencer tilted her head and tried to summon a reassuring smile to her face, "Ashley, it's none of my business who you…have or don't have…in your dressing room." The blonde's ears burned a little red. Even after all these years the Midwestern girl couldn't bring herself to say the words, it would always pain her to think of her former lover with anyone else. Spencer hesitated before adding, "…but I would like to change that…"
The normally confident, cocky rock star forgot how to breathe. Her fingers twitched and she tapped out a staccato against her knee as she searched Spencer's face for an explanation.
The blonde began her plea, "Ash, I know it was my choice and I'm the one who walked away…twice… but I realize now what a huge mistake I made. I should have talked to you, should have worked through my feelings…we should have dealt with what happened, talked about it…" Spencer paused concerned, it felt like nothing she was saying was coming out right and she was desperate for the brunette to give her some indication that they could try this again. "I meant to, I was going to, last summer, I wanted to talk to you then, but everything happened so fast and….I shouldn't have disappeared again, Ashley I'm…"
The brunette couldn't hear anymore, the woman she loved more than life itself, was in front of her, asking for a second chance. Ashley should have been elated, she should be celebrating in the arms of her lover, but amazingly she felt empty, cold and dead inside. This was everything she wanted, but she couldn't do it.
"I can't." It fell from her lips in a barely audible whisper, but Spencer heard it.
"What? Why?" The blonde could feel her heart racing in her chest. "What do you mean you can't? You can't forgive me for walking away? You can't because you're in another relationship? You can't be monogamous? You can't…" Spencer stopped when she heard Ashley snort in response to her last comment.
Ashley's knee started to bounce and her fingers picked up the pace on the rhythm she was tapping out.
You made a mistake
Spencer breathed out a sigh of relief, thankful that Ashley had listened to her and was willing to talk through this, "Yes, I did…"
The rock star shook her head and held up her hand.
On the day that you met me and lost your way
The blonde was stunned into silence. Did Ashley think their entire relationship had been a mistake? All the wonderful memories, overshadowed by a few indiscretions and poor decisions, Spencer didn't believe that.
You saw all the signsBut you let it go
You closed your eyes
"Ashley stop, I don't regret falling in love with you; I don't think it was a mistake to share the years we had to together…" Spencer was scared the brunette wouldn't make eye contact and she looked so lost and broken. The blonde had no idea how to respond; she dreaded what might happen next, no idea how to get through to someone who wouldn't even look at her.
I should've told you to leave
Spencer got up off the couch and began to pace around the room. She kept glancing at the rock star, but Ashley avoided her gaze.
For the same reasons that the rock star had abstained from calling the blonde, Ashley resisted rebuilding their relationship. If there was anything she could do to be sure Spencer was happy and prove that she would never hurt the blonde again, it was by staying out of her life. The brunette mumbled aloud the thoughts that had always been in the back of her mind.
'Cause I knew all the time you couldn't handle me
Spencer stood hands on her hips staring down at the brunette, "What's that supposed to mean!" The brunette gave no response, emotionally charged the blonde kneeled on the floor in front of the rock star and grabbed Ashley's face with both hands.
Ashley slipped her eyelids closed and refused to see the emotion on Spencer's face. The blonde was so close to her, her fingertips absently stroking the rock stars skin. She was trying to be strong, do the right thing, but she could feel her resolve breaking.
The blonde was beginning to feel desperation claw at her, she felt like not only was she losing an opportunity to be with Ashley again, but the rock star was tearing apart all of the good memories that she held onto over the past two years, "Talk to me Ashley, tell me what your thinking, what your feeling, what I can do to make you love me again."
Spencer watched the brunette swallow thickly and when brown met blue, they were red and glassy from unshed tears.
Ashley opened her mouth to tell Spencer that they were over. That the best thing for the blonde was to leave and never come back, but she was lost and overwhelmed drowning in the emotion that swirled in cobalt eyes. All she wanted to do was pull the blonde to her and hold her and make her promises that she wanted to keep. The words in her head slipped from her lips before she could rein them in.
But you're hard to resist
When you're on your knees, begging me
The blonde was hardly aware that she was moving, until sad eyes slipped closed and she could feel Ashley's breathe warm on her face, but before she could seal the kiss the brunette pulled away.
Ashley reached up and grasped Spencer's wrists, gently pulling herself free from the blonde's soft touch. Her former lover rocked back and sat hard on her heals, obviously staggered by the rejection.
The rock star's thumbs unconsciously caressed Spencer's skin as she tried to find the right words to make the blonde understand.
I tear you down
I make you bleed eternally
Spencer slipped free from Ashley's grasp and scrubbed her hands over her face. This was not how she imagined tonight, not even close. The first of many tears slipped free from her eyes and she swiped at them angry at herself for being emotional and not knowing what to do to change the outcome of this conversation.
Ashley fought the urge to take Spencer in her arms and tell her everything would be okay, but she had already learned once that it wasn't what she did, but what the blonde believed that would bring them to ruin. There was always going to be somebody who snuck into her dressing room, some guy who asked for a kiss, hell some girl that would just grab her and kiss her. She couldn't control the frenzy that went with her rock star persona. And what Spencer believed is what would cause her pain.
Can't help myself
From hurting you and it's hurting me
Blue eyes pleaded with brown, "Ashley, I've changed. I know that you didn't sleep with Aiden, I know that 75% of what the tabloids print is complete crap and the rest is a manipulated version of the truth. I know that it was my distrust and my jealousy that caused me to run from you….please give us another chance." Tears ran freely from blue eyes now, Spencer did nothing to brush them away.
Ashley struggled with her rip tide of emotions; she had been such a screw up through out their relationship. Spencer shouldn't be asking for a second chance, Ashley should have been begging for forgiveness, she couldn't fathom that her former lover was still there trying to fix this after everything that Ashley had already said, she wondered if the blonde really understood what she was asking to rebuild.
I don't have wings so flying with me won't be easy
'Cause I'm not an angel, I'm not an angel
"I know, I know that your lifestyle comes with certain…challenges," Spencer reached forward and laced her fingers with Ashley's, "I'm not asking you to be perfect or to give all that up, I'm just asking you to be with me and only me."
Ashley blew out a breath, she felt so guilty, she didn't deserve Spencer, she didn't know how to make things right.
I hate being that wall
That you hit when you feel like you gave it all
Ashley squeezed Spencer's hand and then released it. Over the last six months the rock star had learned without a doubt that she could and would remain faithful to the blonde, but that would stay her secret, she would use that as an excuse to keep her distance from her former lover. Ashley started to stand, needing to put space between them, as the lie was making its way from her lips.
I keep taking the blame
When we both know that I'll never change
Ashley was too stunned to respond when Spencer lunged up from her knees and knocked her back into the couch. The suddenly feisty blonde was straddling her hips and fused their lips together before the brunette had any chance to protest.
Spencer's desperate fingers immediately pulled at the buttons on the front of Ashley's vest until it was open and both hands could flatten against sexy rock star abs.
"Say it again," was mumbled against Ashley's lips, when the brunette didn't respond
Spencer moved to the side and traced the shell of Ashley' s ear with her tongue before whispering, "All that crap you just told me, say it again, so you'll believe it, because I don't."
Ashley could hardly breathe, let alone think about what she had said more than a couple seconds ago. Her hands gripped the couch cushions and she refused to touch the blonde. After much effort the gears in her mind started turning and she was able to form the words that she needed Spencer to believe.
I tear you down
Spencer lowered her lips and assaulted Ashley's neck."You don't." It was said in between sucking and licking at the salty skin under her tongue.
I make you bleed eternally
This time the words were gritted between clenched teeth as the brunette tried desperately to not respond to the blonde in her lap. She suppressed a moan when wandering hands drifted higher and traced the edges of her bra. The rock star barely managed to whisper the next words.
Can't help myself
Ashley moved her hands to grip the blonde's waist, tempted to pull her tighter, the brunette flexed her fingers with her internal debate and then gently started to push away on the blonde as she spoke.
From hurting you and it's hurting me
Spencer didn't budge when she felt Ashley's resistance. She gripped the back of the couch with both hands and stared hard at the brunette. "The only thing hurting either of us right now is you trying to be some damn martyr and pretending like you don't love me anymore."
Ashley released the blonde in frustration and laid her head back on the couch cushions, staring up at the ceiling. She didn't know what more she could do; she had spent so long believing that staying away from the blonde had been the right thing that she didn't know how to deal with having her lover back in her life. Brown met blue and she voiced her fears again as her emotions took hold and tears flowed freely.
I don't have wings so flying with me won't be easy
Cause I'm not an angel, I'm not an angel
Spencer smiled, as her hands found Ashley's face again, her thumbs catching the slow stream of tears. "I love you."
The rock star's eyes avoided Spencer's again. She had no idea how her life had gotten to the point where she could ever hurt someone as amazing as the woman in her arms. She let her thoughts slip from her lips.
I wasn't always this way
Spencer tilted her head uncertain where those words had come from and what they meant.
I used to be the one with the halo
Spencer smiled now and pressed her lips to Ashley's forehead in an attempt to calm the rock star's train of thought. She didn't want the brunette to worry about the past.
Ashley basked in that simple action, but she needed more, her ability to resist the woman in her lap was gone, she needed to be wrapped up in her lover. Her eyes traveled every inch of exposed skin and she let herself feel everything she had tried to bury. She was in love with Spencer, she needed her and she would be faithful to her. Who was she to question the blonde when she had found her way back twice.
Ashley raised her hand to cup Spencer's cheek and her thumb grazed a full bottom lip, she had missed those lips. Her other hand sought out one of the blonde's and she brought it to her lips, kissing each finger tip. This woman was her drug, her vice, the only thing in life she couldn't live without. She knew it the first time they had been together it's what drove her back. And she knew now that this could be it, her final chance to love this woman the way she deserved to be loved, she'd be a fool to let her go.
Without warning Ashley gripped Spencer tight and propelled herself forward causing them both to topple onto the floor. Ashley's lips were immediately on Spencer's neck and she mumbled an explanation.
But that disappeared when I had my first taste and fell from grace
Ashley pulled back and shrugged the vest from her shoulders and then urged Spencer to sit up and swiftly pulled the tank over the blonde's head. Seconds later she had unhooked Spencer's bra and pulled it free, as she took in the sight of Spencer's exposed chest and heard the blonde's heavy breathing Ashley was lost, succumbed to her own desire. She leaned forward slowly, her voice low and husky as she whispered against the blonde's lips.
It left me in this place
Spencer moaned when Ashley let her full body weight down on the blonde and immediately wrapped her legs around Ashley's waist, pulling her closer trying to satisfy her own needs.
Ashley chuckled against Spencer's neck as she was met with frantic hands trying to remove her own bra.
Now I'm starting to think maybe you like it
Spencer stopped her actions and pulled Ashley's face up to her own, she kissed her quickly and then pulled away. "I don't care about your past Ash. I don't care about our past, except the good times, I'll cherish those always. But none of the rest matters, all that matters is you and me right now. I need you to know that I love you and you're it for me."
Ashley didn't respond she could hear all the words she had been saying to Spencer ricochet in her head. About tearing her down, and hurting her, but none of it seemed to matter anymore. Only one thing mattered and if Spencer could accept that then there was hope for them.
I'm not an angel
She looked at Spencer searching deep into blue depths and all she found was understanding and love, that was the final straw, the last brick in her wall had fallen away. She lowered her head and met Spencer's lips briefly before pulling back. "I love you too."
Ashley yelped in surprise as she suddenly found herself on her back. One of Spencer's hands pushed up under her bra and the other pulled frantically at the rock stars zipper. The brunette squirmed and pushed harder into the hand that was torturing her over sensitized breast. She thought she might combust just from that simple action but when questing fingers squirmed their way into her tight jeans a string of profanities fell from her lips.
The rock star latched onto the blonde's wrist and quickly stilled it; she locked lust filled eyes with her lover and searched for the words to explain what she was feeling. Tripping over her tongue a little she managed to put a few random words together. "I…you…I haven't…it's a…won't take much."
Spencer twitched her fingers and an evil grin spread across her face when Ashley's hips jerked and a growl escaped through the brunette's clenched teeth. "How long?"
Ashley knew what Spencer was asking and a part of her didn't want to answer, she felt stupid, it had only been 6 months, yet her body was responding like it had been depraved for years. She turned her face away embarrassed.
Spencer shifted her position, removing herself from the brunette she braced herself on both hands and searched Ashley's profile for answers. As her eyes wandered she took in the bite mark on the brunette's neck and traced a finger over it, "what happened?"
Ashley cringed as she realized what her lover was referencing, could they already be back in the cycle that broke them? Sarcasm was a useful weapon in times like this, "Vampire."
Spencer grabbed Ashley by the jaw and turned her face so she could see the brunette's eyes. "Answer my first question."
Brown eyes stared up into blue and Ashley felt her heart ache, she so desperately needed the blonde to believe her, she could only find one word and it was barely audible when she whispered it, "you."
Blue eyes got wide as Spencer realized what just that one word meant. She whispered her own response, "June?"
Ashley just nodded holding her breath waiting on the blonde's response, searching her eyes for any doubt. She watched her lovers face as first shock, then wonder, and finally mischief played in her eyes.
Spencer let her thigh slip between Ashley's and she purposely applied pressure, then rocked forward as she leaned down towards the brunette's ear. She smiled guiltily when the rock star arched and moaned beneath her. The blonde's voice dropped to a husky whisper and she breathed into Ashley's ear, "As soon as I can find some handcuffs and a can of whip cream I'm going to reward you…"
Before Spencer could finish her teasing, Ashley's eyes snapped open and she was suddenly very alert from her previous haze of arousal. In one swift motion she rolled the two of them over and got to her feet.
Spencer stared up at the brunette's back as she raced across the room to a large suitcase on the floor. Laughing the blonde pushed herself up on her elbows and watched the brunette quickly fish something out and then hide it behind her back. "If you have handcuffs in your suitcase I'm…"
When the brunette turned and started to slowly return to the blonde the laughter died in her throat. She didn't see any playfulness in her lover's eyes. Spencer's breath caught in her throat and she knew the moment had turned suddenly serious.
Quietly the brunette kneeled beside the blonde pulling her into a sitting position the rock star took Spencer's left hand and kissed her knuckles. "You make me the happiest I have ever been, happier than I deserve to be, you have given me more love than I thought possible in one lifetime, and I don't know how I got so lucky…" Ashley took a deep breath and swallowed back the tears threatening to fall, "please, do me the honor and be willing…to call me your wife." With a shaky hand the rock star held up the engagement ring that Spencer had discarded two years ago.
Blue eyes brimmed over with tears and Spencer blinked and swiped at them, she wanted to say so many things, wished she could find the words to express everything she was feeling, but nothing seemed to come together. Giving up on words Spencer tackled Ashley to the floor, "Yes." Kiss. "Yes." Kiss, "Yes!!" She finally screamed at the top of her lungs.
Ashley laughed as she slid the ring on and then kissed it. Looking into her fiancé's eyes she knew that this time was forever.