Disclaimer: The Wonderful World of Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling. I own nothing but the plot and Lily Evans' literary voice and attitude. I don't own Disney. It owns itself, as well as a bunch of other companies we may never think it does.
A Look At Wonderland
by Wired Dragonfli
Chapter Two - Over-elaborate Plots for Dramatic Escapes
1 day until I see Em and Marlene and normal people.
16 days until Hogwarts.
160 days until my birthday. (That took a while to figure out…)
77 days until Halloween.
132 days until Christmas.
3 hours until Lily Evans gets fed up with the rest of the Evans clan and runs away.
5 seconds until Lily Evans becomes fed up with countdowns and stops.
There is only so much a redhead can take until (oh god, I swear, if I see or hear the word "until" one more time I will scream) she does something completely stupid that she will regret later. Therefore, one has to prevent the problem with proper intervention.
First, one will annoy herself with stupid unnecessary list-making.
Check.
Then she will over-elaborately plot her dramatic escape while watching soaps on the telly and eating lemon flavored wafers she hates but can't seem to stop consuming.
Check.
Third, she will switch the channel and see a Russian tennis player break his racket while attempting to hit his opponent with it.
Check.
Now, I know you're not supposed to do that in tennis. For Merlin's sake, even Em would have been able to figure that out, and she hasn't taken muggle studies a day in her life. Which she should, really, considering that her husband will be part muggle.
Lily Evans' To Do List:
1.) Pack.
2.) Clean Napkin's cage.
3.) Leave The Monster Book of Monsters in Tuna's pillowcase.
4.) Take a shower.
5.) Finish HoM essay.
6.) Get a life, thus giving myself ample amounts of things to make "to do" lists for.
7.) Leave Mum and Dad a goodbye note before making my brilliant escape.
Dear Mum and Dad,
I have been kidnaped and held ransom for 2,567,892,362,999.3 Yen. They told me to tell that if you ever want to see me again, you are to phone the old, abandoned warehouse on the dock. A man will answer with:
"Hello, is this the Easter Bunny?"
At this point, you will breath heavily into the receiver three times and say "Please Hold" before hanging up.
Wait precisely five minutes and thirty-two seconds before calling again. This time, you will start conversation with :
"Mr. Oldguy, your deliver of Arabian ducks came in, would you like us to keep them cold for you?" At which he will reply:
"My elephant lost his shoe."
You ask, "Left, or right?" and he will answer.
Left: Drive by the Smith's home and throw the money into Benji's doghouse.
Right: They have already killed me in impatience and you have to come by and pick up my dead, decaying body.
With Love,
Lily
I struggled at the top of the fence for ten minutes before falling into my backyard again, and realizing that:
1.) This running away thing will never work.
2.) I have no idea how to get to the Leaky Cauldron.
3.) My parents don't deserve the shitty note I left them.
4.) I'm particularly fond of making lists today.
But alas, I'm insane. That explains it perfectly.
I sat in the kitchen, sipping orange juice, when Petunia came home. She jumped five feet and hit her head on the doorframe, hissing "What the hell are you doing here?" the moment she saw me. Then she glanced into the backyard to make sure no one had seen her collision with a piece of wood. Finally satisfied, she shut the back door.
I snorted and offered: "I live here Petunia."
"No you don't," she said airily, "You just visit once a year. If anything, you live in that...freak house."
I rolled my eyes. I really didn't need nor want to deal with this right now.
"Yes Petunia, I am a freak, and I live in a freak house along with my freak friends, and we all learn freakish things that only freakish people like us can freakishly learn." I said, boredly, already writing another note to my parents, "Does that cover everything?"
"I–you–wha–?" answered the potato sack.
"Good," I said casually, "Tell mum and dad that I left early and took the bus to Em's house and that I'll see them next summer." and with that, I pinned the note to the fridge with a magnet, stuffed the insane one into my pocket unceremoniously, and left with my luggage through the front door.
Petunia stood there with her mouth hanging open stupidly as if she had forgotten to breathe. Maybe she was appalled to the point that she did forget to breathe. I wouldn't put it past her, she tended to get hung up over stupid things like this. I just shook my head sadly and shut the door behind me.
Once out in the open, I sighed, very surprised with myself at acting so maturely and cooly in the situation. I slipped my wand out of my sleeve(I know it's going to fall out one of these days but I just can't help the stupid habit) and looked at it fondly, remembering the day I got it. Ten and a quarter inches, willow.
I remember Mr. Ollivander, he'd used a very corny phrase when my wand and I found each other. "A Charming wand for a charming young lady," he'd said. All I had done was mutter an embarrassed thank you and grin and grin and stare at my wand like it was a piece of the stars. It might as well have been to me in that precise moment.
Ugh, listen to me, going on about wands...I must sound like the biggest dork right now. So anyway, I walked a few feet until(there's that word again, I suppose I have to scream now...oh dear...the decaying, wrinkling, bus-driving bus driver is looking at me strangely) I came to the curb. Pointing my wand into the air, I felt rather stupid.
Em had told me about the Knight Bus two years ago, and right now, I dearly hoped it existed. The last thing I'd need would be to have to go back into the house and admit defeat for the second time that night.
"C'mon!" I muttered, and as though it heard me, the bus suddenly flew out of thin air with a series of bangs, and launched itself at me. I shrieked and jumped back. Glaring at the bus driver, I got on.
"Where you off to, miss?" he asked, tipping his hat over his extremely creased forehead and smiling with his rotten, twisted teeth.
I winced and quickly chirped "The Leaky Cauldron" before running off to the back. And here I sit, curled up in the corner on a stiff bed, glancing at the bus driver, who keeps giving me maniac glances, then out the window. I'm starting to think that this whole leaving thing was a bit too brash and hasty(Is brash even a word...if it is, I doubt it was actually used right...) and I feel all the courage drip away and I'm left with nothing but a deep unsettled feeling in my stomach and I feel like an idiot.
It's so dark outside...maybe I was stuck on that fence longer than I thought.
Gah! He touched me! The old icky twisted rot-mouth touched me.
But I'm over-reacting, and being rude...which I wasn't raised to do. Really, what do I have against that man. Am I really that shallow to judge him by his looks? Have I always done this? Why am I only realizing this now.
Then again, he does look frightening. He scares me, but I'm off the bus now. And him poking me is alright, since he was waking me up. Good, there, calm down Evans. There's a good girl.
I always fall asleep at the wrong times. Really, now I won't be able to get to sleep for the rest of the night. If wandering Diagon Alley were an option, I'd take it, but silly old me would probably be scared off by a tea cozy at this point. Of course, I could go off into the Apothecary and get a sleep potion, but it smells like cabbage in there, and I hate cabbage.
I know lots of people dislike it, and wouldn't want to eat it, but I mean I absolutely abhor it. I have an irrational hate of cabbage. First off, the word is disgusting! Just saying it, ugh...cabbage. Really, even putting a French accent on it won't help. Cabage.
Merlin's Beard! Listen to me. Talking about cabbage. First about wands, now about cabbage! Do I really have so little of a life tat I am forced to go on and on about cabbage and wands?
Whatever, maybe I will go down to the Apothecary for that potion, it's not too far off from the Leaky Cauldron. If it keeps me from talking about cabbages and wands...in fact, I'll get a dreamless draught, to keep me from dreaming about cabbages and wands.
Emmy's House
August 16 - 3:23 PM
Yes, I did just write the date, time and location of Lily Evans at the time that she is writing in her journal. It was all Marlene's doing, I swear. She made me do it. Threatening me with a fly swatter...devil's advocate.
Merlin! Now she's hitting me over the head for writing that. But she is the devil's advocate, really she is. Marlene's a stickler for grammar things like this. She hates anything with no heading. I bet she's swatting me for extra measure to make up for all the times I didn't date my letters to her this summer.
Godamnit! That girl does not know when to quit.
There we go, the fly swatter is not on the floor broken into two pieces. Serves her right. I just hope it wasn't Em's. With her, it's probably some rare Tibetian fly swatter.
I suggested to Marlene that we hide the swatter before Em comes back from dealing with Barkin, their resident drunk. Of course, he's a house elf so, two bottles of anything will get him wobbling. I really don't know why they keep him. Not only does he never do the work, but they still keep paying him in butterbeer.
Em says he's kept for amusement purposes, apparently, last week he got up on roof and startedsinging all of The Screaming Banshees' greatest hits. They couldn't get him down for four hours. Of course, that's because only Mrs. Vance was attempting to. Emmy and her dad were just standing there laughing. Sadomasochism, add that to the list of traits they share as well.
Speak of the devil, Emmeline Vance has just strolled into her room with five batches of popcorn in her arms.
"Hope you like popcorn," she offered as an explanation.
I cocked an eyebrow in response. Marlene took a bowl from Em and promptly began to stuff herself.
"Well Barkin–" she began.
"Barkin' Mad is more like it!" Marlene managed through a mouthful of poporn. I started at hersudden outburst, but she was already distracted. She scooped up another handful and counted out the individual pieces before shoveling that into her mouth.
"–was drunk," Em continued, "And fancied that my mum asked him to make some popcorn for the Polish Army...and I'm sure you can figure out the rest."
I choked on a kernel laughing.
"We now have an entire dinning room, kitchen, and pantry's worth of popcorn." she finished.
I was still on the floor, choking on a bloody popcorn kernel. Of course, no one bothered to pat my back, or help me in any way, shape, or form.
"I propose a contest to see who can fit the largest amount of popcorn in her mouth." Marlene piped up randomly.
I snorted, which sucked the kernel into my stomach, but launched me into a coughing fit.
"Lily, are you alright?" Marlene asked, in what would have been a concerned voice. I just glared and proceed to hack my lungs, and half a spleen, out.
"I second the motion, and in case Lily does disagree, after all, she now seems to have had a traumatic experience with popcorn, she will be over-ruled...so...I propose we begin once Lily has composed herself." Em said brightly.
"I second the motion!" Marlene McKinnon said, with a wrygrin on her face.
I sat up, gave a small cough and crossed my arms in front of my chest. Em pushed my bowl at me, and gave the signal to begin.
Emmy's House
August 16 - 8:46 PM
I will never, ever, ever, ever, agree to another one of Marlene's contests. I should have know. I should have the the first day I met her, when I nearly fell into the lake when coming to Hogwarts for the first time. She dared Em and me to try to summon the Giant Squid. ("The winner get to...uh...choose her bed first!") Lame prize, but I had heard a lot on the train about bed bugs. Trust me, they were scary the way the older students described them.
Sadly, I was the winner, and almost got dragged into the lake by the squid. I'm not as pathetic around my friends as I appear to be. We've all had our fair share of embarrassment.
Right now, I am so full, I could cry. I have not moved for three hours. We watched a bunch of lame Disney movies. The Princess series in particular. I hate Disney. Everything is so commericalized with Disney. All they give you is the sugar coated shit. Why is it that the witches are always evil? Or more specifically...why are all the powerful evil people witches? That shows you how accurate Disney is.
We started a long debate on how stupid the movies are. Nothing like that ever happens in real life. You don't see your prince, once, and fall in love, get sent halfway to Pluto, and have him track you down and rescue you. First, women aren't that pathetic. Second, you can't get sent halfway to Pluto, because I'm sure that's just open air...or lack there of. Third, love/like/crushes, do not work that way. We all wish they did, but they don't.
These movies only make me depressed. But hey, I'm young, I shouldn't be worried about any of this right now, right? I feel like a blimp right now. There is soo much popcorn in me, if the Polish Army did, indeed, need sustenance, and they had only my body to rip open, they would be able to retrieve enough popcorn to feed their militia doubly. Gross concept but, yet, it works.
Okay, imagining Polish peoplecutting my stomach open, while exclaiming wild Yiddish phrases(It is the Pols that speak Yiddish, right?) does not help my full estomago(Spanish for stomach). Must go puke now. They'll have to fish around in the plumbing if they want food, 'cuz they sure as hell aren't slicing me up. Either that, or turn on Emmy or Marls.
Marlene read the "Polish-army-cutting-me-open" bit and now has to use the bathroom as well. We'll prolly be fighting in front of the door for the next hour before just vomitting all over each other.
Oh godric. Someone shut me up. Take the quill away, quick! Next thing you know, I'll be describing castration in detail.
A/N: Tada! I actually posted. This chapter starts out with a bit more fun. You get to see Lily's relationship with her friends, as well as her flaring temper. Most of this chapter has made her out to be a bit ditzy, but really, aren't we all at one point or another? ;
Tell me what you think of this lighter tone in the story. I'm not going to be writing the rest of the story in this style, but it won't all be angsty, flaming, unadulterated, critisism on Lily's part, like most of chapter one was. It'll be switching off as my moods change, which really does reflect how teenage girls write.
I realize that the second part of this chapter may be completely mistake-prone, since I wrote it in quick-edit, and ask you to not kill me in case you're all grammar Nazis...which I doubt you are. I type the story on my Mom's laptop, and she needed to take it to work with her today, so I uploaded it into document manager at 1 AM last night, and was to lazy to copy it into Word.
To my reviewers. WOW! OMG! Seriously, I love you all. This is the largest amount of reviews I've gotten for any chapter...EVER! Really, I love you all, 5 tier chocolate cakes to all.
Rainbow Fuzzlez: You get the coveted, first reviewer award. Thank you for your comments, really. I'm glad you love it. And I did update quickly, just keep reviewing, and I'll keep the chapters coming. You're lucky I got my best friend hooked into this story. Really, this is a fanfic she will NOT let me ditch.
Chaserchick4sirius: Thanks! I'm glad you liked the way I described Em and Marlene. I was sure everyone would kinda be confused about the whole scent references. And you faved my story...after one chapter. You do not know how insanely I am squealing right now. Thanks so much!
Daniel Clark: I am relieved that the story got such a good reception so far. My first fic drifted off, and so did my reviewers, so I was kinda timid about posting this one. After I hit the "creat story" button I was like "Oh my god...what the fuck have I done?", the whole story was spontaneously written, and posted, and I really wasn't sure if I would post another chapter, but reviewers keep me going so much. Really, they are the life line to my stories.
Bridget: Hi, I like your name, it's one of my favorite names, but, that's a weird comment so...moving on. Thanks for the nice review, really,it means a lot. The fic prolly won't be cheerful 100 of the time, as real lives aren't like that, but, since Lily's personality reflects my own(for the most part) she can't stay mad at any one for long, or stay upset for too long unless someone has done something really bad.
Moonhawkpebbly: You are so sweet, thanks for the review. I am glad you deemed my fic worthy of straining youself and pushing the button, as that is the thing that keeps me from reviewing most of the fics I read. I am an extremely lazy person. I'm glad you were able to connect to Lily. The more people that can sympathize with her, the better they'll be able to understand the story. I hope I didn't keep you waiting to long, but remember, reviews keep me going hint hint.
Clueless Bystander: Thank you Elli. I'm happy you love it. I hope I updated soon enuff. I must warn you, I am v. terrible at updating things and keeping them up to date. I hopefully won't lose interest in the story. But if I do, feel free to harass me on AIM or MSN/email, the contact info is posted in my bio.
yellowcard-1991: Thanks for the review. I'll try to keep up a regular updating schedule, but I am, as mentioned above, a terrible idiot at updating.
Vanessa-Black and Zabini: Ha, you should have seem me while writing the chapter. I think i spelt pompous five million different ways before easing it in aggrivation and not using it for the rest of the chapter. Shucks, I don't write well. I'm sure you can write as well as me, if not better. Honestly, just put you thoughts down on paper, no matter how stupid they seem. They'll appear so much more amusing to others than they do to you. And since you asked so politely, there's the chapter.
Lennie(lol): Ms. Perfect...my ass. I do not write as well as Jo. Hellz naaw, dawg. (Remind me NEVER to press ctrl + n again, it opened a new window and I had thought I lost over 5 pages of writing without saving. Gave myself a heart attack...godamnit!) I seem to surprise you with my writing a lot, eh? It hurts, you know, that you don't put any faith into my writting...yep, it hurts...right here. (Haha...Yanik)
Please Review! The purple button is calling you. "Review! Push me, push me!" it says...can you hear it?