Look, all I ever wanted was to have a Y chromosome... I know is sexiest and un-feminist and what not but I can't help the way I feel. Is it my fault that I like boys' clothes? That I hate bras? It's a pure coincidence, my gender. If it were up to me I would have been a bloke okay? But it's not up to me... C'est la vie...
Chapter 7: Take off your clothes!
Normal POV
Fowl Manor, Stables
Artemis rubbed the brush across the black horse's flank in a rhythmic motion. He found the simple act of rubbing down the horse a relatively relaxing process, an almost meditative state even. One in which he found himself free to ponder many a things.
He really didn't have to rub down the horse himself, there was a whole host of people employed to take care of the Fowl stables yet Artemis found it more satisfying to take preeminent care of the perissodactyla himself. Of course he rarely was at home and so the grooms had their jobs for when he was absent.
Absent. Someone was absent and Artemis found that he missed that someone terribly. It was Butler after all who had taught him to ride a horse in the first place. Artemis sighed, as much as he though he needed Butler, he couldn't afford to be so selfish anymore. It was the conscience thing again. The loyal body guard had seen him through more than enough adventures for a life time twice over. Surely, Butler deserved a break.
He was no spring chicken after all, Artemis though with a qualm of guilt, neither were his parents. With a pang Artemis realised 'He was growing up.'
So he had an IQ over 300, an actual age of eighteen, a physical age of fifteen and a mental age of a forty year old. He had believed he had grown up at eleven... and where had that taken him?
Abduction and mass larceny. Aurem Potestas est? Artemis snorted.
Highly unlikely.
So he wasn't grown up quite yet, because if there was anything Artemis had learned it was that one never stopped learning but he was to some extent getting wiser, more responsible. He was getting there, bit by bit. It didn't help that he hadn't had a normal childhood either.
He wasn't going t make the same mistake twice of course; assuming he knew everything, that is. He knew close to everything.
And how had he come to learn that prime fact, that he wasn't the centre of the universe? Why the magical populace of course.
If it weren't for the people Artemis reflected he wouldn't be who he was today. It was strange and wondrous how the strings of fate had led him to the only source which had the power, the magic, to positively influence him, to the betterment of all involved.
Yes, he truly owed so much to the fairy race. None more so than Captain Holly Short, who had not only saved his parents and the Butlers lives but his own on more than one occasion. Artemis sighed and put down the brush.
He had arrived, once again at the topic of many hours of contemplation. Of course his thoughts had been scattered to begin with ranging from Butler and his parents to the People. And finally to her. Artemis felt a knot twist in his stomach.
Making sure the black stallion had a fresh supply of oats in its trough; he designated to return to the manor. He blinked a few times in aggravation.
Why was he constantly thinking in this repetitive manner? It disagreed with all rational concepts. Once a thought had been processed it wasn't necessary to return to it more than a few times. Yet Artemis found himself considering this single notion numerous times. More than necessary, much more.
Of course it couldn't have anything to do with a certain kiss eight years ago now could it?
Hmm... Denial. What a unique concept. He should consider that in more detail shouldn't he?
But of course Artemis Fowl was no average genius; to some extent he knew exactly why his brain kept ending every thought process with images of her. Holly Short, her face furious, sorrowful, delighted would play out in his mind, every memory felt like it had to be remembered, cherished. But the more rational part of his mind threw that idea down a deep dark pit.
It was simply really the answer.
Blasted hormones he fumed. It just wasn't fair how his thoughts and emotions were so out of control when concerning the elf he huffed.
No. He couldn't do this, said the reasonable part of his mind. He- couldn't- think like this. He was not some lovesick puppy; he refused to lose composure this way.
Holly was his friend, his best friend, one of his only friends and so their relationship must have to remain strictly platonic. He would have to suppress any unwarranted urges and feelings on his behalf, when in the company of the Captain from now on.
On the other hand and part of him found him wondering exactly how soft her crimson hair really was, perhaps he could feel it. Purely for experimental purposes...
No!! Growled the larger more rational part of his intellect. He decided he was going to stop and so he would! At which the smaller and more irrational part of his brain decided to sulk for an hour and then get its own back with a loss of logic later.
Shaking his head Artemis pried his mind from these thoughts for of course he had much more pressing matters to handle, namely Artemis Fowl the Second and a half.
He smirked a little at the word play.
Technically his new sister would adopt the name Fowl as she'd so pleasantly reminded him that morning, however her name being Artemis she should have been the second yet the Res Gestae was that she was essentially a child born out of wedlock. Not to mention he already held the title of second and she possibly couldn't be third seeing as they were in the same generation. She was his half-sister and therefore only had half the right to the title.
Beside she was female and females didn't generally take on titles such as second, though a small chauvinistic part of Artemis. It wasn't a particularly clever thought Artemis knew, rather meagre for his great intellect yet he couldn't help but play the cruel joke on the girl. He had been infuriated.
And so he gave her the awkward yet apt title that was complement and insult in one, of Artemis Fowl the Second and a half.
Once in the house he glanced into her blatantly pink room for the door had been left open. No-one. Well he could hardly expect a mad teenager to spend all morning in her room, especially considering its colour. Then again women were strange creatures... he only had to look the few examples he knew, his mother, Juliet, Holly...
Artemis walked further down the corridor to look into the study where he knew that at least one news feed would be playing. He always liked to be updated on current events as it was and a quick scan of the headlines would be no harm before he could retire to his room to change. Entering the study he blinked. Something was not quite right. The computer screens were just as he'd left them. A projector displayed Sky and CNN muted on the back wall. The books were there and his DNA screening equipment was there in the corner just as it should be but still Artemis couldn't let go of the suspicion that had settled in his brain. The study was perfectly as it had been left, too perfect.
"Hellfire..." He muttered suddenly eyes widening and then skidded across the hall to his own room. The door was ajar. He froze.
The irksome colleen was in his room! The nerve!
And then he unfroze because there was a whole lot of fairy paraphernalia in there. Artemis wrenched open the door and dashed inside. He breathed out a sigh of relief. Everything was in order, she wasn't here.
But just to be sure he looked around the room, scanning it for any detail out of place, glancing at the ensuite bathroom and then the walk-in-closet. Then he did a retake.
Something was wrong. The curtains were drawn in the changing area and he could hear someone. And a drawer was open.
No this particular drawer did not contain stolen technology from the LEP or encrypted copies of all his files, no. For this particular drawer as it happened contained underwear.
Artemis did not curse as a rule but in this particular case he had gone through a dictionary worth of obscenities in various languages to boot. (All in his head of course)
Before he could even draw another breath and try to comprehend this situation a pale arm poked out from behind the heavy lined curtain of the dressing room, holding surprisingly enough a pair of boxers.
They were coloured a bright red with the words "The Masked Muchacho" emblazoned across the back in black and gold. It was a souvenir, courtesy of Juliet Butler from Mexico, not yet removed from the wrapping. However it seemed someone had ripped them out of the gold foil wrappings that said "Worn by the Great Muchacho- Only $5". Someone had obviously removed them from where Artemis had buried them in his drawer, six months prior.
The pale arm waved said item of clothing up and down and Missy's voice asked from the confines of the changing room, "Hey Arty? I can borrow this right? Reckon they aren't your style..."
Taking his silence to be a 'Yes' she retracted her arm back into the curtains of the dressing room. Artemis could see his clothing lying about in pile on the floor now.
"What-" He began but stopped wondering exactly how should he phrase the question?
What are you doing in my room?
What are you doing in my room with my clothes!?
What are you doing scrounging around in my underwear drawer!?!?
But he didn't get the chance because a second or two later she pulled back the heavy blue curtains to reveal herself.
Artemis blinked.
Once.
Twice.
He stopped before the third. He was a genius after all. Missy on the other hand exhibited her lack of tact and flaunted past him to admire herself in the mirror.
Artemis had an exceedingly strong urge to grind his teeth, he resisted and instead put on that calm cold mask that suited him so well.
He asked in his most polite voice "May I enquire Ms. Fowl, exactly what you are doing in my room? Wearing my clothes?" He smiled as if they were discussing the weather.
Missy glanced down at herself. For indeed she was clad in one of Artemis's black Armani suits, a red tie and his favourite pair of loafers. They stared at each other in the mirror and simultaneously twitched seeing their similarity.
With her own clothes gone Missy looked like a boy, a near perfect twin of Artemis.
Artemis wasn't fazed, with a raise of his eyebrow he asked, crossing his arms "Well?"
"Jesus! Arty take a chill pill! I'm only looking... and you have got one hell of a wardrobe..." she drawled walking around his room peeking at everything and touching his things.
"Calm, calm" Artemis insinuated to himself. "Must remain calm." But sadly grey matter is no match for testosterone and the aggression it inspires in the male human. And no matter how intellectually adept our favourite mudboy was, no matter the volumous amounts of grey matter he possessed he also possessed a Y chromosome.
He stalked after her, his annoyance only increasing by the piles of his clothing that littered the floor.
"I'll ask you this once," He said trying to keep his voice even, "Please relinquish my clothes and remove your person from my room." He'd have to burn his clothes later.
Missy turned around scowling, her eyebrows knitting together "You are such a prig Arty! I thought we could have some fun, but you just have to be Mr. TightArse!! I always wanted brothers, but you're such a Kill joy!!" She exploded angrily.
It is a little known fact that siblings have the uncanny skills and traits to aggravate the others, whether this is a defence mechanism is as of yet unsure, you know survival of the fittest and all that jazz. But one thing remains clear, brothers and sisters definitely know how to push each other's buttons.
"Well I never planned on having a sister myself, you know." He contradicted.
"As if you can plan on getting something like a sibling!?" She scoffed. Rolling her eyes.
"Oh I always get what I want." He smiled suddenly, showing the effect of his full vampire smile.
For a moment Missy was disarmed by that smile and her haughty expression faded off her face. She wanted to turn tail and flee. Not only was she losing the argument (Actually she wasn't quite sure how she was losing but any way.) but she was running out of ammo. So she pulled the last and deadliest thing from her arsenal.
She smiled a very good imitation of Artemis actually and a mischievous glint appeared in her crystalline blue eyes. Patting his shoulder she asked casually "Say... Arty... Is this Holly your girlfriend or something?"
Artemis was stunned.
All he could do was stare at this girl in pure blind panic for a whole two seconds.
How Missy possibly assume that? He'd- he'd never even thought that word- oh dear- Girlfriend-? Come to think of it how could she possibly know of Holly?
In which time Missy once again assumed an answer from his silence. "Ohmigosh! She- Is-!!!" she yelled shaking his shoulders, his expression apparently speaking volumes.
"I- She- You- What?" It was the single most atrocious sentence he had constructed in his entire life time. This even beat the 'Mother give Artemis laptop' when he was one, even the 'Um...um...' to Holly after the kiss.
Artemis was mortified -once he got over his poor sentence structure that is- how could this girl know his inner most thoughts? Wait? He never had thought that word. Cringe. So then how could this girl say that? His brain worked at near light speed and another four seconds later he was enraged, you see he had an answer.
"You've read my journal!!" he exploded, amazed and shocked.
"No duh... aren't you supposed to be like a genius or something?"
"But how-"
"Uh... Your firewall is like a hankie blowing in the wind Bro..." she poked him in the chest.
Artemis's mind was mad swirl of thoughts one after the other. First there was the blatant anger. How could this chit of a girl barge in here and just -just- And she'd gotten on to his computer! Into his files!
If he could just use the Mesmer on her...No she'd probably read too much, he needed a through mind wipe done...which meant contacting Haven. And she'd gotten into his files! His personal, encrypted files!!
He'd need to distract her of course... but still how could she possibly hack into his files!? He could call Holly, no, Foaly, he'd be able to send a retrieval team....
And still underlying it all 'She hacked into my system; maybe she really is Fowl blood.'
And then she put the end of his red tie (which she was wearing) in her mouth and all hell decided to break lose.
"Stop that!" he yelled, all composure gone.
"Don't shout at me!" she shouted back, pushing him. The end of his tie dropped from her mouth, it was wet. Really what was wrong with this child? Who chewed clothes? Other people's clothes?
"Well don't push me!" Artemis threatened, raising his arms in defence.
"I'll push you if I want!" was her loud reply and she pushed him again.
"Take off those clothes and leave!!"
"Why you rude little boy!?!"
Her vision tuned red and anger pounded through her veins. Missy pushed him again, much harder than was necessary and much harder than either of them anticipated.
Artemis was not ready for the shove and was sent sprawling to the floor. Missy was not ready for the boy to slip out from beneath her fingers and unbalanced in her oversized loafers. So with a scuffle and a yelp, down when the Greek Goddess name-sakes.
There was another scuffle, some muffled yelling and next thing you know Missy was sitting on a very enraged Artemis and sticking her tongue out smugly stated, "Ha, I win."
But this was Artemis Fowl we're talking about, he cannot be bested. In a comic display of the power from the few muscles he possessed, Artemis pulled and rolled and suddenly it he who was pining her down.
"I believe I win."
"Oh no you don't you little prick!!" and then she was up, she raised an arm and smacked the genius on the head.
"Ow..." he whimpered weakly.
And then they were a mess of struggling limbs. It was quite comical really like something out of a cartoon, a ball of smoke with appendages poking out at various angles.
"You-are-so-stupid-annoying-butthead-mean-jerk!" Missy wacked him with every word.
"Nor are you the perfect sister!" he yelled back in aggravation, pitifully attempting to defend himself. Butler would have cried had he witnessed the scene.
Somehow Artemis rolled again and successfully pinned Missy down preventing her from moving, he was growing tired. He sighed not to mention, the amount of brain cells he may be losing because of this juvenile act. He was altogether influenced too much by the twins he decided; no self-respecting genii would ever condone such behaviour.
"Please stop this and give me back my clothes?" he asked, almost begged.
"You want em'? Fine!!" she yelled angrily and jerked her arms away from him and began to unbutton her shirt.
"Wait! Wha-" he panicked, trying to pull away but before he could even finish his exclamation they both heard a gasp and froze.
They looked towards the window, well Artemis did, Missy tried, seeing as she was on the ground facing away from the window in question.
Captain Holly Short materialized into Artemis's bedroom utterly baffled, discombobulated and gobsmacked. Unless her eyes were amazingly mistaken she was watching Artemis on his bedroom floor straddling a girl who was in the process of removing her clothes.
Holly blinked.
Once.
Twice.
Thrice.
What the heck!?
"Holly!" he panicked seeing the incredulity in her eyes "This is not what it looks like!"
Oh the irony!
The next second he wanted to smack his face in shame. Did he just say that? He did not just say that? It was the guiltiest thing the guilty party could say! Not that he was guilty of anything the irksome girl had done this not him.
Wait. Guilty of what? And why did Holly look so murderous?
"Who is she?" Holly hissed out indignantly, eyes narrowing. The elf herself was amazed at the volley of rage that swept her brain as soon as she -to her comprehension- assessed the situation.
Wait why was she so angry...? Artemis could do what he liked right?
Okay, firstly the idea of Artemis with a girl was so creepy Holly didn't know what to think. Next she had a terrifying image of herself in the girl's position. Before she could even try to block that thought another invaded in which she wondered again as to why exactly two teenagers would be on the ground.
Then Holly felt herself get hot. Really hot, the thoughts running around in her head were like nails driving into her skull. Her breath came in a gasp and she suddenly felt sick. Of course all this happened in the space of a few nano-seconds and no one noticed.
What the hell!?
Missy, who was still on the floor as Artemis hastily removed himself, twisted her head at an odd angle to view Holly, giving the elf a nice view of her face in return.
"Hey!" she said animatedly. "I'm Artemis Fowl, you must be Arty's Girlfriend!"
"T-two..." Mouthed the elf weakly. Her brain seemed to short circuit.
And then Captain Holly Short of LEP Recon for the first time in her Eighty plus year existence, without cause of injury or exhaustion, fainted.
For a whole minute there was silenced and then Missy pushed herself up into a sitting position ad asked "Hey Arty... I think your girlfriend just fainted..."
Then she whispered is in carrying mock tones "I think she got a little jealous... But don't worry. I'm not into incest..." She widened her eyes and nodded the picture of innocence.
Artemis didn't grace her with a reply... or perhaps he just didn't know what to say... After all what can anyone say to that? Then again we are still talking about Artemis Fowl here and he probably did have something to say he just didn't feel like it. Yeah... that's it... Probably...
Artemis shook himself. At least now he could get Missy mind wiped. He went over to see was Holly alright and Missy crawled over too.
"She's not- my girlfriend." He got out with some difficulty.
"Uh-huh..." Missy rolled her eyes in a most familiar way. Confound it... why did she look so like him... she even rolled her eyes like him.
"She's merely a friend." He said trying to keep his voice even.
"Yeah... and you don't drool every time you mention her..." Missy rolled her eyes again. "Oh Holly is the best pilot you ever met, she's has the world best aim!" she mimicked.
Artemis wanted to kick her, but he didn't.
"You even call her a leprechaun! Man!" she snickered.
"Actually... she is a leprechaun or rather a Lower Elements Police Recon officer." He sighed, might as well tell her seeing as she would only ask. Besides the more they wiped the more chances of a drop in IQ points. "They are the fairy race that lives beneath the earth, also known by many as the people."
He found a certain vindictive pleasure in informing the unsuspecting girl, she didn't believe him, he didn't mind. Soon she would need to.
Missy snorted staring down at Holly –who was lying face down between them- then drawled "Oh yeah...I read about that too... what is it... some geeky virtual reality RPG thing?"
When Artemis only smiled that vampire smile in response she faltered and looked down at Holly again.
"Hey... Um should I get her some water or something?" Then she looked closely.
"What the hell is that on her back?" she pointed to the wings
Artemis said nothing and Missy's tone grew even more panicked.
"Are-are her ears pointed!?"
She leaned down and then cursed loudly.
"Bloody hell! Arty!! What the crap?!"
"I told you, fairy" Artemis in his most superior tone delivered. "Well elf really..."
Missy's mouth opened and closed like a fish for a few seconds as she stared from Artemis to the unconscious elf.
"Jaysus..." and then suddenly she kneeled over to her side in a dead faint.
Artemis gazed nonplussed at the two females lying on his bedroom floor.
A normal teenage boy might have been slightly more thrilled. Artemis merely contemplated his new project. "A Study in to the vastly irrational and often times unbalanced psyche of females."
Lilly: Temperence and Seeley?! What the hec?! Temperence Brennan and Seeley Booth?!
Laurry: she just found out the names of the main characters in Bones... =.=' So how did ye like the chapter?
Lilly: TEMPERANCE AND SEELEY!?!?! WHAT THE HELL!!
Laurry: Calm down woman!!
Lilly: Rite sorry...
Laurry: Well that it folks....I know we were supposed to update last week but the chapter just kinda grew...
Lilly: (giggle) Plus I couldn't stop reading GaaraXSakura fics....
Laurry: Well that's it till the 16th of June...when we get off from our exams... (Yells at a cowering Lilly to go and study)
Lilly: T-T B-but I wanted to thank our wonderful reviewers....
Laurry: (sigh)
Lilly: A BIG Thankyou to you all! And wish me luck in my exams...
Laurry: Which are crucial to the rest of our lives...
Lilly: (meep)OMH! I just injured the tendons in my right hand from using the typing facilities in my phone too much!! OWWIE!! It's hurts!
Laurry: God! What am I going to do with you!? Don't forget to review! And give some HARD CORE CRITIQUE!!
Lilly: I loves yous all!! Hai! Hai! ^-^