Chapter 4
I don't recall drifting off, but I awoke to Pam asking if I wouldn't mind cleaning up for visitors. I sat up suddenly, checking to see if there was a change in Eric's condition.
"He's still with us, but he's weaker than we expected. Dr. Armatrading said that the blood he's been receiving is too new and will take forever to restore him. So, I made some phone calls."
"What time is it?" I was bleary eyed from crying and plain worn out. I had that groggy, disoriented feeling of one who has had fevered dreams. In my dream, Eric and I were trying to squeeze my house into his house so that I would be comfortable. I'd have to think about what that meant later. I tried to focus on the only clock in the room, the microwave.
"Is it really 7:30? Oh my gosh. And what did you mean by visitors? Who knows Eric is here?" I moved Eric's arm back across to his side of the bed. He hadn't moved an inch since this morning. I knew for sure that he could hear us, and I wanted to treat him as if he were in the room, but for the moment, I needed a shower.
"You get cleaned up, we'll talk later."
But what she hadn't considered is that I didn't have a change of clothing. I couldn't very well wear what I'd worked in and slept in. I thought about saying something to her about my situation when she slid a wheeled suitcase out of the closet and handed me the handle.
"Some of your things. I had Bobby Burnham contact Jason and that Shifter boss of yours. Your friend Tara is putting together an assortment of clothing and things you like to eat." And at the word eat, she made such a disgusted face that I laughed out loud. You would have thought that my idea of food was warmed shit-on a shingle.
I turned to Eric, "I'll be right over there in the bathroom, okay?" and I kissed him.
I didn't care that Pam was sighing behind me. Eric had told me that he loved me. I didn't know if he meant for taking care of him, or if he genuinely had feelings of love for me. I didn't care. The last person who had told me she loved me and meant it was Gran. I wasn't taking any expressions of love for granted these days.
The water felt so good, that I could have stayed in there for hours. But I didn't want to keep an impatient vamp waiting any longer than I had to. Pam was softening, but not enough to ever think that we'd really have anything but a mutual admiration for each other. I dressed quickly in jeans and a sweater. Keeping Eric warm was a priority right now and I planned on snuggling up right next to him as soon as our visitors left for the evening. I pulled my hair into two ponytails on either side of my ears; a style that I hadn't worn in years. If Pam thought I was being childish before…I stepped out of the bathroom and put a dab of perfume behind my ears. My brother wasn't smart about a lot of things, but I wouldn't have thought to pack perfume.
"Yes, very funny." Pam actually smiled at my joke and I left my playful ponytails to lift my own spirits.
" Do we have anything to offer our guests?" I checked the refrigerator in the kitchenette. It was fully stocked with TrueBlood . "What has Dr. Armatrading said about visitors? Would Eric really want to be seen incapacitated this way? I didn't think so. I turned to ask him, knowing that he probably couldn't respond.
"These visitors are not like your human visitors. They have not come to gape at Eric and wish him well, and pray this never happens to them. They have come because they owe fealty to their sheriff and he has need of their blood. Each has been donating blood since dusk to a supply set aside for him to speed his recovery. In exchange, he needs to know that they are sacrificing a part of themselves for him. He would do the same for his betters."
The door opened quietly and Dr. Armatrading came in. I pulled a chair up to Eric's bedside and raised his bed so that he could be seen in a better light. I used my best brush to try to arrange his hair into something less wild. At least the texture was improving and the color was coming back. This morning, it was fading to the color of oatmeal. I kissed his cheek and sat down. I wasn't sure what to expect from this ceremony, but I figured no one would expect me to know.
I held his hand and whispered to him softly. Pam stood behind me. I wished we didn't have to do this. While I couldn't read vampire minds, some of them were very vocal about vampire-human relationships. I hoped that considering Eric's condition, those who opposed our situation would keep their opinions to themselves. To my surprise, the first visitor was Eric's boss.
Félipe de Castro and his assistant, Victor Madden, strode into the room with such grace that it was hard not to be impressed. de Castro gave me a deep nod and Victor actually bowed slightly.
"Mrs. Northman, you have our sincerest wishes that Eric is returned to his full capacity as soon as possible." Again, with the Mrs. crap.
"Ms. Stackhouse is fine." I wasn't sure whether or not de Castro had anything to do with Eric being here in the first place. I returned his nod and bowed forward slightly. Eric would want me to.
"Have I misunderstood something about your relationship with Mr. Northman?"
"Uh, no. Not exactly." I averted my eyes as Victor shook his head at me.
The king then did something I was sure was significant. He removed a ring from his right hand and placed it on Eric's. Pam's eyes widened, and I felt panic circling like the familiar buzzard that it was becoming. Victor kissed the ring and they stepped towards me.
"If he needs anything at all, just call us." The king took my hand and pressed a gold card into it. It was embossed with a phone number, it looked like a gold credit card.
I gave Pam a "what the Hell just happened" look and she bowed to the king, pulling me down with her.
" The king has made a grand gesture towards Eric, that if anyone should try to harm him, and by extension you, he or she will answer to all the North American Kings and Queens."
"That's pretty impressive." I didn't know what to say. Eric had engendered so much respect from his superiors that they extended a consideration that they usually reserved for their own "children." My respect for the king tripled at that point. Victor and the king turned and left as quickly as they'd come in.
Pam grabbed my arm suddenly.
"Was it necessary to correct the king about your relationship with Eric?"
"Pam, you're hurting my arm. We aren't exactly living in wedded bliss. I don't think he'll care."
" You made Eric look like a liar and a fool."
I thought about this for a moment realizing that I had let my stubborn streak get Eric into some hot water with his boss. I tucked the gold card into the zippered pocket of my purse and shrugged at her.
"I didn't know. He and I haven't really talked about this whole thing." She glared at me coldly and stepped into the hall to manage the queue of vampires lined up to pay their respects. No one believes in the social strata like Vampires.
I spent the next 2 hours greeting a procession of the undead, ranging from the very young, whose blood was almost useless to Eric, to the very old such as Thalia who resented being dragged away from the bar for an evening, but decided it was in her best interest to show some respect. It was rumored that she was as old, if not older than Eric. I imagined that her blood would give him a boost, like cocaine in humans.
Our new nurse changed Eric's blood bag once more. He was actually getting pinker, and his cheeks seemed to be filling out. Another day or two of the older blood and Eric would be right as rain.
When I was about as sick of vampires as a body can be, the last stepped through the door. Really? I thought. He'd had my blood, so he knew that I was exasperated by his presence, but I couldn't exactly turn him away. He'd saved my life some months ago. I can't say I wasn't grateful. After the silver poisoning, Bill seemed more tentative, as if something in him hadn't totally healed right. But he wasn't my concern anymore.
"Evening, Sookie." He had brought Eric a gift and he set it down on the table beside the bed.
"Hello, Bill." I tried to keep any and all emotion out of my voice, but I wasn't expecting him, and it took a lot of effort.
" How is he?" Bill came to Eric's side and looked down at him. I felt something protective spring up and I wondered if this was my own genuine emotion, or if I was mirroring something in Eric. I decided I was not being polite and I offered Bill a drink. I warmed some blood in the microwave and turned on the TV in the adjoining living area. Bill was blathering on about going to Europe and documenting the vampires of Great Britain. I felt boredom and desperation seize me like a hand and realized that this time, I was mirroring Eric's feelings. He was getting stronger after all. I pointed the remote at the TV, turning it off, and faced Bill again.
"Bill, thank you for coming. I really appreciate it and so does Eric, but we would really like some time alone."
A shadow crossed Bill's face. I hadn't meant for my words to hurt him, but I didn't know how else to say it. I was Eric's now and Bill was partly to blame for that. I think he understood my intentions rather than my words.
"Bill, I'm sorry, that was hurtful." I hated that I still cared, but part of me understood that he had had to go to Lorena. She was his maker and it was compulsion. Eric had explained that to me at Fangtasia once. "We really are grateful that you came out tonight."
Bill looked forlorn suddenly and took both my hands in his.
"I wasn't able to donate blood to Eric because of the traces of silver in my muscle tissue. I will always be a little weaker and slower than I was before. But I owed it to you to make sure that you are all right. I didn't come here for him. I came here for you. I also want you to understand that he didn't win you from me fair and square. And I'm not totally sorry that this happened to him."
"You really should be going, Bill." I sensed something wild and dangerous brewing in Bill, but Eric was not lying peacefully by either. His eyes flew open and I sensed that he was angry and frustrated. "Really, Bill. Thank you for the gift, thank you for checking on me, but I'm fine." The two glared at each other in a way that reminded me of when Quinn showed up at my house unexpectedly. Bill kissed my forehead and walked towards the door. "Enjoy your sham of a marriage, Mrs. Northman." He said that last thing with so much venom that I actually shivered. Pam came in before the door had closed all the way and declared Bill the last vampire in line. I walked to Eric's side and he lifted his arms to me. He was getting stronger now, and I was glad to see that he was awake but he had a very long way to go before he would be fully recovered. I got in the bed and he held me close. Quite suddenly, I was sobbing. He pulled me in closer and made shushing sounds.
"Sookie," Eric's voice was sandpapery and raw. I shook my head.
"Don't talk, I'm okay. I'm just glad you're going to live. I was so, so worried about you." And I was. I felt relief wash over me in a way that I realized Eric was sharing. He too had been afraid. I'd been holding my breath for two days and it felt good to let everything out.
"Pam?" Eric said a few words to her in an ancient sounding version of Swedish and she raised her eyebrow at me. I tried to read between the lines of what had just occurred between them but she was gone before I could get a good read on either one.
"I know that Bill is unhappy and jealous but to call our relationship a sham is too much." I shouldn't have cared what Bill thought, but what did he know about our relationship?
"He has heard it from the tiger that I did not consult with you before announcing our changed relationship."
" I would have agreed had you asked, you just never think to ask me."
We sat quietly for nearly an hour. I wanted to tell him that I didn't mind so much; I loved him. I wanted to tell him that I loved him, but I was afraid that he didn't actually love me. I was concerned it was gratitude masquerading as love, that or lust. He sensed my shifting emotions of course, but why couldn't I sense how he felt about me. Was it this way for him too?
"Lover, why does it bother you so, when someone calls you Mrs. Northman?" Are you that unhappy with me?"
I realized that of course he had heard my conversation with Pam, and the king.
"I've told you before, I'm unhappy with how you handled it. I want to be consulted about decisions that affect me." I also wanted to know if I was a trophy being passed between Eric and the rest of the supernatural community; at least that was my fear when he banished Quinn.
"There wasn't time to consult you. Victor Madden showed up in Shreveport and I had to act fast. He came here to take you; to take you away from me and I couldn't allow it. I knew you would hate that. Yes, I was selfish, but I'm not sorry."
He stared at me intently, waiting for a response, but I didn't have one. I suspected that Eric had arranged things so that he was my only possible suitor. Had I been duped after all?
I didn't speak for a long time. I was so confused. I had been through a spectrum of emotions in the last 48 hours.
"My love, what did you think of my home?" He had nearly died and he was worried whether or not I liked his house.
" Um, what I saw was lovely." I couldn't hide the contempt in my voice. Why were we having this conversation now? Didn't we have important things to discuss, like how I could get out of being Mrs. Northman until I had a say-so in the matter. I just wanted to be asked, I wanted to know for sure that he loved me, not the idea of me.
" It's yours." I had wandered off mentally and it took me a moment to come back to what he was saying.
I pulled away from him to look him in the eyes. "I don't know what you're playing at Eric, but I don't need a house, I have a house. And it's in Bon Temps, not Shreveport."
"I want you to live with me. I want us to be a proper couple, husband and wife…Have I said something wrong?" He could tell that I was teetering towards upset. I'm sure this was every girl's dream to have a big house in the country, an attentive man. But it was hurried and it felt controlled. What would he gain by playing house with me. I certainly didn't want to be "collected" if that was what I was to him. I climbed out of the bed and pulled a bottle of water from the refrigerator.
"Listen Eric, my Gran taught me that if a man is in an all-fired hurry to get you to marry and settle down, that that's a good reason to put the brakes on and slow things down. What's got you in the marrying mood?" If this was a reaction to a near death experience, I really wasn't interested. As it was, we were only pledged to stop de Castro from summoning me to Nevada whenever he damned well pleased. I was coming to understand that while the super naturals claimed to like me, they valued what I could do for them far more. I wasn't sure if Eric was above trying to use me for his own purposes. Locking me up in his gilded cage was still a cage and that was about as romantic as a fig Newton as far as I was concerned. Maybe I was wrong to hold out for romance. But I wanted what I wanted and I would have it. I had hoped that I could delay this conversation until he was stronger and when I could be sure that he was not just reacting to almost dying permanently.
"You're not thinking clearly, you don't want me in Shreveport with you."
"I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want you there. I need to be able to protect you."
"Like when Lochlan and Neave took me?" I felt myself getting upset again. I'd felt abandoned by Eric and he still hadn't told me why he wasn't able to help me that day.
Something in his expression changed. It was out on the table and I couldn't take it back. I tried to climb back into the bed with him, but he rolled toward the wall and put his back to me.
"Sookie, I'm really tired. Can we agree to talk about these things some other time?" His gesture of turning away let me know that he was finished talking about our relationship for a while. We had probably strayed into treacherous waters too soon. He was vulnerable and I hadn't made it any better bringing up the fairy incident. All I could figure was Eric felt powerless and I reminded him of his failure to protect me. I was his wife as everyone kept insisting.
I watched him carefully as he sank down into the blankets. I hadn't ever seen him this shaken. Something occurred to me as I watched him.
"Did you mean it when you said you love me? Or were you just saying that out of gratitude?"
"Why are you doing this?"
Pam knocked lightly as she entered which I'm sure is not something she would ever have to do if I weren't present. Eric rolled over and there was a single streak of blood on his cheek.
"Not now, Pam." Eric stared at me and I stared right back. Was he really crying?
I found that difficult to believe, but he had been through so much this year, a shift in his social and financial status, a wife he didn't really want and now this.
"Has something changed, Master Eric?" Pam was half concealed by the door as if she was hiding something. Eric growled a low sound that actually scared me a little and I took a step back.
"It's okay Pam," I said. "I'm going out for a walk."
"I'll go with you. It'll give Eric some time to rest and to think." I saw her fumbling with something behind her back but I was concerned with Eric.
I crossed the room and kissed the trail left on his cheek. He didn't have blood to spare, so I tried to calm him. He looked at me confused, but still angry. I didn't want to fight with him. Especially not so soon after nearly losing him. I think our nerves were raw and we were both too close to the picture to see clearly.
"Just rest. I wasn't trying to hurt you." I kissed his mouth waiting for a response but got none. I whispered that I loved him as our lips parted. His jaw clenched and he turned away. Pam and I walked out into the hall. I hadn't been out of his room for two days and it felt good to step back and assess where I stood with him. I broke the silence once we were out of earshot of Eric's room.
"Pam, have you ever been in love? I mean, really, fantastically in love?"
She lowered her head as we walked and I feared for a moment that I'd hit on a sore subject.
"Yes, Sookie," she paused for a long second. "I have. And I would have done anything to keep what we had. But I was stubborn, hotheaded and young….like you."
I didn't think I was being hotheaded or foolish. I was protecting myself.
"You're going back on your promise, aren't you?" She looked more disappointed than anyone I'd ever seen, including Eric.
"No, Pam, I'm not. You of all people should understand. Didn't you tell me you were sneaking out to meet a man when Eric turned you? You were trying to control your own destiny. That's all I've ever wanted. Ever since I got tangled up with the supes, someone has been making plans for me without ever asking me what I want. If I'm so all fired crappy at making my own decisions, then cut me loose and find another telepath to do your dirty work." We crossed the lobby into a conservatory filled with flowers. "And where was he anyway? He keeps saying that he will explain why he sent Bill to rescue me. I didn't want Bill. I wanted Eric. Why won't he explain any of this to me? I know you all think I'm not as bright as you--"
"No one thinks that." Pam was at my right elbow while I leaned in smelling the most exotic of the lilies. "You have gained so much respect from so many creatures who don't ordinarily give humans the time of day. To your credit, you have the support of one of the most powerful kings in the New World. Eric would move the Heavens for you and you throw that back in his face. I don't get it. When will it ever be enough for you? He takes good care of you, Sookie. He rearranges his life when you call. He has honored you by pledging marriage to you, a human. He is willing to love you and lose you to your mortality. For the first time in ages, he has given his heart away and you hand it back because of the wrapping? Maybe he did misjudge you. I certainly did."
That hurt. I actually felt my breath catch in my throat. I felt tears pooling in my eyes and when I turned to my right, she had already gone. I stood for a moment thinking about the last few minutes that had just passed. Then I considered the past two days, and the past two years. Eric had been the only constant; the one thing that I could count on. Bill lied, cheated, raped and mangled me. Quinn disappeared and reappeared with so much baggage, our lives would be a of managing someone else's problems. I had to admit, when I thought about it, the one man who consistently loved me, whether he said it or not, had been Eric.
My heart ached for him suddenly at how awful I'd been. I pulled a calla lily from the display, hoping that no one would mind theft in the face of forgiveness. I rode the elevator back to our room, sniffing the lily and thinking about adjusting to my role as Mrs. Eric Northman. I exited the elevator and reached for the handle to Eric's door. Pam pulled the door from my hand and before I could steady myself, I nearly fell into the room. I dropped the lily while I grabbed at the wall.
"I know you weren't expecting me back so soon..." I saw the expression on Eric's face and he wouldn't make eye contact with me. "I have something I'd like to say, Pam if you'd excuse us please."
"I'm not going anywhere. He doesn't want to hear what you have to say. I have advised him to release you and I think that he has finally agreed with me." She stood in my way, and I couldn't see him.
"Eric, is this true?' I couldn't believe that things could go this horribly wrong in one evening.
"I'm releasing you from your pledge to me. I'm sorry that I forced you into a marriage that you weren't ready for. You are free to see whomever you like. I only need you to sign papers for the Vampire Council declaring that you and I are no longer wed. I'll have them sent to your home. I've arranged transportation back to Bon Temps for you, and you can expect a payment for your lost wages." He never looked up from the bed as he said these things to me.
"Eric, what are you saying? No longer wed? Wait, what is this? What are you saying? Are you dumping me? That's it? Can't we just talk?" He stared at his hands silently. " I made a mistake. I don't know how you feel about me, Eric and why you're so interested in keeping me tied to you. I just want to talk. I've been having s. I get closer and closer to dying each time and you're never there. I'm so afraid that you won't ever be there. Pam, please leave."
She scowled at me as Eric said firmly, "As your maker, I command you to stay here in this room." She was immediately rooted to the spot.
"Fine, I don't care if she does hear me. I am here because I love you, and
I just want to understand your motives. Eric, you're making a mistake."
"You won't be the last." He stared at a spot of my blood on his bed. My wrist had broken open again, this morning. I would have given anything for it to be just one hour ago. I tried to cross the room towards him, but Pam was very fast, and very efficient. She could make it so that I never saw him again.
"Don't do this, don't listen to her. She's wrong. You're wrong about me. I'm not taking for granted all the things that you have done for me. I just want to explain why I'm being so cautious. Eric, please…?" They both went immobile and I knew it was hopeless. A sob tore from my throat. I had lost him after all. I bent over and picked up the calla lily. "Why can't you just tell me what I am to you? Why didn't you come for me? If you loved me, you would have been there. Do you love me? Even a little bit? Bill was there."
"Bill was there because I sent him there!" Eric had never yelled at me before. I knew I was making things worse, but I couldn't stop. It was as if the last few months had just burst open and I had to understand. I needed the nightmares to stop. Maybe I was just a project for him. Maybe winning me from Bill and Quinn was the goal and now that he had achieved that, he didn't want me anymore.
"You'll never know how sorry I am that we ended this way." I stared at the lily in my hand for a moment longer then I tossed it towards him. Pam caught it and crushed it in her palm. I turned and ran, not knowing where I was or how I would get home but knowing that I just didn't care.