One of the Furry Ones Chapter 1: The Beginning of the Tail End, a janet evanovich fanfic

A/N: This is probably the only note that will be helpful to read. I love a good urban fantasy or paranormal romance and well, I love Steph, so I combined the two to write a story for myself. Delicious, right? Anyway, it would probably be beneficial to you readers to be familiar with the Mercy Thompson series by Patricia Briggs because I use mostly her versions of the supernaturals, but it certainly isn't necessary as I don't use any of those characters. Moving on, One of the Furry Ones is a rewrite of the first book but as a different genre as well as a Babe 'centricity'. Lots of the plot and happenings will be very similar, if not perfectly following the book, at least to start off with. As I get further into the book, there will be much more deviation so if you're bored now with the similarities, just hang in there. It will get a lot more interesting once the other supes get introduced. This fic is un-betaed as it is written for myself. I'm only posting because I've put a lot of effort into it. Also, UF/PNR has become quite big and I thought some others might enjoy.

So review if you hate it, review if you love it, review if you want more, review if you think I'm following the book too closely so I know you didn't read the above note (wink wink), or don't review at all!

Bon appetit! I hope you enjoy our favorite little Jersey girl in the big bad world of the supernatural.

All of the characters you know and love were borrowed from the lovely Ms. Evanovich. They will be returned to her in due time.

Will I like this story?: Well I dunno... However, this first chapter is not representative of this story or my writing. If you want to quickly know if it is worth reading, check out my one shot collection titled It's Just a One Shot Away as they are all scenes from this story that I chose not to include. They aren't spoilery and they showcase this story much better than this first chapter. Why is this first chapter different than the rest? I followed the original book very closely for this first chapter because so much is conveyed about Stephanie as well as the plot and it was important not to miss something.

One of the Furry Ones

Chapter One: The Beginning of the Tail End

THERE ARE SOME oddities about me that growing up I was discouraged from ever speaking of; my sometimes tail and Joseph Morelli are just two of them.

Morelli and I were born and bred in a nosy little part of Trenton often referred to as the burg. Each family is the same as the next unless you count the few Hungarians and Germans that got sucked in to offset inbreeding. The burg is Italian. New York City has Chinatown and Trenton has the burg. Not only are the families carbon copies, but so are the homes and tiny yards. Despite the burg's proud Italian dominance, the only respectable cars driven and owned in the burg are American. Just ask my dad. I'm pretty sure the only time we hear him talk anymore is when one of the neighbors disgraces the burg with their German cars. I suppose the burg isn't the worst place to live if you had to live in Trenton anyway, a store selling meat and Tastykakes on every other corner really brightens the place up.

I suppose I should step back for a minute and confess that I was, and still am, a burg freak. Not in the sense that I was obsessed with the burg, but in that I was the anomaly and my mother never let me forget it. I don't really fit in with the other side either because, you see, no one has ever met any one quite like me. I was a unique little snowflake that mother nature wished she'd used a flamethrower on. I'm a werecoyote I guess, but you won't hear me saying that to the wolves. They wouldn't want me claiming a were title. More accurately, I'm a walker. When my mother first discovered a little coyote in the crib instead of a baby, she spent hours researching what disease I had. Okay, actually she fainted first but then she worked toward making me normal. The first step towards a cure is diagnosis. She still hasn't found that cure but she did find something else that made her faint. I get mistaken for a skinwalker fairly often, but really, where would a baby find a coyote pelt to wear?

One might think that having a super sensitive nose and above average night vision in addition to the ability to shift would be a good thing. You'd be wrong though, dead wrong. Being a walker only gets me into trouble with the supernatural community and my mother. Being different isn't something to bring up at the dinner table or ever. After all, Harriet Gotler's daughter Helena doesn't take her clothes off and shift into a coyote so why should I.

I could never do anything right growing up. Morelli was another point of contention with my mother. I didn't see him often because he was a couple years older than me. My mother was quick to make rules about him anyway though. "Stephanie, stay far away from those Morelli boys. You can't trust them. I hear stories about the things they trick foolish girls like you into doing when they get them alone."

I made a foolish mistake on my own then by questioning her and bringing it up. "What kinds of things do the girls do? Do they shift for them like I can?"

My mother had sucked in a sharp breath and crossed herself. "Even worse things. And what did a tell you? Never speak of your condition, not to anyone!"

From then on, Morelli became forbidden to me along with my coyote. The forbidden intrigued me and I didn't really care for being bossed around. At the innocent age of six, Morelli fooled me for the first time in what was going to be a long series of foolishness for me. He promised to teach me a new game if I followed him into his father's garage. I didn't need much convincing. Games were fun and boys hardly ever cried or tattled if they got hurt playing with me.

His garage was homey if you were a cockroach. I suppose the Morelli boys liked it just fine too. The light was dim and a thick, untouched layer of smegma covered the windows. Guests weren't taken for visits in this garage so there was no point in Mama Morelli cleaning. The air smelled foul even to a human nose. My nose had been so overwhelmed that I had teared up. I'd sooner die than let Morelli see me cry though. The garage wasn't meant to hold the family's cars. The garage instead was a place for unmentionables. Para Morelli helped his sons learn the error of their ways here with his belt and the boys learned the fine art of self pleasure. Morelli had picked the perfect place to teach me his new game.

Maybe it was overconfidence in my canine ability to tell when someone was pulling a fast one on me, but even after taking in the dank garage I still wanted to know what game we'd be playing. "How do you play?"

Morelli had given me his signature smirk that he hadn't quite perfected yet. "Spread your legs apart. We're playing train. You be the tunnel and I'm the train." He didn't know my aversion to bossiness or rules yet so I'd let him off easy and just did what he'd said. I spread my legs as far apart as I could with the skirt my mother'd forced on me this morning. If I was going to be the tunnel, I was gonna be the best dang tunnel ever. Morelli had dropped to his hands and knees quickly, probably thinking I'd catch on and prevent him from sneaking a peak.

Maybe this says something about me. I'd trusted him despite my mother's warning and I'd let him stick his head up my skirt. Naive and stupid. I think it says more about him though. I'd learned my lesson for the time being because I'd never gotten a turn to be the train but he kept right on looking up skirts.

Ten years later, at sixteen, Joe Morelli had gotten better at sneaking up skirts. Those years alone or with other foolish girls in his garage had gifted him fast hands and clever fingers. He'd also perfected his smirk and added a swagger to his step. He'd grown into the quintessential bad boy. At times he'd have eyes like milk chocolate, and anyone who knew me could tell you, I loved chocolate. I'd always been told chocolate is bad for dogs but they weren't the authorities on the subject that I would eventually be.

Between my mother and my own uniqueness, making and keeping friends wasn't easy for me. I did have, and still do, a best friend. Her name's Mary Lou. She knows all my secrets except the biggie so when she overheard someone say that Joe had a tongue like a lizard, she immediately told me.

I didn't really know what she expected me to say though. I sometimes have a tongue that's more than like a coyote's and it wasn't so bad. Maybe Morelli was a werelizard. I was pretty sure that he was just plain chocolate though so I had to assume what it was had to also do with his fixation on what was under a ladies skirt.

Mary Lou had looked me in the eyes and gave me a hard look because she knew I was bad at taking advice. "I also heard that if he gets you alone, you're done for. There's no going back. He's got you."

I also knew a little secret about Mary Lou, she was a drama queen. She knew that I knew being alone with Morelli was a big disappointment. I decided to play along though since she's my best friend. "What do you mean 'it's too late'? You don't mean that he rapes them do you?"

I don't think Mary Lou had been listening all that closely. She relied too much on body language and tone. "Yes! What? No, Steph, no. What are you even thinking? I meant that he's like cat-nip. You know, irresistible?"

I'm pretty sure this is about the time I snorted. Those silly little cat and dog phrases get me every time. Morelli was irresistible and you didn't need to be alone with him to get that. I irresisted once already though and fool me once, shame on him... I didn't intend on putting any shame on myself so there would be no round two. "I'm a virgin and he's ways older than me," I whispered to her, like it wasn't common knowledge. "I'm sure that I'll be plenty safe."

Mary Lou apparently knew the man's psyche better than I did. "Oh please. Like that is going to turn him off. If anything it will make him more likely to get you, Steph! A virgin and a challenge all wrapped up in you."

It turned out Mary Lou was right. It never would have happened if on some subconscious level that I'd realized Mary Lou had told me not to let Joe have his way with me. Joe, that good for nothing Morelli, paid me a visit in the bakery I'd just started working at. The one thing I love more than chocolate was cake. I was surrounded by cake and doughnuts in Tasty Pastry when he charmed away my virginity behind the chocolate éclairs counter. It was all wonderful, you know, the cake, the chocolate and somehow the sex until he told me that he'd joined the navy, fixed his clothes and strolled out with a chocolate-chip cannoli. That rat bastard. Fool me twice, shame on me. I was pissed about this turn of events. Fool me thrice was going to be payback on him. Later that night after I'd shifted, I paid his yard a visit. I dug up everything I could, not that he'd care but it made me feel better for a little while.

I only felt better for a few days. It really began to fester during his three year absence. Another thing about me that my mother doesn't like is that I'm impulsive. I usually act on good instincts and I'd like to think I did this time too. I was in a great mood on my way to go shopping. My father had loaned me his Buick which I still see as another stroke of good fortune, sturdy American made car that it was. Morelli was standing in front of Giovichinni's Meat Market looking even better than I'd remembered when an angel possessed me. I jammed the gas pedal down, jumping the curb. He was facing away from me so even he couldn't vouch that this was an on purpose accident, another stroke of luck. Anyway, the car barely grazed him and he went flying. Calmly, I put the car into park and got out to make sure I'd done some damage worthy of twice fooled. "Are you okay?"

He groaned while looking down my shirt. "My leg. It hurts."

I couldn't have held back my smile if I tried. "Good." I skipped back to the Buick and drove off to the mall.

I've grown up since then and haven't needed to run over a single other person. Morelli got to be my first at a lot of things I suppose.

AT NIGHT TIME, Trenton was a relatively desolate place. I know because I'm out there usually roaming the streets looking for a nice place to run and stretch my four legs, maybe even chase a rabbit. I mostly stick to areas I'm familiar with now. It's hard to ask for directions back home when you have a snout and slobbery tongue. People tend to frown upon asking for directions while naked too, which is my other option. I'd learned a long time ago that letting my coyote out every night was best for my mental health. People started looking at me funny when I'd gone a few days without. The walls always seemed to start to close in on me and all of the oxygen got sucked from the room. Worst of all was that one of my eyes would start twitching. During the daytime I stick to being just a regular human. Everyone has a gun around here, except me, and a coyote in the city would be a free for all.

It was August, hot, sticky, tar melting August. The air conditioner in my apartment was broken so I was driving around in my Mazda Miata convertible. The top was down, the air was blasting and I was belting out the words to some of my favorite summer songs. It was the perfect way to spend the day. I was seriously considering shaving my head bald however. My mop of shoulder-length brown hair was curlier than ever. The wind had turned it into a monster of its own, a big mass of snarls and frizz. I wasn't sure who in my family to blame for inheriting this mess. I pushed my sunglasses up the bridge of my nose for the thousandth time, slightly swerving into the other lane as I also shook my hair out of my sharp blue eyes. I liked my eyes. I didn't get them from anyone in my family though, they were a gift from being different. They were the coyote's gift and thankfully they're both the same color.

My day was about to hit a sour note. It was Sunday. Sunday meant dinner in the burg with my parents. I'd made the mistake of calling earlier to see if it was something I liked; honestly it didn't matter though. I didn't get a choice whether or not I was going. Tonight was pot roast night. I really hoped I made it in time before dad got seconds or there wouldn't be anything left. He and I both eat like football players. The only difference is I metabolize and he doesn't.

Apparently pot roast with my mother wasn't punishment enough for speeding a little. When I glanced up in the rear-view mirror I saw what was my current least favorite person, Lenny Gruber. He looked just like his name sounded, gross. He was a few cars behind me in a tan sedan and I hoped that he hadn't seen me yet but I knew that wasn't my luck. I let a growl slip and banged the dash a few times. I wasn't just another faceless person to Gruber, we'd gone to the same high school. Slimy, disgusting Lenny was exactly the same now as he was back in high school. I had the misfortune of still being acquainted because I was a tad late on my Miata payments. Lenny was the repo company.

When I'd bought the car about six months ago, I hadn't planned on making late payments. I also hadn't planned on losing my gorgeous apartment and season tickets to the Rangers. I'd held onto those tickets longer than my apartment. I love hockey. The food, the adrenaline and the cute butts. I'm at a loss as to which I like best, okay no, it's the food. But then out of blue I got laid off. The freaking nerve. I had no money hence my need to troll around all day to cool off.

Lenny was following me, I was sure of it now. No one followed me if I didn't want them to. I decided to take this opportunity to speak with him before he just took my car from my parents' curb. Braking hard in the middle of the street, I put the car into park and threw my door open. Lenny and I were going to have a chat and I planned on using all my Jersey attitude. Several cars beeped at me as I stalked over to Lenny's car. I waved them my favorite Italian hand gesture and continued on.

"Stephanie Plum, is that you?" Gruber questioned giggling to himself like he was clever and not some nasty little bug I was about to squash. "What are the odds I'd see you out here? And like this!"

His window was down so I laid both of my hands on the sill leaning in. I wasn't a particularly dominant coyote. Okay, that's a blatant lie. I'm a complete sissy but I can fake tough guy right up there with Bruce Willis and even the guys with a nose for our hierarchies have trouble noticing the fake. I knew batting my eyelashes and cooing at him would get me nothing more than propositioned so I tried bad ass instead. "Lenny, you don't want to mess with me today. I have to eat dinner with my family tonight. If you cause me to be stranded there it would be the lowest of low." I gave him a good glare and thought about taking up my hit and run history again if I still had my car after today.

He had the guts to smile at me knowing that if I caused any more of a scene my mother would complain me to death. "I dunno, Steph. What possible reason would I have not to take your car? It is my job after all."

I ran my hand over my face, hoping to calm down before I reached though the open window and strangled him. I haven't strangled anyone yet. "What do you want?" I asked him desperately.

"I'd really need to see you naked first before I can commit to any sort of deal"

I sighed, I knew this trick. It was why I didn't flirt with him to begin with. You'd have to dump acid in my eyes before I would even consider letting Gruber touch me. Maybe no one would notice if I gave him a black eye real quick. I glanced around but we were way to close to the house to risk it. "Just let me keep the car for tonight, so I can escape my parents'. You aren't that heartless are you?"

"Nice try. I've been following you for days trying to get it back. There's no way I'm risking another day."

Damn. I hadn't noticed him before and my nose told me he wasn't bluffing. I must be sneakier in nature than I thought if I'd managed to lose him so well. That or selling back everything I own has taken me on an erratic and unpredictable path.

"The only way you're keeping that car longer is if I get a little gratification out of it. Maybe you can put that pretty little mouth of yours to a better use than talking."

I'm pretty sure I just barfed a little at that suggestion. "You're a pig. Take the car. I'll walk to my parents and back home. Pathetic... I bet the only way you get any is from blackmail."

He looked at me sharply for that comment, oops. Maybe if he hadn't been ogling my 36B chest I wouldn't have been pushed to say it. He was pathetic though. My hair had to resemble Medusa's and right now I was dressed up for dinner with my parents. My 5' 7" frame was decked out in black spandex shorts and a men's hockey jersey that went almost to my knees. I was pretty sure I had grown a pimple above my lip while talking to Lenny too, it was just that stressful.

"You aren't a dream yourself right now." Damn. That was low. The booger had personally attacked me and I'll admit that it hurt. "I've read one of your reviews though... we did go to high school together after all so I can make allowances."

I groaned and turned on my heel, returning back to the Miata. It's dangerous going back to my childhood home with low self esteem. I wasn't sure what my mother was going to try and talk me into this time but she was going to be one hundred times more successful now.

A few minutes later I idled in front of the house. Gruber hadn't made me want to bash my head into the steering wheel but returning home did. Home is usually a place of safety, comfort and love to people. It's the place they grew up and it's full of carefree, wondrous memories...or so I'd been told anyway. My childhood home made me want to flee in terror while screaming bloody murder. To make things worse, I was seven minutes late to dinner which meant no pot roast for me.

Right now would be a good time for a pep talk but I couldn't come up with anything so I dragged myself out of the car. I braced myself for battle as I closed my eyes and drew in a deep breath. My mother had taken to setting me up with various men from the burg without telling me. She's gotten sneaky and has them park their cars a few blocks away now too because after the first few I'd just leave if I suspected anything. I didn't catch any suspicious scents but it wouldn't have mattered if I did because I'd been spotted.

The house was a two-story duplex. Our half was a delicious yellow. It had been that color for forty years and I can assure you that should my mother survive forty more years, it would stay that way. What we had of a front yard had been spruced up with red geraniums. I wonder if my mother knew that they were the favorite pee stop of nearly every dog within a five block radius. She would be horrified if I told her. Mentioning my nose was a no no and the thought that any creature would desecrate her hard work would push her over the edge. If I was desperate for an out, I was going to use it on the off chance that she might faint and I'd be able to make a break for it.

The inside of my parents' home was typical for the burg. The front door opens into the living room, the dining room is in the middle and the kitchen is at the rear of the house. Everyone sleeps and does their business upstairs, after they've fought to get a turn in the bathroom anyway.

Mrs. Markowitz lived next door. She'd painted her half of the duplex lime green because it was all she could afford on her social security. No one spoke of how the two colors clashed and no one brought up citrus, especially not if they wanted dessert.

I'd stalled for too long outside. My mother opened the screen door and poked her head out. "Stephanie! What are you doing? What will the neighbors think?" I wasn't sure what I did this time but I was sure she was about to tell me. "Standing out there when you're already late for dinner. The neighbors will think that you don't want to be here. What if they think it's my cooking! Get in here. Everything is getting cold." I sighed, the pot roast wouldn't be cold because it'd be gone.

In my family we tell time based on what meal it is. Six o'clock isn't six o'clock, it's dinner time. We always eat at six exactly or else the vegetables will be cold and the meat will be dry. Now that I've moved out, I tell time based on when I ate my last doughnut. I can't have a good day anymore without my wake-up Boston Creme.

Once inside, Grandma Mazur made her presence known from behind my mother. "Look at those!" she shrilled while eying my shorts. "Those would look real good on me don't you think? I still have decent legs. Wanna see?" Before I got a chance to answer her, she had her skirt hiked up to the bottom of what I can only describe as bloomers. We all looked down at her legs. I tried to suppress a shudder that threatened to wrack my body. "Nice, huh? I'd be able to show 'em off real good in those shorts. The senor center wouldn't know what hit them!"

Grandma Mazur was my hero until she did something like show me her legs. She was a little bit odd herself, you know, other than the crazy. She'd told me once that her grandfather had been a witch and that a little of his magic had been passed down to her. She couldn't do spells or anything, but she had a knack for making things happen. If she wanted the bathroom first, my father would somehow get locked in his own bedroom or if she wanted to go to the beauty parlor and they had no slots, there would be a last minute cancellation. It came in handy for her, but usually got me into hot water. Grandma Mazur was intent on living life to it's fullest and she was convinced that was how I was living. I was just waiting for my shorts to disappear during dinner and appear on her bed upstairs. I was ready to give her my shorts just to get her to put down her skirt. She might have had sexy legs when she'd been young but she certainly wasn't young now. Her knees were hard and bony. Her wrinkled skin hung off the thin bones. I decided that I wouldn't mind if Grandma Mazur took my shorts, I just wanted to keep my own legs.

Modesty wasn't a big thing for me any more. You get over nudity real quick when your life depends on shifting either to beast or human. Wearing clothes to shift is a big mistake. I'd ended up stuck so badly one time that my mother needed to cut my clothes off of me. I'd been lucky that none of the neighbors had seen or else I'm not sure if a few fingers of whiskey would have been a enough for her after. She'd have needed my head on a wooden spoon.

Based on the groan and look on my father's face, he was either contemplating suicide or murder. Grandma Mazur's antics drove him up the wall but he'd yet to do anything more than make faces. Jail must not have been worth losing home cooked meals because he continued shoveling the remaining pot roast into his mouth.

Two years ago, Grandpa Mazur's soul checked out of his body and took up residence in the castle in the sky. Daddy had envied him every day since Grandma Mazur moved in and never left.

Daddy didn't care that I was different from all of the other little girls. "Pumpkin, you don't want to be like them anyway," he used to tell me. We never talked about it because well, he never really talked anyway, but every once in a while especially when my mother is wearing me down, he'd let me know that he was proud. Grandma Mazur's witchiness gave him heartburn though. Especially since we didn't know how much one forth witch blood would add to her lifespan. Once in a blue moon when I was early for Sunday dinner and he was napping on the couch, he'd wake up in a cold sweat after dreaming that she was immortal. That frightened me a little bit too. I loved my Grandma Mazur, but I wasn't sure how I'd survive the sight of her legs if she got much older.

"You shouldn't be wearing those revealing shorts, Stephanie," my mother chastised as she sat back down to her place on my father's right. What she really meant to say was 'you should know better than wearing that hideous outfit out in public where the neighbors can see you looking sloppy'. I'd worn this outfit hoping she wouldn't invite me back for dinner next week. I'd miss the dessert but I could always buy some Tastykakes to make me feel better. Even Tastykates had trouble making me forget Sunday dinner.

I rolled my eyes in response to her and put what was left of the meal onto my plate. I'd feel better if the vegetables had butter so I cut a huge chunk and smothered my mashed potatoes and peas in it.

"Maybe if you tried to look like a lady and cleaned up a bit you would still be married."

Ouch. If it had been the first time she'd said that I might had slowed down my stab, chew, swallow cycle but it was near the thousandth time. I let it roll off me and because she was waiting patiently for a reply, I said, "I don't want to be married. Single is more fun, just ask Grandma. We've both sworn off marriage for the rest of our lives. If we have to, we'll live in sin." I was still feeling a little bit grumpy about missing out on the pot roast so I added, "Plus why would I want to stay married to a guy who was more of a dog than me?"

Grandma Mazur giggled manically, "A dog is too good for him, Stephanie. He was a elephant's tush." She glanced over at my mother quickly to gauge her reaction before continuing. "If I'd known being single was this much fun, I would have divorced your Grandpa Mazur a long time ago and have been a swinger. I was watching the Discovery channel this morning and they had a program on these sex parties and your grandfather would have been a real bore at one of those. I need a man who can keep up with me...well keep it up at all."

My ex-husband wasn't the elephant's tush, he was the sticky poo on it. I'd caught him poking Joyce Barnhardt on our dining room table when I came home from work early one day. I'd been eating a doughnut and hadn't caught their scents in time. There wasn't enough bleach in the world to get the image of the two of them out of my mind.

I was lucky that my coyote had refused him for its mate... A little thing about mating, it's not weird or really any different from marriage. There's just there's no divorce from it. The though of being stuck with my ex still made me shudder and see spots.

My mother chose to ignore most of what I said. "Loretta Buzick's son Ronald is newly divorced and he doesn't know you very well. Do you remember him at all? You could marry him."

I remembered him. I'd also seen him recently enough to know I'd have to be desperate to consider him. He was nearly bald and was rather fat. I also knew that if I didn't put my foot down now, he'd end being a surprise guest next Sunday. "I don't like Ronald. He wouldn't want to marry me anyway. I saw him at the butcher's last week and we got into it because he got me the wrong amount of turkey and I didn't want to pay for what I didn't ask for." That was all made up but it could have been true, he was a butcher after all. Maybe it was shallow of me to judge him based on his looks but the truth was even if I did want to get married again, I'm not sure I could live with a guy that smelled like meat and guts all of the time. It would smell tasty and I might even risky a lick but even I don't sleep with my food.

My mother wasn't giving up on marriage yet. "He's probably not ready yet for marriage anyway. What about Bernie Kuntz? You haven't seen him lately. I ran into him at the dry cleaners and he asked about you. I don't think he was just being polite either. Sometime this week I'll invite him over for cake."

I knew this trick. She'd say cake and hope I wouldn't ask questions or notice that anyone else would be sharing with me. I was also pretty sure with the way my luck was running that she'd already invited him over and that was how she knew he wasn't just being polite. He was fairly harmless so it might be worth the cake... seeing my mother an extra day this week wouldn't be worth it though. "I'm on a diet. I can't eat cake more than once this week and I'm already here today."

She actually snorted. "Stephanie, we both know you'd never say no to cake. And you're not on a diet, I saw those snacks in your car."

Damn, she had eyes like a hawk. Maybe now was a good time to change the subject. "I have some bad news." I really didn't want to tell her, but this would be nothing compared to another arranged marriage.

"You're pregnant!" She shrieked looking horrified.

"What? No!" Alright, maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Pregnant and unmarried was a million times worse to her than this. "There's sorta a problem with my job..." Aw, damn again. I chickened out. Whoever said just ripping the band-aid off was better than slowly pealing it off obviously hadn't been a class A coward.

She looked at me confused. "I don't understand. What's the problem? You love your job and its benefits."

The benefits were that every time I took my clothes off to shift when I wasn't at home, someone managed to find them and would steal my underwear but my job let me replace them at a discount. I'd thought about reporting the theft at the police station but I hadn't quite figured out how to explain why my panties weren't on while I visited the local park. "I...uh...don't have a job anymore. I got laid off."

She choked on her drink. "What! How could you manage to lose your job? How are you ever supposed to find another job if they don't want you there?"

I thunked my head off of the table a few times. "I wasn't fired. I was laid off. There's a difference." I had been a lingerie buyer for E.E. Martin in Newark. It wasn't as easy or as glamorous as it sounded but I had been good at it. I was a pro shopper especially with someone else's money.

I think I saw daddy smile a little. He thought the job was beneath me and it probably was, but right now money was money and I needed it. Grandma Mazur loved telling the ladies are the beauty parlor that her granddaughter was in the lingerie business so this was a big blow for her. To make it up to her, I decided to add her name to the Victoria's Secret catalogue mailing list when I got home.

"It doesn't matter if there's a difference, either way you're unemployed. How could you do this to me? Unemployed... Next you'll be homeless! What will people say then?"

I was pretty sure that no one would care that I was jobless, unless it was because I hadn't been making payments. I certainly hoped I didn't end up homeless. I'd rather sleep in the park than move in with my parents. I'd never get a turn in the bathroom and there was a better chance I'd give in to my mother's marriage demands.

She would be more concerned about the E.E. Martin scandal than my possible homelessness if she knew what had happened. I'm sure it would be my fault that their mob affiliations were made public this winter. Actually I bet it would be my fault too that they hadn't paid off the mob in the first place. In fact, I bet I even had a hand in the CEO's illegal business practices. E.E. Martin had been sold out to Baldicott, Inc. and I'd been part of their housecleaning. It was really had to win an argument with Ellen Plum especially when you did something that you didn't do. I opted to keep my trap shut and maybe confess to how much I needed a job. "Here's the thing though... I was uh... laid off six months ago."

If I hadn't known my mother was completely human, I might have mistaken her eyes for those of a demon. "Six months! You've been unemployed for six months! Have you been living in your car? How could you not tell your own mother?"

My dad gave me a concerned look. "Pumpkin..." He quickly got cut off by an angry glare from my mother.

"Why don't you have a new job? What are you doing all day? You should have a job and a husband yet you have neither. Why me?"

Abort! Abort! Cake with Bernie was looking really good about now. I was starting to feel real panicky. When I get panicky I have this terrible habit of word vomiting everything I'm thinking which is usually inappropriate or I start confessing to anything and everything.

"So about that cake later this week, I've decided that I'd really like chocolate cake." I tried latching onto that. Cake was a safe topic. Cake had nothing to do with getting sprayed by an angry skunk when I'd stuck my muzzle in his den earlier this week. "I...uh...what was the question?"

Grandma Mazur apparently didn't catch that I was taking on water fast and would soon sink. "Why are we talking about cake? I wanna know why you got laid off. The nerve of those people. Ellen, drive me to Newark. Stephanie needs to be more assertive. I'll get her job back for her."

I was feeling a little bit dizzy now too. I wouldn't live to a ripe old age if my mother found out about the mob connection. "No! I don't want that job anymore. They didn't appreciate me. I'll find another job. I just need a little bit more time." I had been looking for a job in nearly all of my free time these past few months. I refused to work a drive-thru or anywhere else demeaning. I was overqualified for most jobs but I lacked experience in management so I was in a tight spot. Maybe I could get hired as one of those stunt animals you see in movies...

My father had cleaned his plate and was eying mine a little bit. I really hoped that he didn't ask for anything. I didn't want to bite his head off but I was willing to do just about anything to create a distraction.

"I saw Vinnie yesterday," he started softly. "You know, your cousin. He's looking for someone to fill a position for him. Filing I think. You should call. Maybe work for him temporarily until you find something better." My daddy had worked thirty years for the post office and then retired early. He now was a cabbie part-time. Neither of those jobs required working for a creep.

Maybe dad was just a little sheltered and didn't know that Vinnie was a steamy toilet bowl full of diarrhea. I found it hard to believe he'd send his baby girl to work for Vinnie. Vinnie was a lot like a tapeworm. Actually, he was more like crabs; sneaky, disgusting thing that he was. Vinnie was my second least favorite relative. If you guessed that my mother was contestant number one then you won a shiny new car. I hoped being a relative of his would keep him from trying to get into my pants. Vinnie was best known for his sexual exploits, none of which were normal.

Apparently dizzy, desperate and a stomach full of word vomit was a lethal combination. "How much would I get paid?"

My father looked thoughtful. "Vinnie's cheap. Probably minimum wage."

Sold! To the freak of nature who really wants to keep her cute Miata and crummy apartment. Vinnie was after all, only second on my shit list so any job would be better than living here.

"Oh, how wonderful!" my mother was suddenly looking pleased as punch. "You'll work close enough to be able to come home for lunch everyday. And you're cake date with Bernie won't need to be canceled after all."

I really needed to console myself with whatever was for dessert. Once I was done with dessert, I was going to find the hedge trimmers in the garage and I was cutting my tongue out. That way I would never talk myself into something like this ever again.

IT WAS FINALLY time for me to go home. I started getting that sick, panicky feeling again when I realized my car might not be waiting for me. I closed my eyes and crossed my fingers before I stepped out of my mother's lair. The Miata had never looked so beautiful. My legs almost gave out as I thanked whatever higher power had convinced Lenny Gruber that today was not the day to mess with me. My mother had been right when she saw that the passenger seat had been loaded down with snacks. I would have been in a real sour mood if Lenny had taken those.

I needed a quick run before returning to my dingy apartment so I left the burg and headed toward the wooded park that had the running paths. Kids thought they were pretty clever and bad ass when they broke all of the new lamps that the city had just put in to light the paths. Apparently those late night joggers didn't feel safe in the dark from predators. They'd rather see the guy who attacked them. I didn't mind though because I was a predator too, just not the kind they were fearful of. The dark was much better for how I would be traveling.

I parked my car at the far end of the lot and hopped out. I was feeling pretty good now that I probably had a job and wasn't in the same house as my mother. I walked to the edge of the tree line and took a quick look around. I also took a deep breath because my nose was better than my eyes. I didn't see, hear or smell anyone so I began stripping. The top was still down on the Miata so I just threw my clothes into the back seat.

"Panties, stay." I really hoped they were still there when I got back. I couldn't afford new clothes without giving up some of my powered doughnuts and they were a really cute pair too.

I started to shift. I'm a pretty fast shifter unlike werewolves. My shift also doesn't hurt at all. It's just a tingly feeling that runs down my body. I don't notice much during a change other than claws growing from my toes and fingers and the hair sprouting. I figured that was a pretty good deal because I'm sure feeling what happened to my bones and face would be a lot worse.

Once down on four paws I set to work terrorizing anyone on the running path. I felt really good lopping along every once in a while stopping to see who'd been running since my last visit. I didn't really care about who had been here but I didn't have much else to do. There was always a chance that I might catch Lenny out here alone and be able to give him a real good bite in the ass. I kept up my hopeful thoughts throughout the rest of my jaunt. I got a running start and jumped the side of my car, landing in the back seat.

That rotten panty stealing bastard! All that was left of my clothes was my jersey and shorts. No shoes, no socks, no bra and certainly no panties. What irritated me the most was the whoever was stealing my stuff wasn't leaving a scent which meant they weren't human and probably knew that I was different. I sighed then shifted back, deciding to leave my charming panty Romeo a note next time. I decided to best convey my message, I could write something along the lines of 'touch my clothes again, I'll cut your fingers off'.

THE BEEPING OF my alarm came way too early. I'd forgotten to shut my bedroom curtains last night so sunlight was spilling across my bed blinding me. Blindness combined with an already scorching hot room was a pretty shitty way to wake up. I considered hitting the snooze button but decided against it. I'd need the morning to put on my game face for my job interview with Vinnie, if you could call showing up and demanding the job an interview. My vision had returned and the numbers on my clock nearly gave me a heart attack. I'd apparently been sleep walking, or at least sleep-hitting-the-snooze-button. I planned on getting up at seven this morning and now I was getting a two hour late start. Dinner with my family tends to have a vampiric, life draining effect on me.

I blinked a few more times before I eased myself up and stretched. If I dragged out my pathetic morning stretch long enough, I could usually make it to the bathroom without tripping or convincing myself that I needed just a few more minutes of sleep. I stood up and started carefully making my way through the obstacle course of dirty clothes to my bathroom. I glanced up at the mirror and let out a brief scream. There was no way the person staring back at me was really me. My hair couldn't be that bad, right? I touched the tip of my nose making sure that the mirror monster did the same. Ugh, it was me. It was too early for a hair battle so I grabbed a hair tie and did my best to tame the tangles back into a respectable ponytail.

Finishing up my bathroom business after defeating my hair, I moved into the kitchen to sooth another beast. My stomach has a more fearsome growl than my coyote most days. It likes cake, doughnuts and assorted other sweets best. I pretended to contemplate the idea of eating something healthy for breakfast by checking the refrigerator. No burglars had broken in last night and stocked it, so it looked like my only breakfast choices were in my snack bag that I'd purchased yesterday. I caught myself skipping over to my two person dining table where the shopping bag sat. What can I say? The thought of those powered doughnuts really made this morning cheerful. Now powered doughnuts are certainly no Boston Cremes, but they were good enough after the fiasco that was last night.

I plopped myself down onto of the table and began devouring the doughnuts. My legs were swinging back and forth and I might have been humming Bad Moon Rising. Most girls wants diamonds or designer purses. I, on the other hand, could be bought with a doughnut. Actually, a new purse might new nice... I'd need new shoes after yesterday's debacle though. You'd need to kill me to get another diamond on me though. Then again I wouldn't put it past my ex to be cheap enough to have proposed with a fake. I frowned slightly then licked the power off each of my fingers.

After finishing the last of my doughnuts, I walked over to my open window to get a feel for the hellish outside temperature. I stuck my head out the window and was hit by two nasty revelations; one, it was hotter than it was yesterday and I was pretty sure I'd need to walk around in less than a swimsuit to stay cool, and two, my car was missing from the lot. That no good, piece of slimy three day old take-out took my Miata while I was sleeping. Lenny better hope that I don't see him for the next century... I might just invite him to dinner with my parents.

There were no more doughnuts to make me feel better so I took to yelling explicative out the window. "Lenny, you dirty motherfucker! You shit for brains car thief!" Some weight lifted off my chest after venting until one of my senior citizen neighbors poked their head out of their window.

"Stephanie? Is that you yelling? Are you having one of those mental break downs again? Maybe you could keep it down until Jeopardy is over, I'm trying to hear the clues."

Old people, how selfish. No more doughnuts and now no more yelling. It was Monday too and I wasn't sure if I was ready for a whole week on this. Just my luck. This day was starting to look like a repeat performance on last night for shitiness.

I psyched myself up a bit for how great getting a job that paid money would be and decided that it would be best to completely tame my hair. My shower lasted long past the hot water. I was actually shivering as I stepped out. My shower would be the only time all day that I wouldn't be drenched in sweat unless Vinnie's gaping chest cavity chills the room as much as it does me. Vinnie wasn't worth putting much effort into past not being completely horrifying anyway. I brushed my hair, blow dried and added some gel to completely my sass look. Today would be an au natural day because not even my water proof make-up would survive the outside. I put on a black skirt that was just a tad too short to be appropriate for a work setting and started searching for a shirt that would match, look somewhat respectable and keep me cool. A short sleeve white v-neck seemed to be my only choice. Pitt stains would be least noticeable in white, right? I was sure Vinnie would point out anything and everything wrong with me when I arrived, just like I would for him.

I didn't like living alone all that much, it comes from the pack mentality of us canids. I love being independent though and frankly my family was the worst so I settled on having a pet as a roommate. It turns out I was a terrible roomie. Dogs couldn't stand me, they'd growl constantly or hide whenever I was near them. Cats, well, I didn't want one of them. A fish would probably have been more my speed, but I wanted something cute and furry. Instead, I got Rex, a hamster. Rex and I got along pretty well, he'd sleep during the day and ignore me except for when I fed him. He stayed up all night squeaking on his wheel. After the first few weeks, I was able to ignore the squeaking and actually sleep.

Before I left the apartment, I grabbed the box of hamster nuggets off of the kitchen counter and nearly pressed my face against the bars of Rex's happy hamster prison. He was asleep in his soup can as I predicted. I dropped a few of the nuggets into his bowl and waited. Rex could have been dead for all I knew, or he was utterly unimpressed with his meal selection. I shook the box a bit to see if he was at least still with me. One of his beady, black up flicked open. Ruh-roh, someone was a grumpy hamster. When I chose furry over scaly, I thought their might be some cuddling or other interaction involved. The only interaction Rex gave me were bi-weekly hand bites when I risked lifting him out of his cage to clean.

I locked up my apartment and took the elevator down to the lobby. Hey, I got a late night run in last night, no need to take the stairs and strain myself. I had one foot out of the lobby doors when I realized there was no way in hell that money was worth walking to Vinnie's place of business.

Three blocks down St. James there was a used car lot. As I walked there, I couldn't help but think of my poor Miata with Lenny behind the wheel. Blue Ribbon Used Cars had never looked more glorious when I finally got there. Even better was the $500 Nova sitting at the front of the lot. Maybe I wasn't as unlucky as I thought, I crossed my fingers just in case. The Nova wasn't the prettiest car they had. Hell, I wasn't even sure it was a car except that they assured me that they only sold used cars here. I haggled with the wussy attendant for only a few seconds when he gave in and offered to trade me the masterpiece for my TV, VCR and microwave. So long entertainment and apartment cooked meals. Oh boy, it was going to be a long, long day.

I hopped into the Nova after emptying my apartment of all valuable items and went straight to Vinnie's afraid that I might have to shell out more dough for gas if I dawdled. My mother had been kind enough to write out instructions on how to get there from her house which was even less helpful than it sounds. There was no way she was going to trick me into starting this little treasure hunt by driving near her house. I found the building fairly easily despite crummy directions and parked up the street on Olden at the first available parking space. I clambered out of the car and noticed right away that it was already leaving an oil spot of the pavement. Cripes, I just couldn't catch a break. I sprinted back toward Vinnie's before someone could take note of my 'new', hazardous car and call my mother with the embarrassing news.

Giant letters proclaiming Vincent Plum Bail Bonding Company hung on a sign above the door. I was proud for a moment that Vinnie had actually come up with a name was wasn't offensive. My own bad mood squashed that momentary insanity and I was left thinking how conceited Vinnie was in naming a business after himself that unfortunate others might have to work at. I certainly wouldn't be telling anyone I worked at Vincent Plum Bail Blah Blah Blah unless I was looking for someone to take another knock at my self-esteem. Tiny letter under the business name claimed that it was open twenty-four hours. Vinnie had another thing coming if he thought I'd be filing at night with him.

I tried to sneak a peak inside through the window. I wasn't all that excited to possibly come face to face with a criminal honestly. I can act real tough but on the inside I'm all vanilla pudding. I had been a while since I last peed and I didn't want to embarrass myself either. I couldn't see anyone through the window but I could see a small, dumpy lobby. Vinnie was a cheapskate all right. Everything, including the carpet, looked like it had been bought at a yard sale.

I removed myself from the window and started to pull the door open before I froze. Something was off. Something was making the hairs on my neck and arms stand on end. I took a deep breath and immediately recognized the smell, vampire. Vampires have a special smell about them. It isn't quite as 'death and decay' as a corpse might smell, but it was definitely along those lines. I didn't mind vampires much, I got along as well with them as I got along with everyone else which probably wasn't saying much.

There are a lot of misconceptions about vampires and honestly, I don't know all that much about them. I know they heal quickly, just like the weres do, and that they drink blood to survive but everything else is a mystery. Weres, vamps, witches, the fey, you name it, pretty much shut me out of their communities. I'm a misfit who doesn't have a group of furry, undead or otherwise pals to hang around with.

I opened the door a little more cautiously this time. The little bell chimed above the door and the secretary at the desk looked up at me for a moment then returned to whatever she was doing. I watched her inhale deeply and realize I wasn't as human as I appeared either. She looked confused but apparently deemed me no threat. I stepped into the lobby and looked around. It was as gloomy on the inside as it had appeared from the window.

The vampire had a name placard perched on her desk. It read Connie Rosolli. I was just as confused about why she was slumming it here as she was about my otherness. She didn't glance up again, waiting for me to speak. She had, however, stuck a finger between two teeth as she stared into a compact mirror. Huh, I guess vampires do have a reflection. She smelt like a homey mortuary that had just burned a little cinnamon as if to attempt to cover up the fact that everyone there was either dead or dying.

"Hi." I started lamely. "I'm Stephanie Plum." Her head jerked up at this as she gave me a pitying look. I guess she liked Vinnie as much as I did. "I'm here to see Vinnie. He's my cousin."

She sighed before giving me a toothy smile. "Are you sure you want to see him? I could probably help you out with whatever you need better than he can." She tilted her head. "I'm Connie by the way."

"It would be great if you could help me and I didn't have to see that turd today." I laughed taking a chance based on her previous reaction. I was rewarded with a full on beam from her. So far vampires were turning out to be more welcoming than my furry cousins. "My dad said Vinnie needed someone to do filing for him. I'm, ah, desperate."

Connie looked thoughtful for a moment. She was different than the elegant vampires I was used to seeing. Connie was, well, big. A full figured lady most definitely. She has shoulder length black hair that had been teased to the point of no return. There was no doubt about her Italian heritage. Mother would be so proud in Vinnie's choice of secretary provided she never knew about the blood sucking part. "I'm sorry sweetie. We just filled that job, I was trying to remember if we had any other possible jobs for you." She looked toward the closed door at the end of the lobby then back at me conspiratorially. "Just between you and me, that job was crappy anyway. Desperate doesn't cover wanting that job. Minimum wage and all day on you knees, how ridiculous. If you're going to get back to spend the day wrinkling clothes and hurting those little knobby knees of yours, you should at least find someone who would pay you better. Run while you still can honey. Once Vinnie gets his talons in you, there's no hope."

I wondered what she meant by that. There had to be a pretty good explanation for why someone, especially her type of someone, who clearly disliked Vinnie was still working here. I decided to break out the sob story that has become my life. Maybe she could think a little harder and let me know if any of her... friends were hiring. "My car just got repossessed. I got a new one that is a toaster on four wheels. I had to give up my freaking TV to get it. My mother might make me move in with her if my life keeps going with way." Uh, oh. I could feel a real tear start coming on. "I'd never get a turn in the bathroom."

Connie frowned then gave me the up and down, making me a little self conscious and a lot creeped out. She must have sensed my discomfort because when she met my eyes I got a 'don't be stupid' glare. I remembered her comment about my knees and felt myself flush a bit which drew her attention before she made whatever point had been necessary to catalogue my stellar bod. "Listen, I'm not sure if you're cut out for this, being the scrawny thing you are, but maybe you can convince Vinnie to let you do skip tracing. You'd make a lot of money if you're good at it"

Money? I could practically feel my ears perking. "Money would be nice. How much?"

I could tell Connie was hesitant of the idea of me chasing after a skip but I could also tell she was gunning for me. Maybe desperation is making me more personable. "You'd get ten percent of whatever the original bond was." Connie glanced at the closed door again. I breathed in and caught the faint smell of sour sweat and week old socks. Eau du Vinnie. He could probably hear us and just didn't want to visit.

Connie jerked open the top drawer of her desk with a grunt. It must be stuck pretty good if even her strength was tried by it. Then again, cavemen weren't the best wood workers known. Connie handed me a thick manila folder. "This one just skipped yesterday. He was a big one too, bail was one hundred grand. You'd get ten of that if you found him and delivered him to our boys in blue." She sat forward in her chair, anxious for me to make a decision. I hoped I wasn't about to become her entrainment.

My heart sped up at the thought of ten thousand dollars in my bank account. My nine dollars and thirty seven cents wouldn't be so lonely with all that cash. I must have looked like I was about to pass out because Connie was out of her chair faster than I could track then she was by my side. Her hands hovered near my elbow, ready to steady me should I collapse. I took a few deep breaths. "Thanks. I think I'm good now." I gave her a weak smile. "So, ten thousand... really? Vinnie didn't bail out a sociopath did he?" My definition of sociopath probably wouldn't match with hers, but I trusted her judgment on this based on her previous hesitance.

Connie had taken the opportunity while near me to try and make a better guess at what I was. She looked less curious and more frustrated this time. "Well, he's no Charlie Manson. You'd get paid the big bucks for this one because usually the more expensive the bail, the less they want to be dragged back. Sometimes skips can be a little aggressive and might shoot at you or pull a knife. But that's no big deal and doubt it happens all that much. We've kept all of our employees so far." If she was trying to make me feel sick again to cop another good sniff, it was working. "Umm, that one is local though so he shouldn't be too bad. Morty Beyers has even done some of the work already! It should be easy money for you."

I felt like I was missing something important from what she'd just told me. Whoa, whoa, whoa! "Morty Beyers? Why did he do some of the work? Why isn't he here? I thought you said no one has died yet."

She gave me a sly look at the dead comment and I rolled my eyes. "He's still with you living, no worries. He busted his appendix last night." I really hoped that wasn't a euphemism for shot in the gut. "He's at St. Francis enjoying a little vacation."

There wasn't much I could do but take her word that it actually was an unfortunate but natural accident as apposed to some heinous attack. Taking Beyers place and using all of the work he'd done and getting all of the money for it was a dream come true. Ten grand, how perfect would that be. It was the perfect amount to make me forget about the chances of getting shot or stabbed. I wasn't blessed with quick healing, so either of those would be a bitch and I was a total cry baby when I got hurt. A paper cut has been known to make me bawl.

"You could totally catch him." Connie was apparently giving me a pep talk while I was slowly deteriorating. "If it turns out that it's too hard, then the worst thing that could happen is you quit and lose out on the money."

Well that didn't sound too bad. I was really good at quitting when things got difficult. Tucking my tail between my legs was something I could do quite literally. Maybe this would be even easier for me now that I thought about it. Connie didn't know that I had an advantage to track people with, and I would happily play bloodhound and sniff out ten grand. Just try and stop me. "Morty Beyers, he didn't have any special traits that helped him find skips did he?"

Connie looked excited that I was admitting to my otherness and that she'd possibly gained another clue about me. "Beyer's only skills were hardheadedness and the inability to get rid of him. I bet if you put your nose to the grindstone, you could find him in no time." She winked at me while making her little inside joke. If Connie kept this up, she might just get a Christmas card from me if I had enough money to buy stamps by then.

"I'm in." I breathed out hoping that this isn't going to be another Stephanie grade disaster. A little disaster was okay, but I couldn't have another crazy one this year. "Where do I sign up?"

"You'll need the rat's authorization. I'll call him out of his hidey hole for you." She stood up and took a huge and most likely unnecessary breath. "Vinnie! Get out here!" Yikes, for the first time since I've been here she'd started looking a little vampirey.

We both heard a crash and Connie smirked at me. "I bet he either had his ear pressed up against the door hoping we were telling secrets about him, or we caught him at a bad time with either his hand or a girlie mag."

Vinnie scuttled out of his office looking flustered. I was glad his good looks had skipped over me. Vinnie was a middle aged bean pole covered in sewage. He had this boneless look about him that really complimented his skinny, overly tall frame if, say, one were into overgrown weasels. He liked his women easy, his men hung and his animals quacking.

Vinnie ran a hand over his slick backed hair as he eyed the two of us. Apparently family didn't get a friendly welcome.

"Stephanie wants to go after a skip to earn a little cash." Connie said slowly watching him as he shifted and fidgeted.

"No!" He cried out without any thought. Connie gave him an even darker look and I thought I saw a little silver flecking her brown eyes. "Wait, I mean it's too dangerous for her. Look at her, Connie." It was clear who wore the pants at Vincent Plum Bail Bond Bullcrap. "Steph has no background in any of our requirements. She's never been in security and, thank God, she hasn't been in law enforcement."

Vinnie was making up those rules so he wouldn't have to deal with me. Lies also have a special smell. If you're good with your nose like I am, you can smell that sickly sweet, rotting smell that comes with a lie. The only downside to that is when the people truly believe the lies they tell, the scent doesn't come. I'd relied on my sense of smell too heavily with my ex husband and been hurt.

"I'm a quick learner." I told him changing my body language to let him know I wasn't backing down. Hands on hips and legs braced, all ready for a verbal smack down.

Vinnie took a slight step back as he gave Connie a worried glance again. "Good for you. Learn about it then come back."

"I'm more of a hands on learner. I've never strangled anyone before but I bet I could learn quickly if I got my hands on you." Another step back.

"Steph... that's not gonna cut it. Threats are just going to piss me off."

I raised an eyebrow. I had an even better threat up my sleeve that I hadn't planned on using until now. If he wasn't going to cut his family any slack than I certainly wasn't. "I haven't talked to Lucille in a while. I was thinking about asking her to lunch this afternoon. Do you know if she's busy?"

Oh, gross. Pungent nervousness permeated the air. I was happy to know that had gotten to him but damn, he reeked. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Connie had stopped breathing.

Lucille had even worse luck than me, she was married to the stinker. She was also completely oblivious to all of his sexploits which were with anyone with two or four legs. I would never follow through on the threat of telling her, she was a kind lady and I didn't need to make living with Vinnie worse by humiliating her. Vinnie didn't need to know this though.

"Blackmail, Steph? I bail people out for games like that. You're gonna stoop that low to your own cousin?"

What a toad. Connie looked over at me, unimpressed as well. I wasn't sure why he even stayed with Lucille since she clearly wasn't man, dog or duck enough for him. He probably just kept her as a live in maid that he didn't need to pay. "I'm not playing any games Vinnie. I need the money. My parents even sent me here."

Vinnie sagged and ran a hand over his face in defeated. "Fine." To Connie he said, "Give her a civil case, something to keep her busy and learn the basics."

The idea of more money had me looking at Connie. I'd take on as many of these bad guys as it took to get my rent paid and a TV back in my living room. I slapped the folder in my hand against Vinnie chest and used it to push him back into the wall, getting into his face. "I want this one."

He took it from me blowing the air in his nose out at me. I crinkled my nose in disgusted but didn't back off. He opened the file and just as quickly snapped it shut. "No. I'm not joking on this one either Steph. You're a real crummy cousin but I like you enough to keep you away from this one. I shouldn't have bailed this guy. He was the from the burg and I felt some stupid familial duty to bail him out for his mother. It was stupid. He murdered someone and should have been left in jail."

Murder? Well it was singular at least. I'm sure it wasn't just some random killing. There was probably a good reason and he was sorry and he'd never do it again. "I don't need you looking out for me. I can do this." I was whining a little bit now and Connie jabbed me in the ribs.

"Give her a chance, Vinnie. She's better than you think." Her voice had taken on a different cadence. Was she pulling an aura on him? Vamps have this handy trick to catch their, uh, prey and keep them from tattling. Vampires can pull an aura and make weak minded people do just about anything they ask, even forget.

Vinnie shook his head then pinched the bridge of his nose in thought. "I-I don't think so. I give this to Steph and I'm guaranteeing myself to be out a hundred grand." Money spoke to Vinnie and he was bull headed about it. I guess Connie's slight aura hadn't been enough to pull him in. I didn't think she'd tried real hard though.

Connie sighed then huffed. "Oh, please. Stop being such a drama queen. It's not like it's your own money, it's the insurance company's. How can it possibly hurt to give Stephanie a try? It's not like you have anyone else out looking for him."

I was practically bouncing now. He had to give in. We'd shot down all his bogus reasons. Whispering would have been pointless with Connie in the room so I just blurted out a few last goodies for him to ponder. "I know you and Madam Zaretski had a play date a few weeks ago. She had all of her whips and chains out and everything. I know about your parade of men that you have streaming through your pants a few months back too." He was squirming now and I was beyond gleeful. "I also know a little thing about a certain duck you're fond of."

Vinnie bent over and rubbed his hands over his thighs. He looked like he was about to spew vomit. He deserved it too. Lucille would toss her cookies for sure if she knew she'd been sharing him with a duck.

"So are you going to sign me up for this or what?" I held my hand out for the file he'd put on the floor near his feet.

"Yeah, whatever." He mumbled, sulking. "Don't come crying to me when you end up in a ditch."

I opened the file and let out a crazy laugh. Oh, it was too perfect. It had been too long since I'd last seen him. Staring back at me was a mug shot of one Joseph Morelli. According to the attached article titled VICE COP KILLS UNARMED MAN, he'd shot someone. I knew this of course, from burg gossip and my mother. Everyone had assumed it was in the line of duty though. Murder was better though. Murder meant there was zero reason for me to ever feel guilty about hitting him with the Buick way back when.

Connie had been watching me flip through the information in the file. "You know him?"

"Oh, yeah." I gave her a cheerful smile then turned to her and said low enough to be missed by Vinnie, "I missed the brake when he was in the road a long time ago."

She smiled then held up her hand for a high five. Today was suddenly looking a lot brighter.

Quick and Dirty A/N: I hope you enjoyed. I don't know when you can expect a chapter two, probably within a week or so if not sooner. Feel free to make any suggestions or comments about what is posted so far and what could be. I have most of the story mapped out so far but am open to all ideas. The story will have lemoanade in later chapters, I promise. I have to say that I'm enjoying this a lot, and I definitely hope to continue with the Plum series in this genre.