malamoo's A/N: thank you for the reviews, 12 for a sham fic. that's like a record, right? =) This is our first true collaborative chapter, enjoy!
mxpw's A/N: Y'all should thank moo that she's here to hold my hand or else I'd be completely lost in a story like this. Anyway, I had a looooot of fun writing this chapter. But then it has one of my favorite characters so that was a given. Thanks to everyone who reviewed! This story may be dark and depressing for a while, but I promise it won't be that way always, no matter how much she bleats at me to let her write angst.
Chapter 2:
He says all the right things when he sees her off at the airport.
Be safe.
Call me when you get there.
I love you.
She mimes them back. I know. Of course. Me too.
But they are just words. Sarah realizes they are cut from the same cloth; emotions are things to be stored away, not polished and put out on display. They'll never be that couple kissing passionately in the middle of the street unless it's all an act.
People can't hurt you without leverage, and they can't have leverage if you never give anything away.
They kiss briefly before she goes through the gate and she thinks she'll miss him.
That's a good sign, right?
That means that she's made the right decision after all.
The realization makes her smile and Shaw smiles back.
"Call me when you touch down," he reminds.
"I thought you had a meeting this afternoon."
He doesn't seem fazed in the least. His expression remains the same as it's always been. "Call me," he says, and grips her shoulder for emphasis.
Sarah sighs quietly under her breath. "Fine."
Sarah sleeps better in economy class than she has in months.
No nightmares, no haunted memories. Just darkness and silence.
When she opens her eyes it all still feels like a dream. This morning she was still in DC with Shaw and now an ocean divides them.
A weight feels like it's been lifted off her chest but the relief is only temporary. It takes only a moment before the guilt descends.
As she's leaving the plane, one of the flight attendants touches her arm and asks if she's feeling alright.
She puts on a familiar mask and says the first thing that comes to mind.
"Never better."
Sarah knows she's not alone before she even opens the hotel room door. She sighs, swipes her key card and enters anyway.
"The least you could do is turn on the light," she says as she flicks the switch. The room becomes bathed in harsh fluorescent lighting but somehow her friend seems immune to its ill effects.
"Now where would the fun be in that?" the redhead quips, slinking out of the chair. Carina Miller appears immune to the effects of time as well, a fact that irks Sarah. It's just not fair.
Moving with feline grace, Carina stalks up to Sarah and smirks. "Miss me?" she asks.
Sarah smiles and she's relieved to give up the act. "Terribly."
She hugs her friend and is overcome by a sudden urge to burst into tears. She shakes her head. When did she become so emotional?
The hug ends too soon. Carina moves half a step back and takes on a scrutinizing stance, complete with that slight tilt of the hips and disapproving crossed arms. Sarah feels the redhead's eyes scan her body from head to toe and the final verdict isn't pleasant.
Carina frowns. "You look awful."
Sarah immediately bristles. The affection and comfort Carina's presence had brought dissipates, and it feels like all the air's been sucked out of the room.
"It was a long flight," she says and avoids Carina's glare.
Her friend is unconvinced. "Not that long."
Sarah turns around and walks further into the room, depositing her suitcase at the end of her bed and emptying the contents of her pockets onto the nightstand. "Why are you here?" she asks quietly. There's no need to delve into her poor personal appearance; it will only lead down unpleasant avenues.
Carina shrugs and waves her hand dismissively. "The same reason you are."
"No, I know that," Sarah says with just the slightest hint of annoyance. She's not in the mood to entertain her friend's cloying nature. "Why are you stationed here?"
Carina looks at her sharply. Try as Sarah might, she can't help the suspicious nature of her question. It's simply too big a coincidence that Carina has chosen Rome for her base of operations.
"Oh, that," Carina says. The redhead glides back to her chair and sits down. She purses her lips and stares at Sarah steadily. "I believe you already know the answer to that question."
Sarah says nothing and it's probably better that way. What is there left to say?
It was a part of her life that she'd put behind her. That door had closed; it was over and done with. And yet, in the midst of all her denials, the question slips free.
"How is he?" She grimaces as soon as she realizes what she's done. If she knows Carina (and she does), then she has just dumped chum in the water.
Carina gives her a thin smile and says, "Oh Casey? Casey's doing great. I'll be sure to let him know you asked about him."
Sarah closes her eyes in frustration. She should have known better, she really should have. Now that the genie is out of the bottle, Carina is going to make her work for it.
Just let it go!
If only it were that easy. This isn't the first time the voice in her head's screamed at her and it's certainly not going to be the last.
Just forget it. Move on. Don't think about it anymore.
As with all things, it sounds easier in theory than it does in practice. And maybe, just maybe, the awful truth is that she doesn't want to.
"Carina, just tell me."
She still can't say his name out loud.
"To be honest, I'm not even sure why you care." Carina speaks rather flippantly but there is an underlying edge to her tone that makes Sarah stand a little straighter.
"What is that supposed to mean?"
Carina ignores the question. "Are you still with that log?"
"Daniel isn't a log."
Carina raises one perfectly sculpted eyebrow and snorts. "That dinner we had last time I was in DC was the most boring night of my life and I spend most of my days filling out quarterly expense reports for the Ambassador and his staff." She shakes her head. "I don't know how you can stand it. I'd rather stab myself in the ear with a letter opener than go on a second dinner date."
Sarah blanches at the mental image and tries to occupy her mind with something slightly more pleasant, like unpacking her suitcase. She turns around and begins to put away her things.
"Daniel is a man of few words," she reminds as a last resort. "That's just how he is, Carina."
Carina bursts out in laughter and Sarah clenches the shirts in her hand. "God, I can only imagine what the sex between you is like. Tell me, do you even manage to stay awake for most of it, however brief it might be?"
Sarah's face flushes with anger and humiliation but she tries to hide it in her work. "I'm not discussing my sex life with you, Carina."
"You do fuck him, don't you?" Carina asks. "I'd hate to think you abandoned Chuckles and you weren't even getting laid out of the deal."
The socks in Sarah's hand fall to the ground unnoticed. She can take the jabs about Shaw, she can take the jabs about her appearance but this is one thing she's not going to let Carina get away with.
She turns on her friend and feels sorely tempted to pelt her with the first hard object she can dig out of her suitcase.
"I didn't abandon him!" she snarls.
The attack only makes Carina smirk. "Huh, so there is still some life in you, after all," she says. "I was starting to wonder if you had the same stick up your ass that your boyfriend does."
Carina rises to her feet and shakes her head. "Seriously, I have no idea what you see in him. Sure he looks good but he's just so…boring." Carina's face sours, like she's just bitten into a lemon.
Sarah's phone suddenly vibrates on the nightstand as if he somehow knew, even from thousands of miles away, that they were talking about him. Early in their relationship, she was almost positive that Shaw had bugged her somehow, but that paranoia has faded over time. Still…
"Aren't you going to get that?" Carina asks when Sarah doesn't even look in its general direction.
"Sarah?"
Sarah sighs and knows she might as well get this over with. She leaves her suitcase and walks over, picks up the phone and turns her back to her friend. It doesn't make a bit of difference, but she figures at least then she won't have to face the firing squad from both fronts.
"Hello?"
"Where are you? You were supposed to call when the plane landed."
Sarah rubs her temples. "I'm sorry. I forgot. I didn't want to wake you."
Shaw is obsessive when it comes to semantics. "You forgot or you didn't want to wake me?"
Sarah bites her tongue. "I'm sorry," she says again, trying not to sound pathetic and failing.
He grunts, meaning this isn't going to be brushed under the rug anytime soon. "Where are you now?"
"I'm in my hotel room."
"Are you alone?" The tone seems to indicate anything but.
His doubt almost makes Sarah want to snap some kind of caustic remark. Did he think so little of her that he already expected her to be spreading her legs for the first man she ran into?
Sarah holds her tongue though. There's no point starting a cross-continental argument and frankly she doesn't have the energy for it. It's not worth it.
"Yes." Sarah turns around and gives a pleading look to Carina. She's not sure what she's pleading for: understanding, some way out of phone call, help? To Carina's credit, she hasn't made a sound since Sarah picked up the phone, but the displeasure is obvious on her face.
Shaw grunts.
"It was a long flight and I'm very tired. I'll call you later?"
He accepts all her lies and excuses and Sarah quickly ends the call before Carina decides to make mischief. Unfortunately, that doesn't preclude the inevitable conversation they're about to have.
"That's who you left Chuck for?" The disbelief on Carina's face makes a pit form in Sarah's stomach. She feels the first signs of a migraine; what she needs now are a couple aspirin and a couple shots of whiskey. She just woke from a ten hour flight and all she wants to do is sleep again.
"For the last time, I didn't leave Chuck." Sarah quickly throws the rest of her things into the hotel dresser.
He made his decision; she made hers. Sarah massages her temples.
"That's not the way he tells it."
Sarah grits her teeth. Whose side was she on anyway?
"Did you consider maybe he was lying?"
Carina boggles at her and laughs in disbelief. "You're accusing Chuck—Chuck Bartowski—of being a liar?"
Sarah shrugs. "He's a spy now, isn't he?"
"Chuck is no spy." Carina fiddles with the hem of her shirt, her eyes on the floor. "I mean, not really. Not like us."
"What does that mean?"
"You'd know that if you bothered to give him half a chance."
"He changed," Sarah says. Simple as that. She can doubt everything else in her life but this was one absolute truth she's depended on.
After all, if she was wrong and Chuck was still Chuck, the Chuck she had fallen for, wouldn't that mean she's just wasted the last nine months of her life? That she had betrayed them, given up on them? Sarah shakes her head. She refuses to believe she could have made a mistake. She'd seen him kill with her very own eyes. And even when she confronted him about it, he'd never denied it.
No.
She made the right decision.
Carina is still sceptical. "He seems like the same nerd to me."
"He's not."
"What did he do?"
"He never told you?" Now this was a surprise.
Carina shrugs her shoulders and sits down on the bed. "Not really, no. All he'll say is that he screwed up and you left."
Sarah sits down beside Carina. Her response was unexpected and she feels an oppressing weight settling on her chest. It was just like the old Chuck to take all the blame and assign her none.
A warm hand lands on her shoulder and squeezes gently. "It's okay, Sarah, you can tell me."
Sarah takes a deep breath. "He killed somebody," she whispers.
The room grows quiet for several seconds, before it's disrupted by the ringing laughter of the redhead sitting beside her. "Come on, Sarah," Carina says with a laugh. "Be serious. I really want to know."
Carina stares at her, waiting, and with every second of her friend's mocking gaze, Sarah feels the resentment begin to grow. She contemplates all the different ways she can make that judgemental smirk disappear. How dare she laugh? The night of Chuck's Red Test was one of the worst moments of her life.
"Oh my God, you're serious," Carina says. She feels the bed shift as her friend stands up. "That's why you left him?"
Sarah shakes her head, refusing to look up at her friend. She won't give her the satisfaction of seeing her plead for the conversation to stop. "You don't understand."
Carina clucks her tongue in obvious disapproval. "You're right, I don't. You know why? Because it's completely insane!"
"Shut up."
Sarah looks up now, eyes blazing. She doesn't have to take this, least of all from somebody like Carina.
"Shut up," she growls.
Carina seems completely unfazed by her growing anger. If anything, her anger simply spurs Carina on further. "Christ, Sarah, of all the hypocritical…" Carina trails off before refocusing. "You do realize that you're dating somebody who's killed more people than I've fucked, right?"
Sarah stands up and squares off against Carina. She hasn't come all the way to Rome just so she can be berated in her own hotel room by her only friend. She knows she doesn't owe Carina or anyone else an explanation for her actions, but she can't help snapping back.
"It's not the same. Chuck was different! He was better."
"He's a man, not a doll you can break out of its box and play with whenever your daddy issues start acting up."
Sarah slaps her before the words even die in her ears. Carina flinches but doesn't back away or retaliate. In fact, it's her friend's reticence to strike back that extinguishes Sarah's anger almost immediately.
She's never struck her friend and really meant it before.
"I'm sorry. That was a little uncalled for." Sarah takes a deep breath. "Just…shut up. Please," she pleads.
"Fine." Carina's face is red, the mark left by her hand livid and accusing. "I need to get going anyway."
Sarah sucks in a huge lungful of air and tries to smile. Despite everything Carina was her only friend; she didn't want things to end on a sour note.
"Hot date?" she teases. She tries to laugh, to lighten the oppressing atmosphere of the room, but Carina's brisk manner makes her nervous. She can't lose her only friend.
"Actually, yeah," Carina says. "Chuck is expecting me."
Sarah freezes and everything follows. She stops moving, stops thinking, even breathing. Everything.
Carina wouldn't.
She knows that Carina likes taking what she wants, that there's always been a push and pull to their relationship, a constant antagonism that always leaves her somewhat dreading their next meeting, but not even Carina would stoop this low.
"What the hell does that mean?" she asks in a low tone. The meaning is clear; enough with the jokes.
"What do you think? We're sleeping together." Carina shrugs her shoulders and looks like she had just said that the weather was nice.
The smug smile, the flippant words, it's more than Sarah can take. She acts without thinking and the punch sends Carina tumbling to the floor.
No one is more surprised than Sarah. She stares at the offending limb and wishes she can take back the last five seconds.
"I'm sorry," she says again, even though she's not really. She's apologetic to see Carina bloodied but she'd been asking for it.
Carina winces and gingerly probes her jaw with a slender finger. Her tongue darts out and licks the blood off her lips and she looks up at Sarah with stormy gray eyes. Sarah recognizes that look, knows that Carina desperately wants to attack—
Do it. I deserve it.
Sarah wouldn't even defend herself; she has it coming. But Carina doesn't. Instead, she looks up at her and smirks. "Honestly, what did you expect? That he would stay alone and wait forever while you have your fun with Mr. Log?" Carina climbs to her feet and adjusts her clothing. "He needed comforting and I was more than willing to help."
Sarah's mind is a jumbled mess. She has no right to feel the way she does but she can't remember ever feeling so betrayed. Carina knew how she felt about Chuck; she knew what he meant to her.
"I can't believe that you would do this to me," Sarah says quietly. Trying to keep herself together is a losing battle and now the tears have marched to the forefront.
Carina glares sharply at her. "I did nothing to you," she reminds. "You made your decision. I really have no idea why you're taking things so badly. You've got Shaw now and I've got Chuck. Everyone gets what they want." Carina walks to the door and opens it. Before she leaves, she looks over her shoulder and says, "I should probably thank you. Chuck is amazing. He's not too shabby out of bed either."
The words are like poison and the barbs dig deep; Sarah feels absolutely ill.
"Friends?" Carina sends her one last smug look before she's out the door. Of course they're still friends; as upset as Sarah is now, she'd rather have one friend than none. Just as she would rather stay with someone, anyone, than spend the rest of her life alone.
Sarah sits alone at the end of her bed and stares at the floor. She has no idea what to think. She's not even sure why she cares. Carina's right. He made a choice and then she made hers.
Sarah lost a colleague about three months back in Managua. He was a good man. She got into a fight with Shaw when she wanted to cancel their vacation plans so she could attend the funeral. It was fair, she supposed, she hadn't known him all that well and the man had his own family.
Shaw was right. She was just an outsider. His family didn't even know what he really did for a living.
She didn't cry, not really. Not when she discovered his cold, stiff body in the abandoned warehouse; not when she made the detached phone call back to DC, not even when Shaw saw her emotional reaction to his death as unbecoming of an agent.
She didn't cry when he forgot her birthday a month later; even though he's the only one who knows when it really is. Birthdays were immaterial, she knew, irrelevant. They're only reminders of a past life better left forgotten.
She didn't cry when she got the note about the law catching up with her father. At least Shaw had cared enough to let her know. That had to mean something, right?
She doesn't even allow herself tears all those nights in DC when she's alone but not really alone.
But Sarah cries now.