Chapter 18

I opened my eyes but didn't move right away. I was still in Eric's arms, but this time, I was someplace hushed and very dark. Eric was having down time, and he stared out, completely motionless. In the absence of light, I marveled that I could see better than I could ever see before. I studied his features, the tiny hairs on his chin, the strong set of his jaw, his ice blue eyes.

I blinked, and he realized that I was awake because very slowly, as I've seen with praying mantises, he turned his head and re-animated. It was both scary and amazing. I didn't want to think beyond this moment because I could tell by the look in his eyes that something was not right.

I suddenly remembered the smell. It was disinfectant, and death and blood and fear, and relief and happiness. A hospital is overwhelming to those sensitive to emotions carried by scent.

"He's gone. Isn't he?" I said it out loud more to myself than to Eric. I could make out Jason's body on the bed in front of us. I reached out with my mind and sensed nothing. I tried to stand. My legs tingled and shook. The curtains were drawn, and the sheet was pulled up over his head. Eric was beside me then. He slid his arm around my waist and held me to him. I looked up at him, and he nodded. He was telling me without words that it was okay to look because I didn't have the courage to do it.

I pulled the sheet back slowly, afraid that he would sit up and scare me, but afraid that he wouldn't. I took Jason's cold hand and rubbed it between mine trying to heat him up. I had seen Eric like this not long ago and it was hard to breathe. I stared at his beautiful face. The nurses had washed him, and combed his hair, but he was a shell. I kissed his cheek and smelled something strange about his body. I sniffed lightly, but Eric noticed.

"That is what it smells like, death. It is not as unpleasant as humans think."

"This should be me, not him."

"What good would that serve?"

"He was innocent."

"No one is innocent, Sookie."

"He didn't deserve to die like this."

I remembered standing at the graveside of my Gran. I'd stared at the lowering device, and couldn't imagine being in a box, lowered into the earth with the weight of all of humanity pressing down on you. With those you love and who love you weeping precious, wasted tears into the grass. I felt my heart swell, and I couldn't contain the sob that tore from my throat. I bent over him and screamed into his shoulder. I screamed for his lost beauty, for my brother, for myself. I screamed until I felt myself pressed into Eric's chest. He pulled me into his arms, and crushed me to him. I felt my knees give way, and he fell to the floor with me.

"Eric, I need to get out of here. Take me out of here, please."

" We're going, right now, love." He lifted me to my feet and led me to the door. I turned back to see Jason once more. I swore to him that I would find Quinn and kill him. I promised him that I would do it myself, for justice….for Jason.

We went out into the hall. My screaming must have attracted attention because a nurse was waiting for us in the hall. She had pamphlets about grief counseling clutched to her chest. She was staring at Eric with a horrified look on her face. I realized that he had two drying streaks of blood on his cheeks. I yelled at her to mind her own goddamned business and she threw the pamphlets onto the floor at my feet. Eric led me into the women's room and lifted me up onto the counter.

He took a paper towel from the dispenser and wet it. I didn't care if he had dried blood on his cheeks, but he wiped my face. As he pulled the paper towel away, I noticed that the towel came away pink. I turned to see myself in the mirror and saw that my eyes were red lined and bloodshot. I gasped and turned back to look at him. He brushed my hair back, and kissed the tip of my nose. I looked down at the tiled floor as he washed his own face. I hated that we were made to feel ashamed of what we were to each other around these humans, because as disapproving as vampires were about mixed marriages, Southern humans were ten times worse. Being a fang-banger was one thing; being married to one was unacceptable.

As we approached the exit, I saw a sign that said chapel. I looked up at Eric, and again he silently communicated that he was following my lead. I pushed the heavy door open and saw thirty or so candles flickering on risers. There was a man kneeling to the right of the candles, and a young couple crossing themselves on the left. Eric stood in the doorway a moment. I had a fleeting thought that he had probably not been in a church in some time. I walked slowly up to the altar and clasped my hands. Eric approached the altar and dropped several bills into the offering. He lit two candles as I prayed silently. When he blew the match out. I took his hand and kissed it. He held me as I prayed for Jason.

I felt a timid mind approaching us and Eric and I both turned. A security officer accompanied the hospital chaplain. I caught a snatch of what he was thinking, but was confused.

"Is something wrong?" I thought for a split second that he was coming to tell me that there had been some kind of misunderstanding, that Jason was not dead after all.

"You two cannot be in here. I'm going to have to ask you to go. I hope that you won't make any trouble." The chaplain stared at Eric as he said this. Eric smirked and I stepped towards him.

"Are you serious? My brother just died, and I want to say a prayer for him and you're going to ask us to leave because of what? Because the man that I love is a vampire?"

"He is an unrepentant murderer who feeds on the destruction of others. And from the looks of it, so are you. We have had to tolerate a lot from you creatures the last few years, but we will not have you defiling our church with your unholy filth."

Eric stepped into his face and I pulled Eric away from him. The security guard was reaching for his radio and Eric took it from him and smashed it against the wall.

"Your Christianity teaches tolerance, yet you are the least tolerant of all the humans. You would turn away a young woman who has lost her remaining relative to ease your own discomfort. You misbegotten son of a whore." Eric pulled at me to leave, but I went back to the offering and took Eric's money back. I pushed past him and Eric and I strode through the lobby and out the front door.

"Welcome back to America, Sookie." Eric couldn't hide the bitterness in his voice and I shook my head. A young woman ran out the door towards us, and Eric's fangs ran out. I reached up to feel my teeth, as I'd felt an urgent pressure in my mouth as we were talking to the chaplain. My teeth were not quite fangs, but to the average human, I was something to be feared.

She held her hands up, defensively and I relaxed a little. Eric, however, was still on alert. She seemed to be agitating him, and I watched him back away from her.

"Hi, I'm Allison. Allison Humphrey. I'm sorry to bother you, I know this isn't a good time for you, but I work here and I saw what happened. I wanted to give you some information. I'm sorry about Father Franklin, he's old, and not everyone here feels that way." She wound her hands in the folds of her skirt and I could hear that she was trying to say everything in a rush just to get everything out. Eric was frightening her.

"We're the Northmans. This is Eric, I'm Sookie." I was still getting used to my new name, but it came out confidently and smoothly.

"There is a church about half a block down that caters to vampires, and companions. It's in a brick building at 400 West Mayfield. I'm so sorry for your loss."

I nodded, "Thank you, Allison." I shook her hand and she regarded me as if she found me fascinating. I assumed that the glow that I'd always attributed to vampires was becoming more pronounced in me as well. She smiled and patted my arm.

Eric called Bobby as we approached a taxi at a stand near the hospital doors. As I slept on the airplane, the hospital had called and informed Eric that Jason had died at 10:27 pm local time. We'd landed around 1 am and it was now 4:54. Eric had sent Bobby back to Ravenwood with our bags and asked him to make sure that arrangements were made for Jason and that I was not to be disturbed.

I sat in the back of the taxi staring out at the streetlights. I had imagined that my return to Louisiana would be joyous, and that I would rush home and wake Jason to show him the wonderful gifts that I'd purchased for him in Paris. Fresh tears sprang to my eyes, and Eric handed me a tissue. The taxi driver made eye contact with me in the rearview mirror then. He thought that I was a pretty girl, that Eric was lucky. That it was too bad that I'd lost my brother. That it was a shame when young people died. That it was the way life was. That it was almost daybreak. That it was near breakfast time. That he would have a cinnamon roll. That he had a coupon for a coffee to go with it. That he needed to lose weight. That April was after him about his weight. That April had reminded him to stop for toilet paper on the way home. I'd let myself slip into his mind and let go, it was easier than keeping myself shielded.

Eric sensed that I'd retreated into myself or some other place, and he tilted my head to face him. "Stay with me, Sookie." I was confused.

"What do you mean?"

"The grief. It's a form of madness. I mean for you to stay with me, don't give in to it."

I nodded and focused on our clasped hands. His fingers were long and his nails were shiny. I looked at my own tiny hand. He turned my hand over and traced the lines on my palm. He kissed my palm and I smiled at him. I suddenly realized all the people that I would need to contact to let them know that Jason had….

"Baby, does Pam know?" It had occurred to me that Pam and Jason had been on a few dates and they seemed to be hitting it off. I didn't know if Eric had called her while I was sleeping.

"She was with him when he passed. I didn't want to upset you that we weren't able to get home in time."

"I'm just glad he was with someone who cared about him. I didn't want him to die alone."

"No, Bobby contacted Pam as soon as she woke for the evening and she rushed to St. Boniface. He did not die alone. She said that he was very peaceful and quiet and that she held his hand and stroked his head as she would expect that you would have done."

Every time I thought I had Pam figured out, she would surprise me with something so human. But I would not have been surprised to find that Eric had ordered her to.

We pulled up to the house, and the taxi driver let out a low whistle. Eric paid him, and from the way that he said thank you, Eric must have tipped him handsomely. I stepped out of the taxi and stared up at our home. It had been over a month since we'd been here and the flowers that had been simple buds in early May were stately blossoms. Jason would never get to see these again.

Eric and I walked up the stairs and into the house. I had never been so glad to take off my shoes as I was at that moment. I realized that I'd last showered in France. We went up the stairs, and Eric followed me into the bathroom as I showered and brushed my teeth. I looked at my canine teeth in the mirror, and wondered about what other changes I could expect. I yawned, and Eric led me to our bed. Our room was darker than it should be for dawn and I noticed that the windows were covered.

"You had the windows done like at Meshra's and the hospital."

"I can stay in bed with you now, instead of my sleeping space."

"Why didn't you have the windows done before?"

"Because I was vulnerable to anyone who would break in or worse. With you here, I am safe."

"You trust me that much?"

"And more." He slid pajama pants on and climbed into bed. I slid in, naked beside him and he looked at me.

"I need you tonight, Eric. I need to know that I'm still alive, and that it's all going to be okay."

"I understand better than you know."

I rolled over and had my way with him. Eric sensed my urgent need, and rolled me over. As I reached my climax, I sank my new fangs into Eric's shoulder and drank deeply. He shuddered as he came.

"Sookie, you have to stop. That's enough, lover."

I continued drinking, not caring if I died, wanting to die. His blood was so sweet. I felt myself drifting into a blissful state. I felt myself shimmering from my soul and out to the hairs on my skin. I felt my insides vibrating, as if I was an electrical being. It was as if I'd put my finger in a socket. I heard myself moaning and I pulled harder, trying to get more of his blood into me. The more I swallowed, the more I vibrated. I felt myself coming again, and I clutched at his back. Eric tried to fend me off, but I held on.

"Sookie, enough. That's enough." He pulled himself off of me and held me down. "I said, STOP."

"Eric, I'm sorry. I don't know what happened. I couldn't stop. I couldn't stop. I'm sorry." He got up and took his phone out of his pants pocket. He pressed the number 4 on his phone and waited. Four was Marius's speed dial.

I was so ashamed that I ran to the bathroom and locked the door. I heard Eric telling Marius's voicemail that I was turning, and that it was happening fast. I didn't want to be turned. I had told Eric that I didn't want to be turned, but it wasn't his fault that I had come this far.

I thought about Jason, who would be in the ground within days. I didn't want to be in the ground, and I didn't want to have to murder people just to live. I heard Eric in the next room.

"Meshra, it's me. I need your help, Sookie is turning and it's happening fast. I know that you told her that I couldn't turn her by myself, but something is not right. I don't know what to do for her. She doesn't want to be turned, but she's pretty far gone. Please call me when you get this message. I love you, bye." He knocked on the bathroom door, but I didn't answer it. "Sookie, I wasn't mad. I was trying to get your attention. I know you couldn't help yourself, Angel. That's what it is like for us. Do not be angry with yourself. Please let me in, I have to sleep soon and I want to hold you."

I unlocked the door and we sat on the bed together.

"Sookie, you may have to decide sooner, rather than later whether or not you want to be a vampire. You may have already crossed a line that we can't get you back from. I would hate to see you stuck in between. I'm not trying to pressure you, but it's becoming impossible for you to make a rational decision. I'm going to have to intervene for you. You have never expressed to me that you want to be turned. You have only told me that you do not wish to be turned. I'm going to honor your request." He was resolute, but I was mortified. I couldn't believe the surge that had come over me. I had never been so compelled in my life. "I will think about it, but for now, maybe we should hold off on sex."

"God, I was afraid it would come to that." He went into our dressing room and came out with a nightgown, a pill and a glass of water. "Here, lover. Why don't you get some sleep?"

I took the pill from him and the glass of water. I put it on my tongue and pretended to swallow. When he began drawing the draperies to close us in our bed, I slipped the pill behind the headboard and onto the floor. I drank the whole glass of water, ensuring that I would have to get up to pee before he would wake for the evening. I slipped my nightgown on and pulled the blankets up. Eric climbed in beside me. I was going to find out who did this to Jason if it killed me.

"Are you all right?" He looked down at me, and I could feel him scanning me emotionally; it was a soft buzzing in my head. The buzzing was new, as a result of Meshra's blood. I'd traded a bit of emotional privacy to save his life. It seemed like a small thing at first that might be a liability if I ever wanted to hide anything from him.

"I'm as all right as I can be given the fact that my brother was murdered by my ex-boyfriend."

"You are extremely agitated suddenly. What's going on, Sookie?"

"Nothing, Eric. Let's just get to bed." I snuggled down into the sheets as if I was really settling in. I worked on slowing my breathing so that he would not realize that I had no intention of going to bed. He was eyeing me cautiously and I smiled as sweetly as I could. I didn't have to pretend to seem hurt, I was aching inside, but I had to get away from him if I was going to find Quinn.

"Sookie, have you ever lied to me?" He was suddenly suspicious and I wondered what I was doing that was triggering it.

"Not intentionally." I had fudged things a few times, as anyone had, but I hadn't ever flat out lied to him that I could recall.

"I feel as if there is something going on with you that I would be upset to hear and that you are keeping it from me."

"No, Love, go on to sleep. I'm going to sleep." I yawned for effect, but he didn't seem to be buying it for a minute.

"Sookie, now, you've got me worried." He sat up and I closed my eyes as if I could hardly keep them open. "I'm serious here. What are you doing?"

"Eric, honey, I'm going to bed. Why are you being like this. Go on to bed. I'll hold you." I didn't know what I was doing that was causing him to be so suspicious, but I had to wait him out. He would fall asleep any minute and I could slip out of the bed and find Quinn. I would relish making him suffer for what he'd done to Eric and now Jason.

"Sookie, you are in turmoil and it has nothing to do with Jason. I can feel it. You are plotting something. Are you waiting for me to fall asleep so that you can sneak off?"

I tried to express shock that he would suggest such a thing, but I'm not sure my facial expression matched what I was saying. He laid on top of me and held me down.

"Angel, are you going off on your own to find Quinn? Is that what you're doing?"

"Eric, I need to sleep, you said so yourself and whatever you gave me is kicking in, so just lie down and relax."

"You're being evasive." I felt his grip on me loosen and I was able to get him on his back. "Please, Sookie. Don't go after him alone. I mean it. You don't know your own strength, I really had to fight you to get you off of me. You are dangerous right now and you may kill someone without meaning to. I don't want to wake up and find that you're gone. I will be so angry with you."

"Eric, you rest. You're exhausted. You've been up longer than you should have already. Rest baby." I rubbed his head and kissed him softly. If I kept it up, he'd be asleep within minutes.

"Please don't do this, Please?" I could tell that he was fighting sleep. His eyes began to close and he was struggling to see me. "Sookie….if you love me….don't go, I can't protect you…. You're a danger to yourself…Stay with me….Let me catch Quinn…Sookie?"

"Eric, I'm sorry. I have to do this. I love you so much." I kissed his cheeks and stared at him for a minute longer. I didn't know when I'd see him again, Quinn could be hiding anywhere.

"Don't….leave….me…."

I looked down at him and knew that he was completely asleep. I remembered having to wake him at the hotel in Rhodes, and how much trouble I'd had. There was no way that he'd be able to rouse now, not after having flown through what should have been a sleep cycle. The time zones had screwed us both up, but thank God vampires required rest just like humans. He would sleep much later than 5:30 and I would have time to get somewhere where I could set up a base to work from.

I couldn't leave him exposed on the bed. I pulled the access door down on the panel under our bed. Even with his blood, I would have a bit of a struggle to get his two-hundred plus pounds off the bed and under it. I slid his feet down to the floor, leaving his torso on the bed. I giggled to myself thinking of the game we would play at school, "Light as a feather, stiff as a board." I said it out loud, and pulled the blankets off our bed as I pulled him. I cradled his head as I lowered the top half of his body onto the floor.

I couldn't just roll him into his sleeping space, there was a drop. I admonished myself for not planning this better. I laid on top of him and rolled over to his left to get into his sleeping space. Once I was down in his nook, I had limited range of motion, so I had to work in tiny movements. I pulled his shoulders towards me to get him inside; it was like pulling a tank. I groaned and pushed against the wall with my feet to gain some leverage. I felt him slide towards me, and once he was on the edge of the slight drop, I used gravity to help get his upper body inside. If someone had been standing in our room, it would look as if our bed was swallowing him up.

I collapsed under his weight and struggled to catch my breath. It would have been so easy to give up and just stay there under him until he woke up and yelled at me. But I had work to do and a limited amount of time to do it. I got a burst of energy thinking about plucking Quinn's other eye right before I shot him. Or maybe I would stab him up close and personal. I gave Eric another sharp tug and at last, I had his legs inside. I was covered in sweat, and I felt my hair sticking to my forehead. I tried to arrange him into a comfortable sleeping position and I put a pillow under his head. I kissed his stone lips and whispered that I loved him again.

"Don't….leave-----"

I rolled over him, as there was no space for me to get by. I felt his hand grab my nightgown as I tried to scoot towards the little step up. I slid out of it and emerged from under our bed naked. I was glad that no one had witnessed the strange events that occurred in our bedroom that morning. I shut the door to his sleeping space and ran for the shower. I scrubbed, rinsed and dried myself in ten minutes. I needed to find Quinn and the only place I knew to start was with his boss, Félipe de Castro.