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APOV
"Miss?" The officer asked as he knelt before me.
This couldn't be happening....
I couldn't handle it...
Emmy-Bear...
"Miss Alice Brandon?" He then questioned, I could only nod. "I'm Sergeant Alan Cartwright, I have your name recorded as the next of kin in regards of Lieutenant Emmett McCarty. I'm awfully sorry to be the barer of the news, but Lieutenant McCarty has been injured. He is currently residing at Jefferson Memorial Hospital at his army barracks; I'm here to escort you to the airport, Miss Brandon." I could hear his voice, sounding distant and yet close at the same time, and I couldn't quite place it.
My throat was constricting on its own accord and my pulse continued to race at an unnatural speed hammering in my chest. I jumped as I saw a hand reach out towards me and looked up with blurred vision at the man before me; the officer, only to realize that I'd crumpled to the ground.
His manner was calm and professional making me think for just a moment that he was a respected and high member of the army. I tried to do as he said, knowing I'd need to get my breathing in order because I was getting dizzy, I sucked in a deep breath, but it unsteadied me, I felt a strong pair of arms catch me before I fell any further. He stood up, setting me on my feet with him and kept his hands on my upper arms holding me upright.
"This can't be happening..."
I tried not to let my mind wander of the images I'd seen too many times on the news; the flag draped over the coffins, wives and children and parents holding onto the dog tags of their lost loves, and the sheer pain that was shown on every single person's face, which I knew now included mine.
"Miss Brandon, you need to try and calm down" Sergeant Cartwright said understandingly.
"No!" I yelled at him as I pulled myself free of his grasp. "I don't need to calm down! What the hell do I have to calm about!?You tell me the most important person in my life has been injured while he was part of the most atrocious situations, all because some people find it impossible to just talk things through. You're part of it, part of the fighting and killing; so you of all people have no bloody right to tell me to be calm!" I yelled through my tears pacing around the small space of the hall. And then turned away from him, leaning on the wall to steady myself as I let my pain flow freely.
"Miss Brandon, I know you're upset, but we really should be leaving as soon as possible." He said carefully, bringing me from the images of my darkest thoughts and nightmares. I looked up at him through my tears and just watched his expression. He looked understanding, and I wondered how many families he'd had to visit to deliver the bad news, I wondered how he slept at night, being the barer of such bad news, time and time again, I knew it was something I could never do; I wasn't strong enough, I wasn't strong enough for any of this.
"Would you be able to leave tonight?" He asked once I'd set myself upright again, still clutching my mid-section against the pain. I just nodded not sure how my voice would hold out.
"I'm taking it that as you were Private McCarty's only listed next of kin that he wouldn't want his parents to be contacted?"
"Our parents are dead. It's just us." I told him, my voice no more than a whisper. He nodded and then continued.
I could hear the officer talking about all the details for tonight, and things like compensation and leave and whatnot, but my mind wouldn't let me process any of it. I'd never let Emmett go in to much detail about what the proceedings would be, if anything were to happen to him. And knowing how it would affect me, he'd never pushed the subject any further than telling me he trusted the army would take care of things no matter what the situation was.
Part of me was just clinging to the hope that nothing more would happen to my brother. Part of me was ecstatic, that no matter what the circumstances, I'd get to see my Emmy-Bear. But, the bigger part of me would not rest until I knew he was perfectly okay.
The sergeant sent to me to pack some things, but the whole time I was in robot mode, I tried to clear myself of all emotion, not that it worked, but I tried. Within twenty minutes we were moving along the night in a dark official looking car with tinted windows and my mind was going insane.
The flight was a living nightmare. Every time I closed my eyes to tried and tune out the things my mind was playing out in front of my eyes, I'd see Emmett's eyes as if he were smiling, but then they'd turn dark and all the life would seep from them, then as soon as the image had come it would disappear, and I'd have to start all over again on regulating my breathing and to calm my erratic heart.
One thing I was glad for on the flight was that I at least felt as if I had some space. The plane wasn't all that full and I had the row to myself, well to myself and my terrifying thoughts.
Every breath I took was shaky and it felt as if my body was trying to prepare me, that if the worst happened it knew I wouldn't be able to hold on; to keep living without him.
As the tires hit concrete a new wave of nerves hit me. As I was met by another officer at the entrance I was hit by another wave of longing, and as I entered the tall dark building that held so much sadness and death I was hit with another wave of nausea. I had to make a quick dash to the bathroom near the reception and just stood looking at my pale self in the mirror for a few minutes as my vague eyes stared back at me, and the cold droplets of the water I'd splashed on my face dripped back into the porcelain bowl.
When I headed back out, I gave the officer a weak smile and silently praised the army's professionalism. He didn't rush me, just waited until I gave him a nod and we set off towards the row of elevators. By the time the doors opened I could taste blood as I worried my lip in between my teeth.
Walking through the maze of bright lights and pastel coloured walls was one of the hardest things I'd ever had to do. My mind and heart were racing the whole time. My mind spiralling all these atrocious images at me, my heart beating so fast it was worrying.
I wasn't paying all that much attention to my surrounding, and as the soldier who was walking in front of me stopped, I almost walked straight into the back of him. I peered around him to see he'd stopped outside a door.
"Lieutenant McCarty's room, Miss." He told me in a broken accent. I nodded and mumbled a thank you before he nodded at me and walked away. I took a deep breath and then lifted my hand towards the door handle.
My whole body was shaking, especially my hands, so much so, that I had to lower it again. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to banish every possible bad thought from my mind, just long enough to will my self to at least the get the door open. Because, in honesty, I knew I had to go inside. It was like a pull, I just had to see Emmett no matter what the catch or outcome, I just needed to see him.
So, with that thought in mind I took hold of the handle, turned it and then slowly pushed the door open. But, no matter how much I'd tried to warn myself about what could be behind the door, I still wasn't ready. I gasped, yet, my feet took me forward a few steps but I couldn't go any further as I stared at Emmett's lifeless body.
I tried to draw in breath but it felt as if my lungs and chest were contracting in on themselves, then I jumped as movement caught my eye, noticing someone else in the room.
She was dressed in a nurse's uniform and was absolutely gorgeous. She jumped a little when she turned and saw me.
"Oh, sorry...hey, hey." She said as she rushed to my side and tried to pull me to sit on the chair near the door. I pulled away from her and fled the room. I ignored all the funny looks I got from doctors and nurses and patients and families alike and didn't stop until I was clear of everyone and was on my own with the darkness, and worst of all the sheer pain of the truth.
My Emmy-bear was gone...
I let myself slide down the wall behind me as the torrent of tears began to fall effortlessly. I was shaking uncontrollably, but I couldn't put it down to the night and its temperature or the heavy rain.
I tried in earnest to get the image of Emmett lying there so lifeless out of my mind. I'd never seen him that still, not even in his sleep, he was always breathing heavily or snoring or mumbling, tossing and turning, I'd never seen him like that.
"There you are" The nurse's voice sounded, her tone one of relief. I looked up from where my head was buried in my knees which I had pulled tightly up to my chest.
"Take a deep breath, sweetie. I know it can be hard and scary to see someone you love in hospital, like that, but Em's doing well." She smiled. My eyes were focused on the blurry raindrops as they hit my arm, but then her words sank in.
"He's...you mean he's not..." I stuttered and then had to close my eyes as I whispered the last word. "Dead...?"
"Oh, sweetie, no." She said with a gently look as she placed her hand on my knee. I just stared at her as a gulf of relief swept over my body and my tears continued to flow, just for a different reason now. "We gave him a sedative; It's just a drug induced sleep." She added as she continued to look at me with an understanding expression.
"You're Alice aren't you?" She asked after a minute as she let me catch my breath, I probably looked a little helpless, I sure felt it. I nodded at her question. "He keeps mumbling something about his Ali." She smiled. "And something about a cat." She added under her breath as an afterthought.
"I'm his Ali-Cat."
"Oh, well that makes sense." Seeming to blush for a second at being heard.
"He's my Emmy-Bear."
"That's cute, he could be a bear, huh." I nodded. "How long have you two been together?" she asked.
"I was four and he was seven, we've been inseparable ever since."
"Wow, there's commitment for you. Childhood sweethearts then." She said, though it sounded more like a question that a statement.
"Um, no..." I told her as my eyebrows furrowed together.
"Wait, you two are, you know are..."
"Brother and sister" I finished her sentence and saw the comprehension dawn on her.
"I just thought, what with you having the same eyes and hair colour." I smiled, albeit a little sadly.
"Do you wanna come back inside, it's freezing." She said as a shiver went through her. I just looked at her for a moment and then the building looming before me. I looked back and her and took the hand she'd held out and let her pull me to her feet. "You two are really close, aren't you?" She asked once were in the lift. I nodded.
"He's my world." I sighed, not sure if I'd said it loud enough that she'd heard.
"My name's Rosalie, by the way." She smiled extending her hand to me.
I forced myself to keep my head up and stay strong, more for Emmett's or Rosalie's sake more than my own at the moment, as I followed her back towards his room.
When we were there I just stood next to his bed for a few moments.
"He's not in any pain is he?" I asked Rosalie, my voice hardly audible.
"No." She said with a shake of her head. "Right now, he's just in a deep and undisturbed sleep." I nodded, he did look peaceful, too peaceful to be in any sort of real pain anyway.
Rosalie moved the chair had been near the door and set it down next to the bed, then told me she'd leave me with my brother as she went to tend some of her other patients, but promised she wouldn't be far if I needed or wanted her.
So, there I sat, trying to calm myself and control my thoughts from going to those scary places as I watched my big brother, crying tears of happiness, pain and most importantly hope. And, although I knew the worst was over, my body didn't seem to agree. To be fair, I had spent the past few hours on a plane where my thoughts seemed to just bounce off the walls and back at me. I spent the whole journey thinking the worst, only to think it had become reality as I'd seen Emmett's lifeless body lying on the hospital gurney. And then, though I'd felt instantly better and knew I had something worth living for, as my deepest fear had stayed as just that, my mind and body were still in over-drive.
It was a hell of a lot to process all in such a short period of time; to have my world crashing down around me, that I'd lost the most important thing in my world, and then have it all flipped as everything was in fact okay. Except, he wasn't okay; at least not by my standards. No, that wouldn't be until he was completely healed at home in his own bed with me, as he joked about something or other and would probably be eating some form of junk food, with a smile on his face.
It wasn't right that he was here on this creaky metal bed, surrounded by the hum of the monitors, the unpleasant smell of antiseptic and the unwelcoming feeling that the white walls, floors and cold lights gave.
I looked towards the window as the rain hammered against it noisily, almost out of place in this eerie silence that just wasn't Emmett. It seemed as if the skies were crying just like I and so many other people in this hospital were surely doing, crying over lost loves, and though I knew mine was at least alive, for now, I couldn't relax. I slumped back in the chair and looked down only now noticing what it was that had been keeping my hands busy; it was the letter.
The letter I'd worried so much about, when really that would have been the least of my worries if I'd known this was coming. And, anyway, what could be so bad in a letter compared to my brother lying here in a drug induced sleep because he'd have been in too much pain or too doped up to know what was going on. I quickly unfolded the pages, eager to try and find a little peace in the situation, and hoped that Em's letter would give me just that.
Except, at the opening line I felt a lump form in my throat and my heart strings were tugged on.
Dear my lil Ali-Cat,
I told myself I wouldn't do this, that no matter how upset I got, I'd try and keep my emotions in check in my letters to you. I already feel guilty enough for leaving you, and I didn't want to be the reason why you had anything else to cry over. But, God, I miss you, Ali. It's been a long time, six long months and though I cry like a the fricking pansy that I apparently I am every time I read one of your Goddamn letters, I need to let it out too.
So, as you're reading this, I just need you to promise me one thing, well more promise yourself, I guess, and that is that no matter what I say in this letter, that you're next letter won't be you begging for me to come home. Because, right now, though I can't completely bring myself to think I made the wrong decision in joining the army, I still sometimes wonder if I should have saved myself this loneliness I feel without you.
There are times when I just need one of your smiles. See, I used to think it took the night to make it dark, but I was wrong, here things can be dark no matter how brightly and strongly the sun is shining, whether it be what's going on around me, or just wanting to be back at home with you. And, I know that during those periods, a smile from you would brighten the darkest of time. But, before you get those lacy little panties of yours (I only know because you leave them on display when you set them to dry, nothing pervy going on, promise ya) things are going fine over here, and even though it's been a long time, it's still hard to get used to. Mind, I have to admit, my life never had that much structure to it, I loved it, and you just made it all the more amazing my lil Ali.
More than anything, I miss your purrrrrrrr. When you couldn't sleep, being cuddled up on my lap or in my arms seemed to work for you, and though I loved this, it was your cute little purr that had me sleeping soundly, no matter what; I guess hadn't noticed how much of a lullaby it was for me. Everything is just different from the wonderful little bubble we'd created, and I miss being inside it.
A lot of the time, it's the little things I miss, little notes left on the bathroom mirror, knowing I'd be running late after you and your too long amount of time doing your girly shit - that you so don't need, because you're just too cute when you've just woken up in the morning. Being able to crash in my own bed, anytime I want, and the look on your face as I throw you over my shoulder or drag you with me, or that playful little giggle you let out when I just toss you on there. And, waking up whenever I want without being hounded about wanting to lie in, you always let me, and I love the little sticky notes that'd be stuck on my forehead or the mirror, knowing me so well; just letting me know where you are so I don't worry about you, or waking me up until you have a good enough reason (or food.)
There are often times when I wonder what it is that you'd be doing at that moment, and sometimes it's me wondering what we'd be up to, if I was there with you, if things were back to normal, if everything was okay. But, despite all of this, I know that my country needs me.
I have to go now, Ali, war calls...One last thing though, no matter what, keep you're head up Little One, I couldn't deal with you not being my lil Ali-Cat when I get home.
Love you always, Ali
Your Emmy-Bear
xxx
I'll always be your Ali-Cat, Emmy-Bear...
PT: Thanks for reading *smiles*
MC: Reviews are always amazing!
PT: *nods* Hope to catch you next time with Lieutenant Whitlock.
MC: Til then, au revoir.
PT: *waves*