Chapter 3

Stepping Into the room, still rubbing his damp hair with a towel, Craig let his gaze briefly run over John Paul as he sat on the edge of the sofa. Taking in his bare torso and the low hanging jeans he fought the tightening of his stomach. It had been far too long since he'd held him, far too long since he'd run his hands over his skin and far too long since he'd buried himself inside the warmth of his body. Throwing the towel casually over the back of a chair, he half heartedly ran his fingers through wayward strands of his hair, trying to bring some semblance of order to the longer style he now favoured. Not knowing what to expect after what had just been said in the shower, he tried to calm his erratic emotions.

Unsure whether to remain standing or to sit beside John Paul, he finally settled for sinking carefully down on the floor opposite him with his back to the wall, not really caring that the movement caused his T-Shirt to ride up slightly. Having taken off his ruined bandages he was far more concerned about supporting his bruised ribs than how much skin he was revealing. Hearing a soft gasp, he quickly raised his eyes to almost lose himself in those of achingly familiar blue. Despite the serious, haunted expression on the other's face, Craig was almost sure he saw just the hint of a blush colouring his cheeks. Maybe it wasn't just him that had missed the intimacy. Feeling the growing tension, the growing awareness, he shifted slightly to alleviate the sudden tightness in his groin, covered only by the cotton boxers he had quickly pulled on. The movement drew John Paul's eyes lower and for a moment Craig held his breath at the expression he could see there. Feeling his cock twitch in response to the intense scrutiny it was under, it was all he could do to stay seated where he was and not go and drag John Paul to the bedroom and screw the consequences.

As if aware of how close the sexual tension was to igniting, John Paul once again withdrew, hiding behind shuttered eyes before finally speaking. "So the bruises and cuts and everything..." His slightly husky voice was the only indication that he wasn't quite as in control as he wanted to be. "You're okay, right?"

Wanting badly to kiss him, Craig gave a small smile instead as he nodded his head. "I'm getting there. I'm just glad to be home." He watched as John Paul almost seemed to flinch before his gaze settled on the cut on his cheekbone, uncovered for the first time. "It looks worse than it is, John Paul."

"I can't believe..." John Paul's breathing suddenly seemed forced. "I need to know what happened...what he did...How he..." His voice broke.

Craig let his head fall back against the wall and closed his eyes. To be honest all he wanted was to wrap himself in John Paul's arms, to forget everything that had been said earlier, to forget everything that was wrong between them. But deep down, he knew that John Paul needed this discussion more.

Taking a steadying breath he reluctantly allowed his thoughts to travel back, to replay images that had invaded his sleep over the last few days, nightmares that he'd hoped to banish once he was back in Dublin. It was all he'd hung on to...getting back to the one person who he knew could make everything right. Now he was just scared that nothing would ever be right again.

"We think he watched us, God knows how long for." He gave a bitter laugh. "We made it easy for him, isolated location, no mobile signal...He just walked right fucking in." He swallowed hard, his fingers automatically going up to touch his bruised face. "I never even suspected he was in the house until he..." He paused, opening his eyes slowly to stare up at the ceiling. He couldn't look at John Paul, still hating the shame of being made to feel totally helpless. His voice shook slightly as he forced himself to go on, his air of vulnerability making his beauty seem almost fragile in the early morning light. John Paul's heart ached at the sight of him. Struggling with his feelings, he tried to focus on Craig's next words.

"Anyway, when I came round I was tied up, hands, feet...and ..." Craig was once again seeing Niall in front of him, could feel his hand as he pulled on his hair to force his head back, could feel the cold metal of the knife as it pressed against the skin of his exposed throat. His hands clenched as he felt tension invade his body. "He took Steph...and I had to just watch them go." Shaking, he tried to laugh at his own fear, at his sense of failure. "So much for looking out for my sister, for getting Niall back for what he did to you. Some hero, huh?"

"Craig, don't...None of this was your fault."

Finally lowering his gaze, Craig searched John Paul's face, almost afraid of what he'd find there but desperate to escape the darkness of his thoughts. "Do you know what it's like to be unable to do anything, to be completely at the mercy of a bastard like that?" He sounded almost lost.

"Yes."

The reply was so faint that if Craig hadn't been watching John Paul's face he would have missed it. Suddenly his own pain seemed less important as he realised how insensitive he'd just been! Of course he fucking knew! "God, John Paul, I'm so sorry. I wasn't thinking..."

"At least you got your sister out of there alive ...more than I did." Now it was John Paul's words that were forced, coated in bitterness.

Craig started to push himself up, needing to offer comfort, fuck the barriers but a raised hand stopped him. "Please...I can't do this if you're near me, okay?"

Hating the distance between them but knowing he had no choice, Craig sighed in frustration. Shaking his head slightly, he desperately kept his eyes locked with John Paul's wounded ones, needing to maintain some connection. At least he was finally talking to him instead of pretending that everything was fine. Now he just had to keep him talking, make him open up further.

"I know what he did to me was nothing compared to what he put you through but..." Hesitantly, Craig pushed against the walls that John Paul had built to keep him out, walls that he'd hidden himself behind for too long. "I guess I'm saying that now I can at least understand some of what you've been going though...He screwed with your head, threatened everyone you loved the most...took Tina from you." He could see John Paul was struggling to maintain his composure and the look of panic in his face almost made Craig pause. Knowing he was taking a risk, that his next words could backfire he forced himself to confront both of their fears and finally address the white elephant that had been living alongside them for weeks. "And you had to deal with all of that while you were still trying to come to terms with losing Kieran."

John Paul went deathly pale as he suddenly stood up, his body swaying slightly. "I can't do this." His eyes were full of a desperate anger, as he tried to avoid facing his real feelings.

Pushing himself up, Craig let his own emotions show. "We have to talk about it sometime, John Paul. If we are to stand any chance, we need to discuss what happened to you...to Kieran."

"Why the fuck would you want to talk about him? I mean what bit would you like to 'chat' about, huh?" The words were fired at him like shards of ice as John Paul stepped up close, coiled as if ready to strike. "How he was murdered because my mum fucked up, how he choked on his own vomit as Niall watched...or how we were screwing each other in my bed at the time?"

The words fell into a deathly silence broken only by the sound of their heavy breathing as both stood bodies stiff, strained.

"Well finally you had the guts to say it." Craig's eyes never waivered from John Paul's face all of his hurt plain to see. "But if you expect me to feel sorry for what we did, you'll be disappointed. I'm glad you were with me...do you hear me, you fucking dumbass?"

"And there he is...the Craig Dean we all know and love. You're such a selfish bastard." John Paul stepped even closer, his face centimetres away from Craig's. His fists were clenched at his sides. "What is it Craig, would your ego have been wounded if I hadn't chosen you before Kieran died...or maybe if I'd saved him you might have had to work a bit harder to get me when you realised how much I actually loved him...Is that it?"

Craig shut down. His whole emotions just froze. Looking at John Paul's fists he wished he'd used them on him instead of the barrage of words. He felt as if something deep inside him had just shattered. Utterly defeated, he gave John Paul a twisted mockery of a smile.

"Of course that's it, John Paul...You got it in one, being as you know me so well." Turning his back, he forced his limbs to move, dropping down onto the sofa, sinking into its softness as if he might disappear. His voice became quieter as if the effort of talking was suddenly too much. "You're an idiot if you think you could have saved him." He felt John Paul's shock but no longer cared. He just felt numb. "Do you really think that Niall would have just let you walk out of that flat if you'd have got there earlier? Kieran's fate was sealed the minute he found out who Niall was, yours would have been too. So excuse me for taking some comfort in the fact that us 'screwing' as you so nicely put it kept you safe."

Looking up, Craig was surprised to see a look of absolute devastation on John Paul's face. Not sure what had caused the pain to break through the anger, he watched with an eerie sense of detachment as he sank down next to him, not close enough to touch but close enough that Craig could hear as he released a long drawn out breath. Both sat staring at the floor, unmoving, as the stillness of the room settled about them both. Somehow it was like a truce had been called in a battle neither had wanted, neither had the stomach for.

"I'm sorry... I shouldn't have said..." John Paul's words were as wounded and defeated as his own had been.

Craig shrugged, not really having the energy to react. However, John Paul's next words made his head turn, made him realise that his heart wasn't quite as numb as he'd thought.

"I'm hurting you because I can't live with the choices I made. How pathetic is that? I didn't even go to my own sister's funeral...and I called you selfish." He laughed, a bitter sound. "I only thought about myself, how I was feeling...about..." There was a pause. "About getting back to you." For a split second his eyes lifted and Craig's breath caught in his throat with the intensity of the look. But the moment was broken before it really began, leaving him missing something that hadn't been his for a while. "And as for Kieran...I shouldn't have been with you..."

Before Craig could feel any pain at the gut wrenching honesty, he hung onto the next words like a drowning man thrown a life line. "...Not then anyway, not like that. I should have ended things properly with Kieran before sleeping with you. I should have been honest with everyone before it got that far. Even if I couldn't have saved him...I could have at least given him that." John Paul's breathing was suddenly ragged, desperate and this time Craig reached for him. It was instinctive. His arm went round John Paul's shoulders, pulling him close as his words continued to flow, seemingly unstoppable now. "Because I knew, Craig...I knew from the moment I saw you again." He laughed tiredly. "That's still a lie...I always knew it was you... I never stopped knowing who I had to be with. And now...shit, what a mess!"

"Shhhh. John Paul, it's going to be fine. Me and you, we're still here aren't we?"

Almost, John Paul allowed himself to sink into Craig, to take comfort, to breathe him in. But he wasn't finished yet; Pandora's Box still lay open in front of him. For a moment he was tempted to let things be, to finally believe that they could move forward. He could feel the warmth of Craig's skin where it brushed against his own, could feel his breath on the side of his neck as he softly exhaled and he knew if he just turned slightly that their mouths would meet. He could feel the temptation sneaking through his stomach, making him ache with need. He loved him, he'd always loved him...for once couldn't that be enough? His lips parted but instead of turning to find Craig's, he released the words he desperately wanted to keep inside.

"You were right to be pissed off with me about what I said." Sensing Craig's confusion, he almost smiled. "We didn't screw each other that night...we've never screwed each other. How could we? Our hearts always got in the way. Maybe if we had...maybe if I could just have loved you less..." He swallowed hard to keep the bile down. "Then maybe I could have come home at nights, could have lost myself in empty sex with you, rather than staying out so often."

Craig stiffened, his whole body fighting the message John Paul's words seemed to be throwing at him. His arm fell uselessly back to his side as his body started to shake. "You...I..." A coldness was seeping through his chest.

"You don't get it do you? I was lost...and I wanted to stay that way. But fuck, every time I looked at you I was there. I was always in your fucking eyes. So I stopped looking. I wanted to hurt, I wanted to punish myself...I wanted to destroy everything I had left...to finish off what Niall had started. Why should Kieran and Tina have to pay with their lives, whilst I still had... you? So I tried to push you away...but you wouldn't go...so I...I..." His words disappeared into a sickening silence.

Tying to hold on to the contents of his stomach, Craig swallowed hard. Everything seemed out of focus, as if he was staring at the room through a long tunnel. "What the fuck is this? What the fuck did you do?" He hardly recognised his own voice as he watched as John Paul seemed to gather himself, pulling his head up high before turning to him with a face devoid of any feeling.

"I went with someone from the club, back to their flat...and I...I tried for the meaningless sex that I couldn't have with you." John Paul's laugh sounded cruel, almost mocking, until Craig looked and found the truth in his eyes. "I was drunk and I was empty...and now... "

Needing space, Craig got to his feet, backing away as John Paul stood up too.

"And now you know why I didn't want to come out of the shower." Hardly aware that he was crying, John Paul swiped angrily at the tears. "This is me hurting you... and it's fucking killing me."

Even as the meaning of John Paul's words tore into him, something was screaming at Craig to not let go of what they had, to hang on to it for all he was worth. Something deep inside him was battling the ice seeping through his veins, pushing against the anger that was trying to ignite. He could almost taste hatred but John Paul's words about always seeing himself in his eyes, were holding it at bay because Craig knew it was true...knew that, even now, if he looked into John Paul's eyes, he would see himself there too ...and suddenly, despite everything that had been said...despite everything that still needed to be said, there was only one thing that seemed to matter, only one question he wanted to ask.

"When you said you'd lost everything that mattered to you...did you mean Kieran?"

He knew his question had taken John Paul by surprise, wasn't what he'd been expecting. With heartbreaking honesty, John Paul gave him back the only thing he had left.

"I meant you...My everything has always been you."

For a moment there was a flicker of hope as John Paul watched an expression of relief flit across Craig's face but any other thoughts were lost as without warning a fist smashed into his jaw, leaving him sprawled on the floor, lip bleeding. Shocked, he stared up at the man glaring down at him. "Jesus, Craig!"

"And this time I'm not sorry." Watching as John Paul gingerly moved his jaw side to side, Craig knew the meaning of his words hadn't been lost on the other, when he saw a fleeting half smile cross his swollen mouth.

"So does this mean I don't get to punch you back this time?" Receiving another glower for his efforts, John Paul got tentatively to his feet, his hand held out in submission before he became serious again.

"Craig...I...What I said before..."

"Did you sleep with him?" Craig's eyes narrowed, something primitive and dangerous eating away at him.

John Paul didn't try to hide, he'd done too much of that already. "No...but I nearly did...I wanted to." Hearing Craig's sharply indrawn breath he forced himself to go on. "I think I wanted to do the one thing I knew you could never forgive me for...that I could never forgive myself for. I let him kiss me...touch me...but fuck you were there...in my head, in my heart...and I couldn't. I hated myself enough to destroy me...but I loved you too much to do that to you."

The second punch was to his stomach, not as hard but enough to steal his breath. So he was defenceless when two hands pushed him hard, slamming him into the wall, holding him there. Brown eyes seared him, taking away the little bit of oxygen he had left.

"You ever so much as look at anyone again and I swear I'll hang your balls out to dry."

Any reply John Paul might have given was lost as his mouth was captured in a kiss full of heat and anger and a toe curling possession. The grip he was held in was punishing, his split lip was throbbing...and never had he felt so alive, never had anything tasted so good.

Never had he loved Craig Dean more.