Chapter 5
"Why the hell are we still awake?" John Paul's words were soft, seeming to match the mood in the room as the muted greys of the early morning light crept through the window.
Craig shrugged, as he fought a yawn, happy to just lay his head back against the shoulder behind him. Feeling John Paul's arms tighten around his waist, he smiled as he shifted to get even more comfortable, loving how John Paul's chin came to rest on his own shoulder as he held him securely between his thighs.
Content, he let his mind drift, reliving the way John Paul's body had felt beneath his just a short while ago, as he had slowly plunged his cock into the tight heat of his ass. He could still hear the broken sounds he'd made as he repeatedly stroked the sensitive spot buried deep inside him and could still see his soft blush as he came quickly that first time. His already over stimulated body hadn't stood a chance of lasting longer and he had taken Craig with him as his contracting muscles had shamelessly milked his own desperate erection.
The second time had been different. Never let it be said they didn't know how to negotiate peace terms. It was only fair that after he'd taken his own 'spoils of war' that John Paul got to do the same, the slight soreness Craig could still feel was testament to how thorough he'd been. His thoughts had him shifting slightly in John Paul's arms, as his cock began to respond to the images in his head. It didn't help that he knew he was being watched.
"God, you're insatiable."
John Paul's over the top groan made him laugh. "Don't worry you're safe, my ribs are aching too much from your over enthusiastic pounding earlier."
"I do not pound!" His voice was a whine that just made Craig laugh more.
"Tell that to my ass!"
John Paul choked...literally. Seeing the smug look on Craig's face he glared at him before retaliating in the best way he knew how. Using one arm to keep him in place he let his other hand begin to roam, tickling all his most sensitive places.
"John Paul...stop it...Urggghhh. You know I hate it...Stop it!"
"Tell me I didn't pound your ass." He continued the torture as Craig tried to squirm away.
"Fuck off."
Without warning Craig found himself on his back, his arms pinned to his side, totally at John Paul's mercy as he straddled his hips. Seeing his satisfied smile, Craig waited breathlessly for the torment to start again, watching as predatory eyes raked over his chest, seeking out their first point of attack. Shit, how did he get out of this without losing face? Deciding to play on his injuries, he was just about to give his best wounded look when he felt the sudden shift in mood. He saw John Paul swallow, heard him take an unsteady breath as his whole body went still and then he lifted his head.
The raw emotion in his face was mirrored by the darkening pools of his eyes. They became the colour of stormy seas and rain lashed skies and Craig had no clue what had brought about the change in him. "John Paul?" For a while there was no answer and then a hand reached out, gently feathering along the grazed, discoloured skin of his abdomen, as if the damage there was just being seen clearly for the first time.
"Oh God, Craig...I could have lost you." His fingers moved on to slowly brush against the bruises vivid above Craig's ribs, as if he hoped a mere touch could wipe them away. "I really could have fucking lost you!"
Climbing off Craig's body, John Paul flopped down to lay flat on the bed, his eyes staring at the ceiling. Sighing, Craig shifted to his side to look at him, propping himself up on one elbow, his head resting on his hand.
"Hey." He waited until John Paul turned his head slightly. "No more dealing with 'could haves' do you hear?" Seeing the slight shudder that John Paul couldn't hide, he punched his arm softly. "I'm here aren't I?" Reaching for one of John Paul's hands he let his fingers slip inside before bringing it back and placing it against his chest. The eyes in front of him closed for a moment before slowly lifting back to his face.
"You're different." The words were almost tentative as if they were being tested for the first time.
Craig gave him a questioning look."Different how?"
"Calmer different...more thoughtful different...I don't know, just different. You have been for a while...even before..." Suddenly finding his emotions overwhelming, John Paul forced a laugh, trying to cut through his darker thoughts. "Maybe it's the girly hair." Affectionately, he ruffled the brown strands leaving them messy and sticking out all over the place.
"Great, first you pound my ass, then call me a girl...I think I preferred you silent and moody."
The trade mark pout made John Paul's laughter turn into a groan as he took him in. Damn he was fucking gorgeous laid there, naked, mussed up hair and a mouth begging to be kissed.
"God you're easy John Paul McQueen. I swear all I have to do is batter my lashes and pout and you fucking melt...Anybody would think you loved me!" The teasing banter died on Craig's lips as once again the mood became intense. For a while they held each others gaze, their thoughts and feelings shifting, flickering unguarded, back and forth between the two of them.
Watching Craig, John Paul could feel the churning in his stomach as all the fears and insecurities from the last few weeks seemed to crowd in on him again, just the thought of losing him now scared him to death. He could feel the weight of his actions sitting heavy on his conscience .
"I'm sorry." The words slipped out to hover uncertainly between them.
Craig gave him a gentle smile. "What are you sorry for now?"
"Everything."
Recognising John Paul's anxiety, Craig fell back on the bed next to him, keeping their hands firmly in place between them, fingers still entwined. "I guess this means we still need to talk, huh?"
John Paul gave him a slightly wobbly smile. "Maybe." Seeing Craig's raised eyebrows his smile became a little more secure as he nodded his head. "Okay, yeah, we need to talk." He felt his hand being squeezed and his racing heart quietened a little at the calming look he was given. Looking back up, he watched the shadows creep further into the room, as he tried to force himself to relax. He had so much he needed to say but he didn't know where the hell to start. Things were just so delicate between them he hardly dared breathe in case he upset the balance.
But he knew he had to do this...for himself, for Craig. For a moment he allowed his eyes to rest on their joined hands and took comfort in how right they looked, how familiar they felt and he knew somehow that this was what he was fighting for, the simple right to hold on to this man for the rest of his life. His chest hurt as he dragged his eyes back to the ceiling. Tonight had been an emotional roller coaster, another one to add to the collection that marked their time together. McDean moments, Craig called them...moments that defined them. He almost smiled. Fucking stupid name! Craig had come up with it one night when they were staggering home drunk from a club, sulking for a while over the fact that he couldn't get it to sound right with his name at the front, before throwing his arm around John Paul's neck when he'd reasured him that Dean took up most of the letters making it more important.
Moments, painful, beautiful, heartbreaking moments...they had to count for something, right? Again he breathed in. He was more nervous than he'd been for a long time...and yet laid here next to Craig, both naked, both silent...there was also a sense of peace, a promise of something new. He felt he wasn't in this alone, and if could just get through this, that he would never be alone again. Now he just had to find the words. Lost in thought as he was, it was a shock when Craig took the initiative and quietly began to speak first.
"You know, I remember this one night in Scotland, when I was outside looking up at the stars... and all I could think about was whether we were going to be alright." His voice had fallen to match the soft stillness that had settled between them. "I mean what do you do when you have everything you ever thought you wanted and...and yet it still it isn't enough to make you happy?" Sensing he had John Paul's attention, Craig turned his head and let him see deep inside, holding nothing back.
John Paul felt every beat of his heart as he got lost in Craig's eyes, every breath he took seemed exaggerated as he swallowed down his fear. "And did you find your answer?" Fuck he sounded vulnerable.
"Maybe...or maybe it found me. It's funny how unimportant some things get when a knife is being held to your throat."
"Like what?" John Paul couldn't take his eyes away from him.
"Like how it didn't seem to matter right then how screwed up we were, that you were coming home later, that my pride was stung because you refused to let me in. It didn't matter who was to blame, or who loved who the most or that we were trying to box each other in and label what we were. None of that mattered in those seconds...all I cared about was seeing you again. It was that simple. It all came down to surviving to be with you." The stark honesty on Craig's face held John Paul captive. "And I realised something about happiness...it's relative...and it's not everything. Being happy doesn't define us, it's just a small part of what we are. We are all the colours of emotion, every shade. Sometimes I need to hate you just as much as I need to love you, I need to cry and hurt sometimes, just as much as I need to laugh and sometimes getting what you want is only the start of the journey." Craig took a deep breath. "But I do know now that you are my journey, John Paul McQueen and I will travel every inch of you, breath every breath with you and end up where ever it is you take me."
John Paul felt like he had been punched in the stomach. And it was the most beautiful feeling in the world. When had Craig Dean become this man? He had just given him all that he could of himself, held nothing back...and he'd found that strength from facing his own insecurities, his own fears. He'd told him that he had sensed a change in him before Scotland, before Niall. He had watched him become quieter, a little more reflective, and had known, even as he wallowed in his own despair that he was the cause of some of it. But now there was something more, it was like he had finally found himself, and was content in his own skin. He was who he was, faults and all and was making no apologies for it. Sometimes John Paul wondered if he actually realised how special he was, how much he loved him. Hesitantly he tried to give something back.
"I think...I think I need to say something ..and I know it might seem like nothing after everything you just said...but I think I need to say it anyway and that you need to hear it while we are both calm." Shuffling up, he rested back against the headboard, bringing Craig up to sit at his side, his eyes never leaving his face. "I have never loved anybody like I love you...not Spike, not...not Kieran...nobody before and nobody since...and whatever happens I know this is it for me too... you are it for me."
Craig just looked back at him, his eyes soft. "You think that's nothing, huh?" He gave him a slightly embarrassed groan. "I love that you told me that, I mean I probably shouldn't need it...but you know me...I do err...tend to get kind of possessive and jealous over you, sometimes."
"I never would have guessed." Smiling back at him, John Paul watched as his hand went to the back of his neck, rubbing it distractedly as he lowered his eyes. Feeling a little uneasy he waited to see what was suddenly bothering him, feeling a sick sense of what it might be.
"Tell me about that night, John Paul." Craig seemed uncomfortable but his eyes took on a determined look. "That night...the guy you went with...the one from the club. I need you to tell me about him, about what happened."
Suddenly, John Paul felt exposed, and too...naked. He needed distance and space. He could feel Craig pulling away from him too, moving to sit up, knees tucked into his body, arms draped over them and head slightly bent. Feeling his stomach churning, John Paul got to his feet, reaching for his jeans. He felt Craig's eyes following him as he clumsily dragged them up over his hips, fastening them with shaking hands. He could feel his thoughts closing down, his throat tightening against any words he wanted to say as he moved away to lean against the door.
"Are you sure you want to do this?"
Craig looked at him. "Not really...but I can't...I mean...I just need to know what you did, what you gave him?"
John Paul gave a bitter laugh. "I gave him nothing of me if that's what you're asking, took nothing in return...I gave him 30 minutes of my life, fucking 30 minutes Craig and..." His words became choked and his head dipped. His breathing was rapid as his chest rose and fell.
"And?" The whispered word brought his head back up as if he had been shot. Craig could see the fear mixed with resignation on his face as he struggled to continue.
"And I know what those 30 minutes could cost me."
"Just tell me, John Paul."
Knowing there was only one way he could do this, John Paul let himself disappear. He found that place deep inside that had become his refuge and he locked himself away. Trying to be detached, emotionless he poured out his shame. "We went back in his car. He told me to unfasten my shirt, undo the top button of my jeans. He said he wanted to look at me." John Paul held his head high, his body tense. The rapid pulse beating at the side of his neck drew Craig eyes. "Is that what you wanted to hear, Craig? I didn't know him, had never seen him before...and he made me feel like a fucking whore, sat there in his car as his eyes raked over me." Staring sightlessly ahead, he pulled further back into himself. "When we got to his flat, he slammed me against the wall and his mouth was everywhere, on my neck, my chest, my stomach. And I remember looking out the window over the top of his head, so pissed I could hardly stand, with a man in front of me who's name I never even got, and I saw it was snowing. I just remember thinking it was so fucking beautiful."
Craig wanted to tell him to stop, to block out the images his words were creating but he couldn't. He just stared at him, as if he were a beautiful stranger, his heart already missing the man he knew.
"Anyway he used my distraction well. By the time I was finally refocused, his shirt was gone and he was trying to get my hand inside the front of his jeans. Mine had already been pushed down past my hips and his other hand was cupping me through my boxer shorts. I felt nothing...which was what I wanted , right?" He began to shake, soft ripples that were tearing at something inside him. Desperately he tried not to feel. "And then he looked up at me...and you know what I saw in his eyes..." He knew he was crying, knew that the place inside where he holding himself was breaking apart. "...contempt, lust...maybe even a little pity...and...even worse, he wasn't you... and without you...I couldn't find me." Suddenly he was back there in that seedy room, seeing himself, half naked, being groped...and he could hear broken sobs, not realising they were his own as the words kept pouring from him, unstoppable. "And as he forced my hand to touch him I knew...I knew losing myself wasn't worth the cost of losing you. So I pushed him off and ran." Haunted eyes slammed into Craig's "You know what he called me as I left...a cock teasing faggot... and I laughed...I fucking laughed in his face because that one word gave me back a little bit of us...It wasn't his voice calling me that, it was yours... and I fucking clung to it like I'd never held onto anything before, pathetic huh?"
"John Paul." Saying his name, seemed to free something inside of Craig, as something reconnected, slammed into him so hard it left him reeling. He began to move instictively to the place he knew he needed to be.
"I was drunk then, Craig...but I'm not drunk now and I can feel him, his hands, his mouth...his breath...And I can't make it go away..."He stared at Craig, lost. "I'm so so sorry."
Craig got off the bed and slowly walked towards him. "Where can you feel him, John Paul?" When he got no answer he bent his head to the warm skin of his neck. "Here?" The body in front of him went tense as he kissed softly along the line of his collar bone. "Or here?" His mouth moved lower skimming over his chest, making his breath catch. "Or maybe here?" This time he let his lips and tongue leave a warm trail across the pale skin of his stomach as he knelt in front of him trying to erase every touch that went before.
"Craig, don't...I..." John Paul's tears made the dark head at his waist seemed blurred, slightly out of focus. His hand hovered, wanting so badly to touch the strands of hair, to bury his fingers in their silky softness and hold him close...but he didn't deserve to, he didn't deserve this!
"And where did he touch you, baby...here?" Craig lifted his eyes to the tear swamped ones looking down a him as if they were afraid he would disappear. Never letting his gaze waver, he deftly tugged at the button of John Paul's jeans, before opening them fully so his hand could slip inside to gently find and offer comfort. Keeping his hand in place, he slowly got to his feet. Without a word he reached for John Paul's hand and brought it to his own partially hard cock. Sensing him following the movement of their joined hands, Craig gently wrapped both their fingers around his erection. "Do you feel him there now, McQueen, or is it me you feel?" Hearing the shuddering breath in response, he Leaned forward to bring their foreheads closer together. "Look at me, John Paul." He knew they were both crying but he didn't care. "John Paul...look at me" As if in slow motion, heartbreakingly blue eyes lifted to meet his own and it was Craig's turn to be breathless.
"What do you see in my eyes?"
Hands still wrapped intimately around each other, heads touching, lost in each others eyes, John Paul stepped away from safety, gave himself up...gave himself away.
"I see me..." His voice became stronger as he watched a smile spread across Craig's face. "I see me, surrounded by you..." Suddenly he was grinning too. "Oh God Craig, in your eyes... I see us."