Author's Note:
Rating: T or K+. Yay.
Notes: Uhm. I can't even think about how bad this probably is. Fact being, I like it, I'm exhausted, and I'm going to bed before I can rethink the idea of posting it. Crossover with Kingdom Hearts. (Oh, come on. They're basically the same thing.)
Music: Bruised by Jack's Mannequin.
Timeline: Post-Apocalyptic Heartless attack and subsequent swallowing of Gaia. Yay. :D
Drabbletine Summary: Of paper hearts and wedding bands.
Disclaimer: I own neither Kingdom Hearts, nor Final Fantasy VII. Boo.
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...
"hours pass
and she still counts the minutes
that i'm not there
i swear i didn't mean for it
to feel like this
like every inch of me is
bruised."
...
xxx
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4:56 AM
The hours will fly right by without you noticing, but it's every dragged-out minute (I swear, I can hear them ticking in my brain) that really kills me, because they're the ones that remind me of all the minutes I spent waiting for him.
And it's knowing he's not coming back that really kills me, because—
And it's every breath that really kills me, because every breath is just like another little lie, and every breath hurts my beaten lungs, and it's all I can do to not just hug myself and spend the night (the day) sobbing and counting the passing seconds.
...
4:57 AM
And it's the sound of quiet breathing from the other room that kills me, 'cause she doesn't trust me enough to sleep in her own room, because she's not sure what I might do to myself if she's too far away, so she sleeps in the room next to mine.
And it's all I can do, some nights, to smother my screaming in the pillow, and hope that she's really sleeping, because they worry too much as it is. But I can't help but remembering his even, gentle breathing on the back of my neck—
...
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5:06 AM
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him—
The tears are burning my cheeks like bitter medicine,
and I know the picture is an ugly one,
so I suck in a shaky breath and try to dry my eyes.
For his sake. Because he's always said I'm stronger than I looked.
He puts a hand to my chin, and tilts my head up,
like I'm twelve again.
His voice is crystal clear in my bitter recollections.
...
"Hey.
Don't cry.
I'll be back."
...
And the tears are drowning my pillow again.
… you didn't seem like a liar.
...
5:09 AM
I hate him.
...
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8:09 AM
And it's the fourth sleepless night, and I can see the worry in Aerith's eyes as she glances at me, over my untouched plate of eggs. "Yuffie, are you ok-"
Leon gives her a quick, sharp look that isn't lost on me.
'Cause he knows all about grief.
...
2:20 PM
And I don't even think about blaming myself, don't even have the easy out of blaming him. Because it's nobody's fault. But that doesn't stop my wishing that he'd come through that door so I could punch him and tell him how much I hate him. How much I hate him for leaving me, and how much I hate me for letting him.
I hate him I hate hate hate—
"I-"
...
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7:45 PM
And the minutes are slowly tick-tick-ticking by, and I'm on the floor, in the corner of my room, (sobbing again) my hands shaking, spilling all those silly wishes onto the ground and
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7:46 PM
what kills me is how much these used to mean to me, how I spent all those hours, minutes, seconds (waiting for him to come home) but now they're scattered all over the floor and the white is slowly turning grey from the tear drops falling like bombs onto the thin white paper hearts covering the hardwood
...
7:47 PM
of my bedroom floor and I grab the scissors in my shaking, shaking hands, as my brain is screaming at me that this won't work. My (paper)heart won't die as easily as I can cut them to pieces (as easily he cut it to pieces) and he was already dead to begin with, even if I didn't know it,
even if he never knew it—
...
I hate him. Leviathan, I hate him so much.
"I l-"
...
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12:34 PM
It's an unwilling, sulky girl that Squall drags to the bailey, and my stick arms are shaking by the time we're done training. He gives me no excuses, and drives me harder than I can take, but behind my gritted teeth and glare, I'm thankful, because it stops me from thinking.
...
12:34 AM
And for the first time, I have physical pain to dwell on, and it drives the hurt of every passing minute (that he's not here) from my mind, and I sleep,
"I'll be back."
And it's hearing his voice in my head every night that kills me, because even if he used to whisper in my ear, he's never gonna again. I'm never going to feel his warmth, pressed against my back, and I lie in bed and sob and shake from the hurt of it.
...
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3:38 PM
And it never occurred to me before, that I'd never asked Squall how he survived losing her.
(But I didn't lose him.
He left.)
I hate him.
And what kills me is the fact that
...
3:39 PM
it's not his fault, as much as I want to blame him, and even if I spent the rest of my life hating him, it's not gonna bring him back
I hate him!
And I can't hate him, as much as I want to.
"I love-"
...
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12:40 PM
And what kills me is that I can spend the entire day curled on my bed, not thinking, knowing that they're worried about me, knowing that he wouldn't want me to die just because he did, but I can't help the fact that it feels like my figurative paperheart's stopped beating, and if he can go away and die, then so can I. (But I can't.)
And I'm so sick, so sick and tired of being so sick and tired. (We were both such magnificent liars.)
...
12:44 PM
But even if I want to stay there all day, that's not what he would want, so I drag myself into the kitchen to sit and stare at the table.
Because he wouldn't want me to spend the rest of my life dying.
...
1:45 PM
I don't even question Squall as he hauls me up and leads me out, back to the bailey.
...
1:48 PM
But we don't train; he just sits on the edge of the wall, and looks off into the distance. I know there's no point to ask why he brought me here, since the response will be something grunted, like, "Better view than the table."
5 PM
And he's not back, but it's a beautiful sunset anyway.
7 PM
Hours pass, and I'm still counting the minutes.
And Squall finally moves again. Gracefully, he stands, puts a hand on my shoulder, and leaves without a word. Typical.
Hours, or minutes later, I glance down at my hands. The sparkle on my left hand catches my eye, and I take the ring off. Twenty. Widowed.
And the tears are coming again. I squeeze the band in my palm, feeling the stone cut into my hand.
I'm possessed by a terrible, wild urge, and I know, terrified, that I'll regret it, but before I can change my mind, I stand, my sobs jagged and my throat choked.
I fling it away.
It plunges, a lonely bright star, falling in the night, a white twinkle in the dusk, falling down, down, down, until it disappears from view, sinks into the ocean. Away from me. Away.
And I cry.
...
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2:43 AM
Squall is sitting at the table, and shows no surprise when I stumble in. I catch his gaze, stagger past him up the stairs, and lock myself in my room. He waits a respectful amount of time before following me up the stairs, and closes the door to his room.
I'm curled up on my bed, breathing raggedly from holding in my sobs.
Because he always hated to see me cry.
Because I owe him that much.
And it's not his fault.
And I don't hate him.
But I know he's not coming back.
But I don't want to live like this anymore.
And the tears are coming, but for the first time in forever, they don't tear me apart, and they don't hurt, and my bruised and beaten lungs are finally working again, and I lose track of how many minutes I lie there.
Finally, I sleep.
...
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"I love you."
"I love you too, Vinc—"
...
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8:59 AM
And I am finally waking up.
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enjoy?
-Latte
EDIT: Fanfiction hates my formatting. Updated 5/11.
EDIT 1.2: Not quite sure if the bailey overlooks water. Let's pretend it does.