Disclaimer. No copyright infringement intended. Wow, infringement is a big word for me…

Warnings: AU, Crossover, Mild Language, OOC. Also, I'll repeat, I do not go entirely in-depth with LotR. I don't know enough about the cannon. If I make a drastic mistake that really pisses you off, please, flame me. (Nicely!) I've edited all the curse words with "". If you know the word, then it really can't be that offensive. If you don't know it, you can't blame me for telling you: )

They were walking through woods, following Aragorn. Gimli was going on, and on, and on about an enchantress of some sort. The wood was dark, and quiet. Suddenly they were surrounded by Elves holding loaded bow and arrows.

Ron yelled, "don't shoot! I'm too young to die!"

While Harry yelled, "don't shoot! I'm too gorgeous to die!"

Everybody gave them odd looks. Everybody. Harry and Ron both shrugged. "What? It's true," they both said. Boromir huffed, while the hobbits laughed nervously.

"Follow us," the new Elves said.

"Ah hell nah," Ron said.

"We'll wait for these eight to come back, if it's no problem. We don't trust nutters that attack us at arrow point," Harry said. The Elves looked among themselves. One of them, the leader by the looks of him, motioned towards Harry and Ron.

"Tie them up and drag them," he said, in a commanding tone. Harry and Ron were attacked, tied, and gagged. Then they were dragged with the rest of the people. Harry was knocked out when his head was thrown against a stone floor.

He woke up dizzy, tired, and hungry. Really hungry. Food had been preserved, and rather scarce. Suddenly an Elf, a very beautiful Elf, was leaning over him, staring at him.

That is an odd enough feeling when you're totally awake, but Harry was not. "Bloody hell!" he yelled. The tall, blond, beautiful Elf Lady smiled.

"What are you?" she asked.

"What the hell are you? Lord, Christ and all that's mighty! Sneaking up on a man barely awake! Gah!" Harry said, sitting up. He heard a few shocked gasps.

"That's it, I'm taking his head off!" Aragorn held Gimli back.

"No! Gimli! Don't!" Aragorn said. The Dwarf had his axe raised above his head, ready to behead Harry.

"You, Harry Potter, shall be forever known as Dolosus. It means crafty, sly, cunning, and deceitful." Harry raised an eyebrow.

"Lovely. That is no Elvish you speak, is it? No, it is of another place. It is a language of Men." Ron was sitting next to Harry, awake now.

"Dude, I think we've been found out." Harry glared at him for all life was worth. "Well, it's true. Why else would they call you a deceiver?"

"Ron, you fck-wit, shut up," Harry growled. Harry turned back to lady Galadriel. "As for your earlier question, I am a wizard, of Elven descent. My friend, Ron, is just a wizard. As far as we know, he is a pureblood, and I am a first generation pureblood, or a halfblood. Wizard, that is."

"So you are not brothers?" Aragorn asked. Harry shook his head.

"But! He is dating my sister, so… Close enough! We've known each other for little more than… five years. Since our first day of school," Ron said.

"Your mothers mother was an Elf, young Potter. If I am not mistaken, you are a direct descendant of Lord Elrond, in fact," Galadriel said.

"But none of Elrond's children have children!" protested Aragorn.

"Not yet, they don't," Ron said. He then glared at Harry, and pushed him. "Why the hell do you get all the cool ancestors? James Potter! Lord Elrond! Are you related to Merlin, perhaps? Bugger it all, you probably are, with your magical power!" Ron then spent the next five minutes describing Harry's immense power to the, now seated, people gathered around them. "And he got a corporeal patronus, at thirteen! He will be the most powerful wizard alive, as soon as Dumbledore kicks the bucket!" Ron exclaimed, cheerfully.

Legolas raised an eyebrow. "What is a patronus?" the Elf asked. Harry raised his wand, and with a lazy movement, a great, bright white stag erupted from the tip, galloping around the room a few times, before disappearing.

"Patronus: Protector. It is of the same language that I was given a name from. That shape will save a person from Dementors. Before you ask, a Dementor is a dark spirit thing. It feeds off of the happiness of its victims. If able, it will suck its victims soul out of his, or her, mouth. The victim will live, but be merely a shadow of their former selves." Harry drew a breath.

"Would it work against Ringwraiths?" Legolas asked. Harry shrugged.

"It could. Or I could just light the Buggers on fire and laugh hysterically," Harry said. Harry then burst into laughter. Ron shook his head.

"Sorry, he's been a little off since his godfather was murdered by his own cousin, on orders from the Dark Lord, who is hell bent on killing Harry," Ron explained.

"Sauron wants to kill Harry?" Pippin asked, startled.

"Goodness, no," Harry said, finally stopping laughing. "Voldemort. He tried to kill me when I was a year old, but he failed miserably, and ended up killing himself. Thirteen years later, two years ago, he came back. Now he wants to kill me, because I've severely wounded his pride. Even more so, after first year," Harry said.

Ron explained about the sorcerers stone, and Aragorn stared at Harry sharply, suddenly.

"You chose to remain mortal, when you had the chance at immortality?" the ranger asked. Harry snorted.

"I did not wish to be immortal. I was eleven, I'd never questioned my mortality. Death was no more than a myth to me, at that age. I do not regret my decision, Aragorn," Harry said. Galadriel laughed lightly.

"You are immortal, young Potter," she said softly. Harry whirled about, cracking his back painfully.

"Run that one by me again, please?" both he and Ron said. "For some reason, it almost sounded like you said immortal."

"That I did. He will live forever, if he is not killed." Harry snorted.

"Have we forgotten the whole 'mass bloody murderer after my skin' thing? And now with these g'damned Orcs Voldemort is making-" Aragorn, Boromir, and Legolas interrupted him.

"What?" they screamed, hissed, and whispered.

Ron explained it all. To make things easier, he just explained the life stories of both of them, leaving out the fact that they were both avid Lord of the Rings fans. His audience was captivated, to say the least.

For the rest of the night, the fellowship kept giving them strange looks.

They were to set out the next morning. The Lady Galadriel gave them each a gift. Ron received a beautiful fighting knife, intricately carved with symbols he couldn't read.

Merry and Pippin got dagger type things. Harry wasn't a big fan of weapons of any sort, so he could not really name them correctly. Legolas was given a bow, Frodo a light candle… thing. Sam got a box. He looked very excited about it, too.

Harry didn't see what Aragorn received.

The fair Lady stopped, finally, in front of Harry and Gimli. She looked them over. "I have nothing for either of you, I'm afraid. What would a brave Dwarf, and a noble Elfling ask of me?" Gimli turned red and asked for one hair from her golden head. She gave him three.

"I ask of nothing," Harry said. Galadriel raised an eyebrow.

"Then I can give you only advice. Give it to him, you won't regret it. Also, you are vincible, don't believe you aren't." Harry nodded confused. He turned to Frodo, and sighed. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out his fathers invisibility cloak.

"Frodo, it pains me to say it, but I think you'll need this." He handed it to the hobbit.

"No way!" Ron breathed. "You can't be serious, Harry. You hold that thing tighter than you hold your own life!"

"I hold a lot of things tighter than my own life, Ronnie. Frodo needs it more than I do, and I've charmed it to be damn near indestructible." Ron snorted loudly.

"Yes, you've probably fireproofed it, cast a few object repelling charms, notice me not's, and a powerful imperturbable charm. Did I miss anything?" Ron asked sarcastically.

"The tracking charm, the audio charm, and it can be summoned from anywhere in the world," Harry said triumphantly.

"Freak," Ron muttered.

"Get in the damn boat, Weasel," Harry snapped. He turned back to Frodo. "This cloak will make you invisible when ever you put it on. It should cover at least you and Sam. Ron and I could fit under it together for a while, and we were each a foot taller that you, so… Yes, please, don't let too much harm come to it. It was my fathers." With that, Harry quickly hopped into a boat with Ron.

"That one stung, didn't it, Harry?" Ron asked. Harry slapped the back of his friends head.

"Shut up and row, Weasley," he growled.

Ron rolled his eyes, but rowed any way.

He, in all honesty, thought his best mate was acting odd. All summer Harry had been acting too happy. His damned godfather had been killed, right in front of him! Harry was an enigma, he really was.

Ron worried a lot for him. It's not like Ron wanted his friend to wither away and become emotionless, he just wanted him to be… normal? No, that would never work. Harry just is not normal. Ever. It was like his antibodies repelled all things normal.

"Ron, we're going to tip-" Harry tried to say, right before the boat tipped over.

Harry was not a good swimmer, especially when he didn't have fins and gills. The cold of the water shocked him pretty bad. His glasses fell out of his pocket where he had been keeping them, and they disappeared into the depths of the water.

Latching onto the capsized boat, he pulled himself up. "Damn it!" he roared. Ron, who had come up right before him, looked at him oddly. "Lost my glasses."

"Thank Merlin! Those things were atrocious!" Ron declared happily. They righted the boat, and got back in. Harry smiled at his, slightly blurry, friend.

"I know." It had been hard to navigate around middle earth with his horrid vision. Things came into focus only if he concentrated really hard. That wasn't easy to do all waking hours of the day.

"Are you two alright?" called Aragorn's voice.

"Harry tipped us. But I saved us," Ron replied. Harry glared at Ron venomously. "Kidding!"

They got to shore some time later. Ron collapsed, rather loudly, onto the ground. Harry walked around a little, trying to closely observe his surroundings. In all reality he was finding escape routes. At some point, he didn't really know when, he had become a little paranoid.

He started humming to himself, and yet was not surprised when Legolas tapped his shoulder. "Harry? Can you go get some wood, for a fire?" he asked in a soft voice.

"Sure, I'll be back in a minute," replied Harry. He walked off a little, into the woods.

Well g'damn! He was surrounded by firewood! It littered the ground like fallen leaves in autumn. He gathered enough for a fire, when an arrow whistled by his head. For some reason, he felt that 'I'm too gorgeous,' would not be a good thing to say at the moment. He turned around.

Ten Uruk-Hai stood before him. "Just bloody marvelous." Yells, and a horn blowing, told Harry that he was not the only one under attack.

These beast like …things… raised swords, so, instinctively, Harry did the same. They charged him. He didn't have any idea where it came from, but Harry had all ten down within fifteen minutes, but they got him, too. He had an arrow stuck in his shoulder.

He ran through the woods as fast as he could, until he came to a small clearing. Boromir was laying against a log, pale and bleeding from several arrows to the chest.

"T-they took the little ones," the man said quietly. Harry went and knelt next to Aragorn, in front of Boromir. "lovely, the last thing I see before I die will be him."

"I could heal you, y'know. I'm a natural healer, Boromir," Harry said. Boromir gave him an odd look.

"It's my time, kid. Do me a favor, though?" Boromir asked Harry his favor, which Harry readily agreed to.

"I will just pretend I didn't hear that…" Aragorn said. Harry gave him a few minutes alone with Boromir, and then the man was gone. Boromir had died. Aragorn, Legolas Harry, Ron, and Gimli walked back to the shore.

"There are only three boats left," Legolas noted.

"Sam and Frodo took the other two, I'd bet," Ron said. He turned to look at Harry. "Harry, you crazy! Your shoulder is bleeding."

"Really? Look, Ron! Your hair is red!" Harry said, smirking at Ron, who had instantly grabbed his head. "Aragorn, we must go after Merry and Pippin."

"Right! Off we are, then. Gimli, are you up for the march?" Aragon asked. The dwarf snorted, indignant.

He was not so sure of himself three days later. Huffing and puffing, he ended twenty feet behind the other four.

"We dwarves are natural sprinter! Very dangerous over short distances!" Gimli shouted, his voice wheezing.

"I'm sure you are, Gimli!" Ron called back. "And I am king of France," Ron muttered to Harry, quietly. Harry snorted.

"King of French fries, maybe," Harry replied.

"I resent that," Ron grumbled. "Keep running, Potter. Gryffindor needs their star Seeker in shape. We will not loose this year, mate."

"Of course not. That would cause McGonagall to kill us all in the most painful way possible." Ron burst out laughing. Sure, McGonagall was strict, but Harry, Ron, and Hermione were just about the only students to really know how much she really cared.

"Funny… HAHAHA… mental… HEHEHE… images!" Ron said. Ron started running backwards, so he could see Gimli. "Do keep up, Gimli! You're missing everything!"

Harry could tell that the Dwarf was glaring at Ron, and was holding his axe a little tighter than he usually did. "Ron! Do you remember in third year, at Christmas? Trelawney predicted our death, and McGonagall said something about a mad axe man?" Harry asked. Ron attempted running faster, but he tripped over a stray bush in the path way.

Harry helped him up, but didn't stop laughing about it for a good mile.

His lungs began to burn, and his lack of vision was giving him a headache. They finally came to a halt, but that was only because the Riders of Rohan were surrounding them at spear point.

"And what business do an Elf, a Man, a Dwarf, and two… boys have in the mark?" one man on a horse asked. Harry knew it was Eomer. Ron didn't, though, because he hadn't finished the first book. Harry hadn't gotten to the third, though he had seen all the movies.

"Give me your name, horsemaster, and I shall give you mine," Gimli announced. Eomer leapt off his horse and glared down to Gimli.

"I would cut off your head, Dwarf, if it stood but a little higher from the ground." Legolas had his bow out and loaded before Harry could blink.

"G'damn!" Ron exclaimed.

"You would die before your stroke fell!" Legolas challenged. Aragorn pushed Legolas' arrow out of a glaring Eomer's face.

"Not the best idea, Legolas," Harry muttered. "You can't go and kill King Theonden's nephew. It would be decidedly stupid."

"King Theoden?" Legolas asked, in awe. Eomer snorted.

"I have been banished from Rohan, with death being my welcome, if I return. Answer my question. What business do you have here?" Eomer asked.

"We seek two Hobbits of the Shire. They were abducted by a group of them smelly little Orcy things," Harry said. Eomer raised an eyebrow.

"The Uruk's are gone. We slaughtered them in the night. We piled the carcasses and burned them, as is our custom," Eomer said softly. Gimli looked horror struck.

"Dead?" the Dwarfs tone was sad and defeated. Harry rolled his eyes.

"Thank you, Riders. Now, unless you have four horses we could borrow, we no longer have need of your assistance. Please continue on with your business," Ron said boldly.

They were given four horses, and they made their way towards the pile of burning carcasses. Gimli found the belt of one of the Hobbits in the pile of burnt Orc.

"Mmmm. Barbeque," Harry muttered. "Ron, would you like a leg or a thigh?"

"Shut up, you dolt," Ron snapped. Harry smirked, shrugged, and continued circling the pile of bodies. The revolting, stomach churning stench of burning flesh tore through Harry's nasal passages, making him want to vomit.

Not that he would do such a thing, but hey.

Aragorn began tracking the 'last moments of the lives of Merry and Pippin', and led them right to Fangorn forest. They entered the dark, damn, evil looking forest. Gimli was more than a little reluctant.

"Gimli! Lower your axe, the trees do not like it. They are talking to each other!" Harry hissed.

"What could trees have to talk about, hmm? Besides the consistency of squirrel droppings," Gimli said irritably.

"Aragorn, someone approaches," Legolas said softly. Ron, who was right next to Legolas, raised and eyebrow.

"Common speech, dude. We may all want to know what you're saying," Ron spat. Harry raised an eyebrow at his friend.

"Wait, Ron, you couldn't understand what he said?" Harry asked, confused. Harry had understood perfectly.

"I don't speak Elf, Harry! Neither do you.. do you?" Ron asked. Harry nodded, blankly. Then he smiled brightly.

"Man! It's great to be me! I know three languages, and I only had to learn one!" Harry exclaimed.

"Aragorn, the white wizard approaches!" Legolas said, in Common Speech. Aragorn nodded.

"Do not give him time to speak. He will cast a spell upon us." Ron both snorted at Aragorn's comment.

"Yes, I'm sooo sure. Not even Dumbledore can do that," Ron said. Harry shook his head, and Ron tilted his in confusion.

"Yea, he can. Yeh ever wonder just why it is you have the need to trust him as soon as you meet him? Yea, that's why," Harry said. Ron gaped.

A tall figure, clad all in white, appeared to the left of Legolas. The figure appeared to actually be giving off a bright, blinding light.

"Yo, Whitey! Turn down the sun!" Harry yelled, covering his eyes with a hand. Aragorn turned to glare at him momentarily. Harry smiled sweetly in return.

"Show yourself!" snapped Aragorn. The light receded, showing Gandalf the… White? "Gandalf? But it cannot be! Y-you fell?"

"Aye. He fell. He's alive. Can we scurry off to Edoras now?" Harry asked, irritated. All he wanted was a shower, and a warm bed. Is that so bloody much to ask for?

"You're very impatient, young Harry," Gandalf said. Harry sighed.

"This place is giving me the heebie jeebies," Harry admitted. Ron gave him an odd look.

"Is that a word?" Ron asked. Harry glared at him.

"Of course it's a word. Why would I say it if it's not a word? I can't believe you've never heard of the heebie jeebies. Were have you been for the last sixteen years, Ronald?" Harry asked, in an annoyingly superior tone that Draco Malfoy constantly used.

"Let Gandalf first explain where he has been. Come on, Gandalf, tell us then," Gimli sat on a nearby rock. Gandalf shifted his white staff from his right hand to his left, and also sat on a nearby rock.

Harry tuned out the explanation, as he already knew about it, in favor of listening for animals. Hungry animals.

The tree canopies refused to let light in, day or night, so it was consistently dark. While not afraid of the dark, it made Harry weary. Because of his already poor vision, he didn't see well at all in the dark.

Ron, on the other hand, kept seeing things moving around his feet. Damn his terrible fear of spiders! Couldn't he be afraid of something normal, like clowns? Harry shuddered at the thought. Clowns… ew.

Harry thought for a few more minutes, then he noticed Ron had wandered off. Before Harry had much time to wonder where his best friend was, a blood curling scream echoed somewhere in the forest.

"HARRY!"

I thought about continuing the chapter… but… no. I still have more written, though, almost half another chapter. I really should learn occlumency. I need to organize my thoughts…

Cookies to anybody who can guess what happens next! I've had this next part planned the longest. I can't wait!

LAST MINUTE DESCISION! What should Harry's animagus form be?

Lion, Tiger, Cheetah, Jaguar, or Panther. I can't decide, and It's important. Ron needs one too, and I can't even think of a proper type of animal to choose from. (I want Harry to be a predatory cat.)

Leave a review and let me know, please! Lion is default, if I get no votes!

MountainDew-IsDeadly. (It is. I've had two …or three… bottles today.)