Hey everyone! I know it's been a long time since I updated, but it's been a long time since I updated anything actually. o.O I'm extremely sorry for my absence, I honestly don't know what I was doing Dilly Dallying like that. –sliding bow down—
Thank you to all who have read and reviewed so far, I hope that you will continue enjoying this story right through to the end. :3
Please enjoy.
- - - - Means lyrics
Absence
His golden orbs looked blankly through a text he had been told to read. It was a piece of history that he had read before, his parents never knowing that he had. He was staring blankly at the page, not even reading it.
There was no point in trying to concentrate when his mind didn't want to. A few days had passed since the day he had abandoned her. He had pushed his guilt away; kept it at bay. It made him feel empty, like his heart was frozen over.
They had been friends for months, getting closer with each passing day. Out of all those days, they had only fought once in the fall.
Fall…
He watched her play absentmindedly in the leaves. She wasn't humming, only looking down at the colourful collection of leaves in front of her. It made him smile on the inside, knowing that she was happy with him.
"Sesshoumaru…" she started quietly.
He didn't understand the confused expression on her face. She looked… unhappy in a way.
"Yes Nina?" he questioned with a raised brow.
"Is there… a way to become whole demon?"
His golden orbs widened immediately at the question. Why would she want to change herself? Why would she want to give away the part of her that was keeping her sane?
"You would have to trade away the human half of yourself for a part of another demon. Give away your soul," he stated almost angrily, "Why do you ask?"
"Maybe… maybe I should do that…" she murmured quietly.
He got to his feet and was in front of her almost immediately.
His eyes were serious and upset as he stared into her surprised blue ones.
"You will not do anything of the sort," he nearly growled.
"…Why not?"
"You would not be the same," he hissed.
"How would it change how I feel about everything?" she asked, getting upset herself.
How could he explain to her that it would change everything about her? That she wouldn't become a pure blooded demon, but a monster in its place?
"It just will, Nina," he told her sternly, "I forbid you from doing such a thing. You are fine the way you are."
"No, I'm not!" she growled back at him, "If I was whole then no one could make fun of me anymore… no one could treat me differently."
"So you would rather be called a monster?" he asked, daring her to answer.
"I'd rather be called that than filthy or disgusting!" she yelled at him, "You're not my parents, you can't tell me what to do!"
"Stop acting like a selfish child, Nina," he told her coldly.
His brows were furrowed as her eyes filled with tears. He reached for her hand, thinking that he was won. She knocked it away, glaring angrily at him. Her foot kicked him in the shin before she ran toward the village.
Present
Now that he looked back on it, his eyes became solemn. How could he have said such a thing to her? Even out of anger, it was a terrible thing to say to her.
"No wonder she was crying," he murmured to himself.
She should have said something cruel back to him, to get even. She never did, not even when he came to get her two days later.
He could feel his heart ache at the memory, finding that he wished she had yelled at him. He wished that she would have put him in his place… that she would have screamed at him when he had abandoned her.
Anger, that was what he felt now; at both himself and his mother. Most of his anger was directed at himself, even more so than his mother. His mother may have threatened his small friend… but he didn't try to keep Nina safe. He was the one that didn't fight; the one that just gave up everything.
His fists clenched at the mere idea of what he had done.
"Fool," he muttered at himself.
His hidden guilt tried to push itself to the front of his mind, making him push it all away again.
"Master Sesshoumaru would you like for me to prepare your bath?" a young maid asked from outside the study.
He glanced at the door before glancing at the window.
If his mother and father believed that he was in his bath… then he could have a few moments of peace outside. The rain had yet to let up in the few days, seeming to consistently remind him of what he had done.
"Yes," he replied to the maid, "Tell the lord and lady that I do not wish to be disturbed for any reason."
"As you wish master Sesshoumaru," she said pleasantly before her footsteps were going down the hall.
Turning to the window, he dropped the text and opened it. The fall from where he was in the palace was high, but he knew that it wouldn't hurt him.
"This gives me time to check on the damage that I have dealt," he murmured to himself before dropping.
If he saw the condition Nina was in, then maybe he wouldn't have to keep his guilt so far hidden. He knew that it could have also been the opposite; seeing her could make the guilt be even worse. Inside, he hopes that it wasn't the latter.
His feet moved quickly to the wall that protected the palace before jumping over it with ease. As he landed, he glanced at his sides to see if he had been caught.
Nothing…
Running, he went through the trees. The leaves were growing well with the new spring. Their buds were sprouting quickly with the amount of rain.
Time seemed to move too slowly for him to stand. As fast as he ran… it didn't seem to make much of a difference. The more he thought about seeing her, the faster he wanted to get to her. Time… that seemed to be what was going to keep them apart. The days from now till his parents' death were a long time away; longer than he wished it to be.
When the village finally appeared through the trees, he went down the hill at a quick pace; not being able to wait any longer. The old hut was a relief to see. He sat against the back of the hut, listening to what was happening inside.
"Have you seen Nina?" her mother's voice asked from inside.
"No, I haven't," her father replied, sounding uncaring, "Why?"
"She knows better than to leave the hut the day she's to turn human," he mother explained, "I haven't seen her since last night…"
His eyes widened at the mention of her night to become human. Was that what happened to them? Did they really become defenseless for an entire night?
He had never read of such things in texts of heard of such a change from his mother… If it was truly the case, then he needed to keep her out of harm's way.
Instinctively, he took off to the forest. He knew all of their favorite places; all the places that she could have been. She wasn't at the log or at the cave… She was nowhere near their special place. Running through the vast forest, it seemed like it had been hours of searching.
No place he looked seemed to matter. The rain washed away any scent, made a mess of evidence of people.
"Did she… run away?" he asked himself, making his way back to the palace.
If he wanted to find her, then he would need to wait for drier weather. If every scent was washed away, then he had no choice of finding anything in the rain.
His run slowed to a walk as his feet began to feel heavy. All this was because of what he had done. If he hadn't abandoned her, then she wouldn't have disappeared so suddenly. If only there had been a way to do things differently…
"S-Sesshoumaru?" her voice suddenly cut through the rain.
The sound of her voice brought him violently back to reality and out of his thoughts. His fists clenched at his lack of being prepared; for being caught off guard.
"Are you… still mad?" Nina asked quietly; her voice sounding broken.
He didn't answer… couldn't answer.
- - - -
Hold on to me love
You know I can't stay long
All I wanted to say was I love you and I'm not afraid
Can you hear me?
Can you feel me in your arms?
Holding my last breath
Safe inside myself
Are all my thoughts of you
Sweet raptured light it ends here tonight
- - - -
His brows furrowed at the situation and he turned his head away. How could he look at her after he had been so worried? How could he hide that worry away from her so quickly?
"I just… I wanted to see if you were still mad… but you are…" she murmured, looking at the ground, "Please… please don't stay angry… but if you hate me, I understand. I… I hate me too."
There was a violent tug on his heart with those words. No… he didn't hate her. That was the last thing that he could have felt about her. It was such a far away emotion that it couldn't have even been felt.
Small arms wrapped around his waist and he could smell the salt in the air. Even with the rain, he knew that she was crying.
"I hate me too, Sesshoumaru," she mumbled into his soaked obi.
His fists clenched tighter at her touch. He couldn't comfort her; couldn't tell her to stop hating herself… He couldn't allow himself to speak those kind words. If he spoke them to her, he knew that he wouldn't be able to put on his cold demeanor in front of her again. He would fail… and she would die because of it.
Her grip loosened and the weight of her body shifted on his waist. She had cried herself to sleep…
"If only there had been a way for me to be born a peasant as well," he whispered before lifting Nina into his arms.
She slept sounded as he took her back to the village.
At that moment, he could have taken Nina and ran far from the western lands and his wretched mother. There were no guards to stop him from it. He would have if it wouldn't have taken away from his dream to defeat his father or threatened her life. A dream… or a future? Which one really seemed more important at the moment?
He stopped just outside of her hut, knowing what he had to do. No matter the circumstances, he couldn't risk her life. Her life meant more to him than anything else. He could suffer through the guilt fighting inside him and the regret… He could suffer an eternity if it kept her alive.
"Nina," he whispered to the sleeping girl, "I will always love you."
Placing a gentle kiss on her forehead, he took her inside the hut before going back to the palace.
His mother had not been impressed with his 'long bath', having wanted to take one herself. She had scolded him and told him that he should not spend so much time in warm water. According to his mother, extremely long baths weren't healthy.
He sat in his bed chamber, thinking about what had happened only hours ago. The solemn expression on Nina's face when she had stated she hated herself… it burned a hole through him. He loved everything about her, and she had stated that she hated everything about herself. To him, it was like she was saying she didn't want him to love her…
Hanging his head, he sighed at the thought. She would never know his feelings of her. He would never get to speak those words to her, and he would never hear them from her. By his parents' death, he would long be married to some lady of the lands. It would be too late to find her then.
- - - -
I'll miss the winter
A world of fragile things
Look for me in the white forest
Hiding in a hollow tree (come find me)
I know you hear me
I can taste it in your tears
Holding my last breath
Safe inside myself
Are all my thoughts of you
Sweet raptured light it ends here tonight
- - - -
It seemed like fate didn't hold his favor at all. His golden orbs dropped to the floor. If he looked to the night sky, then he would only remember the night he had spent with her. Even looking at the floor, that didn't help much either.
His fists clenched as pain ached at his heart. He couldn't deny it. He couldn't hide the feelings from himself. He missed her dearly. He missed her small laugh and the childish grin that she gave him. Hugging her felt merely like a dream. All those things were what he needed, and all those things were what he would never have again.
Weeks passed by slowly. The rain had finally cleared from the area and the buds had fully become leaves. The cherry blossoms in the garden bloomed wonderfully with the warming weather. Their beauty was something he found easy to enjoy. Under the trees seemed to be the only place his thoughts could be calm.
He sat against a tree trunk, his golden orbs closed as a cool breeze touched his face.
Things had evened out with his daily schedule. Most of it involved training, which kept the thoughts of Nina away easily. Other parts involved studying texts and scouting the forests with guards for intruders. That was what this day was to consist of; looking for enemy demons.
With a sigh, he opened his cold eyes slowly. The petals feel from their flowers and he watched them land. He would be leaving soon, and the guards were getting ready to leave at his command. He was cautious in leaving. How would he be able to handle seeing her with all those guards around? Would they all want to kill her?
He assumed that they would.
Seeing her always made his guilt fight against its restraints in his heart. Those sad eyes that used to hold the greatest joy… they would barely even look at him now. He understood though, he wouldn't want to look at himself either. When he did look at himself, he pictured his mother standing behind him, smirking about her victory. His cold demeanor, he hated seeing that more than anything.
- - - -
Closing your eyes to disappear
You pray your dreams will leave you here
But still you wake and know the truth
No one's there
Say goodnight
Don't be afraid
Calling me calling me as you fade to black
- - - -
Getting to his feet, he started to walk to the palace gates. All the guards were assembled and ready to depart. He led them through the gates without even saying a word.
Before they could even depart, he caught the familiar scent. As he turned to the right, he saw a guard pointing his spear at her. His fists clenched at the sight. If it had been up to him, he would have ran the guard through with his own claws for even considering threatening Nina.
"Should I just kill a vermin like you?" the guard asked her.
"So I'm vermin now?" she asked coldly.
"Why you-"
He took a step forward at their conversation.
"Leave her," he ordered the guard coldly, "She's not worth the time."
He saw her expression drop with his words. Of course they would wound her, just as they wounded him.
"Master Sesshoumaru?" the guard questioned with confusion.
"A half breed is not worth killing. Leave her," he ordered again before turning to walk away.
"I don't need your mercy," the girl murmured before getting to her feet and running away.
He walked as well, back toward the palace. Why was it that she had the power to give him these human emotions? Suddenly, he didn't feel like going through the forest. All he wanted to do was sit in his room and do nothing.
"Master Sesshoumaru, are we not going?" the guard asked, still confused.
"All of you go, I shall stay here."
"Are you well master Sesshoumaru?"
"Go!" he nearly hissed.
All the guard scattered and they started to run through the forest. He then retreated to his chamber and sat against the wall. Maids and servants knocked on the door to see if he was well. He gave no reply, desiring no company.
"I hate me too, Sesshoumaru."
"I don't need your mercy."
Those words were what destroyed any hope for a friendship again. There was nothing that would bring her back to him now. She hated him…
- - - -
Say goodnight
Holding my last breath
Don't be afraid
Safe inside myself
Calling me calling me as you fade to black
Are all my thoughts of you
Sweet raptured light it ends here tonight
Holding my last breath
Safe inside myself
Are all my thoughts of you
Sweet raptured light it ends here tonight
- - - -
His fists clenched tightly at the thought. He could only hope that maybe one day she would be able to forgive him. His heart ached in his chest as he leaned his head back.
"Maybe…" he whispered, feeling an unwelcome emotion.
He saw his vision blur with water and then slowly, tears fell down his cheeks. For the first time since he was a small child… he was crying…
End of Chapter 7
So… was that alright? I'm really sorry for the shortness and that it's not as long as the other chapters. Hopefully I'll be back in the writing groove again and I'll be able to post to all of your desires. :D Thank you all so much for reading. I look forward to seeing your reviews. Please R&R, and I swear that I'll update again soon.
PS. the song was My Last Breath by Evanescence.