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"Lonestar"- Norah Jones
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-Chapter Three: Honestly-
I was being smothered.
"Bella, get off of me," I groaned, not quite awake. I was lying on my stomach, and Bella had draped her body over my back, claiming that my skin was cooler than the twisted sheets under us.
I heard her sigh in the darkness, and she rolled off of me.
"It's so hot," she wailed, slapping her arm over her eyes. I lifted my sweaty head off of my pillow, and sleepily stared at my alarm clock. It was four in the morning. For July, it was unusually hot and the sticky temperature was preventing me from getting any sleep. Bella had been restless, moving all over the bed ever since I had joined her just before midnight, and it had been getting on my nerves. I was exhausted, and Bella was not making it easy for me to sleep.
"Bella. Grab some ice or something and stop whining about the lack of a fan. We'll get one in the morning."
"That's too long of a wait, Edward. It's so humid in here." She flopped down on the bed, making it bounce, and accidently hit the back of my head with her hand. "Oops, sorry," she massaged my neck for a second. "Can we please sleep outside?" she whispered, her warm breath tickling my ear.
I looked at her, and instantly felt sorry for my poor wife. Her long brown hair was matted to her forehead, and I could see a few droplets of perspire make their way down her neck. I handed her a hair band that she had twined around my nightstand drawer earlier in the day, and I watched her pull her hair up into a messy bun.
"Better?" I asked, trying to be sympathetic. She blew out a breath, and wiped the back of her neck with the corner of her sleep shirt- a Mariners jersey she had stolen from me. She shook her head, biting her lip, and motioned towards the bedroom door. I rolled my eyes, but nevertheless grabbed the tangled sheet and our pillows. Bella hopped up happily from the messy bed, and twined her hand with mine as we walked through our dark living room before sliding open the glass door the led to the patio.
We both sighed in relief as the slightly cooler air hit our overheated bodies. It was more humid outside, and the noises of city life were annoying, but it was dark and cool and that was all that mattered. I ignored the busy street below us, and the eerie woods in front of us, as I set the sheet on the wooden deck, and threw the pillows down. I lay on the hard floor and pulled Bella beside me. We gazed up at the night sky that was illuminated by the stars, and waited for sleep to claim us.
Bella pressed herself against my body, laying her head on my chest, and let out a happy sigh.
"Thank you, Edward. I feel so much better."
I put my arm around her chest and held her to me. "Anything for you, Love."
"Edward?"
"Hmm?"
"I love you." Her voice was heavy with sleep, and I knew it was only a matter of moments before she was asleep.
"I love you too."
--
"Edward, please, get up!"
I felt Bella tug on the end of the bedcovers. I rebelliously tightened my hold on the sheets between my fists, and buried my nose in the mattress, trying to relive the pleasant dream I had been having. Bella and I managed to sneak in three more hours of sleep outside before the sun came up and blinded our eyes. Bella had gotten up with the sun and started her day, but I had barely had six hours of sleep total, so I went and took my pillow (that was damp with dew- fantastic) and crashed in bed, where I wanted to stay for the next twelve hours. But apparently, that was not going to happen, seeing as it was the Fourth of July, and we had plans with my brother and sister in law. I groaned load enough for Bella to hear me.
"Bella, go away. I want to sleep."
Another tug. She was probably using all her strength to rip the comforter off my body.
"Edward, Rose and Emmett wanted us in Port Angeles by two. Even if we left now, we would be late. I'll drive; you can sleep on the way."
Her soft voice sounded unusually loud and tinny to my sensitive ears. I felt like I had a hangover, although I hadn't consumed any alcohol in weeks. My body felt like it had been hit by a truck. My back ached from sleeping on the wood last night and my ribs ached, for some strange reason. I was so exhausted and wished that Bella would realize it and leave me in peace. Em and Rose knew how often I worked and they would understand if Bella and I were late for dinner.
All I wanted to do was sink back into blissful unconsciousness. I slightly raised the pillow that I had clamped over my head in order to speak to my wife without being muffled.
"I just worked for twenty-four hours, Bella. And this morning was awful. I'll have permanent kinks in my back from sleeping on the ground. You don't know how tired I am! If I want to sleep for a little while longer, I can. Emmet and Rosalie can wait. And there is no way you are driving the Volvo." I snapped at her, flopping back down on the bed and covering myself with the covers.
I heard her gasp, and then the sound of her footsteps exiting the bedroom, her bare feet harshly slapping against the wood floor. I heard her linger in the doorway for a moment.
"Thanks a lot, Edward," she said callously, "I was just trying to help. And I happened to like last night, this morning, whatever. It was fun." Then she was gone.
It was then that I realized how badly I had spoken to Bella. I didn't mean to sound so harsh. Damn it. Where was my verbal filter when I needed it? All she had been trying to do was help me out a little, and I all but snarled at her and insulted her driving ability. I couldn't go back to sleep knowing that Bella was in the other room with hurt feelings. I shot out of bed, and went out of the bedroom in search of my wife. I paused in the doorway, and looked back longingly at the bed I had just vacated. I was hit with a sudden wave of apprehension.
She wouldn't make me sleep on the couch or anything like that if she was really mad, would she? I didn't think my sore back could handle any other sleeping surface. Heavier issues began to weigh in my mind. Did I verbally abuse Bella? Was I already a bad husband? I had yelled at my sweet wife! What kind of monster was I? Would she ever forgive me?
I hadn't been so stupid before, but I hadn't had a lot of time to screw up either. I nervously wrung my hands together, ambling from room to room, looking for my wife.
I found Bella on the couch in the living room, ready to go. I hadn't been able to see her when I was trying to sleep, but I was awestruck by how beautiful she looked in a simple white sundress. Her hair looked prettier too- had she curled it? My eyes traveled up her form until they met her beautiful, yet red rimmed, chocolate orbs. She was staring at the television, oblivious to my presence. Her cheeks suffused a dark pink, and she was agitatedly twisting a tissue between her slender white fingers.
Had I made her cry?
Way to go, Cullen. You officially ruined your first Fourth of July with your wife by making her cry, when all she wanted to do was make a good impression on your family by being on time.
I stood awkwardly in the entryway, running my fingers through my hair and tugging on the ends. What was I going to say to her?
"Bella?" I managed, clearing my throat and stepping into her line of sight. She turned to look at me, then swiftly gave her attention back to the television.
So she was mad.
I edged toward her, and tentatively sat on the arm of the couch.
Not too close, right? I wasn't violating her personal space, was I?
Get to groveling, Cullen.
Right.
"Sweetheart, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean what I said; I didn't mean any of it. I'm just really tired, and I shouldn't have taken the way I was feeling out on you. Please forgive me?" I bit the inside of my cheek, wondering if I should apologize more.
She chewed on her lip, and I wanted so badly to kiss away the adorable pout on her face.
I let my apology hang in the air, and eventually, Bella looked at me with misty eyes.
"I forgive you, Edward. I know you didn't mean it. It just… hurt me to hear you say what you said." She looked up at me through her wet lashes, and I internally berated myself again for upsetting her.
I scooted closer to her on the couch, and she laid her head on my knee. I ran a hand gently through her hair, marveling at its soft texture and shine. My Bella was so beautiful, inside and out. I was newly determined to make the rest of the day much more pleasant.
"I'm sorry, honey," I whispered, not wanting to ruin the peaceful silence.
She lifted her head, and looked at me, and I could see the test in her eyes. I was forgiven, but she wasn't quite ready to forget.
"We should get going," she said tersely.
I let her drive the Volvo.
The drive to Port Angeles took about three hours, and I slept most of the way. It would just be me, Bella, Emmett, Rosalie, and their kids celebrating the Fourth. We had also invited Charlie to spend the holiday with us, seeing as how the Black's didn't really celebrate the Fourth of July. Bella was constantly worried about him- he was almost always alone, except for when he went to play poker with his fellow co-workers or when he went fishing with Billy Black.
My father in law hadn't really moved on, like Renee had, and I knew Bella wanted him to find someone, if not solely for companionship. Charlie was a very private person, and admittedly, not very social, but he was nonetheless an attractive and well to do man, to quote Bella. I dearly hoped he would get a girl of his own too, because he could be a little too inquisitive sometimes. For someone who didn't like to share his business with anyone else, he had no problem with being nosy and inquiring about mine and Bella's married life. As weird as it would be for me to know that my father in law had a girlfriend or significant other, I would enjoy having the spotlight taken off of me and Bella and focused on him. See how he liked it.
I was very happy that Charlie and I had such a good relationship. I welcomed his friendly teasing, knowing that he could choose to be criticizing me instead. The main thing was that we got along with each other. We would sometimes get together after work and talk, maybe taking a walk in one of the city parks, or over drinks at a small café. I treasured Charlie's company, and the fact that he had given me one of the greatest earthly gifts I could ever own- his approval over my marriage to his daughter.
I heard a lot of the guys at the station complain about their awful in laws and how they were always breathing down their necks. Charlie was great- more of a friend than a father figure. Before Bella and I got married, he played the role of the overprotective father perfectly, but now that I was 'in' he had loosened up considerably and often said that I was the son he never had. That was nice. Of course, he had his football and I had my baseball, and I thought fishing was the most boring sport in the world, but other than that, we were able to bond. I knew that it made Bella happy that we were so close.
Jasper had (finally) proposed to Alice, and my parents and Alice had gone to celebrate Independence Day with Jasper's family, in order to get to know them better. It would be a low-key event at Emmett and Rosalie's, which was perfectly fine with me. It wasn't that I was unpatriotic or pessimistic- I just wasn't in a celebratory mood. I knew Bella was still slightly upset with me for what had gone on in the morning, and knowing that she and I weren't 'okay' with each other put me in a testy disposition.
The sunny sky seemed to mock my mood, and I was all too grateful when heavy sleep took me. Bella gently shook me awake five minutes before we reached my brother's house, giving me a chance to make myself presentable.
We pulled in the driveway, and I quickly stepped out of the car, and opened Bella's door for her. She gave me a quick, appreciative kiss, before turning to retrieve the salad she had prepared from the backseat. She began to walk towards the house, but I gently grabbed her hand and pulled her back to me.
"What?" she asked, genuinely confused.
I looked into her eyes, trying to convey my apprehension.
"I really am sorry, Bella. It's just that-" she silenced me with two of her fingers pressed lightly against my lips.
"It's okay, Edward. I'm fine. We'll talk more at home, okay? We should get in there. We're already late, and we know how your brother gets when his meals aren't on time." She giggled.
I put my arm around her shoulders, and relaxed when she leaned into my embrace. I took the salad bowl from her hands, and we went up the driveway to Emmett and Rosalie's two story brick house.
--
"Whoa! Look how big the flames were that time!" Emmett gestured grandly to the grill in front of him, paused for a moment, then sheepishly looked back at me.
We were standing in his backyard, alternating between watching the kids and watching the outdoor grill, while Rosalie and Bella were putting the finishing touches on dinner inside.
"Whoops, I guess that's… really not funny." He muttered eventually when he noticed I wasn't laughing, turning down the propane a notch. I glared at him, and took the lighter fluid out of his hand.
"Just finish the burgers, Emmett."
"Jeez. Yes, Dad."
"Don't call me that, Em."
"Better get used to it. Clumsy little bronze haired kids will be running around here soon enough, won't they?" He asked, laughing.
I sighed and stuffed my hands in my pockets. He had hit a sensitive nerve- how many of my problems were going to surface today? "No, Em. They won't be. Not for a while."
He looked at me, forgetting the sizzling hamburgers in front of him that were close to perfection.
"Really? Bella holding out on you?" he smirked.
I chuckled darkly. "No, she's not. We're waiting until she finishes her degree."
His eyebrows lifted in comprehension. "That's next May, right?"
"The week before our anniversary," I confirmed.
He shrugged his shoulders, and threw a glance in the direction of the swing set not ten feet away from us. Emmalie was swinging on one of the metal swings, her little legs pumping the air determinedly, blonde curls flying out behind her.
"Not too high, Emmie," he called, before turning back to me. He rubbed the back of his neck before speaking, his dark brown eyes deep in sincerity.
"It's probably a good idea, man," he said lightly, "I mean, it's really stressful for you both right now, and you're still getting to know each other."
"That's what I keep telling myself."
"Believe me Ed, the wait'll be worth it."
I scoffed. Emmalie was a honeymoon baby. Easy for him to say.
"Like you guys waited?"
He narrowed his eyes at me, then looked at the house behind us, making sure no one was coming out.
"No, we didn't wait for Emmie and we couldn't have been any happier when she joined us. Look," he whispered, nervously glancing at the house again, "With Royce… it was different story. Please don't tell Rose I told you this, but… we had… trouble… having Royce. Put it this way- if everything had been the way it was supposed to be, Rose and I would have four kids by now, not two." He dropped his head, and I noticed his eyes were moist.
I was stunned. My sister in law had had two miscarriages? Two?
"What- Em… I… I'm so sorry," I gasped out, unable to look him in the eye.
He put a hand on my shoulder, as a comforting gesture.
"Thanks. Rose and I have made peace with it, and we know our babies are in a better place. I know that you and Bella share everything, but I think that what I just told you is something Rose was planning on telling Bella herself. She been waiting- she doesn't want to scare Bella out of having children even more than she already is. Rosalie's… difficulty… was due to genetics, and she wants to make sure that Bella understands that. But besides you, Mom and Dad are the only ones who know. It still hurts to talk about, and we'll tell Alice when the time is right."
I silently let him know that I understood, still lost in his revelation.
"It was pretty awful Edward, and there were times when I thought Rose and I wouldn't make it. But I'll never forget seeing my son for the first time. It didn't make the pain go away, but I'd never been so happy. The wait, the heartbreak, the emotional rollercoaster- it was all worth it, when we had Royce.
"You can stick it out, man. Enjoy your time with Bella. The year'll fly by. I would know- I can't believe how much has happened in the space of a year. I mean, look at you! My little brother! All grown up and married now! Speaking of, how are you enjoying married life?"
I shifted in the uncomfortable patio chair, wondering how much to tell him- some things he was probably better off knowing.
"I love it." I told him, honestly.
He laughed, his eye sparkling with mirth. "Tell me that in five or ten years."
That confused me. I would love Bella, always. Did he not think I would later on? I tried not to appear offended.
"Why?"
He just looked at me, a knowing smirk on his face. "Because that's when it'll really matter. It's easy now, Edward. You're still crazy about her. I want you to tell me that you love your marriage when you come home to burnt dinner, unpaid bills, dishes in the sink, screaming kids, and a wife who is at her wit's end. When things get hard, I want you to be able to tell me that you'd rather fight with Bella than be with anyone else."
"But I…" He cut me off with a sharp look.
"Edward. Marriage is hard. And you may think you've got it all together. But I can tell you right now, you don't. You're still discovering one another. Some things about Bella you'll be thrilled to know. Others, not so much. You know what I mean?"
"Yes. We're opposites, I know that. But what is there not to like about Bella? Sure, there are some things about her that I like more than others, but that doesn't make me love her any less."
"You've only been in three months, Edward."
"And I intend to stay in for the rest of my life."
He didn't say anything after that, and I couldn't help feeling like a petulant child. Why didn't he trust me? Did he not think my marriage would survive?
I resolved to erase any doubts lingering in his mind. My own brother. What was his deal?
"I don't need to be a mind reader to hear your thoughts, bro. I'm not trying to ruin your day, or make you feel like the little brother again. I just want you to know, it's not going to be all sunshine and roses."
"I know that, Emmett. I know."
"Do you?"
Did I? I tried, right then, to envision the scenario he had painted in my mind.
I tried to imagine unpaid bills. I tried to imagine little bronze haired, clumsy, fussy children. I tried to imagine burnt dinner. I tried to imagine a messy house. I tried to imagine an overtaxed Bella.
I couldn't do it. I had none of those things. There was a very real possibility that I would have them all one day, but right then, it just wasn't real to me.
I slumped in my seat and gave him a sheepish grin, which he returned with a knowing smirk.
"I guess… no. I really don't know."
"You will someday. Was this no- baby thing your idea or Bella's?" He asked, more curious than anything.
"Bella's." I murmured quietly, feeling somewhat traitorous.
"You don't resent her for this, do you?" his voice was suspiciously cool.
"No! Not at all!"
He peered at me, smirking. "Edward, be honest."
"I am being honest. How could I resent the love of my life?"
His voice dropped to a whisper. "Believe me, Edward, it's possible. I resented Rose- before we found out that she had a medical condition, I thought that somehow, she was preventing me from having the son I've always wanted. She…also wanted to wait before having Royce, and after… what happened, twice, I thought that it was all… my fault. That I had pushed her into it, and that God was punishing me for it. I'll never forget… watching her cry…" He abruptly turned off the grill, and sat down heavily in the chair across from me, his head in his hands.
I had begun to feel a little sick. This heart to heart with my brother was turning out to be something more than I had ever expected.
"Em… you can't think like that," I choked out, running a hand through my hair.
"I know. I told you, I've made peace with it. Doesn't mean it doesn't sting." He rasped out, his voice slightly muffled. He sat up straight, and took a few gulps of air, trying to hold back his tears. He suddenly barked out a laugh, and rubbed a hand over his face.
"Jeez. Look at me. I feel like I'm on Oprah. All this emotional…"
"Daddy! Daddy!" Emmalie came stumbling over us, dragging little Royce (who was struggling to keep up) by the hand.
Emmett's face instantly cleared, and he smiled brightly for his little girl.
"What's up, Emmie?" he asked, plucking Royce from her grasp and setting him on his lap.
Emmalie put her hands on her hips- a mini Rosalie, indeed- and said snippily, "Daddy. He was eating dirt. Again." She frowned at Royce, although it was hard to miss the love that sparkled in her eyes.
Emmett's face glowed with pride. "He did?!" he asked excitedly, peering closely at Royce's chubby little face. Sure enough, there were smudges of dirt around his mouth. Emmett couldn't have been more pleased, and Emmalie couldn't have been more exasperated, seeing as how the last time she had eaten dirt, she had been spanked.
"Daddy," she wailed, throwing her little hands up in the air. "That's disgusting. And you said I couldn't do that, so why does he get to do it?"
Emmett straightened up and looked at his pouting daughter. "No daughter of mine is going to eat dirt. You're a lady, Emmie, and ladies do not eat dirt."
Emmalie huffed and stalked inside the house. As soon as the screen door on the porch had smacked loudly shut, Emmett and I burst out laughing.
"What's so funny, boys?" My father in law said as he came outside.
"Hey, Charlie," I said, standing up and giving him a handshake, which he firmly returned.
Charlie and Em exchanged pleasantries, and the three of us sat outside talking and joking until Rosalie called us inside for dinner.
Bella and Rosalie had outdone themselves with preparing the food. I quickly loaded my plate and grabbed a drink before sitting next to Bella at the table. My mood had considerably lifted after talking with Emmett, even though we had discussed some pretty heavy topics. Talking with him made me realize that I needed to focus on what I had, and to enjoy it while I had it. I couldn't imagine losing a child, or falling so out of love. I resolved to make things the best that they could be for Bella and I. I had tomorrow off of work as well, and I was planning on taking Bella out for the day. There was a new auditorium being opened in downtown Seattle, and the weather looked promising. I wanted Bella and me to have a day to ourselves, before she had to go back to school.
After we were blissfully full, and dessert had been served, Emmett pushed his chair back from the table and stood up, grinning wickedly.
"Alright, who's ready for fireworks?" He said gleefully, rubbing the palms of his hands together.
There was a loud chorus of approval from all of us who were seated at the table, and Emmett went to go get the fireworks from the garage.
Charlie and I helped the women clean up the kitchen before taking Bella and Emmalie outside to see the fireworks, and Rosalie put Royce to bed. We stood in the driveway, and Emmett pulled a box of matches from his pocket. Charlie and I exchanged a nervous glance- Emmett and explosives was- well, entertaining.
"Nothing too crazy, son," Charlie called, a little on edge from seeing all the fireworks my brother had purchased, "Remember, you've got a cop and a fireman over here,"
"I know, I know," Emmett grumbled, frustrated that his thick fingers weren't exactly conducive to lighting the fragile matches.
I went over and helped him light the first firework, both of us leaping backwards as it shot off into the night sky. We oohed and ahhed, seeing the dazzling colors illuminate the atmosphere. Charlie helped light the next few and I stepped back, pulling Bella into my side. We sat on the cool pavement of the driveway, watching the little show Emmett was determined to put on. Eventually, Rosalie handed out sparklers, and I took mine, drawing hearts and smiley faces with it, making Bella giggle. I pressed a kiss into her hair, and she sighed happily.
Life was good- for now, at least. Bella didn't let me forget that she wanted to talk when we got home.
We eventually bid goodbye to Rose, Em, and Charlie. Bella and I silently walked to the car, and she put the keys in my hand, complaining of a headache. She fell asleep ten minutes into the drive, and left me alone with my thoughts.
We didn't say anything when we walked in our front door. I helped her put the things we had taken to Em's away, and after we had changed into our pajamas, we sat at opposite ends of the sofa, waiting for the other person to say something. It was Bella who spoke, hesitantly at first.
"Edward… you've got to stop this." What? I looked at her questioningly. She blew out a breath, her luminous brown eyes betraying her annoyance with me.
"Edward, every time we fight or have an argument, you beat yourself up for it. Sometimes, I just wish you would yell, or something, instead of just apologizing, over and over again. I said I forgave you- why can't you just let it go?"
I was shocked. She- she….she.
She had a point. I did linger on our arguments. I felt like such a monster for being so rude to her this morning. She didn't deserve me lashing out on her. She didn't deserve my ugliness.
"Edward? Please say something?" she chewed on her bottom lip, twisting her fingers.
I ran a hand through my hair.
"I'm sor-"
She leapt up and placed her palm firmly over my mouth. "Don't say that. Don't you dare apologize, Edward Anthony," she hissed softly.
She used my middle name- like I was in trouble.
I gently pulled her hand away from my mouth, and firmly held on to it, not letting her move away from me. She rested her back on my chest, and gazed at our entwined hands. No matter how uncomfortable we were with each other, we couldn't stand to be apart from each other.
"What do you want me to say, Bella?" I asked softly, dying to know what it was she wanted from me, if it wasn't an apology she craved.
"I just want you to not feel so badly every time we have a problem. Not everything is your fault, Edward. I don't want you to think it is." She tenderly ran her thumb over my rough knuckles, and I shivered.
"But Bella, how can I not feel badly, every time I wound you with my carelessness?" I asked, pressing my nose into her neck.
"I'm a big girl, Edward," she laughed softly, "I'm not as fragile as you think I am. Please, Edward, I'd be much better if you were honest with me and hurt my feelings, rather than making me feel like a child. You don't have to be so gentle with me. I'm not made of glass, I won't break. Hurt me, be honest. Don't keep apologizing- honestly, it's kind of annoying after a while."
This was all so new to me. I had never been in a relationship before and I was still learning, like Emmett said.
"If that's what you want, Bella, then okay. It's hard for me, to let things go. I don't like seeing you upset."
"Edward, if you plan on sticking around, then you're going to have to see me upset."
"I know… I just want to avoid it as much as possible."
"That's very sweet of you, honey."
I didn't say anything as I wrapped my arms around her more tightly. I heard her suppress a yawn.
"C'mon, sleepy, time for bed," I said, getting off the couch and taking her with me. She protested slightly when I swept her up into my arms, carrying her bridal style down the hallway to our bedroom.
I could honestly say that I'd never had a Fourth of July like this one before.
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AN: So. I don't like fanfics where Emmett is a goofball. There isn't enough serious Emmett. I really wanted him to talk to Edward, but without the silliness. I did not intend for their talk to become so serious, but that's the way it came out. I hope Em and Rose's "secret" was okay and that I didn't abuse the situation- it's a sensitive topic that I've been exposed to (through my extended family and friends- not me personally!), and the devastation that stems from that sort of thing is overwhelming.
And Ed and Charlie, huh? If you've read PB&J, I'm sure you've got some questions for me.
Emmalie recalled a spanking that she had gotten for eating dirt. I am not endorsing the spanking of children in any way, shape, or form. Just so you guys know and I don't get a bunch of PMs from people who want to debate the issue.
Oh- I would also like to take a moment to thank the anonymous reviewer who gave me my first flame, if you're reading this! It was actually for PB&J, but I didn't consider my story a real story until it had gotten a flame. The flame itself was pretty hurtful and rude, but thanks anyways. Of course, now I'm a little freaked whenever I read a new review, because I'm worried it'll be another bash, but whatever. Yay! I have a flame. Lol.
Please check out "Uninvited" by TheyDontLoveYouLikeILoveYou and "Reach Out" by Daywatcher. I LOVE these underappreciated fics.
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Oh- I have something for you guys!! If you review, I have a teaser of the next chapter for you- it may take me a day or two to get it to you, cos my internet is funky, but I do have one if you review!! (Please remember, I can't send them to anonymous reviewers)
REVIEW = TEASER :)