Disclaimer: I disclaim, Harry Potter is not mine! (and any other references I may use)

Monday 1 September -

Holy Shitake Mushrooms.

What was I bloody thinking?

I am the epitome of stupid.

I mean I always knew I pulled some dumb ones but this takes the cake of stupidity.

I am standing on platform 9 and ¾, staring at a very dishy male population bustling about.

What idiot took over my brain and made me think I could do this. I can't do this! Who was I kidding! Myself! That's who! I can't even contact Alice for moral support!

In fifth year, we came up with this wicked ideas to have compact mirrors that utilize Floo Powder so we can speak to each other any time.

However, as my guy self it would be extremely disturbing to be using a compact mirror.

I'm starting to hyperventilate. It's okay Lily. Deep breathing. Stay calm. You can do this.

I was just about to board the scarlet red steam engine when I suddenly found my nose slammed into the pavement.

I will take this moment to say: OW!

Why is it whenever it comes to Lily versus the Ground the Ground always wins?

"Sorry about that mate."

The collar of my robes was seized and I was quite forcefully pulled to my feet. I shook my head to clear the pain. I now make an amendment to the rules of life at Hogwarts-a-go-go land.

Rule 26: Males are very pushy, violent, competitive and just down right over zealous in their attempts to get through a crowd. Stay out of their way.

"Reckon I wasn't watching where I was going." My assailant said and gave me a firm clap on the shoulder.

I turned to give him a piece of my mind, but that piece crumbled like a cookie.

I had to remind myself to keep my lower jaw firmly connected to my upper one.

His hair was sandy blonde and his eyes crystal blue. He was abso-bloody-lutely dishy.

I am in love.

Too bad I have to pose as a I guy. I'm sure he's not …that way. I wonder what he'd think if he saw me as the real me? "She's pretty" or "She has the most amazing eyes" wouldn't be too much to hope for, would it?

Yeah that's right. He would be absolutely smitten.

Okay, mildly smitten…

Sort of smitten….

Kind of smitten….

….not smitten.

Argh! He would probably bloody associate me with a carrot! Nasty little buggers, carrots are. The giant ones especially. They randomly fall on you. When I was just a tot, my parents took me to the Land of Grease - America. They have this tradition where you can go sit on a giant bunny's lap at the nearest shopping mall and get your picture taken for Easter. I was waiting patiently for Petunia to finish having her picture when I accidentally knocked over some pretty colored giant eggs, which knocked over the photographer, who ran forward and knocked the giant bunny and Petunia over, who knocked over a giant paper maché carrot which then toppled over within a hair of my head.

We were thrown out of the mall.

And I have deduced carrots are out to get me.

But that's beside the point.

"You okay? You look a bit dazed?" Blue eyes was looking at me intently now. "You 'aven't got a concussion now have you?" He asked with genuine concern.

Actually I was simply pondering the impending threat of the supreme public menace: carrots.

But thank you for your concern.

"Erlack." I said and rubbed my hurting nose.

Excellent. Just bloody excellent.

Okay Earth, you can open up and swallow me whole now.

"Er. Right then." He was staring at me like I had grown an extra three purple heads.

I laughed nervously and made sure my voice was low and unsuspicious. "Sorry. I'm new. Lil-" Oops. "Lee Vanes." I held out my hand which he shook.

"Remus Lupin." He said. "I'll see you around." Then with a nod, he was off.

He's probably off to tell all his handsome friends about the complete tosser he just bowled over like a sodding bludger.

Remus the Bludger.

Hogwarts Train in a compartment all by my lonesome -

I have made a sort of splint for my nose out of toothpicks which I negotiated from the snack trolley lady.

Why do I not just heal it with my wand? Elementary, my dear Watsons.

I do not know any healing spells. We only start healing charms this year.

It would be vair vair ow bugger and ow ow bugger-er to get a healing spell wrong.

I hope Remus the Bludger is bubbling over with guilt that he ran into me. Sacré Bleu. Although unless my brain falls out onto the floor I will not be telling him that I made a nose splint.

Never!

In my dorm -

Ah, back to being my normal girly self, comfy in my dorm, after an adventurous day full of klutzdom.

Sigh.

Ooh.

Guess what!

I am a proud Gryffindor.

Here at Hogwarts, they have four houses: Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw and Slytherin. . They're sort of like team families based on your personality/qualities/talents/potential. They all work together to earn points with triumphs and failures. It works brilliantly with guys.

I laugh. Imagine Beauxbatons' crème de la crème working together. Bloody cat fight that would be.

Meow.

I'd have better luck with Lady Fiona.

It's wicked how they decide on your House. You're forced to sit in front of the entire school population and the teachers at the opening feast while an old, pointy, ruddy hat spouts rhetoric at the hall and then declares your house. YES! It speaks English! Sod English, it's practically alive.

Can a hat be alive?

I managed to get through my sorting with minimal embarrassment. I was a large seventh year standing among a gaggle of little eleven year olds in first year. Bet that looked queer. The 'Sorting Hat', they call it, can see everything inside your head, even the things you don't know. Bonkers it is. It was kind enough not to announce my secret directly to the hall. It was being subtle. It gasped and said:

"Well I've never seen THIS before." As soon it was placed on my head.

Subtly my foot. Secrets around here are locked up tighter then Gringotts. So naturally the whole school is suspicious.

Of course, then it announced my immaculate, endearing qualities (insert snort) to the hall and then cried

"GRYFFINDOR"

If I do say so myself, I got quite the applause. I took my seat among the other seventh years.

I think I scored a spot of the best team. Remus the Bludger is a Gryffindor. He's a pretty okay bloke when he's not bowling people over with his bludgery self. (Mind you, he's not even a fraction of fat) He congratulated me right away.

"Brilliant Lee! You're in Gryffindor! Best house there is!" He yelled over the chatter of the hall.

I saw some nearby Ravenclaws glare at him from their nearby table. Little berks. They're so jealous.

"Oh you haven't met the rest of us. On my right is Sirius Black inhaling food in ways you thought was never possible. Across from Sirius is Peter Pettigrew doing the same and between you and he is James Potter. Across from you is Frank Longbottom. Everyone, this is Lee Vanes. He's new."

"Hey." I said. Oh I am good. One cool cat.

There was a chorus of hellos.

"We're famous." Sirius said after taking a big swallow. The rest of them rolled their eyes.

"You are?" I said dumbly. Their eyebrows all raised.

"Yeah. They're the Marauders - Remus, James, Sirius and Peter. They throw prank fests on the school, 'specially Slytherin. I'm not really into it but I've had my hand in a few." Frank said.

"You've really never heard of us?" Potter asked incredulously with a suspicious look.

I shook my head.

The Marauders?

Sounds like a stupid cleaning product.

But I'm over it.

They were all bloody gorgeous. I can't help but think I've seen Potter somewhere before. Hmmm. Blank, blank, blank and nothing.

Bugger.

I will research him and his dashing good looks later.

There was a loud sniggering from behind Frank, Remus and Peter. The table to our flank was sniggering at us.

Shut up sniggering, you sniggering prats.

"I almost forgot." Remus said coldly. "Stay away from Slytherin. They're bad news." He stared pointedly at them.

One of the Slytherins splated a doughy biscuit at Sirius's head.

Sirius (without missing a bite) shot them a rude gesture with his hand. That shut them up.

I love Sirius.

"Oi Black? How EVER did you get all that eye-shadow off this summer?" Potter was grinning like the cat that ate the canary.

Alas, I now create Rule 27: Boys thrive on alpha male rituals and you are simultaneously caught up in them even if you are not a boy.

Remus and Sirius snorted into their plates while Dough Boy choked on his pea soup. The entire hall was watching now, very interested.

"I heard the big bad wolf was after you. Should we call you Reggie-Locks from now on, huh Regulus?" Potter pressed. He was looking around the hall, gloating and pleased with the humiliating response.

I don't think there is any helium in the room but his head is certainly inflating.

Jerk-face.

But a sexy one.

"Silence, mudblood lover." Dough Boy hissed.

"Shut up, Black, before I hex you into next week!" Potter snarled with new found rage. The smirk was completely erased from his face. His wand was now out. And they say girls have mood swings.

Wait, Sirius…Black. Dough Boy Black…..

Blimey O' Reilly! Two Blacks! This is vair, vair strange….

I am missing something here: a valuable piece of the puzzle.

Actually I think I am missing the whole puzzle.

I don't think I have even opened the puzzle box.

Sirius is related to the Slytherin Black but is in Gryffindor and Slytherin is bad so that must mean that Sirius comes from a bad family but Sirius isn't bad himself so that must mean Sirius isn't Slytherin because he isn't bad? Or maybe Sirius is from the same family as the Slytherins but Sirius is in Gryffindor because he is not a Slytherin.

Sacré Bleu! I am cornfused. I just confused Confucius!

What in the name of arse…….?

Prats! Those Slytherin arse wipes were talking about me while I was dazed with Confucius-ness.

GASP!

I am not a 'Mummy's Boy!' I am not even a boy!

Wankers.

I glared at them, leapt to my feet, and flourished my wand.

"Mummy's boy this!" I roared and shot a spell at them.

The Slytherins' robes changed to baby diapers.

I was amazed.

We were amazed.

It was amazing, that's why.

The whole hall laughed themselves blue. I smirked a million dollar smile, shined my new Gryffindor badge and made to gracefully exit the hall while I still had the last say. I even remembered not to walk like a girl!

I made it out of the Hall without a hitch. As I rounded a corner out of sight, I did my victory dance…..

….the klutz factor kicked in….

and danced right into a suit of armor which came crashing down on me.

Crickets.

I spent the rest of the feast in the hospital wing.

Just Eggscellent.

At least I don't have to wear a nose splint.

-

Tuesday 2 September -

Yawn. Stretch. Stretch. Stretch. Yawn. Yawn. Stretch.

The sun is shining like warm shining…planet on fire.

Good sun.

Ooh. I should floo Alice. I snatched my compact from my nightstand and popped it open. Alice's face…ermmm, what I thought was Alice's face appeared in the mirror. The mornings are not kind..

"Top of the morning to yer." I teased.

"Floo me when it is actually morning you prick." Alice spat and hung up.

She really isn't a morning person. About this time, I would be running for a bomb shelter. But I am hundreds of miles away and talking to her through a compact mirror. I am going to have some fun.

Floo-ed again.

I heard some incoherent mumbling before Alice's face reappeared in the mirror.

"Alice, it is your best pal Lily. I am calling you with wonderful news." I stated my case.

I can see her rolling her eyes.

"This had better be good. Even Dim Charlotte hasn't even awoken to begin her morning spa treatments."

"I'm terribly sorry that you happen to be in a different time zone than I but -"

"We're not in different time zones."

"I know."

"Then why did you say that?"

"Because now you are awake and talking to me." I resisted temptation to roll me eyes as her face was positively gob smacked.

"Bugger." She growled.

"But you love me."

She refused to answer that….

"Start talking. What's it like?"

So I told her all about the fabulous male population, the stupid Slytherin arses and the duel in the hall last night. I conveniently left out the part about my nose splint, the suit of armor and the hospital wing.

"Wicked. But I can't believed you pulled that off without breaking your neck. Who are you and what have you done with Lily?"

Honestly, I call her my best friend. Where is the loving support?

"Okay okay, there were a few hitches but I still pulled it off."

"A hitch as in a trip to the hospital wing."

I laughed. "Alice you are so funny."

"I wasn't being funny."

My laughter died like a broken record player.

"Maybe I knocked over a suit of armor."

"And?"

"I might have tripped."

"And?"

"Made a nose splint."

"See, doesn't the truth feel better?"

Stupid sodding therapist she is turning out to be.

"No."

"You embarrassed yourself in front of the entire school too."

I have to figure out how she is bloody spying on me. Maybe she installed a surveillance system in my shoe so they can report to her exactly when I fall over and how many people I make casualties.

"Possibly."

She started laughing. I mean not just your little giggle this was laughing until your stomach falls out.

Eww.

That's right up there with nose picking.

Shut up brain.

"Alice, you haven't got the sparkle of charm."

She didn't hear me. Have it your way Miss Funny Knickers but don't ever go near a circus. They might mistake you for a hyena.

I had a flash of inspiration and memory as I was waiting for her laughing fit to stop.

"Oi, Alice! I have just remembered why I have floo-ed." (I may have to reward myself for that later) "Do you know who James Potter is?"

"No. But he is familiar." Alice said between laughs.

Finally, I discover Alice can actually be useful.

"Ask at Beauxbatons. These blokes here are quite popular and rich."

"Point taken. Someone here must know him then."

It is revolting, but true. See what I had to live with for six years? Am I not so crazy now for bewitching myself to be a guy and running off to the other side of England while only two people in the world know who I actually am and where I am?

"Alright Sherlock, get to work!" I ordered.

"But I'm not called Sherlock."

"Yes, but you are going to be like Sherlock while you solve this mystery for me."

"But I don't smoke."

"Yes, I know but-"

"and I don't have a sidekick named Watson."

"Obviously and-

"or one of those hats."

Good Lord.

"Alice, the little aliens are paging you. They want you to return home."

Thank you reviewers who have taken the time to read the ramblings of my prattish mind. You lot are vair vair fabulous! I have nearly keeled over in shock from your support of this story. I appreciate your feedback very much! I love to know when people are enjoying what I write or even when they don't so I can make it better. Merci!

I realize that there seems to be a bit of discomfort in one or two reviews' comments about Lily being a boy and the eventual pairing with James. I assure you, James is not gay and neither are the other boys. When James and Lily finally get together, Lily will be 101 percenta girl. If you have any doubts, simply note the rating that is applied to this story. That's all I will reveal for now.

R

E

V

I

E

W