Disclaimer: You know the drill. I don't own Harry Potter but if someone is willing to buy it for my birthday I will be happy to accept.
Tuesday 2 September (continued)
Our revered and disturbingly unorthodox Headmaster Dumbledore gave another speech this morning at break-my-fast. Something about another 'interesting' year full of surprises and twists. He cleverly said "What you see is only skin deep. You'll find a person's true identity on the insides."
Is everyone trying to sodding expose me?
Pfft. Who'd want to view some bloke's guts anyways? I always found the intestines rather disturbing.
Can't potty without them though.
Shut up brain.
Schedules were handed out this morning. First thing is history of magic. Frank was kind enough to explain that the teacher, Professor Binns, was a ghost so I wouldn't get the willies or anything.
History of magic.
Bollocks!
It's about as useful as a wart.
After breakfast, we minced off to the Class of Uselessness in the polar block.
I said to Sirius as we walked, "If Binns is feeling exceedingly depressed, do you think I could say 'Ma'am, while you have suffered endlessly teaching History of Magic to delinquent boy youth, you are not obligated to inflict the dissasteriffic effects of ghost-dom on the population with living potential. Salazar Slytherin can go shove his pointed pureblood hat up the nearest arse for all I care."
Sirius laughed. "Binns used to be male. That's at least a week of detentions for the ma'am part. Then I'd have someone to stuff around with when I go." He snorted with laughter.
"You have a week of detention already?" I asked. Crikey!
"Of course. That's what Marauders do."
"Make a world record of detentions for the first week of school?"
"HEY GOOD IDEA!" Sirius yelled and clapped me on the back.
I love the immature prattish-ness of this school.
"What did you do?"
"To get me detention? Prongs and I found wanker Snivellus Snape poking around last night, so we wedgied him by his slimy, gray knickers from Polkler the Great's sword above the astronomy tower. Then we blew up the loo."
Now it was my turn to snort like a fool.
How attractive.
Hopefully I don't have any bogies dangling from my nose.
"Prongs?"
"That's James."
"Er, okay. Then who are you?"
"Sirius." He grinned.
"No, I'm serious, what is your code name?"
"Padfoot."
Bugger. I want a savvy nickname. I could be ….er….she-man? No! Bad mental image. I'll have to put that on to the To-do list.
"Don't worry, you can come along on our next public service outing."
Bloody hell, is he reading my mind? Absolutely disturbing.
"Blowing up a loo isn't a very good public service." My girly side must release some estrogen sense into this boy. "Isn't that a bit of a biohazard?"
"Only if you roll in it." He said with a laugh. He is so ludicrously pleased with himself. I crinkled my nose is disgust. Boys are weird.
"Sirius, I have always believed you were incurably crackers and criminally insane. This just proves it." I said as we entered Binns's classroom.
Brrrrrrrrrrito!
It's bloody Antarctica. Even the penguins went north.
Sirius headed off towards already seated James. I decided the knicker toaster (radiator) would be more beneficial to hold a conversation with.
Knicker Toaster -
Potter is staring at me strangely. Has he never seen someone cold before? The radiator puts out very little heat but you can't have everything.
What is it with boys?
If I was able to show my girl self, I probably would have had flobble-wobble knees and desperately needed a trip to the loo at the sight of Potter. But he is the original Ass of Jacks. I wouldn't mind supervising him taking a leap of faith.
Potter leaned back on his chair and balanced on one leg. The chair leg that is, not his leg!
I believe I have found the missing link between humans and flamingos.
Afternoon Break
Why can I not have a servant who will carry around my books for me and do everything I ask? Because I have the perfect candidate.
Lucius sodding Malfoy.
I was halfway to dreamland on the sleep express with my freshly warmed bum when the door banged open and the most gittish git strode in with a poor house elf scurrying behind him, carrying his books.
Oh rave on. I was sleeping jerk-face.
Binns gave him the evil…see-through… eye. "You're late."
Malfoy looked at him like he had curled his nose hairs.
I wonder if there is a hex for that?
"Excuse me, sir, but do you know who I am? I am a Malfoy and seeing as my father is a major patron of this school I should be allowed to break the rules at least once in a while." His tone arched arrogantly. His ego is reminiscent of that giant lurking pimple on his chin.
Bloody
Sodding
Tosser
Testosterone Beauxbaton in motion. I resisted the temptation to gag on his patent leather shoes.
What a brilliant idea.
"Lucius Malfoy. Slytherin. Death Eater." Peter leaned over and whispered to me. The poor bloke was illiterate from sleep deprivation and nap disturbance. His head thunked back onto his desk.
Poor boy.
I looked hopefully at Professor Binns. Why is he stuttering? He's a stupid ghost. He has nothing to fear because he can't die…again!
The dwindling sanity in this school is maddening.
Malfoy took a seat with his Slytherin cronies, among them was Dough Boy, whom I finally noticed sitting a few seats behind me. He looked a bit peaky.
The carrots in the baby food must have not set with him.
Thursday 4 September - School Grounds
Heading out to Care of Magical Creatures on the edge of the Forest of Superstitious Fools. Hopefully I will able to read this later. I haven't got the coordination for legibility and walking in a straight line at the same time. I'd end up somewhere completely off course, like Brazil.
The Marauders and I have planned a fabulous prank for the Slytherins tonight. Let's just say it involves -
Forest of Superstitious Fools -
Bloody niffler holes! I had fallen into one up to my armpits!
That's a huge niffler!
Remus the Bludger and Frank, with restrained laughter and delight, had to pull me out.
I could feel the redness in my face. They insisted I got the sulks like unfortunate hole-dwelling youth get.
Arses. I stated my case.
"I think Professor….?"
"Cherenkov." Remus the Bludger supplied.
"…should restrain his nifflers from running free on Hogwarts grounds. They're a hazard. While he's at it, ban pygmy puffs because they were most certainly in cahoots with the nifflers."
I hate pygmies. Absolutely loathe them. They're too…pygmy!
Remus the Bludger rolled his eyes and laughed. A quick duffing up showed him the error of his ways.
We had Care of Magical Creatures with Hufflepuff. Professor Cherenkov had a teacher-in-training. He was a rather furry lad; his face was nearly hidden behind a burly black beard. Hagrid's his name; he's a half giant. He wasn't half bad while we're talking about halves. Certainly knew his stuff. But rich, snobby boys just can't let a good thing be.
"Where abouts be you from?" A daring Hufflepuff asked.
"Me dad wus' from Ireland. Me mum wus' Scottish." He said proudly.
"Your mum must have been big." I could see the lot winking at each other.
Shut up winking.
And what is it with all the mum insults?
Your mummies must have not taught you anything about the art of insults.
Oi, just reread that. I am becoming just like them! I just made a cheeky mum insult!
I hope lightning hits me and I die. Unfortunately there is not a storm cloud in sight. Darn.
"Ay. She wus' a giantess." Hagrid added. They looked gob smacked.
That shut them up. Thank you Hagrid, but not so smart on your part. Giants aren't liked. Although don't worry pal, the chances of them duffing you up are frankly like a whale challenging squid to an eating contest.
Unless it's the giant squid.
"You're illegal then?" They were all suspicious now.
"Nah. I passed citizenship tests and other ministry tests. I am perfectly allowed ter be in public." Hagrid lifted an enormous crate with ease and set it down amongst a slew of others. "But enough about me, it's time to learn about these." He pointed to…air.
"Are they illegal?"
"Shut up Diggory." Frank hissed and Diggory glared back.
I must agree with daft Diggory. Most invisible things are illegal. I have left the valley of the nutters and entered the realm of the terminal idiots. And I have agreed with them. However, there was nothing invisible about them to me.
They were Thestrals.
I had a feeling Hagrid would ask who could see them.
"Who can see them?" Hagrid asked.
I raised my hand. And I was as lonely as the Eiffel tower among ants. Remus the Bludger and Frank seemed a bit surprised.
I shrugged. I don't want to remember who I watched die anyway. Life is supposed to be happy and cheerful not mournful. That's how my cookie crumbles.
The lesson drawled on. Frank was humming Elvis Presley and Remus the Bludger was virtually burning a hole in the Thestral with his gorgeous eyes while he was magically trying to see them. If his eyes fall out I am not picking them up.
P.U.Y.O.E. Pick Up Your Own Eyeballs.
As I let my guard down, I could nearly feel some of my girly impulses emerging. I examined my nails casually. I did the once over, but a speck of blue caught my eyes and I doubled back.
My nails were not blue this morning when I cast the spell.
But they were blue when I was Lily Evans.
SACRÉ BLEU!
I reached for my head and ripped a spot of hair out. It was black with reddening roots. Then I looked at my watch. Twelve hours ago I had cast the spell! Dumbledore didn't mention the spell had limits! SOD!
I put a sickly look on my face that I usually use on Dim Charlotte and her Wet mates at Beauxbatons whenever they speak. I always have given them full marks on the Wet Tart Scale.
I tapped Frank's shoulder because Remus the Bludger was having a hard enough time holding onto his eyes.
"I'm going to be sick. I'm heading back up to the castle." I blurted softly to him.
Then I ran for my life because it would be my life if they found I was a girl.
I heard Frank shouting I had to rush off to the hospital wing because I thought I was going to blow chunks. Thank you Radio Frank.
I covered my hair with my arms as I fled back to my special dorm in Gryffindor Tower. I only tripped once but that was because I was trying to miss a trick step. The solitary lads I passed were some sixth years singing a crude song. No biggie at all.
By the time I made it to my mirror, Lily Evans was staring back at me. Phew. That was close.
Pant Pant.
Can heads explode? Because I think mine is going to do just that. My brain was so starved for oxygen. Stupid brain.
I might have to take up Quidditch. I never saw how blokes got so fit from it. You sit around on broomsticks and throw balls. But damn, it works! I have the personal experience viewing the faby-fab-fabulous results!
Pant Pant.
I fixed my appearance and decided to head down to the Great Hall. The rest of the lads would be heading for supper any minute. Then, afterwards the fun begins.
Incognito - Slytherin Dorm
Frolicking with the Marauders on their latest prank on Slytherin, as mentioned.
Record player assembled. Part one of plan complete.
Resisting temptation to step on Malfoy's face.
Dough Boy's bed is on the end. Cannot resist using gorilla glue and feathers. (evil grin)
Portly Peter Wormtail Pettigrew is now finishing up with the perfume and women's products. (Eww not that product you sillies!)
We were just about to leave when dippy Wormtail tripped over a chamber pot.
Oh, Dear God!
Was he always an arse and a prat or was he once just a prat?
Potter, Sirius, Remus the Bludger, Radio Frank, Peter and I all froze. Peter whimpered when some bloke Nott (I read it on his trunk) stirred. Potter's invisibility cloak was lying on the floor. I followed Potter's eyes to it. He caught my eye, and I nodded. We all froze thinking he hadn't seen us yet.
"Who's there?" He muttered sleepily and clumsily pulled out his wand.
Argh. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em! I flourished my wand.
"Stupefy!" I yelled. The sparkling red spell hit him square in his hairy (EWWWWW!) chest. Nott was out like light with a blown fuse.
I gloated, then ungloated. I had aroused the remainder of them when I yelled the hex. Bum bum oi oi arse arse bugger bugger!
Potter dove for his invisibility cloak while Peter leapt to his feet.
And then we ran, laughing like the loony twits we were.
Another chapter finished in time by yours truly, twit extraordinaire, moi. I just want to take this space to thank you for all your reviews. They really keep me going especially when I run low on cynical, two-cent comments that are the mind of Lily. I'm glad you have enjoyed the story thus far. I've got loads of surprises in store! Keep reading and reviewing!
For all my readers that tend to hide, (sometimes I have nothing to say too) I hope you are enjoying it.
Arianna Leciav: Thank you for informing me of the word 'queer'. I am not aware of how that word was used in England in the 1970's. However in the Webster's English dictionary, 'queer' has about a dozen meanings; the first on the list says 'against the ordinary', which was the definition I was aiming for when I wrote the chapter.
J.E.A.R.K. Potter- Hahaha, I don't know how you can be 101 percent anything either. It was merely an exaggeration to prove my point. As for your question about 'very': I used 'vair' in an attempt to bring out Lily's tortured vocabulary as a result of a French Headmistress at Beauxbatons. I was only aiming for a simple mockery of the correct English word.
R.E.V.I.E.W!