Disclaimer: pfft! I wish!

A big thank you to PhoenixNS for her beta services and a second opinion. : )

Saturday 26 September

I am stressed.

An anxiety attack would be a terrible understatement.

I am way past an anxiety attack.

Deep Breathing.

Breathe In.

Breathe Out.

In.

Out.

What!

Don't look at me like that!

It's not like I'd last long in an anxiety attack anyways. I once passed out from lack of oxygen when I got an E on my Transfiguration Essay in third year.

Besides, everyone knows the key to stressful situations is deep breathing. I read it one of my mum's self-help books once. I'm not going to tell you that she also has a book on how to tweeze your nose hairs without professional help.

There have been a lot of disasters in history involving nose hair.

Right.

Where was I? Ah yes. Relax the mind. Ah yes. Let go of all tension.

I disguised myself under a tree in hopes that no one would notice me or disturb my ritual.

Fat chance. Frank is exhibiting martial arts in a clearing nearby for some Ministry aurors out on the grounds. He happens to be trained in nine forms of karate, six types of judo and two forms of interpretive dance. Crikey it's alarming.

Curse the people that have put me in this predicament.

Oh yes, I remember what those people are called.

My friends.

Ugh.

Why am I such an antisocial little hermit tonight?

Because of Hogwarts' very own Open House coupled with my friends' stupid logic.

I'll start at the beginning. That's always a good place to begin.

….

Earlier this week our loon leader Dumbledore explained that as a standard protocol, our parents were allowed to come up to old Hoggy-warts and walk through our schedule as well as inspect our teachers. It supposedly kept our teachers in tip-top shape, having our families inspect them. I don't know why Dumbledore just couldn't have said Quidditch and academic scouts were looking for talents and the new be-all-end-alls that would solve all the Ministry's problems.

Why can't anyone say what they mean?

Oh well, you might as well ask for the moon.

It's full tonight too.

We were asked to be in the Great Hall to meet our parents by five PM. I made sure I cast my identity spell as late as possible so it would not wear off. It's not like I had any parents coming, but I put on my best uniform….the one that looks like all the others…. minus the drool stains I accumulated from History of Magic and Ancient Runes. I even put on my Gryffindor scarf to show-off.

At five of five, I skipped down to the Common Room only to find it empty except for a few first formers afraid to move in anything less than par to a clump of wildebeest.

Bugger.

No Marauders. They didn't wait for me. Maybe they don't want to be seen with a me, a muggle-born, in front of pureblood families. Do I want to be seen with myself in front of pureblood families?

I'll run this by Dumbledore later.

Time to face reality…

I made sure I was one of the last into the Great Hall. Most kids had found their parents already who were bragging about which of their sons was better. Bloody hell, whatever powers that be must hate me. The Open House was nothing short of a prestigious even in society just like my mum holds. I must have done a terrible thing in a past life to land me here.

Most of the families had sat down to dinner. I was being gleefully ignored. I ate by myself in silence and after dinner I made my way the teacher's table to ask Dumbledore if I could be excused from society duty.

"Professor. I was wondering if I could be excused from this extravagant gala. You see I really can't be expected to attend because I am quite nearly an orphan this day and age. As a mark of my widower-hood, I am wearing black for mourning." I pointed to my uniform.

Dumbledore looked as if he was about to cry with empathy. "I am touched by your story Mr. Vanes, but your family is still on their way so you are not an widowed orphan yet. And I like black. It hides many things." said Dumbledore.

"My family is on their way?" I gasped.

"Yes, I believe they have arrived now." Dumbledore pointed to the other end of the Great Hall.

What in the name of Merlin's pantyhose….

…I take that back.

Oh Merlin in heaven please help me!

I'm DOOMED.

In my surprise I turned and walked right into the table at which the Chang family sat and spilled pea soup onto some nitwit in a wheelchair.

It was their grandmum.

Oops. I can't even walk Death Row without tripping.

Well of course I started apologizing profusely for how disturbingly klutzy I am and that Merlin has a lot to answer for in the way of my destructive tendencies.

My 'family' started walking towards me. I could only stare.

"Mr. Vanes, I'm sure even though your family is late, they would appreciate you joining them for what remains of dinner." He smiled and then began talking about the new reinforced cauldron bottoms to be released next month with Professor Slughorn.

Did I do it because I couldn't say no? Or was it because the conversation was already over.

I glared at my visitors, whom I directed to sit as far away from everyone else as possible. Plates appeared before them which quickly filled. I then decided to tackle the matter and suffocate it before it got away.

They didn't fool me with their disguise.

"Alice, what are you doing, why are you doing it and when are you going to stop doing it?" I spat as she took a sip of pumpkin juice.

"Well son, I'm here to inspect your school." She said in a throaty, tenor voice much like my own.

Stupid sodding poser!

She was pulling a….me!

Her usually very pretty curly blonde hair was pulled into a tight ponytail at the base of her neck, making her usual gentle face seem bony and snake-like. I should have pointed out she resembled Lucius Malfoy but I was not in the mood for a duffing. I don't want to even know where she got her boots to make her into six feet out of five and a half. If it didn't make her more suspicious, she was dressed in all black and a black cape.

Why hello, Batman. (Cue theme music.)

Assisting her indeed was an army, one that I normally would have called the cavalry but today that was not the case. Posing as my mother was none other than Namie Noriko, the eldest daughter of the Japanese Emperor of Magic. Namie was a true princess; her hair was never out of place, she had the most perfect shape her looks would serve as a pin up for the entire world, and she's never heard of a blemish or zit. Top that off with a very persuasive, no-nonsense attitude and you can't stop her.

Namie was not my biggest problem though. It was the other Noriko that came along. Five year old Rai Noriko - complete with princess dress, tiara and blankie - was sitting next to Namie.

She looks quite innocent right now, so you can be forgiven for mistaking the original Holy Terror with an angel.

Really, in a battle between the Dark Lord and Rai, old Voldie is going to get his knickers kicked.

"Don't you think someone will recognize Namie? I am not the son of the Japanese Emperor's daughter! I am not even Japanese nor do I resemble anything Japanese!" I hissed at them. "You are not married either! You're not even male! There are important people in this room! Someone is bound to notice!"

"You aren't a boy but you survive here. We'll leave right now if you come with us." Alice said triumphantly while shoveling some mashed potatoes into her mouth.

"No." I said sternly.

I grumbled as Rai catapulted cranberry sauce into my eye with her spoon. "Bad botty boy!" Rai scolded, then reached for the Shepard's pie and plunged her face into it.

"What other delightful vocabulary has she learned?" I asked as I rubbed the cranberry sauce from my face with a napkin.

Of course Namie thought the whole situation was incredibly funny. "You'll find out." She said gleefully.

This is what the Japanese Ministry of Magic prides as their next leaders.

Joy.

"How'd you get here," I paused to dodge a spitting fest of pie from Rai who had resurfaced. "with such stealth?"

"Flooed Namie and told her everything and she rigged a request to the Headmistress for my time because 'Nihon Novelties' was writing an article the life of a European BelleMadame bought it; you know her. The Japanese Agency of Magic set up a Port Key for us and voila." Alice explained.

"Well Alice, you are certainly doing an excellent job so far fitting in. The air of a cross-dresser about you." I teased.

She said, "I know. I look like a prat. I modeled my disguise after you."

"I am not a cross dresser!" I whispered and seized Rai's spoon and flung some spinach at Alice's face.

She gasped. "Do you know how long it took to make up my face like this! I do not have a spell for this like you do!"

See how Beauxbatons has rotted her brains without my presence? Alice never cared about make-up before. I will have to smack some sense into her…the girl way.

"It's getting loud in here, no?" said Namie, consciously looking around.

We pointedly ignored her.

"That's new, I thought it was your real face." I hissed. "I certainly hope that isn't your favorite cape Batman!" I sloshed the gravy bowl onto her uniform.

She leapt to her feet and knocked over the bench holding Namie, Rai and a few other families.

"Your aim is pretty good, Wonder WOMAN. You'd have had more of a chance as a Chaser." She sneered while chucking her goblet of pumpkin juice at me which spilled all over my hair.

GASP!

She didn't!

This means war!

"Oh yeah!"

"Yeah!"

I could have been in a room full of ostriches, but I didn't care. She was going to get it.

"Food fight!" I shrieked. Wands flew out, parents screamed and there was not an untouched bowl of tarts left alone.

I was pleased to see the Marauders giving some Slytherins the smack down.

Most of the upper society prats ran from the room and took shelter in the hall to avoid ruining their designer outfits, but some stayed and joined in when some lads began throwing limes at their rivals in chaotic drive-by fruitings.

Fruit can be very dangerous.

I was fruited with pineapple.

Namie and Rai eventually joined in; everyone still involved had already forgotten why the fight was even started. I love how childish everyone seems at this place. I am positive it was Dumbledore that levitated that cream pie onto the Malfoy patriarch's head.

Good times.

But I will still be ignoring Alice later.

………

Back to the present. Namie is coming over again for round twenty three of negotiation between myself and Alice who is moping over by the lake. I'm sure the giant squid is keeping her company. Everybody knows a squid is the best kind of friend to have.

Except for a moose.

Even better: meese.

Wait, isn't the plural of moose, moose?

But that isn't really the issue here. Point is, I am down one friend.

One best friend.

Namie looks angry. I don't blame her. There was some blue food coloring that wouldn't come out of her hair. She gave up and eventually just turned her entire mane neon blue. It clashes quite horribly against the dusk sky.

She's yelling in not-quite-English-anymore. I'd be expected to translate but I can't hear her.

Gosh, I love silence charms.

She's stamping her foot. Go ahead, but the ground is not going to go any farther away and you're not going to get any taller.

I just adjusted my position under the tree and yawned.

Ah, I see she has a wand.

I have one too!

Is that a spell?

Crap!

Later -

Injustice!

I have been forced to negotiate, dangling by my ankle at wand point! Namie and her stupid levitation charm.

She said, "Lily, don't get the mega sulks. Don't be in how you say, bad humor. Or I will humor you." Now put all that in Japanese and you have what she really said.

Then she pulled out her wand and whoosh, I was levitated over the lake.

Hmph. Alice doesn't have to be levitated.

I crossed my arms in mute protest and stuffed my nose into the air, as much as you turn your nose up while upside down.

We can't all have Pinocchio's nose.

Or Duo Chareaux's.

"Okay, now apologize. Both of you!" Namie commanded.

"I'm not apologizing for something that's not my fault!" I yelled.

"It's certainly not mine! I didn't fling spinach at you!" Alice said.

"I wouldn't have had to fling spinach at you if weren't here."

"Well next time I won't be concerned for your life!"

"My life is fine. Mind your own."

"That's what you said when the llama at the London zoo tried to eat your hair because it resembled a carrot." she said and laughed a little.

"I try not to remember that." I said through gritted teeth. Bloody carrots.

"I was just worried." Alice admitted ashamedly.

"Next time don't gear up the Batmobile just yet. You should at least meet some of these guys. They're great. Potter, Remus, Sirius, Peter and Frank wouldn't let anything happen to me! I know there is a bad lot here but…" I inhaled sharply. "…I'm alright. The world can't get rid of me that easily."

"You're right. That would make it too easy to get rid of you." Alice said seriously.

Bloody… best friend.

Damn. I give up.

"Okay I surrender. Can you put me down now?" I begged.

"Hai." Namie smiled.

Hai. What does that mean?

Think brain.

I remember: Yes.

Uh oh.

Those were my last thinkable thoughts before I was dropped into the cold lake water.

On the school steps

The Equator is warm.

On the other hand, I am not.

All because of the sodding Marauders.

I've been asked to introduce them to Alice, Namie and Rai, but they're completely MIA.

We've been searching the grounds for sodding hours.

The sodding full moon is risen.

Alice is looking worried. "They're not with their parents. Maybe they're pulling a prank? They are pranksters right?" She said shyly.

"Not underneath all these Ministry wizards' noses. Don't be dumb." I snapped. The cold was seeping through my robes and beloved scarf and I was getting irritable.

Namie said, "They didn't slip inside? It's dark. We may have missed-"

" - No." I snapped and continued scanning the grounds.

This is weird. I'm actually worried.

Rai gurgled at Namie's side. We managed to discern "cold" and "bum" from her tired slurs.

I agree with her sentiment.

"This is ridiculous! They're probably having a good laugh while we make arses of ourselves." Alice said dryly.

I said, "Who says we need the Marauders to make arses of ourselves?"

"Point well made." She said.

We squinted through the darkness.

Where's an owl when you need one? Any other time they're delivering howlers, pecking you for food and pooing on your shoes.

Suddenly, Namie screeched, "Rai? Where are you?"

We all gasped and looked around. Well, she was there just a second ago. I hope no one gave her a wand…

I saw a pink dress fading into the distance.

"There!" I yelled. We bolted from the steps onto the dark grounds. It felt like we ran for miles. If my intestines weren't below my lungs I'm quite sure they would have fallen out.

Can't forget my appendix too.

Rai trotted off towards a rather formidable looking tree and sat down at the base.

"Rai!" We all yelled desperately. I had even abandoned my male voice. This is how concerned I am.

"Doggie dog dog." She babbled as Namie approached her.

"Rai. Never do that again." Namie shrieked. She made to scoop Rai up, but never made it. In the blink of an eye, Namie tripped and was whooshed into the ground.

Apparently there is a hole there.

Alice screamed as Namie disappeared and I rolled my eyes.

They've never had proper hole experience.

Thank the nifflers that I'm suitably trained.

I picked Rai up. "Namie? Daijobu?" I called.

No answer.

Alice is chattering with fear like granddad's dentures.

"What if she's hurt?" She whimpered.

"That's what we're going to find out." I said.

"Beg pardon. We?"

"It's only a defect in the Earth." I said and gave Alice a little push before jumping in myself.

I hear her screaming on the way down.

She's doing quite splendid.

I know this is sooooo not what everyone expected and I felt the effects too; this chapter was hard to do. I hope it turned out alright and it pleases you all!

Thank you for all your reviews! I cannot believe how much positive feedback I am getting for this story! I'm really glad you're all enjoying it and to my shadow readers: I hope you're finding entertainment as well. Keep reviewing and I will keep writing!

Elspeth Renee - Since this story is 99.998 percentabout Lily, it wouldn't be very fair to keep her out of the action for long, now would it? She will play but I'm not going to say how. wink wink

Sirius protégé - Alice won't be going to Hogwarts permanently, but she isn't out of the picture. Her main role is yet to come, so for now, she's just there to give Lily high blood pressure. That can't be healthy….

Fading slowly -I don't know how Lily controls her hormones either.