This chapter's long. I spent a while on it, trying to make it perfect. Maybe I succeeded, but I wish I'd finish sooner.
As you know, this story is for Sandy, aka sandy2x400 on here. She's taking a break now... I don't know how long, maybe forever. I don't know what to say to her but I have a billion things I want to say. Mostly that I'm here for her. I know at least part of what she's going through. I'm not really concerned whether or not she'll read my stories, I just want to make sure she's okay, but there's no real way to do that. Sandy, may your dad rest in peace.
As for others... I know some of you guys don't like each other and flame and whatnot, but I really have nothing to say to you except it's really stupid. You may not like someone, but you shouldn't try to put them down. I don't know what kind of person would do that. Fanfiction isn't the happy place it used to be, and I know I'm not a big writer on here, but I just hope that whoever sees this will understand that flames are not the way to go. If love is a drug, then get me high. Okay, I won't try out my lame jokes on you guys anymore :S
So anyways, there's a lot of references to stuff, see if you can catch them.
Disclaimer: Yeah right, and I own fanfiction too :P
It hurts.
I can't express how much it hurts. Not just physically, but emotionally too.
I can't believe I did this.
I'm lying in bed the same day while Nate's out with his little band, not knowing what I've done.
Tears absently flow out of my eyes and I don't even try to wipe them away. I know I'll be crying for a long time. I softly lay my hands down on my stomach. It doesn't feel any different, but I know better.
It's empty.
I'm totally alone now.
It's just me, myself and time.
Only time can tell what will happen. Will Nate hate me? Will he leave me? Break off our engagement?
It's not so much that I want to get married to him as it is what it represents. If Nate breaks our engagement, it means he's done with me, that I've gone too far.
Though I already know I've gone too far.
When I hear keys rattling in the front door, I know my time has run out. I hold my breath as I hear 3 sets of feet shuffle in and 3 voices laughing and joking around.
"Mitchie!" Nate calls out, still chuckling at whatever joke was told. "Come out here, you need to meet the band. You'll love them."
A few more tears drop out before I answer. "I can't. I'm sick."
I hear muffled talking before the door opens and closes again, indicating that the two other guys left.
Nate opens the door a couple seconds later, his face more serious than it had let on to be earlier.
"What's wrong?" he asks as he puts his hand on my forehead. I slightly flinch, tears slowly trickling down my face. "Hey, are you okay?" Nate asks again, looking me in the eye. All I see in his concern, love, and sympathy.
What the hell have I done?
"I-I don't fe-feel so well," I stutter out, refusing to meet his eye again. If I do, he just might pick up on the guilt and pain in mine.
"Where does it hurt? Is it something you ate?" I tense up when Nate gently places a hand on my abdomen. He softly rubs it before looking back at me expectantly.
"Maybe it was all the stress these last few days. You know how prone I am to stomach ulcers," I weakly smile at him. He gives me a sympathetic smile (my favorite kind *insert sarcasm here*) and grabs onto my hands.
"It's okay. You should stay in bed for a few days, you don't want to get the baby sick, now do you?" He stands up and starts walking away, completely missing the mini waterfall of tears that cascade down my face.
I have to tell him...
"Nate..." I call out weakly, quickly rubbing away the wetness from my face. He pauses and turns around. "I... I-I... love you," I choke out. I couldn't tell him.
He smiles brightly, one that makes crinkles appear around his eyes and mouth. He takes a few strides til he's at my side again. With our eyes connected, he places his hands on my chest. "As I love you," Nate says slowly and meaningfully. He then moves his hands onto my stomach and puts a bit of pressure on it. "And I love you too," he whispers...
To nothing.
I start silently crying as Nate softly places his head on my stomach. He closes his eyes and starts humming.
"Do you think he can hear me?" he asks after a bit, opening his eyes to gaze up at me with his chocolate orbs.
I stare at him for a second before answering. "Of course," I lie hoarsely.
He smiles up at me, giving a quick kiss on my forehead and stomach before getting up. My heart beats heavily in my chest as he walks through the door but hesitates in the middle.
"I'm going to mess around on the drums, it won't bother you two, will it?" he asks, genuinely concerned.
"It won't," I murmur absently.
It won't because there is only one of us now.
I was silent that night when Nate crawled into bed with me, and again in the morning when Nate got up. I stayed in bed all day, occasionally getting up only to go to the bathroom. Finally, at dinner time, Nate got tired of my zombieness.
"You know, when I told you to rest, I didn't mean for you to totally disconnect from us," Nate chuckles as he tries to get me out of bed.
"Nateee," I whine halfheartedly. "I really don't feel like it."
"Come on, a little bit of soup and salad outside this room isn't going to kill you, now is it?"
I stare up at him with my arms crossed stubbornly around my chest.
Nate sighs. "Just think how much the baby will like this."
I give him a murderous glare as my eyes tear up. He mistakes this as a look of defeat and finally pulls me up. I reluctantly follow him out of the room and to the table which already has food set out. He pulls back the chair and I sit down, looking at the food blankly as he takes a seat across from me.
"Mitch, please, just eat a bit," he says softly, reaching for my hand over the table.
I look up, on the verge of crying, and nod. I eat under his watchful stare, feeling the confusion radiating off of him. I look back at him, seeing the concern written all over his face and make my decision.
It's time.
"Nate..." I start, looking back down at the table. It's easier if I don't look at him. If I don't see the hurt and betrayal in his eyes. "I got an abortion," I say bluntly, and like quickly pulling off a bandaid, it's over.
I study the tabletop as Nate stays quiet. After a minute, I look up at him. He's slumped back in his chair, devastation all over his face.
"Why?" he asks almost silently, barely moving his mouth.
"You know why," I mumble.
His face hardens, anger replacing sadness and disbelief. "Is it that bad to have a kid, Mitchie? That bad that you had to kill it?"
"I hate this life you have me set under. I'm 19, not 40, I shouldn't have to worry about this yet!" I yell back, not wanting him to put the blame me.
Even though it's all my fault.
"But you do, Mitchie. You were having a baby! You have to grow up sometime," he argues, shaking his head and standing up.
"Why should you care? It wasn't even yours!" I can tell I hit a nerve when he stiffens.
"You're my fiancée, I have to care," he says lowly, leaning over the table to stare me in the eye.
I start to get pissed off and say the one thing I know will push him over the edge. "What if I don't want to be?"
Silence.
And then he walks away.
Nate sleeps on the couch that night, despite my constant apologies. He wouldn't talk to me. When I wake up the next morning, he's gone. I see his note as I walk to the kitchen, in desperate need of coffee. I notice his elegant writing on the fridge, so I pick up the paper and read.
Mitchie,
What you told me last night killed me. You know how I feel about that. To think that you'd get rid of a baby - our baby - for your own selfish reasons made my blood boil. I'm sorry, I didn't want it to get to this but... I can't be around you. You took my perfect little family dream and shattered it into perfect little pieces. I need a break. Don't worry about me, I'll be staying at a friend's house. It's you I'm worried about.
-Nate
I stare at the way he signed off. He usually goes Love, Nate or xo Nate. Now... I just get his name.
I really messed up.
I sit down numbly, not knowing what to do. Without Nate... I'm nothing. He's the one that kept me together ever since the... rape.
I need to clear my head.
I suddenly remember the coffee shop that Tess told me about. What better place to get good coffee than a coffee shop? I scrounge around in my purse, looking for the little card I had absentmindedly put away a few days ago. I finally find it in the bottom, next to my phone and makeup. I pull it out and examine it.
Lava Java Cafe
132 South Street
I nod, thinking of how to get there as I pull out my keys and head to my car. On the drive over, my head is full of thought, random thoughts jumbling around. Some of Tess, some of Nate, some of that night...
I look back up to see I'm already at Lava Java and I quickly park on the street. I take a breath before entering the shop.
It has a nice homey feeling, I can see why Tess said it wasn't really her thing. I look around a bit and see the guy she must have been talking about standing behind the counter, currently taking someone's order. He had straight black hair that was kind of on the longish side, part of it covering his brown eyes. I smile and get in line. Eventually, it's my turn.
"Hey, what can I get for you today?" the guy asks me without looking up, still putting the money from the previous customer away. For some reason, I feel like I know his voice from somewhere...
"I'd like a cappuccino, please," I answer, still smiling. He looks up at me and freezes for a second before smiling back.
"What size?" he asks, licking his lips a bit.
"Oh, umm... a small." He nods and types it in the cash register.
"That'll be $3.25. What's your name?" When I don't answer, he looks up at me with a raised eyebrow. "I need your name for the order."
"Oh..." I mumble embarrassedly. "It's Mitchie."
"Hmm... Mitchie. Your name sounds familiar," he says thoughtfully.
I shrug and look at his name tag. Shane. "It's not that common. Maybe you know another Mitchie or something, it'll stick in your head."
Shane nods. "Well, you can go wait over there," he says as he jerks his head to my right. I smile and wait over to the side as he takes other orders. Every few seconds, he takes a glance at me, making me blush since I'm already staring at him.
Wait, what am I doing?
I just had an abortion, not to mention I'm engaged. I think.
Now that's an interesting question.
When Nate said he needed a break, did he mean the engagement's off or he'll come back and we'll live happily ever after?
Pfft, as if that'd happen.
So am I allowed to feel these things for Shane? To act upon them?
"...Mitchie? Mitchie!" Shane's voice pulls me out of my thoughts. I focus my eyes to see Shane holding out my cappuccino to me, an amused expression on his face.
"Oh, sorry," I mutter, taking the drink and turning around to take a seat. I'm surprised when he starts to take off his mini apron and comes out from behind the counter, following me to my table.
"Umm... what are you doing?" I ask, slightly alarmed.
"Well, I just got on break, and since you seem lonely, I thought I'd join you. Do you mind?" he smirks at me as he pulls out a chair for himself.
I lightly blush. "I guess, if you want to..."
He smiles and leans back in his chair, studying me. I start drinking under his gaze, slightly uncomfortable but enjoying his company.
"I haven't seen you here before," he comments, placing his hand on the table and playing with a sugar packet.
I shake my head as I finish my sip. "My friend suggested it to me a few days ago, I just got around to stopping by."
He nods. "Do I know your friend?"
"Maybe. She said the only reason she came was because of you," I shrug.
"Oh, it must be that blonde girl then," he chuckles, shaking his head. "She came in every day last week, never ordering anything and just holding up the line trying to flirt with me."
"Sounds like Tess," I agree.
He smiles at me and continues playing with the sugar packet, opening it and swirling the sugar around on the table.
"Aren't you going to have to clean that?" I ask. He shrugs in response. "What's the point of making a mess when you know you're gonna have to clean it up?"
"You gotta live life for what you want to do. Otherwise, you're just living to die and not dying to live," he says, not even looking up at me.
I raise an eyebrow. He doesn't look like the kind of person that would be deep. He finally looks up at me, smirking as if he knew what I was thinking.
"I'm a lyricist, I know how to word things." I look up at him, interested in this new development of his character.
"So you write songs?" I ask to clarify.
He laughs. "Yeah, unless you know another kind of lyricist. I also sing and play a bit of piano and guitar in a band I just joined."
"Wow, you're pretty stacked in the music department," I comment as I finish my cappuccino.
"I guess. I play here every Friday night. You should come sometime," he says nonchalantly, but I can hear the nervousness in his voice.
"Are you asking me out?"
"Only if you say yes," he smirks, his eyes playfully challenging me.
I giggle. "Well, how about we go somewhere else, like a restaurant or something."
"I can do that," he nods. As I reach to clean up the mess Shane made on the table, something catches his eye.
"What's that?" he murmurs as he grabs my left hand. I freeze as he examines my engagement ring, rubbing the white gold band and gazing at the small diamond. He looks up into my eyes, questioning me without speaking.
"Oh, it's nothing," I assure him, sliding the ring off my finger and placing it in my pocket. But now I'm reminded of Nate again. Is it wrong to take a date with Shane? Should I tell him? Say I can't go? Tell him-
"Oh, well I'll see you tomorrow then?" Shane asks as he gets up, a bit of confusion still in his eyes.
I smile and nod, grabbing his hand and writing my number on it. "You're gonna need this," I giggle out, trying to take his mind off my ring. Shane instantly smiles, seemingly forgetting about the whole fiasco.
Too bad I can't forget.
After talking details with Shane, I finally go back home. Well, I wouldn't exactly call it home.
Home is wherever Nate is.
I shake my head as I walk through the door. I have to stop thinking like this. What if Nate does come back, before the date, and sees what I've done? That I've technically cheated on him?
Or even worse, what if he comes back just to get his stuff?
A few tears trickle down my cheek. And to think all of this could have been avoided if I didn't get an abortion. If I had only stopped being so weak and just accepted the responsibility of being a mom.
I collapse against the wall and start crying. Not exactly sobbing, but something rather close.
This is all my fault. I didn't have to go to the party with Tess. I didn't have to drink stupid Adam's drink. I didn't have to go in the room with him. And most of all, I didn't have to get an abortion.
All my actions seem to push all my loved ones away.
I pull my engagement ring out of my pocket and look at it, I mean really look at it. I didn't appreciate the simple beauty it had when Nate had proposed because I was still in a daze. However, now I can see how something so simple, a small sparkling diamond set in the middle of a plain white gold band, could be so beautiful to me.
Because it was from Nate. Straight from his heart.
The one that I'd broken into perfect little pieces.
I take a deep breath before I slowly get up. Whining and crying isn't going to do anything about the situation. I pull out my cell phone and hope that Nate will answer. Maybe he just needed to cool off, get away from me for a bit.
Well, he did make that perfectly clear in his note.
I let out a defeated sigh when the rings end and it goes to his voicemail. I try calling him again, but I'm surprised when it goes straight to voicemail. Either he turned off his phone or he's screening his calls. I decide to stay on the line and leave a message.
"Nate, hi, it's me... ummm, Mitchie," I say hesitantly after the beep. "Please, I'm really sorry. I don't know why I did it." My voice breaks before the end as I start crying again. "Nate, you know I love you. I was just really scared and stupid and... Just please call me back. I need you." I hang up and start taking deep shaky breaths. He's never ignored a call from me before. He's never been this... this insistent on removing himself from me.
He's never hated me before.
Do you know what it's like to have a loved one hate you? And for it to be all your fault?
Consider yourself lucky.
I don't know why I didn't just call Shane and cancel. But what could I say? "I'm sorry, I don't think my fiancé would approve of this." Yeah, that'd go over well.
I'm pulled out of my thoughts when my ringtone starts blaring.
"Hello?" I ask, hoping that Nate's decided to finally call.
"Hey, ahh, Mitchie?" I hear Shane's voice on the line. It'd be an understatement to say I'm disappointed. "There's a lot of traffic today, I think it'd just be easier if we met at the restaurant. You okay with that?" He sounds genuinely concerned. Too bad I don't really care.
"Sure," I say flatly and hang up, not even letting him say goodbye. It may be rude, but it hurts to have your hopes crushed.
35 minutes and one headache later, I'm pulling up to Justin's, the restaurant Shane decided to take me to. I notice the cloudy sky as I park my car. I wring my hands as I walk up to the entrance, not sure if I'm nervous because I'll be hurting Shane shortly, or because I know this will hurt Nate.
This is totally messed up.
"Mitchie!" Shane calls out from my right. It's a rather fancy restaurant, so some people glare at him, but he doesn't care. His brilliant smile can light a powerhouse and the sparkle in his eye is entrancing.
Too bad it reminds me of the sparkle of my ring, crushing any feelings I may have had for him.
"I'm glad you could make it," he smiles again, taking my arm. I weakly smile back as he guides me to our table, much like a maître d' would. "So, I thought that maybe we could get lobster, but it's rather expensive, and you see, my coffee job doesn't bring in much money, and the band doesn't bring in any at all, so-"
"What band are you in again?" I interrupt him. Talking about bands has jogged something in my memory...
"Oh, we just started it. It's called Connect Three, since there's three of us and music connects us all, haha, you get it?" Shane chuckles, but I'm too busy thinking, connecting the dots (no pun intended).
"Who are the other members?" I ask, my brows furrowed.
"Oh, there's Jason, he's a real character, and Nate-"
"Oh my God!" I almost yell out, my hand quickly covering my mouth as I stare at Shane in disbelief.
"What's wrong?" Now Shane's the one with furrowed brows.
"Nate... he's kinda sorta my fiancé," I mumble through my hands.
Shane stares at me for a few seconds, confusion and disbelief written all over his face. "What?" he asks incredulously. "Wait, so you're... you're that Mitchie?"
"Apparently," I nod, confused with this whole situation. Really? Am I really on a date with one of my fiancé's best friends?
"Wow..." He sits back in his chair and continue staring at me. "Wow! How is this... why are you here with me?" Shane looks slightly angry at me.
"Wha-"
"You know what I mean! You did something to Nate. He came over to my house all disheveled talking about something you did. He was a mess, which is highly unusual for him."
I can't move. Nate's been at Shane's house all this time?
"Where is he now?" My voice is so quiet I'm surprised Shane can hear me.
"He left for Jason's right before I came here." Shane starts rubbing his temples. This was a lot more than he's asked for.
"I...I gotta go there," I murmur. I feel like I'm gonna faint. How am I gonna drive a car if I can't even walk?
Shane sighs. "Jason lives out of town and Nate doesn't have a car. He's probably going to take the train." I nod and get up, barely aware of what I'm doing.
"Hey," Shane suddenly calls out to me. I turn around and look at him, still stunned. "Be careful, okay?" I briefly smile and nod before leaving the restaurant.
I have to make things right.
I jump in my car and quickly turn on the ignition. I speed over to the train station, praying to God that the train hasn't left yet. Strangely, the closer I get to my destination, the more stormy clouds roll in. Just as I pull up to the station, it starts raining. And when I say raining, I mean it's pouring cats and dogs. Maybe some horses too.
My heart skips a beat when I see one lone figure waiting on a bench, getting soaked from the rain. I quickly grab my umbrella from off the floor and fling open the door, sprinting over to him.
"Nate!" I yell out, but he doesn't hear me over the noise of the rain. Opening the umbrella, I slow down to a jog as I approach him.
"Nate," I say as soon as I'm in hearing distance of him. He looks up and it breaks my heart to see him as he is. His eyes are bloodshot and his hair is flat, but more than that is the pain I see in his eyes. He sniffles and looks down at his hands. I quickly sit next to him, but not too close, and try to cover him with the umbrella.
Hmm, does this remind you of something? Because I swear this is almost like déjà vu.
"Do you ever think about what could have been?" I can barely hear him, but it's there.
It takes a few seconds before I can answer. "All the time."
Nate looks back up at me, this time holding my gaze. He studies my features, making me feel a bit self conscious, but I wouldn't stop him for the world.
"How'd you find me?" Nate sighs, wiping his face dry from the wetness. I don't know if it was raindrops or tears though.
"Well... Shane told me..." I tell him hesitantly.
Nate raises an eyebrow but otherwise doesn't question me on how I know Shane.
"I got your message," he says after a minute. We'd been sitting in silence, not exactly uncomfortable, but definitely not a comfortable silence. It just was what it was.
I nod. What can I say to that? Ask him why he didn't call me back? Why he was screening my calls? I already know the answers.
"I know this probably doesn't mean anything, but I really am sorry." I look down in shame. There is no way to describe how much I want to take back the last few days, the last month actually.
"I know," he simply says. "But... there's nothing we can do about it now." I close my eyes tightly. "I know you're hurting and it wasn't right of me to just leave you. But I just... I couldn't believe you'd just..." He stops once he realizes that every word he says is like a knife to my heart. "I'm sorry," he whispers, and does something I'd never thought he'd do again.
He tilts up my head and gives me a small kiss. Just for a second. But it's enough to make my heart jump.
"What's done is done, and the only thing we can change now is the future." Nate gives me a small smile and intertwines our hands.
"Nate, I did something else while you were gone, I-"
"Shh," he interrupts me, placing a finger on my lips. "It doesn't matter, I have a feeling I'd be better off not knowing." Right in one.
I suddenly remember the ring. I'm not sure where we stand now, but I'm pretty sure that getting married is not our top priority. More like salvaging our relationship. "What about this?" I ask as I pull out the ring.
Nate gently takes it from me and inspects it, almost as if he had never bought it in the first place. He finally smiles and gives it back to me, closing my hand around it.
"Keep the ring. Think of it as an investment for the future." I roll my eyes. Of course, the business side of Nate strikes again.
"Nate, shut up and kiss me."
And so he does just that.
Nate's forgiven me, and maybe, just maybe, I'll forgive myself too.
We're taking the first step to cleaning up the perfect little pieces of our lives.
Please review, tell me what you thought. This is the biggest story of my short writing life. :) And definitely go read Sandy's stories.