Disclaimer: Nothing. Nothing at all.
I really don't care when…
After this, I'm going to disown my mother.
"LILY ANNA EVANS! Engaged! For the love of God!" The horrid woman shrieked.
Doesn't that make you want to run for cover?
As she reached me, she pulled on my ear as if it wasn't large enough to hear her already BIG mouth.
"How could you do this to me without my permission? I was scouting you a husband all your life and you betray me and choose one behind my back. Is that any way to show appreciation for the woman who bore you? If these are the kinds of things you are keeping from me, I can only imagine what you've done in your alone time with him…" She ranted in my ear. I could swear I even felt a slight shower of spit occasionally.
If she thinks she can coerce me into respect and her own ideal arranged marriage then she has another thing coming.
"Are you listening to me? You haven't said anything yet?" My mum shrieked.
Her nose-hair ought to be trimmed. It's sticking out her flared nostrils like a forest.
"Er, yes mother."
"I want an answer!"
I've got two options:
1.) Tell her the truth – that I'm not engaged and that the girl was a lying slag while getting off with little-to-no punishment.
2.) Receive the most severe punishment of being forced into coming-of-age parties, and house arrest to ensure I don't see my "hubby" again (which might not be as bad as I thought).
I fancy the latter, but I'd never be able to go back to Hogwarts if I had her constantly checking up on me. Though I could get her thrown in prison for the mass execution that will ensue if I said number two.
"Well mother…-" I began, but she cut me off. Hypocrite! I can't even give her the answer she demanded.
"I never imaged you could be so wayward!" Then she started ranting again about some thing one of her conquests has said, or did, or something.. I could care less.
I listened for I don't know how long before I made an interesting discovery:
My eyelashes don't flutter! Seriously! All the girls at Beauxbatons practice it on each other and give pointers.
Gross.
But I still can't do it. I can only imagine I appear to be having a seizure as I try. All in the same, I have duds for eyelashes!
I demand a refund.
While I'm at it, I'm pretty sure I'm malfunctioned; Can I get reimbursed for myself too?
My mother noticed my disinterest and decided to get revenge.
"So, I have chosen a suitor for you."
She's officially insane.
"You'll just have to call off whatever you've arranged." She grinned maliciously.
I'm insane. I suddenly wished I WAS being married to Potter. He would be better than THIS.
"Pardon?" I said politely. I try to keep a cool, collected and calm exterior. She takes great joy in knowing she's under my skin.
"You heard me."
Sod! She saw right through it! Well if you can't beat 'em, confuse the hell out of 'em.
"Mother, I'm so pleased you're taking such an interest in my life. Really, I don't think I could find a woman who cares more about me. I am…interested… that you've found me a husband rather than my own. But tonight, Charlotte has told me that Mischa's cousin Mikalah told her that her third cousin Miciah has arranged for me to meet Alice who will be escorting me to her cousin's house for Halloween. I think we best continue this conversation through post, as I have a long journey ahead of me and I am just too tired to fend you off." I sighed, and pressed the back of my hand to my forehead.
I am so good.
The look upon her face was priceless. It was a mixture of shock and utter confusion.
"Bye then!" I began to walk away.
"Don't you dare!" I heard my mother's hiss, snake-like, which is an appropriate comparison.
Uh oh. I began to run towards the school – back to the Lounge - where my passage to Hogwarts lay.
I could hear my mother's lady-like requests ("GET BACK YOU BRAT! LILY ANNA EVANS!") as I ascended the stair in twos. I scampered into the Great Entrance. Ran to the left, another left, then to the right until I smacked straight in to….
Sirius.
And his family, including Dough Boy. I knocked them all over as I experienced inertia and my clumsy quotient.
My mother rushed around the corner in hot pursuit. She immediately flared like a firework when she saw the mass entanglement of limbs on the floor.
"Lily! What is the meaning of this? Are you daft?" She asked in horror.
I detangled myself from the pile so I could look at her with my best innocent act. I crouched on my knees so I even looked like I was pleading. Let's review the checklist for the innocent act.
Air of Remorse: yep
Big Green Bambi Eyes: got it.
Saddened posture: no problem
"Oops?" I tried.
My mother tutted. Whether she fell for it, I did not know. However like always, she tried to clean up my blunders to keep the name of Evans from being utterly and completely disgraced from hell to heaven.
"I'm so sorry about my daughter. I've tried to correct her awful affects but she is just so helpless." She said as she pulled each family member to his or her feet.
I noticed Sirius was staring at me with wide eyes.
Idiot.
He acts like he's never seen a girl before.
He continued staring without blinking.
Yes, Sirius, girls are part of your species. We are not space aliens, unless you're Alice. You can stop staring.
He didn't listen to my telepathic messages. Whatever. I can't be bothered.
I was alerted when my mother let out a cross between a whimper and a scoff. Who I'm assuming is the Black matriarch shoved my mother's hands away as my mother tried to dust their robes and apologize profusely.
"Stay away from us filth! You'll regret this day you wench!" Black's mother wailed. Behind her, Regulus protectively ushered the other family members away from us, except for Sirius, who stayed rooted to the spot.
What? I thought my mother was uptight, snotty and rude. If there is a book called 'How to be completely evil and unlikable', these people have got it. Why it's almost as if they're….
Pureblood.
My mother is a muggle. My mother's touch is probably the greatest insult of all to them.
Suddenly, I was so proud of Sirius for staying where he was and treating my mother like she wasn't a virus.
I saw my mother's lip quiver, and felt retched for leaving her so vulnerable. She may be a wanker in her own rite, but she never let me unprotected.
This is Lily Evans, evil to angel in .02 seconds. I'm coming back from the Dark Side.
"Sorry for the accident, but you've no right talking so ill to someone who's only trying to help. Please, apologize, or leave." I said. Last thing any of us wanted to see what a fight. I highly doubt they would give a second thought about using the Killing Curse on my mother.
Sirius caught on. "I'll deal with this mother. Go find Narcissa and celebrate."
"Do our name and Lord proud Sirius." His mother hissed with her own snake-like tongue. Why does everyone sound like a snake? Is it a new trend!
The Black family left.
My mother was still quivering and shaken. I sent her on her way to the Dining Room to grab a cup of hot tea that was always available at a small condiments table. When she was out of sight, Sirius spoke up.
"Lily huh? I remember you. You're Jamsie's conquest. We saw you in the Hog's Head a few days ago."
Conquest? I sound like some uncharted country with trees, badgers, and massive elks and bison. I bet my natives look wicked. They could be midgets wearing exotic masks and grass skirts. I can picture them at a pow-wow.
"Yes, let's not talk about Potter. What are you doing here?" I asked.
"It's my cousin Narcissa's birthday. We're visiting to celebrate." Sirius looked suspiciously over his shoulder. Then he looked back at me. "Listen, I'm sorry about my family. They're a piece of work."
"I can tell." I chuckled a bit even though it was not necessary.
We both jumped as a door clattered in the distance. Sirius shifted nervously for fear his family was returning.
"Quick!" I opened a nearby boom cupboard and shoved him into it, then slammed the door.
"Sorry love, but James has his eye on you. He's done nothing but talk about you since you met. I'm not going to snog my mate's love interest in a broom cupboard." He grinned cheekily. He nudged me suggestively with his arm, which I was entirely prepared for, and I teetered and then toppled to the ground.
"Oops." He said.
I take back anything good I ever said about Sirius. Stupid, stupid idiot boys. I stood with all the pride I had left. Then…
I boxed him on the arm. CRIKEY! My hand! It hung limply from my wrist! His muscles are as hard as his head.
"Bad idea mate. Looks like I win." Sirius was grinning like a …stupid grinning fool. Shut up grinning, you grinning prat.
"I am not going to date James! I have bigger problems!" I hissed.
Oh dear. I've joined the snake movement. Next thing we'll be building churches to worship snakes.
"Problems, like what? Why were you running?" He baited. I scoffed when he sat cross-legged on the floor, as if preparing for a long list of problems I had.
I do not have that many problems!
"Because my mother is choosing suitors for me whom I don't want to marry. So I told her I was engaged. And to get revenge on a gossiping girl who wanted to know who it was, I told her I was engaged to Potter." I said. Soooooo pathetic
Sirius roared with laughter. I resisted the urge to box him in the face. How glorious that would feel.
"This is the best! James will be so happy." Sirius shouted.
"Shhh! No he won't, because you're not going to tell him." I threatened.
"How are you going to stop me?" Sirius taunted. He stood from the floor, as if to emphasize how much more powerful he was than I with his large frame. Oh rave on you elf. Size doesn't matter.
"I'm coming to Hogwarts with you."
"Hogwarts? You could never enter there. It is a boy's school- Hang on? How'd you know we all went to Hogwarts? I don't recall us having our uniforms on in Hogsmeade?"
Smelly brown stuff!
"I…. uh.."
Very intelligent.
"I don't understand." Sirius was thoroughly confused. Nothing new there.
"You see…." I started. Here goes the biggest decision of my life. To tell or not to tell. I'll have broken various promises to myself, others, and a lot of school codes. Plus, there is the issue of the size of Sirius's mouth. Would he blabber to the Marauders and the school? My life could be over if I tell Sirius. So what to do?
It would be nice to have someone who knows who I really am when I return to Hogwarts. He also defended my mother, and didn't going on a mad campaign to kill all muggle-borns in the world. That's noble…and trustworthy.
I can't believe I'm saying this. I will deny I ever said this, and when the proof is shown to me in this diary, I will probably kill myself. However, getting to the point, I trust Sirius. May the force be with me.
"…I think it's better if I show you how I'm going to stop you from telling Potter."
Now, Sirius was interested.
And right there, I transformed into Lee.
Mwahahaha what a twist of events. Bet you thought I was going to stop here and leave you at such an evil cliffhanger. However I am just too nice to do that. Read on!
Why are girls' clothes so tight?
Blimey, his mouth is hanging wide open. I can see his tonsils. Charming.
Sirius is simply staring. I'm starting to feel uncomfortable.
He stuttered. "L…L..Lee?"
He is one of the greater idiots of the world.
"Aye."
"You're a girl!" I thoroughly enjoyed the gob smacked look on his dishy features.
"That is what they call us." I teased.
"I knew…" He began pacing. "there was something different about you from the start, but I was not expecting this. This is….." He paused thoughtfully.
"Witty, clever, genius?" I supplied.
"I was going to say disturbing. But I give you points for hoodwinking. What spell is this? Can I use it to enroll in Beauxbatons to be surrounded by beautiful girls all day?" He began examining my look for a magical seam line that might give me away. I suddenly felt as if I were being examined by that flashy lady back at Hogsmeade.
"Flawless! Perfection!" He declared
I always knew I liked Sirius best.
"Where'd you get this spell?" He asked. Still turning me over and over and examining me.
"Dumbledore."
"Dumbledore gives crossdressing spells to students?"
"I am not a crossdresser!" I snapped.
What an awful toerag.
"Bullshit. You are dressing like a man. I don't want to know what else that spell provides you with!" He said disbelievingly.
Grrrrr! I huffed indignantly.
"I wonder how many other boys aren't really boys in the school." He said thoughtfully. "There's many suspects, such as the Slytherins, and Horace Manning in Hufflepuff who we're all quite sure is-"
Ewwwww!
"SIRIUS! I'm sure I'm the only one." I said disapprovingly. When had I gotten to be so proper?
"Awww." He looked disappointed. With his head casually lolling side to side, he sauntered to a small window. He was silent for a moment, just gazing out at the grounds. "Let's go back. There's nothing here to do." He said lazily.
"What do you have in mind?" I asked.
He grabbed a broom. Astonishing! The wizarding world keeps brooms in a broom closest. Amazing! They were not invented solely for snogging couples. A great mystery has been solved.
Just call me Nancy Drew.
On second thought, don't. It would just be better this way.
Sirius muttered a spell, and kicked open the tiny glass window. He hopped out onto a hovering broom. (I didn't know he could do that)
"No offense, I like Lee, but I'd rather carry a girl on my broom. It makes for better style not to see two blokes flying around on a broom pressed against each other. I don't swing like that." He said, and extended his hand.
I changed back to Lily, but I didn't get on the broom. I do not have a death wish.
"Sirius, you think no one will notice that we've gone missing! Half the school is looking for me!" I argued and crossed my arms as if to prove my point.
Merlin cannot say I didn't try.
"Lily, love, don't be daft. Or stubborn. Or a prat. Or…nevermind. See, my family will think I killed you, and then ran away to James's house like I always do. Your family will think that you ran away to see your hubby again. All paths lead to seeing James. I'm sure he wants to meet his bride…again. If you're really worried I'll send your family a ransom note for your body. I've always wanted to steal away a pretty girl anyways." He winked at me.
I cannot believe his nerve.
"Well when you put it like that…" I looked around suspiciously. You never know if there is a midget hiding in the corner listening to everything you say. Shut up, brain. Shut up.
My mind went blank. Lily to brain! Brain is loosing control! May Day! My arm has suddenly placed itself in Sirius's hand, and he's pulling me towards the broom. Leg, why are you mounting the broom! Stop it. I demand to know what's going on! Answer me brain! I am giving you permission to talk this once and ahhhhh!
Whoosh! We were off.
Sirius and I flew off into the sunset, towards who knows what kind of trouble.
As we've all learned, trouble loves me.
Thank you to all my lovely reviewers! I was soooo touched sob by your encouraging comments. Little Lady will live forever!
Now I just want to ask because of the foreshadowing, what kind of trouble do YOU think Lily will get into.
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