Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Flying…..

"Sirius! Just exactly where are we going?" I yelled over Sirius's shoulder as we flew miles above civilization. Then again, I can't remember the last time I met a civilized person who wasn't whomping around like a Neanderthal. Yet taking such lack of culture to such heights is a bit extreme, don't you think? Well? 2000 Kilometers is a bit high.

You may ask why I have gone completely bonzer enough to entrust my life to Sirius. However, many things happen for reasons we don't understand, or are just too stupid to comprehend. Then it occurred to me.

"Sirius, do you know the way back to Hogwarts-a-go-go?"

"What? Of course I do Lily my love. I'm a man. I always know where I'm going." He said confidently.

Of course he doesn't know.

"Why don't we ask for directions? I'm sure I saw a town a little way back." I offered.

"No."

Oh my giddy aunt. I believe I have stumbled onto a conspiracy. All boys in the world are out to annoy me. Especially this one in particular.

"I'm serious!"

"No, I'm Sirius. You are Lily." He grinned cheekily.

Do not roll eyes.

Do not roll eyes.

Do not roll eyes.

"Sirius, I am this close to strangling you." I stuck a pair of my pinched fingers in front of his face. He would see how SERIOUS I am even with his back turned to me.

"Eesh. James is going to have his hands full taming you!" Sirius squealed and inched away from my body on the broom.

I scoffed, offended. "TAMING ME?"

"Er, I mean….taming your beauty. Yes, taming your beauty. You are one beautiful beauty you fire breathing dragon– OW!"

I mock shined my knuckles while Sirius sported a striking black eye. But before I could admire my work, the broom began plummeting towards the ground. In fear, I gripped Sirius's waist to the point where I thought I saw him turning blue.

Blue makes him look dishy, but not when we're falling thousands of meters.

"Sirius! We're going to DIE!" I squeezed him more. He gagged, sputtered, and squeaked like a rubber chicken at the mercy of my grasp.

"Well if you hadn't boxed me, I wouldn't have lost concentration on the spell and we wouldn't be falling." He spat.

"I don't care how you do it, pull this broom up now!"

"If you stop SCREAMING IN MY EAR maybe I could think!"

"Have you ever thought about anything? Honestly, when was the last time you put your mind to anything?"

"Once I…um…oh shut up!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No-" I let out a high pitched wail as I saw us approaching something else that is blue, and I don't mean Sirius's complexion.

The ocean.

When Sirius saw the ocean, he joined in screaming like a little girl.

Oh Giddy God's pantyhose, we're going to crash!

Screaming like little girls, we plummeted into icy waters.

We've left the Valley of the Mad and have entered the Arena of It Has All Gone Terribly Wrong.

Cold, wet, and pathetic, Sirius and I huddled together in a small rowboat Sirius transfigured from the broom. At least the boy is useful for transfiguration.

We're probably floating in shark-infested water, where the sharks will eat our frozen clammy bodies after we die.

And I am sitting aboard the M.S. Useless.

Why do I have such bad karma?

Oh, I can see the sharks now, cackling about what a wonderful meal they will have.

They say hallucination is the first sign of death.

Cherishing that lovely thought, I wrapped my arms tighter around myself and glared pointy, lethal daggers at Sirius. He must have felt the Voodoo effects because he soon glared back.

"This is all your fault." Sirius argued.

"My fault?"

"If you weren't such an irritating know-it-all we could be at Hogwarts right now!" He yelled.

Know-it-all. I AM NOT A KNOW-IT-ALL! Why is everyone calling me a know-it-all lately?

I secretly pulled the head off my Sirius Voodoo doll in my mind in hopes that his real would come off. It didn't. Damn.

Moving on.

"Sirius, I said ask for directions! You said you knew where we were. I don't remember the Atlantic Ocean being in between Hogwarts and France! We are half-way to America! I am not prepared to eat hamburgers for a lifetime! And then you transfigure a rowboat? Why not an ocean liner? If I die out here, I'm going to kill you." I seethed.

"It's impossible to make an ocean liner from a broom? Size does matter! How many threats do you make in a day woman? That's got to the seventy-seventh one on my life today! You are insensitive as a brick."

A brick? I know I have red hair but comparing me to a brick is just unfair.

"It's not a threat. It's a promise." I promised him.

"Well, then how about you stop talking and do something yourself!"

I grumbled. He has a point. I may be awful at transfiguration but I knew other spells. I grudgingly looked around the misty waters. I see…Erm…nothing…and nothing and….a shiny yellow light! No! It's impossible. I'm imagining things like when fools get lost in the Australian outback and get so hot they make things up. That's it. I'm simply crazy.

"Sirius, do you see that light out there?" I asked bitterly.

"It's probably just a sign of the afterlife to which I will gladly send you." He huffed, crossed his arms, and turned his back on me.

Tosser. Typical boy. I am so close to giving up understanding them.

"It's coming towards us. I think it's another boat!" I cried, and shot red sparks into the air, a well known symbol of emergency.

"Anybody ou' there?" Came a gruff voice through the mist.

Alpha and Omega! I'm saved. I will kiss my rescuers shoes when we land ashore.

"Yes! Over here!" I cast lumos and waved my wand tip around frantically. Within seconds, a wily black beard attached to a rather giant bloke came through the mist.

"Hagrid!" I heard Sirius yell from behind me. Then he gasped and tapped my shoulder. "Lily," He hissed. "You're a girl!"

Oh heaven on Earth! He's finally caught on!

"Of course I am!" I snapped back and continued waving my wand.

"ARGH! You are truly a handful Lily. Hagrid can't find you like this!" He spat. He seized my wand and shoved me off the boat.

I screamed as I plummeted into the chilly October waters.

"Change now." Sirius hissed. He quickly cast lumos on his own wand, extinguished mine and handed it to me once I had resurfaced.

Doesn't he realize that it isn't that simple? Typico. Sirius doesn't think about the preparation that has to be done. There is mood planning and make-up removal! I also must find a Hogwarts robe to replace this Beauxbatons one. He obviously did not think of that when he kidnapped me.

This is so cold, and so unfilled with dignosity. Stupid snake-boy. If I catch pneumonia in this water, I will kill him. Everyone knows pneumonia really builds character but – what am I saying?

"Lily! Get a move on!" Sirius pleaded quietly to me.

Fancy this: We're being rescued, which I am responsible for, and the minute we get help arrives at our flank, I am shoved from the boat and told over the side of the boat I can only be saved unless I am a boy.

I glared at Sirius, and mentally shouted 'Boys Schmoys'

He gave me a meaningful look, full of meaning 'Do As I Say!'

Oh all right. I muttered the spell and changed. At least this water will explain why I am now sporting a tummy-showing jumper, a very tight skirt, and my knickers have made the worst wedgie the world's ever seen.

And now for a word from our sponsor:

'The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our luck, but in our knickers that we are wearing.'

Thank you Caesar for your words of wisdom. It was unfortunate you were murdered by people you trusted. Don't worry, it's getting more and more common. Just talk to Sirius Black.

I gripped the rim of the M.S. Useless as Hagrid arrived at our side in his own fine Italian gondola.

Not. It was a rickety pothole probably made of splinters peeling off the shrieking shack.

I think swimming to shore is safer. Has anyone ever swam across the Atlantic Ocean? Ooer. I could be a first!

"'Re you two mad? Ou' on the lake on a cold night like this; Madame Mar will have your heads." Hagrid mused.

We were on the school lake the entire bloody time! This is so humiliating!

"What can I say Hagrid? I am a man of many adventures." Sirius grinned. Stupid grinning fool.

I think he fancies himself as cool. What is the matter with boys?

I was too busy aiming mental death threats and telepathic messages at Sirius to pull me out of the water until I noticed a tentacle has wrapped itself around my leg and pulled me under water. My cold, wet fingers slipped off the rim of the boat. I struggled and splashed for help not far from the boat but boys are idiots. They didn't notice. They kept on talking.

"You're a Marauder all right. Bloody troublemakers, but still the best thing that ever happened to this school. I've never seen those pureblood filth so scared." Hagrid said, and offered a hand to help Sirius out of the boat.

"Thank you, my kind man." Sirius bowed charmingly to Hagrid, who looked around cluelessly.

"Oy, wasn't there another lad here with you? He screams like a little girl if you ask me." Hagrid said.

On cue, I screamed loudly in the background as the squid tossed me into the air. Beggars can't be choosers, because on the bright side, it wasn't eating me.

"Girl?" Sirius laughed nervously. "That was me. I stubbed my….femur."

"Ouch. That must hurt." Hagrid shook his head as if the femur were a tragedy. Thank Merlin there are some dull crayons in the box.

"But um…see," Sirius looked around the boat. "Lee seems to have misplaced himself." He peered over the edge, at the same time I was tossed mercilessly into the air again by the giant squid, which has denoted me as its new toy.

"Sirius!" I yelled, and was tossed again.

I finally got his attention. His mouth gaped, his eyes widened like saucers, and his hand slapped his forehead in disbelief.

"Bloody hell…I am going to DIE when she…I mean…. he gets down from there."

"You win some you loose some." Hagrid mused as they watched me endure tossing torture. Both stood nonchalantly with their arms crossed upon their boats.

"I think I never I won." Sirus muttered, and finally started throwing spells at the giant squid.

I am going to kill him.

"Sirius Orion Black! What took you so long?" I had straddled Sirius in the shoreline grass, and we wrestled in between moments where one of us scored a pin. Nevermind that Hagrid was staring like a scared puppy. Nevermind that I had forgotten to use my boy voice. Nevermind that Sirius had rescued me. And nevermind that I was dressed like a male prostitute.

Hagrid looked confused. Poor bloke. If I cared, I might have been too.

"Would you quit it? If I didn't know you were a girl, I'd box you in the face. And it doesn't help that you spied on us, even lived among us for a month, and you know all of our secrets!" Sirius growled as he pried my fingers away from his throat.

"I though you Marauders were like brothers who let no harm come to another! Next time, use yourself as a play toy to the giant squid!" I shouted as I managed to halt him on the flat of his back as we fought in the grass.

"Lily, if you'd be more grateful and less superficial, maybe I would have been inclined to save you sooner." Sirius growled and forced me onto my back and pinned me.

"Well, I was scared!" I blurted. Sirius stopped wrestling me. His features softened when he saw my eyes that had undoubtedly welled up with tears. I removed the spell because at that moment, I couldn't take being a boy any longer.

Sirius sensed my discomfort, and rolled off of me to save my dignity.

"I shouldn't have told you my secret. It's going to be so different." I rolled over onto my side and covered up my tearing eyes.

Good Lord, when did I become such a girl!

"You thought it wouldn't be?" I could feel Sirius's incredulous look on my back, before he softened and placed a comforting hand on my shoulder.

"I'm sorry…for" I began until I was interrupted by a throat being cleared.

Hagrid's beady eyes had grown to the size of small saucers. He stared at us unabashedly.

Oops.

Bet this scene looks innocent.

"'Ello Hagrid. This isn't as bad as it looks." Sirius tried.

I feel a nervous breakdown coming on. If I smoked, you wouldn't be able to see my face behind the ten fags I'd have in my mouth.

"I knew you were a ladies man Sirius, but do you care to explain this?" Hagrid asked, distrust now evident in his voice.

"She's not here for a shag if that's what you're thinking." Sirius said nobly.

"Well then, enlighten me." Hagrid growled.

I involuntarily shivered. Sirius noticed and tossed me his cloak.

Sod. There was no other way out of this. I wrapped the piece of cloth tightly around my body and over my head. I looked like Sister Helga down at the local Cathedral.

"Hagrid, we'll tell you everything, but can we go somewhere less freezing and less open?" I pleaded.

When he saw my lips tremble, his eyes softened. Thank Merlin for girl power. Glaciosity all the way!

"I've got a cabin on the outer rim of the grounds. We can have tea there. And no funny business. And no lies either." Hagrid warned with a sturdy finger as we marched towards the quaint hut on the edge of the grounds.

"Well then, it's a good thing we've only got the truth to tell." Sirius pointed out.

"Like anyone will believe the truth" I muttered.

As I expected, Hagrid barely believed my story, though I really don't care what he thinks. And now, Sirius and I trudged towards the castle.

Fate must have an alarmingly strong desire to see me dead. It is my fault I'm here in the first place, but that's beside the point! I declare, the only reason I am not dead is because fate is having trouble deciding between lynching and the drawn and quartered set.

Personally, I like drawn and quartered.

"I hope it receives sadistic pleasure from my misfortune. Taunt me, tantalize me, play cruel jokes on me, oh great universe. Spit on me with bad luck, for I must have committed a sin so terrible, it is unmentionable, such as picking your nose in public and then eating it. (not your nose. I mean the bogie)"

"Um, Lily?" I received a tap on my shoulder.

Oh woe is me. Oh-

"Liiilllleeeee!"

Party Pooper.

"What?" I croaked. Oh my, that was attractive. Sirius looked at me, puzzled.

"I thought you were possessed. You were spouting a soliloquy like Billy Shakespeare. It sounded quite mad too."

I paled. "I said that aloud?"

He nodded cheekily. "Tell me, do you always think like that?"

I boxed him on the arm, which again did nothing. Then I cracked like an egg and began giggling because I'm just mad.

Eggscellent. Why am I such a girl?

We entered the castle without any event. Sirius had forced me to hide my hair beneath a 'habit' he made from his cloak. He said my hair would stick out. I don't know what he's talking about. He tried to make me change to Lee, but I suggested that I would stick out worse if I had misshapen clothing that was made for a girl.

We used a Marauder passageway to bypass any stragglers still in the corridors. Once we were safely in front of the Fat Lady, I removed my habit. I made sure to flick my hair precociously at Sirius, the codfish that made me hide it under his cloak.

"Don't you love adventure?" Sirius teased.

Har de har har.

He playfully plucked the sleeve of my jumper. The poor shred of material was mutilated from Lee's biceps, and caked with mud from the lake shore. My hair was damp, uncombed, and hung about my armpits. My skirt….we're not going to even go there. I lost my shoes in the lake. (What do you expect?Heels don't fit onboy feet!)

Sirius was in much better shape than I. His tie was completely misplaced. (Probably on the lake shore because I tried to strangle him) His blazer was gone, and his shirt unbuttoned three times. He had some mud smeared on him as well. He had his shoes…and pants! I openly admit that he was a sight to drool over. I would have snogged him right there if he wasn't Sirius Black.

"Cheeky." I muttered. "Get on with it already." I urged and nodded at the portrait.

Sirius grumbled.

I grinned.

Before Sirius could mutter the password, the portrait swung open and in the opening stood…..

James Potter.

Oh my giddy aunt.

Oh the suspense!

Thank you so much for reading my fanfic! You have so much patience and understanding putting up with my excuses and the workings of my …strange mind. My chapters are dedicated to you, the reader, always.

Recently, I have evaluated Little Lady's progress. In a month or two, the story shall be a year old! Looking at my plans, I realized that I am not where I wanted to be at this time with the story. I am thus making it my top priority to finish it on schedule. It shall be approximately 25 chapters at this point.

I have also made plans to eventually replace my authoress's note with a short intermission scene. The note has no purpose in this story any longer.

I had my wisdom teeth out recently, and I took the time to write this during recovery. I confess, I was on narcotic painkillers; excuse the randomness and probably, the idiocy displayed in this chapter.

Then again, maybe you can't tell the difference!

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