Disclaimer – I sooooooooooooo don't own Harry Potter. But if JKR wanted to wrap it up and put it under my tree this Christmas I would be most obliged to accept it.

Sooooooo delayed, blame glitches, work, life, and marching band. Yes, I am a band geek and a proud tenor saxophone. But alas, I did not give up on this story and I am touched by those who kept nagging me to update. It really helped give me an extra push, believe me.

Nice and long and full of my apologies.

Hospital Wing

I burst into the room, ready to strangle via snuggle. "I'm so gl-" the words died in my throat. "Merlin!" They didn't look as they should.

All ten of them might as well have jumped from a plane without parachutes. On top of that, a stampede of hippogriffs happened to be running by as they hit the ground.

In short, they looked terrible – pale, giant bruises, stressfully swollen red eyes, and about half had at least one shiner. The broken bones must have been healed.

Draught of the living dead, anyone?

All were sleeping except for Sirius who stared sullenly at the wall, and Hiiro Chang who spooned a sloppy mush dinner to his mouth.

With a nod to Hiiro, I approached Sirius and waved my hand in front of his blank face. He grinned slightly when he saw me.

"You got off easy." He chuckled as he did a once-over of my slightly bruised physique.

Thinking of Snape, I replied "Yeah right." bitterly.

"You're still better looking than I."

"I don't think that's possible."

"Who did this to me? I'd like to throttle him for doing this to my movie star looks." Sirius indicated to his lovely shiner.

"Dun'no yet. Dumbledore has confiscated the wands and has yet to present results from Priori Incantem." I shrugged.

"When I find that bastard…."

-Censored with good reason.-

As Sirius kept rampaging with not-so-nice words I slowly closed his curtains around him and cast a silencing charm.

It's curtains for you Sirius. HAAH!

Not.

I quietly tiptoed over to Potter's bed; he was fast asleep. I gently played with his hair before I realized who I was and I also reminded myself that I was not queer. I stuffed my hands in my pockets to stem my desire to run my hands through that unruly hair. He looked like he had what had been a broken leg and arm, plenty of bruises on his arms and bare chest (I inhaled sharply), and his face.

"You know, you could just tell him rather than watch him in his sleep like a stalker." That annoying face was poking out from between his curtains.

What a cheeky berk.

"You're finished swearing then?"

"No."

More censorship. Jeopardy theme

"Done."

"Good." If he weren't injured badly, and I didn't pity him now, I'd give him a good slap upside the head.

Awkward silence.

"So uh….how are you going to tell him? I don't think it's possible for you two to shag when you look like that." Sirius stated blatantly.

I was so taken aback I nearly choked on my own saliva.

What can I say? I grew up in a house were sex, drugs, and shags were strictly inappropriate for casual conversation.

The indignant little snot bag….

My mouth opened and closed a few times but nothing came out. Blowfish imitation is the new trend.

Breathe Lily, breathe

In

Out

In

Out

Don't go into psychotic red-head rage.

Just be logical and everything will be fine

"I just don't see how the biology would match up."

OH MY BLOODY GOD!!!

HOW CAN EVERYTHING BE FINE?!

Cancel that pity, and who cares if he's injured. With complete disregard for my wand, I leapt at Sirius like a feral tiger and showed him a good duffing up…..

The muggle way.

Keep your eyes on the floor.

Look mournful.

Look cute.

Pretend you care.

I am the official biggest sap to walk the earth

"Mr .Vanes, I understand your deep friendship with these boys, and boys will be boys. But I don't see how a muggle duffing assisted Mr. Black in healing." Dumbledore glanced at me over his spectacles.

"Really, sir, I was helping him to heal his terrible case of verbal diarrhea." I pleaded, somewhat honestly.

I heard a snobby snort from Madame Mar behind me.

Meanwhile I gave Dumebledore my best puppy eyes.

He looked stern for a moment, then winked at me.

"Madame Mar, would you please leave Mr. Vanes and I alone for a few moments?"

She looked positively offended, yet delighted that I wasn't just allowed to walk out of Dumbledore's office. With a grudging smile on her face, she scuffed her shoes rudely and obnoxiously as she exited

It might be the schizophrenia.

Now all I have to do is figure how to get off scott-free and get 10,000 miles away from Sirius - the necessary distance to avoid mass destruction.

Only thing I can think of is: spontaneous human combustion.

I can fake my death and then run away to…Cambodia….where they will never ever bother to look for me. In fact, they shouldn't even be looking for me at all since they will think I'm dead.

Perfect plan really….

A bit too theatrical….

But I always believed in going out with a bang.

"I assure you Miss Evans, you need not become a fugitive." Just like that, my disguise melted away.

I jumped right out of my seat.

This just plain stinks. Dumbledore can read minds.

toilet flush There goes the plan.

I was told to sit in a red plush fireside chair. Dumbledore gently ran his hand along the fireplace mantel, taking great care to stare into the flames in an overly zealous pensive state. I began picking at a spot of ruby red nail polish that had begun to chip since my last trip to Beauxbatons.

"Aside from your recent disappearance, and your almost murder, I'd say you better start keeping a low profile Lily. I've smoothed your disappearance from Beauxbatons over with your parents, and I've done all I can to keep the recent events out of the Daily Prophet, but anymore displays and I will be responsible for revealing you. Too many are already suspicious. Should you be found out, most grievous consequences could come about." He placed himself in a chair across from me.

"Death!?" I whimpered. I don't want to die!

"No. A life sentence to St. Mungo's, perhaps."

"Roger that." I saluted him.

"With that said, I have news of the incident between Slytherin and Gryffindor." He paused for a painfully long while before continuing. " I'm afraid, the curse came from a Gryffindor."

"WHAT!?" I was out of my chair and had Dumbledore by his collar. "Those actions are below Gryffindors. They wouldn't do that!?" I mindlessly rambled.

Dumbledore removed my fingers from his shirt, and only stared into his celestial ceiling.

Seconds…

Minutes…

And more passed.

"Frank Longbottom."

Was all he said.

Thank god I have a strong bladder.

I can quite honestly say I am the biggest bloody idiot to come into existence in the history of the world.

He wouldn't.

He couldn't.

He can't.

I started shaking my head.

I looked at Dumbledore with big eyes before bursting from the room in feminine glory. As I tore through the halls, I got plenty of stares and maybe even a few wolf whistles, but I was blind to it all.

I arrived at the hospital wing. The only thing that kept me from bursting inside was the sound of a delightful womanly voice. I peered through the keyhole. A breathtakingly beautiful woman was sitting by Potter's bedside, gently stroking his face. She was the living human cappuccino with perfectly curly brown hair.

He said something.

She laughed.

I thought I heard them exchange the names "Jamsie" and "Ariadne".

I felt sick. All logic and reason flew away on a broom. I sobbed heavily, and tears nipped at the corners of my eyes.

I opened the door quietly and without a glance, proceeded to Frank's bed and pulled the curtains shut around us with a silencing charm.

"Did you do it Frank? Did you make that spell?" I said very calmly.

He was utterly dazed and confused by my appearance. My girly appearance.

I stared him in the eyes.

His eyes widened and then he began to speak.

What he said, I never heard because a very heavy object connected with the back of my head and life turned very black.

To say that my head feels like an anvil and my eyeballs stuffed with cotton would be an understatement. The light was low, lit by torches. It took moments for my tortured eyes to focus on the stone walls….floors…ceiling.

"Is this some bloody dungeon?"

"No, but it is a secret passage way. Don't even bother trying."

I jumped sky-high again. Remus was leaning against the wall, arms folded across his battered body.

"I've seen you around, and I don't know how you know so much. I want an explanation."

We gave each other the stare of death, until I cracked and sobbed loudly. Remus demanded to know what unholy ghost possessed my body when I threw myself from the floor and into his arms.

"Remus! I'm so sorry!"

He patted my back awkwardly.

"Erm…I….uh…"

I was suddenly thankful that the universe invented werewolves.

Yes, I am well aware that thought is completely idiotic and the universe was a seriously screwed up place with no heart.

"My name is Lily Evans." And I spilled my marbles. I told him everything, and all my adventures, and that Sirius knew."And that's how I knew everything."

Remus said nothing, yet stared pensively at the floor. He seemed completely baffled by my psychotic outlook on life, crossdressing, and elaborate schemes.

I like to pride myself in the latter of that statement.

"You have some seriously addled brains."

Grazie.

"And I don't have to tell you how completely nuts you are."

Prego.

"And that I don't believe a word you said."

Dammit.

You believe me, right?

If your answer is no, do not even bother to answer. It is a rhetorical question and the answer must be yes.

I crumbled into a ball on the floor and stared at my knees which was truly a bad idea given the passage was wet, damp, and had water puddles scattered along the floor. I happened to sit in one.

Oh why oh why did I have to blurt everything out to Remus?

Perhaps I was just nervous about Remus doubting my biology. I am hoping never to breach the lines of biology. I turned straight into a tomato and mumbled to my knees.

"Didn't catch that." Remus spat.

"I asked: Are you going to tell?" I said again, but with more oomph.

"I assume you wouldn't be here if Dumbledore didn't know. I still don't believe this could have happened and someone hadn't noticed. Though that does explain why you have your own dorm, random absences, a light tenor voice, and the terrible stumbling."

Oooh! What I would like to say to him now, but I will not waste the ink. You can pick on my for anything else except for red-hair and klutziness, or I will promise you will be reincarnated as a cockroach and I shall never associate with you again.

Can cockroaches even associate? Can they attend little cockroach social clubs and communicate and dance?

Shut up thinking.

This is just painful.

"I would ask that sometime you tell James and the others about who you are. It's not fair that you deceive them."

"James is busy with that other woman."

It was Remus's turn to look confused.

"The one by his bedside."

"Ariadne?"

"Whatever." I glared at him, and he gave me his best I'm-not-trying-to-annoy-you-to-death-looks. "Can I leave now?"

I gave that look that said anyone who challenged me was clearly deranged.

"You've had the ability to leave the entire time."

"Except I don't know how to leave."

Remus stepped aside to reveal a portrait hole behind him.

I couldn't tell if my face was red from anger or shame.

I left the passage without another comment.

I need chocolate

Muggle Studies

I have clearly taken a mental turn for the worse, and might have delved into insanity. Since my encounter with Remus, I have gotten up at ungodly hours to avoid all forms of life and to ensure no questions asked. I ate breakfast in the kitchens, then blithered my way to muggle studies, only tripping once over a protruding stone in the floor.

When students started filing in, I was shocked to see the Marauders' seats filled. I still haven't been able to look into Frank's eyes. But I still can't accept that he did it.

I vow to get to the bottom of it.

Sirius nudged my arm and when he finally held my gaze, gave me a wink.

"So what did you do without your handsome knights to entertain and protect you?" He whispered.

"You know - drank, smoked, romped, joyriding, pranking, slytherin torture."

"I'm so proud."

Do not roll eyes.

"Actually, I played a lot of chess with Peter."

"You, my darling, have so much to learn."

I shoved him off his chair, much to James' and Peter's dismay. Remus really didn't notice. I guess he's still sore that Lee Vanes isn't real.

James saw me and looked across the room, just looking, not smiling. Oh dear. He's going to be mean because he thinks I'm a nut or a queer. I blinked like an owl, before he ran a hand through his hair and turned around,

He has ever such nice hairy hair. I smiled stupidly at the ceiling as I thought of how it would feel to run my hands through his hair.

Of course Black can't let this pass peacefully. Sirius shoved me off my chair.

"Wha-"

"Payback. I didn't have any cold water or ice."

Cheeky cat.

For a while, everything seemed back to normal. Malfoy was still laid up in bed. (manic grin) James slept and copied Remus's notes during the last five minutes. Sirius flicked dungbombs at the slytherins and hufflepuffs in front of him. And I was somewhere in between daydreaming, being studious, and joining Sirius.

I would call this day uneventful until Professor Green said something curious.

"This Friday, two days hence, we're taking a fieldtrip to observe the muggles in a Tennis match."

Lord I am terrible at tennis. Please don't ask.

You asked, didn't you?

When I was 14, I played intramural tennis in my summer vacation. (mum's psychotic request) I had won my first match of the year and was so proud that I tossed my tennis racket into the air, and backwards so that it unintentionally landed on my mother's head.

We agreed sports were not for me after that incident.

"But professor! We've got a Quidditch match again Durmstrang that night!" Potter was immediately on his feet in protest.

The world has flipped on its axis. I head mumbles of agreement from the Slytherins.

"Ya, Prof! You can't send us away!"

"The match is at two, between France and England. You should be back by supper." Professor Green dismissed them.

"We've got no time to rest! We need our strength!" Alistair argued.

Pish Post. You're just prejudiced you prejudiced …loon.

Why these idiots are in muggle studies, I do not know.

"Eat your spinach then. You are going and that is final, or you will not be playing Quidditch either."

Professor Green, you rule. Alistair looked defeated and sulked.

Score.

After class, Sirius stopped me in the hall. I couldn't see James, Remus, Peter or Frank, so I decided it was safe.

"Erm…Jamsie is really freaked out about your spaz attack in the hospital wing. He's suspicious of you, and a bit angry. I'd keep my distance for now and I'll try to smooth things over. Hopefully we can nip off at the match and fix things between you and Jamsie. He is seriously confused. You ought to tell him soon." Sirius said without waiting for my reply.

I could hear him calling for the Marauders to wait up somewhere down the hall.

And then I was left by my lonesome self and it wasn't until then that I felt.

I really don't feel like going to any more classes.

I do feel like chocolate chip cookies.

So for the rest of the day, I saw in the kitchens and stuffed desserts into my mouth.

I did contact Alice via Compact floo.

"Alice, should I tell everyone the truth."

"Erm, I dunno."

"True, but what do you think? If you were in disguise and you liked James, a lot, would you tell him you wanted to date him?"

"But I don't want to go out with James."

"I know."

"And I am not a crossdresser."

"Alice, you are being what is technically known as a fool."

Naturally, she got the mega hump and disconnected.

Personally, I was in no mood for her humps.

I simply sulked for the rest of the night,

Paris – Tennis Match France vs England

Friday had approached quicker than I would have liked it to. We were marched one by one, like prisoners of war, around the court and forced to sit in very appropriate muggle clothing for the event.

Professor Green and Voldemort are channeling the same evil spirit in my book right now.

I hate tennis.

I really hate tennis.

Everyone crowds around a court in several stories of 3/4th walled ritzy glamour, all arranged by the money in one's pocket.

Bollocks.

There I was, moping on the second story, when a pretty black haired girl in a pretty blue dress sauntered up to Professor Green.

" 'Scuse me sir, but may I borrow Lee. His mother is here at the match and has asked to see him."

Poopascoopa!

Professor Green pretended to think, then dismissed her with a wave of his hand. He apparently thinkgs he's God's gift to the world the way he dismisses people.

The girl grabbed my arm and wrenched me away with some force.

Once we were out of sight, I shoved her off me. "I don't know who you are, but Sod. Off." And I wrenched my arm away.

"Over here." She pulled me into an alleyway, and pulled off her black wig. It was Alice.

I started to speak.

"Shut up Lily. I'm still not pleased, but I wasn't lying. Your mother is here and was demanded to see you over at Beauxbatons. I told her you were in the bathroom." She handed me a bag. "Here is a change of clothes, and do make yourself look acceptable. I don't know how much longer I can cover for you." She shoved the things into my hands and started to leave.

"It can't be that bad. I deal with her all the time."

"Lily, you're going to hurt someone with your lies. It's not going to be me, and I'm not covering for you after this. Take responsibility for what you've done." She glanced at me meaningfully, and disappeared into the crowd.

I didn't have time to think. I shuffled into the nearest bathroom and locked the door. The bag contained a rose pink slim debutant dress. Thinking about what Alice said, I changed back to normal and fixed my appearance and hair to movie-star standards, and tucked my bag behind a potty.

I had no idea where to go, until I spotted a group of dressy girls pointing and oogling the Hogwarts boys.

Leave my boys alone!

Here we go. So. Shoulders back, swingy arms, walking walking swing swing. Feet stay in a straight line to make my hips go side to side These are well-known boy attracting movements, also commonly associated with orangutans.

Swing Swing

Hip Hip

"Pardon me ladies, I seem to have lost my bearing. Can you tell me which was back to Beauxbatons?" I fluttered my eyelashes as trademark.

Gag me with a spoon.

They pointed stupidly to a spot in the stands.

Thanks.

Or as they say in Italian,

Grassy arse.

I found them easily, and quickly. My mother was easily spotted in her light blue skirt suit and abominable hat.

" 'Ello mother." I added in a falsely sweet smile.

Her lips tightened when she saw me, then smiled.

"Oh, my little lady." She sized me up, and decided I was acceptable. "Wherever have you been? You're supposed to attend schooling in France."

"I've been…with Namie…learning the grace and art of the geisha in Japan."

"I'm glad you're becoming a cultured, globally aware woman. I was always worried you'd become detached from your role."

So that's what this is about?

"I'm terribly sorry mother, but I was having a lovely conversation with the Baroness DuBois. I'm sure she wouldn't appreciate my absence to be too extended."

Mother looked positively exhilarated.

I saw Alice scowl from her spot next to Mikalah.

I scuttled back to the loo and then back to the Hogwarts lads.

"Everything alright?" Peter asked upon my return.

"Smashing."

James surveyed me for a second, then outwardly banished whatever he was thinking. He's still sore abut something. I haven't figured it out yet.

I grew bored fast. How interesting can it be to smack a ball at one another with organized wires? I began staring at a balcony across from my seat with a look that clearly said 'the lights are on but nobody's home'.

Among the people across the way, my mother emerged from after some time. She spoke to some Beauxbaton girls, and I watched them point to my bathroom.

Oh no. My clothes!

She'll find them.

"LOO!" I yelled and dashed from my seat.

I thought I got away from it until I heard James mimic my actions, and then Sirius.

Bloody parrots.

Scheissenhausen, I'm being followed!

As quickly as possible, I pushed through the crowds of richly dressed people. I could hear James yelling my name, and Sirius yelling his.

I saw Mischa and her tarts picking on some poor first year by a ledge. I glared at her, and to my surprise, she shimmied up to me, waggling her assets as much as possible.

"Why hello there. Care to tell me what they call this handsome face?" She placed her body as close as publicly possible to mine.

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD LOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRDDDDDD!!!!!!

I don't know what's scarier: that she can rip off and replace her mask of kindess in an instant or that she hit on me.

Nasty to nice in .001 of a second.

I placed my large, manly hands on her shoulders and held her at arm's length. I decided it would be absolutely clever to start telling the truth from then on. "I like boys, not girls." I simply stated and walked away from her utterly gaping face.

I heard my name clearly from behind me, and quickly shuffled into an alley and through a gated staircase, whose lock I blasted off with my wand. As I climbed, I could hear at least two pair of footsteps behind me. Once at the top, I locked the top gate and pulled a heavy set of ruby curtains in front of it.

I ran through a ritzy anteroom, and into a glaring blob of light……which happened to be one of the eight exclusive balconies for royalty. Luckily, Spain had decided not to attend the match today and the flat was empty.

I could see my destination below and on a 2nd floor balcony to my left.

There was a large tapestry hanging off the front of the Spanish balcony embroidered with the crest of Spain. It reached the second level.

Cue jazzy cat and mouse music.

Hunting wabbits time!

I heard an explosion behind me. They were here.

I threw myself off the front of the balcony and caught onto the tapestry around the fourth level. Members of the crowd screamed as I slid. I gathered a bunch of the material in my hand and used it, like a vine, to swing into the second level.

George, George, George of the Jungle watch out for that lady!

I had to let go to the tapestry early to avoid an elderly lady, and smashed into a Greek column.

Can I just say, OW!

I watched as oogly people stared at my disheveled state. I heard the calls of Police. I gathered the tapestry in my hands, threw it at the crowd, then slithered into my nearby destination while chaos ensued.

Nice. I distracted my mother enough to slip into the bathroom and all is safe.

When I emerged as the knock-out debutant Lily, I was so pleased to watch the Police and Professor Green run by and not recognize me.

Needless to say, Lee won't be returning.

I was ready to take the day off for Lily, and plum walk out of the place.

Until..

"Lily! There are some people I want you to meet!"

I almost died.

Before I could protest, my mother had me by the arm and swiftly guided me to a tea area.

Sitting at her table were the two most shriveled beings, I was afraid if they were in the sun any longer, they would surpass prune-hood.

If I get so old I am subjected to vegetablisation, I would so kindly ask that God put me out of my misery.

"Mother, I really must-"

"No buts, Lily Anna."

Lahaygfdsafhjkasfhytsagfksa!

About twenty minutes of useless prattle and I was seriously looking for an angel of mercy.

And one came.

I saw his figure in the doorway. He seemed to be scanning the crowd, but stopped at my red hair.

A smile crossed his face. He recognized me.

Would you stop shaking, knees?

He took one look around the room, wrinkled his nose, then nodded his head pointedly towards the outside.

Then he left.

What!? That's your idea of a rescue mission?

Bloody boys.

Before I knew it, I had gently tugged on my mothers arm and asked to be excused because the painters had called. She nodded proudly.

I was about to leave and pursue James, until I had a sweet thought of revenge. "Lady…Agnes was it? And Lady Agatha, why don't you educate my mother on the ancient Egyptian marriage ritual that went on in your day? I'll be right back."

I ran through the doorway before anyone realized what I'd implied.

Sometimes I astound myself with the bollocks that pours from my mouth.

I found James leaning casually against the wall outside the tea room

He smiled, and I melted. No not really, I am not the wicked witch of the west on the floor.

Then he started walking away, with casual glances over his shoulder to see that I would follow.

I am not following you around like a sad puppy dog.

His hazel eyes met mine briefly, and I took off into a heated pace.

You have just glimpsed my iron will.

Went right, then right, then left, up the stairs, then right, right, left, and out onto the roof pent-house.The owners weren't in, but a fresh pot of tea had been brewed and scones set out on the balcony.

God bless the English.

James's back was facing to me, but he seemed to sense me and turn around immediately.

"You didn't run this time. I still don't know your name, but beggars can't be choosers. You're still here." He placed his hand on my cheek.

I nearly gobbled like a turkey. I suddenly had an urge to run to the little girls' room. I began formulating my acceptance speech for when James says he wants to go out with me. 'Aah, James. Cheerio! Froot Loops! And Wheaties! What a surprise to see you as a girl!' Hang on, that can't be right – he'll think I'm a transvestite. No, he'll think I think that he is a transvestite, or-Anyways, on with the acceptance speechie. 'You want me to be your girlfriend? I would be happy to be your matey. Eggscellent'

Right to the point.

It's a winner.

I felt his hands on my waste and he drew me close. His head shifted lower towards mine, and I was seriously delirious as to where his sweetness ended and mine began. Just when I felt the slightest tingle of moisture on my lips, strong voices were approaching us.

B-U-G-G-E-R!!!!!!!!!

James swore.

I was red as a tomato about what almost happened, and possibly very angry at those rude people.

How I wish I had an invisibility cloak.

Amazing! James had one shrunken in his back pocket! James whispered, "Want to get out of here?"

I nodded stupidly.

We vanished ourselves promptly and ran from the room.

In fact, we left the entire building, Hogwarts, and Beauxbatons behind.

Oh, the adventures.

A lot of credit to Gordon Goodwin's "The Jazz Police" for inspiring the chase scene. I didn't forget about the Quidditch match that night. You can only guess what events might unfurl!

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