Dearest Readers,
**NOTICE** The letter that Chase reads in this chapter was originally by Stephanie Koszalka, who works for To Write Love on Her Arms. I edited the letter a little bit some so that it applied to Chase more.
I ask you to do one thing…read the letter carefully, it's truly a beautiful letter that people can learn so much from. At the end of the chapter, I'll give you instructions on how to find the original letter.
Read on, Cherubs.
Over and out.
Chapter 9
Chase stared at himself in the mirror, his hands already clammy with nerves. He decided to not wear a suit, but instead chose to wear slimming black slacks, shiny black shoes, and a white long-sleeved button-up shirt, the top couple button open to show the upper part of his chest. He ran a hand through his blonde hair, making his bangs fall into his eyes. He flashed himself a smile, he hasn't felt this good in years.
He walked out of the bathroom to grab his keys and letter that he planned to read for the night. He unfolded his letter and glanced at the handwritten letters. He didn't bother to type it out or make it fancy. No, what he had written down was what he truly wanted to say…what he was going to say.
He knew that Cameron, Foreman, Cuddy, Wilson, and every doctor at PPTH was going to be there and he found that he really didn't mind that they would find out his secret that he's hidden for the past 6 years. His main intention in this letter was to not only encourage others to accept themselves as who they are, but it was also for him to tell himself what he needed to as well. He chuckled lightly at the thought of talking to himself in front of other people, but what he was going to say needed to be said. He ran a hand one more time through his hair and left to go to the summit.
HouseXChase
The coliseum where the summit was going to be held was massive and packed with people. Chase walked along the sidewalk and spotted Cuddy and Wilson and walked over to them. They smiled at him and Chase fiddled with his fingers and looked for House, Cameron and Foreman. Cameron and Foreman showed up a little time later and they all stood, waiting for House. Chase felt a smile creep to his lips as he thought that it was typical of House to be late for any and everything. He jumped slightly as he felt a hand lightly touch his lower back. He looked up and locked eyes with House, who was standing closer to him than he usually would with anyone else. Wilson noticed this, but decided to not say anything…for now.
"House, whatever you're going to say tonight…it better be appropriate." Cuddy warned as they walked inside to take their seats near the stage. House chuckled.
"You only said I had to write something to start this thing off, you never said it had to be appropriate." Cuddy paled and Chase laughed lightly, knowing that House was kidding.
"He's only kidding." Chase reassured Cuddy as they sat down; Cuddy glared at House who chose to ignore her. The coliseum darkened and a woman with dark hair stood behind the podium, light beaming down on her.
"Good evening everyone! My name is Lisa Paterson [1]. I am the founder of the Eating Disorders and Outreach Program Summit, thank you for coming and showing your support."
Chase heard House groan slightly and he smiled; House hated attending events like these. He slipped his hand into House's and gave it a light squeeze. House looked at him and rubbed his hand with his thumb, House knew that Chase was more nervous than anyone else here.
"And now," Lisa Paterson said, "I would like for you to welcome Dr. Gregory House of Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital to the stage to say a few words before we get this summit started."
House didn't move for a few seconds and Chase kicked him in the shin of his good leg, making him move. House sighed and stood and limped towards the stage and stood on the spot that Lisa once occupied. He sighed again before he spoke to the large crowd.
Cuddy better damn well appreciate this.
"Even though I'm a doctor, I never took a real interest in eating disorders until a few weeks ago. When you see people come in basically everyday with either anorexia or bulimia, you kind of become immune to the fact that you can see every one of their bones or that the person is slowly deteriorating from the inside. However," He looked at Chase straight in the eye, "when someone close to me showed signs of Anorexia," Cuddy, Wilson, Cameron, and Foreman were gripped with confusion.
What? House isn't close to anybody, so who is he talking about?
"It was a wake-up call, so to speak." House continued. "This someone later confessed that he had been struggling with the disorder for about 6 years, even before he came to Princeton-Plainsboro." Wilson's and Cuddy's eyes darted towards Chase, who was calmly looking at House. "He hid it very well and I never noticed until another doctor questioned me about his condition." Dr. Matthews smiled as he remembered the day that he confronted House about Chase. "The person I speak of will actually be talking to you later on tonight, so I'll leave him to say the rest."
He limped off the stage as people clapped; Chase's face was red with a bright blush. House sat down and found Chase's hand.
"You look nice by the way." House said, turning towards Chase whose blush deepened.
HouseXChase
The night passed on smoothly. Doctors from around the country came to the stage and spoke words of encouragement and knowledge to those in the audience struggling with an eating disorder. House could tell that Chase was hanging on to every last word that was spoken. He was still holding the blonde's hand, reassuringly. He knew that it was getting close for Chase to speak and he was anxious to hear what Chase was going to say. Lisa Paterson was back on stage.
"And now it is that time in the summit where we actually get to hear accounts on what it's like to deal with an eating disorder from people who are struggling with one. So to start us off with a few words, please welcome Dr. Robert Chase from Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital."
House squeezed his hand reassuringly as Chase stood and walked towards the stage, trembling slightly. He could do this.He stood behind the podium, taking in his surroundings. He tugged at the sleeves of his shirt, accidentally revealing more of his prominent collarbone than he meant to. Wilson, Cuddy, Cameron and Foreman looked at Chase, stunned by the newly shown thinness. Chase looked up, took a deep breath, and spoke.
"For the past 6 years, I've had tunnel-vision towards all the things that I was told when I was a child. I never got compliments growing up; it was always insults and things that no child, or anyone for that matter, shouldn't hear and endure." He paused. "But at the time, I honestly thought that those things were normal because no one was around to tell me otherwise. I grew up believing that I was fat, hideous, and worthless of any kind of affection." House glanced towards the others, seeing that Cuddy and Cameron were getting emotional as Wilson and Foreman sat in stunned silence.
"I grew up believing that to be worthy of any kind of attention and affection was to be perfect. Then I moved to the United States, which reinforced this belief. But a short time ago, someone challenged this belief." He chuckled lightly. "I hated his guts at first." A soft ripple of laughter swept through the crowd.
"I realized that the longer I let Anorexia dictate my life, the more of my life I was giving away. The more I allowed Anorexia to control every aspect of my life and every one of my thoughts and feelings, I realized that I was letting my eating disorder kill me. I was letting Anorexia take me away and I never fought back against it. But as of late, I have been fighting against it." He opened the piece of paper that he had written his letter on and briefly flashed it for everyone to see.
"This may sound silly to a lot of you, but when I had all of these realizations, I had to convince another part of myself that these things are true: my physical being. So, I decided that that part of me needed to know these things in order for me to begin healing." Another soft chuckle left his lips. "Sometimes the things that need to be said are often best seen and heard…so I actually wrote a letter to my physical being. To some of you, that may sound stupid. But to me, it's extremely helpful…and something that I encourage others to do." He flattened out the piece of paper and began to read:
Dear Body,
I have always let some imperfection or another stand in the way of me seeing what you truly are: that you are beautiful. You are a divinecreation, housing the most valuable thing known to the universe: my soul. I'm beginning to realize that a person's soul has the capacity to radiate light that transcends all the characteristics that I have been conditioned to believe are flaws.
You naturally tell a story. Your blue-green veins are like a map to where your heart has been and where it is going. The curve of your waist and the shape of your cheekbones tell a tale of heritage and ethnicity. There are crayon markings on the wall, somewhere, that has measured your height throughout the years. Always returning to the same spot to see how you've changed.
Your body begins as a story, but continues with new chapters throughout your life. Some are chapters of sadness and pain, others of joy, and all of growth. Each chapter is a blank canvas meant to be painted by our experiences. Photos are memories, but so are our bodies in a way that's more real: no posing and no fakeness. I'm realizing these things now, but I'm sorry that I didn't realize them before. I've done everything I could to destroy the canvas and deface and burn the pages of different chapters.
I've waged war on you before. I've used razor blades to feel and drugs to numb. I've used caffeine to stay awake and alcohol to sleep. I abused the side effect of certain medication: loss of appetite, to deliberately starve myself to make you skinner. I have spent far too much time on a scale that merely weighs your effect on gravity, not the depth of your beauty. But in the ruins, there is still a canvas. There is still beauty in your brokenness. The faded scars show healing reminding me that even though I've been in dark places, I've survived…I've learned…I've become stronger.
Dear body, as I grow older, I worry about how you will age. Together we will gain wisdom and wrinkles, after being young and beautiful and naïve. The wisdom tells us that the beauty does not subside, it only changes, and more of it comes from within. So I won't worry when my hair doesn't look just right, or when I do something stupid and emerge with another scar because you are telling a story. And what would I be without my story…and my past?
Chase let out a deep sigh and felt a smile creep to his face as he looked up and saw that had had been impacted profoundly by what he just said. His smile widened.
"People always say that it only takes one person to make a difference in someone's life. Someone made a difference in mine," He glanced towards House, "So I'm 'paying it forward'. I hope that I did what I intended to do: make a difference, no matter how minor. I have to potential to change someone's life and so do you."
He picked up his paper and walked off stage to thunderous applause, his face burning with a blush. He flopped down in his seat next to House and grabbed his hand. He did it, it was done.
The hardest thing he's ever done thus far in the process of healing was done.
He felt a sense of freedom wash over him.
"I'm very proud of you, Wombat." House whispered as he squeezed Chase's hand. Chase smiled widely and turned towards the stage and listened to people talk about their struggles, his heart going out to every one of them.
As he sat there, he began to realize that his life was starting to turn into something beautiful.
He was ready to change.
He was ready to get his life back.
HouseXChase
Alright Gang,
I do hope that that letter had some kind of impact on you. It certainly did with me.
**Directions on how to see the original:**
Go to the To write love on her arms website (.com)
Go to the "blog" button at the top
Go to "general" (in yellow) to the right
Scroll down until you see "DEAR BODY: A LETTER INSPIRED BY NEDAWARENESS WEEK"
xXxXx
Reviews would be wonderful!
When-Rabbit-Howls