Author's Note: Ok, I wanted to bring back "commercials" to my work, so I figured this would be a good opportunity. I thought I had hit a "Eureka!" moment when I thought up the name "Zeus Juice", but upon Googling this, I found that unfortunately this is a real life product. So no, I do NOT own or have any affiliation whatsoever with Zeus Juice or whoever sells it. I'm simply…enhancing it ;)
We now interrupt this broadcast to introduce…
*obnoxiously loud rock music is blasting and a flash of lightning illuminates the screen. A deep, booming voice speaks*
ZEUS JUICE!
*Zeus appears, surrounded by half-nude busty women, holding a rather large copper can in his hand*
Zeus: Mortals! Do you tire of feeling puny, insignificant, decrepit, slovenly, and utterly repulsive to the opposite sex? Do you find yourself spending your nights alone, with no one to cross, triangle, cross, circle, left analog stick with? Of course you do, because YOU are not ME. However, I have appeared before you via sophisticated telecommunications technology to implore you to purchase…
*deep, booming voice shouts*
ZEUS JUICE!!
*Zeus pauses and looks around, bewildered*
Zeus: As I was saying...it is the will of Olympus that you regularly consume-
*that stupid voice again*
ZEUS JUICE!!
Zeus: LET ME SPEAK, DAMN YOU!
*silence*
Zeus: *mutters obscenities* Now then, this beverage contains powerful antioxidants and herbal blends to promote vibrant health and vitality. Not to the same extent that I possess, obviously, but sufficient enough for vermin such as yourselves. So gather together whatever disposable income you have available and invest it in…
*he pauses again for a few seconds, waiting to be interrupted. After a moment, he opens his mouth to speak*
Zeus: Zeus-
*the voice*
JOO-SAH!
Zeus: Hades, I can RECOGNIZE YOUR VOICE, imbecile! Don't make me BOLT YOUR A-
And now back to Sesame Street!
1. I Need a Hero
There was a certain air about Sesame Street. Everyone and everything was…happy. The colors were bright. People and animals sang songs together. Kratos just didn't know what to make of any of it. So far (at least during the commercial break), he had searched high and low for anything remotely resembling a way out of here, but to no avail. Instead, his senses were assaulted by rhymes, songs, and laughter every which way he turned. He was reminded of Calliope, his sweet little girl, and imagined what her reaction would be to such mirth.
He wandered around sullenly, not paying very much attention to his surroundings as his mind gradually became enveloped in thoughts of his family. For a moment, he didn't even feel the usual anger welling up inside that followed these thoughts. For a moment he just felt…a type of peace.
Peace that was all too quickly disturbed. He had virtually no time to react before a blue blur hurtled from the sky and straight into his chest.
Seething, Kratos let out a mighty growl and grabbed the blue creature by the neck, its feet dangling several feet off the ground. It wore a silvery helmet and red flowing cape, but it was stringy looking and hardly a threat. Still, Kratos was pumped.
"So you DARE attempt a surprise attack on ME?!"
With that, he threw it to the ground and drew his blades.
"Prepare to die like the coward you are…"
The creature, a bit dizzy from his fall, lifted the visor of his helmet with one hand and stood upright.
"Please excuse me, good sir. I was attempting to rescue a distressed citizen from that tree", he said as he pointed to one of the taller trees that lined the path leading to the park. Kratos' frown deepened when he realized that this "citizen" was nothing more than a tiny kitten clinging helplessly to a branch.
With that, the blue creature puffed out his chest proudly and announced,
"For I am the magnificent SUUUUUP…"
There was a long pause.
Kratos gritted his teeth in annoyance.
"…ER GROVER! Defender of innocent kitties and babies everywhere!"
Although he was just as irritating as the previous furry things Kratos had encountered, this one might actually prove to be useful. Might.
"You're coming with me."
Kratos effortlessly flung the creature over his shoulder and marched on.
"But I must save the kitten!" he protested, "Who else will be brave enough to scale such heights?"
"Not my problem. Your only concern is getting me out of this hellhole if you wish to remain alive."
Grover gasped deeply.
"Sir! You cannot use such language on a children's show. Perhaps 'heckhole' would be nicer."
"Shut up."
Grover gasped again.
"Shut up? We do not say 'shut up' in Sesame Street. When we want someone to stop talking, we say 'please be quiet' It is more polite."
"Very well. Please be quiet or I shall be forced to remove your spine through your anus and choke you with it."
Grover was very quiet from then on.
-----
After some time, Kratos broke the silence by asking exactly how Grover was able to fly and where he was traveling from.
"Well, the truth is, I do not know how I am able to fly. But it seems that visiting the magical telephone booths will do the trick. And I think my mommy's love also helps. She made me this costume for Halloween."
Kratos shuddered slightly.
"You will show me where to find these telephone booths."
"Certainly. There should be one close to Hooper's Store. Do you know where Hooper's Store is?"
Kratos muttered, "Unfortunately."
Presently, they arrived at the store. Only this time, there were many more people gathered there than before. The man named Bob was speaking.
"I don't like the looks of that man, though. I think I saw blood stains on his skin. And he was carrying these huge weapons!"
"Weapons?! Oh no! How could this happen?", cried one woman.
Were these people serious? How could all this come as such a surprise? He had never seen such sheltered people in his entire life.
"We are here. Now tell me what this telephone booth looks like."
"Oh, they are always red. They look like big red boxes, with a telephone inside of course."
Kratos had not the faintest idea what a telephone was, but all he needed to look for was a big red box. Simple enough.
"There he is!" screamed one person.
Immediately, all eyes were on Kratos.
"And he has Grover hostage!" shouted another.
Seeing their fear as an opportunity, Kratos once again dangled Grover by his neck, this time holding a blade to it.
"You will tell me where to find the magical telephone booths, or this creature DIES."
A teenage boy, obviously jittery, stepped forward from the crowd with his hand outstretched. A small silver device rested in his palm.
"Um, like, if you wanna make a call, you can use my cell. Here, man…"
Kratos snatched the item from the boy, holding Grover up in one hand while he examined the phone in the other.
"What does this 'cell' do?" he demanded, randomly mashing buttons on the keypad.
"Um…like, you use it to talk to people and stuff. And it can, like, send text messages and pics if you want. So like where are you from anyway? I mean, you don't even know what a phone is…"
Ignoring the question, Kratos continued exploring this odd device. It produced light and made sounds whenever he pushed its keys.
Grover, unable to breathe much at this point, asked in a raspy voice,
"Would you be so kind as to release me sir? I cannot breathe."
Kratos dropped him to the ground, still fixated on the phone.
"Will this return me to the Underworld?"
Everyone looked at one another quietly. The man was obviously a nutjob.
Suddenly, loud music and a voice spilled from the phone.
"Oh hot damn, this is mah jam…"
Startled, Kratos dropped the phone and promptly crushed it with his foot.
"Oh my god, DUDE! That cost like $400! My dad is gonna KILL me!"
Kratos, regaining his composure, hissed,
"Good, he will spare me the trouble of killing you first."
A woman made her way through the crowd, visibly upset.
"Now wait one minute, no one is killing ANYONE! You need to leave right now, sir."
The woman's husband pulled her back, "Maria what are you doing?!"
"Over here! I have found the telephone booth!", Grover shouted from across the street. He was waving his skinny arms around to get Kratos' attention.
Kratos stormed over and shoved Grover to the side. After a few moments of working out how to get inside, Kratos stepped into the phone booth.
"Now what?"
Grover watched, struggling to come up with a satisfying answer.
"Well, um, try spinning around in circles!"
Staring at him with a disbelieving scowl, Kratos did as Grover said, slowly turning in circles. After about ten or so turns, Kratos faced Grover once again. His face was darkened with displeasure.
"It did not work…"
Grover gulped.
"P-perhaps you are not turning fast enough?"
Kratos simply glared, not blinking even once. The tension in the air was growing with every passing second.
"Oh! Oh! I know. Turn eight times while saying 'Wubba Wubba'. Wubba Wubba makes everything work!"
Kratos sighed miserably and performed the humiliating dance once more, his eyes piercing Grover's with each turn.
"Wubba wubba…wubba wubba…this had better work…wubba wubba…"
By the time Kratos had turned eight times, Grover was about ready to bolt.
Kratos pulled out the Nemean Cestus and was seconds from striking Grover before he screamed, waving both hands in front of him,
"STOP! I know what is missing!"
"ENOUGH GAMES! TELL ME ONCE AND FOR ALL WHAT I MUST DO OR I WILL BEAT YOU TO A STICKY BLUE PASTE!"
"Super costume! You do not have the super costume! And you do not have your mommy's love to help you fly…"
Just for that alone Kratos wanted to kill him.
"Then I will just have to take YOURS instead."
Kratos ripped the cape and helmet from Grover and hastily put them on. The cape was a very tight fit and hung limply just below his shoulder blades. The helmet barely reached his upper lip.
"Now…try now.", Grover said in a whisper.
Kratos entered the phone booth one last time. Then, finally, it happened. A flurry of activity in the phone booth caught the crowd's attention, and suddenly, all was still. Several long minutes passed before Kratos finally emerged. But he was no longer the Kratos you and I both know and love, oh no. Today Kratos, the Ghost of Sparta, the successor to Ares as the God of War, became Super Kratos. And he has the big letter "K" on his chest to prove it.