kyoshi hold 'em
part four: new and exciting ways to cause mass destruction

"Uh oh," Ty Lee muttered. From where he was kneeling on the floor, picking through bags of flour and rice and beans, Zuko looked up.

"What?"

"Um," she replied, trying to figure out how to phrase 'a really, really ticked off waterbender is out for your blood because she thinks you ran off again and incidentally we're in the middle of her element so she can kill you with a flick of her wrist you might want to go in there and prostrate yourself at her feet and beg forgiveness and I know you didn't do it but she'll kill you before you get a chance to explain that and also we need black beans', but in a way that wouldn't get her hair burned off. "Katara is, um, looking for you."

"Why? We need something else from this mess?" He gave a frustrated growl and leaned back. "Does nobody clean anything here? I can't find anything in this stupid pantry."

"I'll help!" Ty Lee replied brightly -- anything to avoid going back out to the fuming Katara and trying-to-be-as-annoying-as-possible Jet -- and knelt down beside Zuko. "Besides, we need black beans, anyway. Are they in this bag?"

"No, I don't think so. What does Katara need?"

Ty Lee winced. "She, um, well, she thought you ran off and hid again. So, she kind of wants to gut you." Zuko blinked.

"You're kidding, right?"

"No."

"It didn't occur to her to ask Uncle where I might have gone?"

"Apparently not, and, well, he got sidetracked by an apple-hunt anyway."

He buried his face in his hands and let out a muffled scream. "What in the name of Agni above did I do to piss her off?"

Ty Lee chewed on her lip, absently shifting the stored dry goods around. "Well, like I said, you called her an idiot."

"That hardly justifies this."

"Um," she said, scratching the back of her head, and then decided to just plow on and deal with the consequences later. "You see, it's like this. You were cuddling this morning, and yeah, I know you were so hungover you thought you were dead, but still. You were all cute and snuggly and stuff, and then you called her an idiot. So, to her, it's like you don't even care about the whole cuddling thing, when she obviously did, and that's a pretty big shot to someone's pride, you know? And Katara, well, she's proud, and she holds the South Pole record for grudge-holding. So, she's kind of overcompensating because of it and the only way she can get back at you is by attacking you at every turn. Makes sense?"

Zuko gaped at her, trying to process the lightning-fast explanation of events that Ty Lee had just thrown at him. On the one hand, Ty Lee was really good at reading people -- especially girls -- and thus was probably right. On the other hand, he barely understood anything that had just come out of her mouth, and what he did understand he didn't like. And had she just insinuated that Katara might have a crush on him? It was hard to tell.

So, he fell back on his old excuse.

"Girls are crazy."

Ty Lee nodded. "We are. And complicated, too. At least Katara is easy to read. You remember how bad it was when you were dating Mai? I was ready to kill both of you by the end of that relationship." She leaned forward. "But here's a secret: you know how you came to me for advice, like, every day? So did she. We girls may not make much sense to you guys, but you don't make much sense to us, either. We're all idiots when it comes to the opposite sex."

"You're starting to make homosexuality look good."

She brightened in a truly horrifying way. "Oh, really?"

Zuko watched the grin blooming over her face warily. "...I'm going to take these carrots back to the kitchen and try to diffuse Katara's temper. You... find black beans and, um, don't tell anyone about what I said. Any of it."

Ty Lee laughed outright. "Oh, I won't tell anyone but Toph. She'll be interested!"

"I can hurt you."

"Oh, fine," Ty Lee sighed. "Spoilsport."

"Okay, so we start with, um, dried seal jerky?" Jet looked at the recipe with revulsion. "Do I want to know where to find that?"

"It's almost winter," Katara responded, like that explained anything, "so there's plenty of seal jerky saved from the hunting season."

"Is that... healthy?"

"It's been dried," she said, shrugging. "Or we wouldn't very well call it dried seal jerky, now would we?"

"Hey," Toph said suddenly, from her perch on the countertop, brandishing a spoon of bread dough at them, "no arguing. We got rid of Fangirl and Knives so we wouldn't have any of this fighting. Grass-man, stop complaining and cut the potatoes."

"Grass-man?"

She shrugged. "I need a nickname for you. Give me time, I'll come up with a good one."

"Okay!" Aang said brightly, returning to the room with a bag full of seal jerky. "I got the seal jerky from Gran-Gran, who said something about not using any salt?"

Katara nodded, snatching the bag from Aang with more force than necessary. "Seal jerky is already really salty. If we add any more, it'll ruin the whole dinner."

"I've got the carrots Uncle wanted," Zuko said, causing everyone in the room to jump in fright.

"What the -- where were you?" Jet asked, ducking as Katara wrenched a knife out of the cutlery board on the other side of his head. "Watch it!"

"I was in the pantry," he replied easily, "and Katara, you really should be careful with those knives."

She glared at him so feircely that even Jet winced.

"What did I just say about fighting?" Toph hissed dangerously, jabbing at Katara with her wooden spoon. "Apologize to Jet and Sparky, Sweetness."

"No."

With a glare of her own, Toph reached out and thwacked Katara on the head with the doughy spoon. She cried out, and Jet started snickering, earning himself a smack on the head. "Ow! Don't do that, Blindness!"

"What did you call me?"

"What," he replied, rubbing his head and coming back with a doughy hand, which he glared at, "you're the only one who can give people nicknames?"

"Give me a nickname if you want to, but don't make it a reference to my blindness."

"What was that about fighting?" Zuko asked airily, snatching the unused knife from Katara and beginning to chop the carrots.

"Shut up!" Toph shouted.

"Everyone just calm down!" Aang interrupted, shoving Jet away from Toph, and thinking that maybe they should have sent Jet off with Mai after all. Sure, Jet probably would have come back with a whole crew of new holes all over his body, but there would be far less stress and frustration for everyone involved. "Toph, don't smack people with dough. Jet, don't insult Toph. Katara... whatever it is that you're mad about, get over it. And Zuko, just... chop the carrots and stop being snarky."

Zuko saluted with the knife, Katara fumed silently across the counter, and Jet -- in an uncharacteristic show of gentlemanliness, bowed to Aang and then stepped forward and hugged Toph, saying warmly, "I'm sorry I insulted you, Beautiful. That a better nickname?"

Toph blushed. "Yes, it is."

Jet grinned. "You know, I like you. You've got spunk. You would fit right in with the Freedom Fighters." In spite of herself, Toph giggled happily.

Aang gave Toph an odd look. Was she giggling? Since when did she giggle? And at something Jet had said, no less. Annoyed in spite of himself, he turned to Jet. "Didn't you disband the Freedom Fighters? What are you still fighting for? And if you say 'freedom,' so help me..."

"Equality," Jet replied easily. "There's still a lot of prejudice and hatred out in the Earth Kingdom. We keep the Fire Nation dickwads from attacking innocent Earth Kingdom citizens, and vice-versa."

"I would," Toph replied, still blushing, "but I already promised Zuko that I'd move to the palace and be his bodyguard."

"You need a sixteen-year-old blind girl to be your bodyguard?" Katara asked, snorting. Zuko shrugged, refusing to rise to the bait.

"Half of the nobility thinks I've ruined the Fire Nation forever. Who better to protect me from scheming nobility than a walking lie detector who also happens to be the greatest Earthbender in the world?"

"I'm liking this cooking thing more and more," Toph said, a huge grin on her face. "Go on, talk more about how awesome I am."

"As much as I love stroking Toph's ego, can we please get back to work?" Katara cut in, annoyed that her intended insult had backfired so spectacularly.

"If you like," Jet drawled, leaning against the counter and smirking at Katara, "we can stroke your ego. Among other things."

Three people then smacked Jet across the face (Katara), back of the head (Zuko), and shoulder (Aang). Meanwhile, Toph roared with laughter.

"I'm sorry, but you walked right into that one, Sugar Queen," she said.

"I FOUND THE BLACK BEANS!" Ty Lee shouted, bounding into the room suddenly, startling everyone and causing Toph to let out a very un-Toph-like shriek and drop her spoon. Ty Lee looked around the kitchen, to see everyone glaring at her. "What? It was hard. You water-tribe people don't organize your pantries."

"That's called a royal flush, it's the highest hand you can get, beats everything else," Sokka explained, ignoring the total boredom on Mai's face. "It's also like, impossible, so you're probably never gonna use that information."

Suki sighed. "Kyoshi Hold 'Em is really easy to get the hang of, I promise," she said tightly. "But it's really boring with only three people. You need a big group and some alcohol to make it interesting."

"And a lack of clothes?" Mai asked sardonically. Suki shook her head.

"No, that just makes it annoying."

"If you ask me, the best way to make Kyoshi Hold 'Em interesting is to play with Jet and Ty Lee. But they're both in... the... kitchen..." Sokka trailed off, a look of absolute horror crossing over his face.

"What is it, baby?" Suki asked. Sokka looked between Suki and Mai.

"If Jet is in the kitchen," he started ominously, "where are the rest of his crew?"

"This is a terrible idea," Smellerbee insisted, for what had to have been the twelfth time. Longshot shrugged, clearly unwilling to get involved in any way, but the Duke waved her off.

"It's important information! Blasting powder is useless when it gets wet, so we need to find a way around that. And what better place to do so than the South Pole, where everything is cold and wet? Besides," he said, suddenly jumping as the spark hit the fuse and bolting back to Bee and Longshot, "setting things on fire will make it warmer in here."

"Fire melts ice, in case you didn't know. We might destroy the whole lodge."

"Eh," the Duke shrugged, "this place is crawling with waterbenders. They'll just fix it right back up."

Suki, Sokka, and Mai bolted from the common area, shouting for Jet to get his smarmy little butt out of the kitchen and find his crew.

"Where can they be? This lodge is huge!" Sokka whined, looking around, afraid.

"They're all sleeping in your room," Suki replied hurriedly, "Let's start there!"

The three of them ran off in desperation, but Sokka's room turned out to be empty, if horrifically messy. Sokka cast about in dismay.

"What did they do to this place? After all that time I put into cleaning it last week..."

"They're kids, Sokka," Mai drawled, surprisingly calm and understanding. "What did you expect? Where might they go? You know them better than I do."

Sokka leaned against the wall, thinking. "The Duke and Pipsqueak used to blow things up all the time, didn't they?" Suki groaned.

"We have to find them."

"Oh, calm down," Mai insisted. "Blasting powder is useless when it gets wet. They won't be able to blow anything up in all this snow."

As soon as the words were out of her mouth, a loud explosion rocked the entire lodge, nearly knocking them off their feet. Sokka and Suki both turned to Mai, who looked both annoyed and, strangely enough, amused.

"Guess they're inventing new and exciting ways to cause mass destruction," Sokka sighed. "What are you so happy about?" he snapped at Mai, "they're destroying my home."

"Anyone who can find a way to cause a massive explosion in the middle of a blizzard on the South Pole has my respect," Mai answered serenely, folding her hands into her sleeves like a noblewoman at high court. "Besides, this makes things much more fun."

"Let's just find them before Gran-Gran does," Suki said, shaking loose snow out of her hair and stalking out of the room. Sokka winced.

"Oh, man, Gram-Pakku is going to be furious..."

Mai stopped. "Gram-Pakku?"

Sokka waved her off, "Long story. Come on."

"What was that?" Ty Lee asked, clinging desperately to a chair leg. Around the kitchen, devastation reigned. Katara had been knocked off her feet and fallen backwards onto Zuko, who had also overbalanced and crashed into the table, trying to keep both himself and Katara on their feet, which he had failed spectacularly at, so they were both now on the ground underneath the overturned table. Jet had fallen unceremoniously against the stew pot, spilling half of its (scalding) contents on himself and Aang, and now both of them were howling in pain while trying to salvage as much of the food as possible. Toph had been knocked off the counter and landed gracelessly on Ty Lee, who had been in the process of getting up onto the countertop to avoid the worst of the blast, leaving the two of them tangled up on the floor beside the upturned table.

"I think," Zuko rasped, voice muffled in Katara's hair, "that Jet should find his friends."

Katara winced, trying to sit up without causing any further harm, but found herself trapped between the heavy table and a rapidly-suffocating Zuko. "Help?" she asked in a tiny voice, adjusting her position to let him breathe as much as possible, but catching Zuko directly in the ribcage with her elbow. "Sorry, Zuko."

"It's all right," he replied breathlessly, "I didn't really need that lung anyway."

Ty Lee tried to jump up to help her friends, but tripped over Toph's leg and sprawled forward, landing on Jet just as he was rising to his feet. He growled at her. "Aren't you supposed to be an acrobat? What's with this clumsiness?"

She shot him a venomous glare and leaped nimbly to her feet, uncaring if she "accidentally" kicked him in the shin in the process. Jet yelped and then gave up on trying to stand (and, it appeared, on life in general), just falling back against the ground and whimpering. With Toph's help, Ty Lee managed to pull the table off of Zuko and Katara, who both shuffled to their feet uncertainly. Aang stood over the half-empty pot, staring at it with extreme pain and desolation.

"All that work..." he said sadly. Katara shot him a look of sympathy, and then walked over to heal the burns he'd received from the stew.

"What about me?" Jet asked, as Katara stepped directly over him to get to Aang. "I'm burnt way worse than he is."

She shot him a scathing look. "It's your fault this happened. If you'd kept an eye on your crew like a good leader should, they wouldn't have just blown up half the world."

"How is it my fault? You don't even know that it was them!"

"I found your little delinquents," a voice drawled from the doorway. Jet sat up on his elbows. Standing there, holding the Duke in one hand and Smellerbee in the other (Longshot had wisely decided not to fight the inevitable, and thus had been allowed to follow behind), was an older man with a pointy mustache, and an expression of supreme fury on his face. "They blew up my home!"

"Grandfather, I am so sorry," Katara urged, stepping forward.

"You blew up his home?" Jet asked, incredulous.

"In my defense," the Duke squeaked, "I had no idea the rocket would fly that far." Smellerbee shot him a glare.

"It's a blizzard, genius. You thought shooting a flaming cylinder of blasting powder up into the wind would be a good idea?"

"Well," he spluttered, "yeah, kinda."

Pakku shook them angrily. They both squealed in terror. Jet stood up, deciding that if ever there was a time to lay the charm on thick, it was now. "Master Pakku, I'm terribly sorry. It's my fault," he said earnestly, laying a hand on his chest and wincing as he touched the burn and his hand squelched in the half-cooked stew. "I should have brought them in here with me to help Master Iroh with the cooking, but I left them to their own devices. I know how antsy they get when they're bored, but I never thought they would resort to explosives. Please, sir, they're just children. They didn't mean any harm. I'll pay for whatever damages they incurred."

The old man looked slightly mollified, and set the two kids down on the ground, where they promptly slipped and landed in sitting positions. "Well, no one was hurt, and it's nothing that can't be rebuilt fairly easily. Just..." he glared at the Duke, "never do anything like this again, understand me?"

"Loud and clear, Mister Mustache-Man," the Duke replied, saluting fearfully. Pakku turned to Smellerbee, who nodded, eyes wide.

"Won't happen again. We're done with explosives. Never again!"

Pakku growled, but didn't press the issue. "Katara, I'm placing them in your charge. I trust that you can control them better than," he looked Jet over, "him?"

Jet bit back a violent retort. Katara nodded deeply. "Of course, Grandfather. I won't let them out of my sight."

"I promise you, this will not happen again," Jet said, trying to convince Pakku that he was fully capable of taking care of two pyromanic children (and Longshot). The old man raised an eyebrow, turned on his heel, and left, ignoring Jet entirely. "Asshole," he muttered under his breath, reaching out to help Smellerbee and the Duke to their feet. "Seriously, though, don't do that again. Fire melts ice, you know?"

"That's what I told him," Bee insisted. "What happened to your chest?"

"Oh!" Katara said, jolting into action. "I'm sorry, but in the... I completely forgot about the burn!" She rushed forward to heal him, wincing at the glare he gave her.

"Thanks, Katara," he hissed, "now I'm gonna have a scar."

"Oh, no," Zuko said sarcastically, reaching out and clutching Jet's arm. "A scar? How terrible! Your life is over!"

Katara snorted in spite of herself, as the annoyance bled out of Jet's expression and was replaced by sheepish embarrassment. "Yeah, how horrible that he might have a little scar on his chest. Isn't that the worst thing in the world, Zuko?"

"Oh, it's just awful," he replied dramatically, a hand over his heart, "he should probably commit ritual suicide to avoid the shame and degradation of such a nasty fate."

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry for whining about it. Just shut up," he grumbled. Zuko glared at him, and he realized that Zuko was less amused and more angry for Jet's overreaction to such a small scar, especially considering... He winced. "Thanks for healing me, Katara," he mumbled sincerely.

"You're welcome," she responded coolly, and returned to the stew. "I think we can still salvage most of this. We just need to bulk it up some"

"Rice is good for that," Ty Lee answered helpfully, looking between Jet and Zuko with what might have been anticipation (Aang could practically hear her mentally begging them to make out). "We can serve the stew over it and it'll go a lot further."

Katara nodded. "Good idea. Let's get this dinner finished."

"By the way," Aang mused, tossing some seasoning on the bread dough that was sitting out to rise. "Wasn't this Iroh's idea? Where is he, anyway?"

"Apple-hunting," Ty Lee replied. "Speaking of... Hey, Bee, do you have any apples?"

Smellerbee shot Ty Lee a dark look. "Yeah, but they're not for sale. They're the last of the harvest!"

"You have apples?" Aang said, leaning forward in desperate hope. "I need apples. I promised my flying bison he could have some if he took care of Sokka, and we really don't want an angry Appa who didn't get his apples."

"Not for sale."

"Pleeeease?" Aang pleaded. "I'll do anything!"

Smellerbee smirked, and Aang immediately realized that he had made a huge mistake. "Anything?" Aang gulped. The smirk became a full-blown grin.

Just then, Aang was saved by the arrival of Sokka, Suki, and Mai. "We were looking for -- Oh, they're here," Sokka said, slightly disappointed.

"Yeah, Pakku found them," Jet replied sourly. "They blew up his home. And now, Katara has to take care of them because apparently I'm not good enough."

"Well," Mai said slowly, "you aren't."

Sokka glanced at Mai, and then shuffled surreptitiously away from her. Ty Lee rushed over to maintain what peace she could. Jet's eyes narrowed. "Look, Bitchy McGloom, I've had a really, magnificently, horribly awful day, and you are doing nothing for my nerves. I have your knives, and right now, I am not above killing you with them."

"You think those are all the knives Mai has?" Ty Lee asked, stepping between Jet and Mai. "Because, trust me, she's got at least twenty hidden on her person. Calling her a bitch right now? Bad idea." She shook her head, drawing a knife across her throat as if to indicate just how bad an idea it was. Then she turned to the other girl. "But Mai, you really should try to be nicer to Jet. He has had a bad day."

"And I am so concerned about that."

Jet finally snapped, snarling, and lunged at Mai, but Ty Lee stopped him with a few quick jabs. "Sorry I had to do that, but seriously, she would kill you, in a really gruesome way." Smellerbee and the Duke both leaped forward to catch Jet as he collapsed.

"What did you do to him?" Smellerbee shouted, fear on her face, obviously remembering Lake Laogai. Ty Lee held her hands up in a gesture of supplication.

"Nothing, nothing. I just hit a couple of pressure points. He'll recover in about fifteen minutes."

"I'm beginning to wish I'd never come here," Jet muttered darkly.

"Don't say that!" Ty Lee implored. "Haven't you had a lot of fun here? And you've made things much more interesting, even Mai can agree to that. Right, Mai?" The girl in question waved her hand unconcernedly. Ty Lee glared. "Right, Mai?" she repeated angrily. Mai's eyes widened almost imperceptibly.

"Right," she conceded, "He might be annoying as hell, but he does make things interesting."

Ty Lee nodded and beamed. "There now, we can all be friends. Let's get to cooking!" She bounded over to the fire to help Katara and Zuko (who were talking in low voices about something) with the stew. Mai looked at Jet.

"I am not your friend."

He sneered at her. "I didn't want to be your friend anyway."

Smellerbee glared at Mai as the other girl walked away, but the Duke appeared thoughtful. "You know, she's really pretty." He turned to Jet, grinning. "You like her, don't you?"

Jet groaned and fell back onto the ground.

A/N: I accidentally forgot to post this when I wrote it, so I'm posting this one and the next part together. Also, I'm jumping off the Slippery Slope of Crack Ships. You're warned. (Also, in case you're wondering, Sokka does not, at the moment, know that Jet kissed Suki.)