Oh, it tears me up
I tried to hold on but it hurts too much
I tried to forgive but it's not enough
To make it all okay

-James Morrison, Broken Strings.

See, there are times where I have to question the purpose of the male gender, sure they help reproduce the world and give you a cheap thrill when they have successfully sweet talked their way into your pants, but at the end of the day, if we could populate the world on our own, I would bin the lot of them...

Besides dearest Nathaniel of course.

Like seriously, I hate them all...okay one in particular, yeah you guessed it- him. It had been a whole two weeks since the kiss fiasco, the kiss disaster, the kiss that resulted in Armageddon, and not a word had been exchanged. I was still living with the slightly irritating but completely gorgeous in a jailbait kind of way- Nate. And no offence to the dude but I was going freaking loco. The apartment lacked any sense of female presence, the rooms all beige , sparsely decorated with music memorabilia, hell there wasn't even enough room in his bathroom cabinet for me to stock my necessities. I guess that's what you get for growing up in a household dominated by males.

But at the end of the day, this was now my home, well for the foreseeable future anyway, until I had enough money in my bank to put down a deposit on a place of my own. Which lets face isn't going to be any time soon.

Argh!

Why does Shane have to be such a fucking oblivious, gorgeous son of a bitch? All I want in the whole wide world is to be in my own living room, by the fire, wrapped up in Shane's arms as he whispered sweet nothings in my ear. For my head to be resting on his chest, hearing his heart race at a million miles per hour, and knowing that I had caused that. But none of that was going to happen, was it? He had made that perfectly clear.

'Friends don't do that' yeah, cool. Nice one Shane. Don't you think you could have realised that before you rammed your tongue down my throat?

No?

Well Okay then, have it your way. Like always.

I was a mess, physically and mentally. Life was dragging on, everyday blurring into the next, as Christmas fast approached. The season of good will and happiness.

Well for me it's going to be the season of having an affair with my two boyfriends Ben and Jerry numerous times. I was fed up with feeling sorry for myself , I was fed up of crying in Nate's arms night after night

I was tired of being lost.

I was a lost cause.

I uncrossed my legs as I wrapped up my last Christmas present- Shane's, leaving it till the end on purpose. It was a goal, a target. I wanted him to have it, and I wanted to be the one to give it to him under good terms. I wanted for us to be okay again before Christmas. But not even I could be certain if that would ever happen. I sighed, placing it to the corner, my mind taking me back to last Christmas, and how much happier everyone was, wishing, hoping that this year's could be the same.

I raised the class of red wine sitting beside me to the air, raising a toast to myself "here's for a Christmas miracle."

SHANE;

Ever felt that you are the biggest idiot on the face of the earth, that there surely is no one dumber than you gracing the planet?

Well that's exactly how I'm currently feeling.

I had made a monumental mistake, and I was now paying for it. I was miserable, I'm not going to lie about it. I don't know what possessed me to even kiss her in the first place. Don't get me wrong, I had wanted to do that for as long as I can remember, but it was out of character, spontaneous, and my reaction to it? Completely fucking stupid.

Truth be told, I didn't regret it, not in the slightest, I could have gone on till I was blue in the face. I could have been a man and told her how I felt, but no. Minutes after I had finally gotten back on speaking terms with her, I fuck things up and back to square one we go. And now here I was, sitting in the studio, where we should be writing songs for our new album, but instead I'm receiving a lecture from dearest little brother Nathaniel

Relationship expert extraordinaire.

Yeah, right. He may be attractive to the ladies, but that doesn't mean he can get one. His idea of a serious long term relationship is religiously watching Jennifer Aniston on friends.

"Okay I'm sick of watching two of the most important people in my life be miserable. I was determined to let you guys sort it out yourself, but it's been made perfectly clear that neither of you are willing to make the first move, so here I am, making it for you"

I sighed "Nate, please"

"No. I've sat here for weeks now watching you two get more and more distant and I won't let it happen. You're in the wrong. You need to sort your head and your heart out before I sort you out. And trust me that involves disfiguring that face of yours"

"Look, I know I was wrong...but..."

"No buts. You know, you are one prized prat. Seriously Shane sometimes I wonder how on earth you managed to keep Mitchie around until now. You struck gold with that one, but you are letting her slip through your fingers because you are too goddamn blind to realise that she is head over heels in love with you" Nate finished, his breathing now heavy and his cheeks supporting a nice red glow to them

"I know" I replied quietly, moving my gaze to the floor, feeling ashamed all of a sudden.

"WHAT!" Nate practically shouted, now grabbing the attention of Jason who was mindlessly playing on his Xbox - again."You knew!? And yet you've made her suffer through endless amounts of pain and disappointment?" Nate was now livid as he grabbed my shoulder roughly "and you fucking kissed her? What the hell is wrong with you dude. For weeks I've been on your side, cos you're my brother, but she' right, you're a mindfuck, you've been messing with her head all this time. And can you blame her for hating you? Dude, fuck you"

I felt as if I was two feet tall as I slumped my shoulders "I only found out at Thanksgiving Nate, I swear. I overheard you two talking after the...kiss. I never knew she felt that way, how long has she been, you know, in love with me?"

Nate's expression fell slightly as the colour of rage drained from his face. He ran his hands through his dishevelled curls "Do you want me to be honest with you Shane?"

I nodded, gulping harshly, my heart beginning to race all of a sudden

"Try seven years, give or take" he stated simply, shrugging as my eyes went wide

Seven years?

Seven fucking years.

"You mean all these years I've loved her and she's felt the same way?!"

"WHAT!?" Nate shouted again as I looked at him confused, why was he shouting now...oh shit, had I said that out loud.

Oh fuck my life, a little.

I bit my lip as I tried to find a way out of the inevitable confrontational talk, but I couldn't, I was surrounded, and deep down, I knew this needed to be said. "Umm yeah" I mumbled, shuffling my feet from side to side.

"Oh mother of god, I can't believe this" Nate threw his hands up in the air before bursting out in hysterical laughter

What the fuck? Someone call a doctor, I think Nathaniel has gone crazy. I stood there awkwardly as I was obviously missing the funny aspect of whatever was just said "What's so funny"

"You two. Actually not so much funny, more tragic. Why have you never said anything to me though Shane, you know you can always talk to me"

I shrugged "I don't know, I just never thought she liked me like that, I mean she never gave me any signals..."

And once again Nate went wide eyed and burst into an annoyed laughter "Are you freaking kidding me?! No signals? Okay, that new makeover – all for you. When she would cook you dinner, all for you. Never liking any of your previous whorish girlfriends, now Shane, I think you'll find that's jealousy because she's in love with you!!" Nate practically shouted, shaking me as he said each statement. "Jeez, you two are going to give me my first Grey hair aged 18 if you dont sort yourself out."

And then it clicked into place, it all made sense, why hadn't I noticed any of this before, Oh dear god, I really was an idiot.

"Shane?" Nate waved his hand in front of me, knocking me out of my thoughts as I brought my focus back to him "...do you love her?"

I nodded "Of course I do" I answered sincerely

"No, be honest here, I'm talking about love, not best friend love"

"Nate" I breathed out. I know he was only doing this for the benefit of both of us, he and Mitchie were always close but over recent weeks they have been inseparable and he would never let anything bad happen to her if he could help it. And neither would I "I'm in love with her."

I couldn't help but grin as I admitted it out loud for the first time as I repeated myself "I'm in love with Mitchie Torres" I couldn't help but love how easy the sentence came from my mouth, the feeling that was building up in the pit of my stomach

Nate smiled and let out a sigh of relief, his body relaxing significantly "then you've got to fix things Shane. You've got to tell her everything you've just told me and more."

I nodded a sudden rush of adrenaline hitting me, I was going to do this. I was going to fix things "Okay! I'll do it now. Where is she? Is she at home? In class?"

"She's at work, she gets off at 5"

"Okay!" I grabbed my coat and phone off of the desk, throwing my arms around Nate in a tight yet excited embrace before thanking him

"Now go get your girl"

I was going to get my girl.

MITCHIE:

It was a surprisingly slow day at work, and my manager had already let off two of the guys as there were simply not enough people to serve. Maybe people were taking the hint- don't spend money on the run up to Christmas on food and unnecessary things, save and buy people nice and expensive presents. Well that's what I told Nate to do, but we all know Nate's love for food.

To be honest, I think I'll be getting a bar of chocolate for Christmas, and even then, I think he'll be the one that eats it.

I sighed as I straightened out my uniform, brushing out any creases that were forming as a result of leaning against the bar all night, as my attention was caught by the doors opening, my breath catching in my throat as soon as I identified the person.

"Shit" I muttered under my breath, looking around frantically trying to find an escape. My eyes landed on the door leading into the back kitchen, my legs taking me as fast as I could as I proceeded to avoid Shane's presence.

I'd take an early break, yeah. And then he would be gone by the time I'm back and everything would go back to normal. I sunk into the chair in the staff area, unwrapping myself a sandwich I had made earlier, not feeling the need to wait around for the chef's to knock me up something this evening as I shoved it into my mouth. I let out a satisfied moan as the doors opened, Natalie, one of the waitresses came in looking flustered "You have a visitor out front, it's that sexy roommate of yours" she said with a wink

I swallowed the last bite of my sandwich as I shrugged, not caring.

"What's the deal with you two, are you beneficial friends? Is he any good?" And this reminded me as to why I never socialised with anyone from work besides Simon, because they were nosey, and always wanted a piece of the Grey's. My face flustered red slightly as mental images slipped into my thoughts involuntarily.

"Err, nothing is going on between us"

Her eyes lit up "Well I might try my luck, he's quite the catch, don't suppose you could get his number for me?"

A wave of jealousy hit me like a freight train, I was not having this loose legged slut (no offence Natalie) getting a piece of my man "Oh he's got a girlfriend. Did I forget to mention that? Yeah they are really serious actually"

Oh Mitchie, you little liar.

"Oh" her expression fell, looking a little sad for all of about ten seconds before a grin spread across her face "Oh well, he's not that fit anyway. Anyway I'll tell him you're busy" and with that she left, her heels clonking against the tiled floor.

I closed my eyes, noticing I still had 42 minutes left of my lunch hour and I was not going to waste some precious alone time. I let sleep overtake me until the alarm on my phone went off, a groan escaping my lips as I hoisted myself off of the sofa.

Glancing at the clock I had little over an hour left till the end of my shift anyway. I went back to the restaurant floor as Natalie handed her tables over to me, telling me there was a sad looking guy on table 12 that needed at little more conversation than the usual customer. I didn't mind that, normally the talkative ones leave a bigger tip, which is all welcomed in the Mitchie housing fund.

I sorted out a few payments before strolling over to table 12, a booth in the corner of the restaurant normally occupied by loved up couples. I plastered a fake smile on my face ready to make some poor guys evening a little bit easier, well that was until I saw who the guy was

"What the hell are you doing here?" I asked in an icy tone. He doesn't even bother making contact with me for weeks, yet now, now of all days he strolls into my place of work.

Yeah Shane, nice one.

"I came to see you" he stated simply, raising his head from the table, butterflies erupting in my stomach the moment I caught sight of his face properly. There was no doubt that the son of a bitch sitting in front of me was getting more and more attractive as each day passed, the stubble on his face defining his jaw to perfection, the black framed glasses on his face, showing off his eyes. My eyes involuntarily closed for a second as the waft of his signature cologne filled my senses, the scent I could always associate with Shane, the scent which made me go weak at the knees.

"I'm busy, if it's not obvious enough, I'm working" I went to turn away, knowing that my other tables needed my attention far more than this indecisive loser.

"Cant you just hear me out?" he pleaded

"How about...no" and with that I turned on my heels, leaving him sitting in the booth, alone.

The remainder of my shift went fairly quickly as I managed to turn all my tables over before I had to hand over, in other words meaning I got the tips, rather than someone else for doing absolutely nothing. I swiped my card through the time clock before throwing on my coat, hat and scarf, the December weather being unusually harsh.

So harsh in fact that we had snow,

Yes I know. Texas and snow don't normally go in the same sentence as one another, but this year, it was like the South Pole.

Hello global warming is all I can say.

I grabbed my bag, slinging it over my shoulder as I left the staff area, striding across the restaurant floor to leave. I stole a quick glance at table twelve, noticing Shane was still there, eyes glued to me as he fumbled to pick up his coat, throwing it on in the attempts to follow me.

I quickened my pace, my legs already burning from hours of work, but I didn't care, the sooner I was home, door locked and away from him, the better.

I had almost made it successfully around the corner when I felt a hand grip onto my arm, bringing me to a complete stand still.

"Can we just talk Mitchie, just hear me out, please?" his grip tightened around my wrist as I did all in my power to break free from his hold.

I let out an unattractive scoff "Why Shane? Because funnily enough I don't fancy hearing more verbal rejection come from your mouth" I spat out, my tone blunt, a I dared to look into his eyes, my icy glare only causing his expression to fall even more. I inhaled deeply, gulping the breath back as I fought against my emotions, not wanting to show that I cared.

"Mitchie" he pleaded, his voice more demanding as he yanked my arm, spinning me around so I was now face to face with him, the wind blowing my hair in all directions, partially blocking my view of his beautiful face.

The distance between us was literally nonexistent as I let my mind wonder back to the last time we were this close, and what inevitably happened. The kiss replaying in my head, over and over again. I shivered at the thought, my body convulsing slightly as I became freezing all of a sudden, causing Shane to rub his hand up and down my arm.

My teeth dug into my bottom lip as I tried to prevent a whimper escaping my lips, I didn't want to be here, I didn't want to do this again. I was sick of the tears, the sleepless nights. I wanted to be happy, and if that meant no Shane, then so be it.

"Mitchie, please, just...5 minutes" he reasoned "five minutes, and if you don't believe me, I'll turn around and leave you alone"

I remained silent. Do I give him the time of day? My heart was screaming yes, but my head was having other ideas. I lowered my gaze to the ground, aimlessly admiring the footprints imprinted in the snow.

"Do you really hate me that much?" he let out in just above a whisper. I brought my gaze up to meet his, his eyes glistening "what happened to us Mitchie? We were unbreakable, what the hell happened?"

I couldn't formulate an answer, his sad almost desperate voice, causing sobs to build up at the back of my throat, my head throbbing from the over excessive thinking.

He sighed, finally dropping my arm from his grip, letting it fall to my side lifelessly before stuffing his cold hands into his pockets. He nodded as he let out a sad chuckle to himself, looking up to the sky as the snow continued to fall. Shane turned on his heels and began to walk down the pathway, his head hung low, causing my heart to break even more.

Don't do this Mitchie, don't let him walk away- "Shane!" I called out his name as I fastened my pace, trying to catch up to him as he came to a complete standstill, turning around looking at me from a tear streaked face.

"Five minutes"

We walked silently to the nearest cafe, the warmth hitting me as soon as I entered the building, surrounding me like a hug, my limbs slowly coming back to life as I'm pretty sure I've got frostbite. I climbed into one of the booths as Shane wordlessly went to buy us some drinks.

He set down the two cups of hot chocolate on the table as he sat opposite me, slipping off his coat, and pushing his glasses up his nose slightly.

"We need to talk" he finally spoke up, breaking the silence.

No shit Sherlock, I thought that was the whole reason I was currently sitting in some deserted cafe sitting opposite him- which by the way, whilst we're on the subject of Shane, looks incredible wearing those black framed glasses.

I nodded "yeah"

"You know that I would never ever do anything to intentionally hurt you Mitchie..." he began, yet my short temper caused me to interrupt

"But you did."

He sighed, resting his hands, palm down on the table "not intentionally!" he protested, his voice raised

"I seem to remember you were the one who initiated that kiss Shane, not me. You were then the one who said it was a mistake. Not me." My voice cracked several times, it betraying me as my emotions slipped slightly.

His eyebrows furrowed slightly as he leaned back into the leather booth, obviously trying to figure out something. I watched curiously whilst sipping on the hot chocolate as Shane's silence continued, the atmosphere getting more and more awkward as each second passed. "But I thought...." he trailed off.

"You thought what Shane?" I asked a little annoyed, I was more than sure that his five minutes were up, but I couldn't bring myself to leaving. It was warm in here, it was the bloody Antarctic outside, and as much as I don't want to admit it, this is the most content I've been with life for weeks.

"You didn't...you didn't regret that kiss?"

It was my turn to go completely silent. It really was now or never. Everyone else on the face of the earth (well okay that's an exaggeration) knew how I felt, why not him. I inhaled deeply before evenly answering "no. well, I did when you told me you did, but otherwise no"

"Why didn't you say something then?"

I let out a slight laugh, finding him pathetically humorous "Why? Oh I don't know, maybe because I didn't want to look like a fool Shane, you're right that's not what friends do, but do you know what?! I don't want to be friends anymore"

His expression looked as if I had just killed a kitten in front of him "What? Why? I'm sorry Mitchie, I'm really sorry for everything, please, I don't know what I would do without you in my life"

"No Shane" I said softly, shaking my head "you have no idea how much you mean to me, and you have had such a massive impact on my life, you have shown me things I never thought I'd see, you have treated me like a princess, but I cant, I won't let myself go through anymore heartache. Don't you see Shane? Don't you see that we cant be friends because I'm in love with you. I cant stand around feeling the way I do, watching you with someone else, knowing that'll never be me. I cant let myself go through the pain. Losing you from my life will be excruciating, but keeping you would kill me"

There I had said it, he finally knew, he knew exactly how I felt towards him, there was no going back. I sat back all of a sudden feeling extremely vulnerable as I eagerly waited for a reply, scared of what I was about to hear.

"And I don't think you know how much you mean to me Mitchie" he counteracted "I want to let you into a little secret, but you've got to promise me not to say anything until I have finished, okay?"

I nodded, my hands gripping onto the mug of hot chocolate for dear life, my knuckles turning white.

"I may have been keeping something from you for a while now, like you did to me. You know if you had told me before how you felt, I probably would have told you my feelings. Do you remember my Cousin Cheryl's wedding, I invited you along because I didn't want to go alone..." I gave him a pointed look "okay, okay I was too scared to go alone. We were both 15 and I had never seen you in a dress since you were like four, and all I could do was just stare. You looked amazing. I had never seen you look more gorgeous up until that point. Hell I didn't even think you could look that good, no offence. I didn't know at the time, but something changed. I saw you in this completely different light, and I felt like my chest had been hit by a truck. I was confused and scared. I couldn't have a crush on my best friend. Not my Mitchie. But I did. And I watched you grow into this amazingly gorgeous woman that you are today, harbouring a crush that was progressively getting bigger and harder to hide. But I didn't want to ruin us, I, I cherish what we have so much that I just didn't want to jeopardise it. I couldn't and I cant imagine my life without you being a significant part of it. So I went through girlfriend after girlfriend hoping to find someone better than you, someone I could love without losing you. But I couldn't. I could never put much into a relationship when my heart belonged to someone else. Belonged to you. And even though it upset me every time a relationship when to bust, I was more upset that I could potentially ruin everything. And I did. When I kissed you, I ruined us. I had let my guard slip, I had broken the promise I had made myself and I lost you. But this is me Mitchie, this is me fighting for you. Because I'm done with hiding, I'm done with playing games, and now I know you feel the same, I am not letting you slip through my fingers."

I'm pretty sure I've stopped breathing. I'm pretty sure that about five minutes ago I died and went to heaven. My eyes were as wide as crop circles, my heart racing in my chest uncontrollably. Even if I wanted to say something, I simply couldn't. I was rendered speechless.

"I know I've been a fool, and I know I have put you through pain and disappointment, but let me make it up to you. I'll do anything. These past couple of months have been torturous, I felt like there was a part of me missing, and that missing piece is you. I know I'm a jerk, I know I can be selfish and stupid sometimes, but I'll change. You have always been my number one. And I guess there's just one more thing for me to say..."

"I love you" he said, intertwining his hands with mine.

My mouth went dry as I tried to process his words, surely my brain was making up shit again, either that or Shane was talking shit.

"This is your queue to speak" he prompted, as he bit his lip, his hands shaking in mine, his nerves evident.

"Don't say that" I managed to choke out, my throat feeling like sandpaper

"Why not?" he asked confused, as I pulled away from his grip entirely, putting my head in my hands, the tears soaking onto my fingers.

"You don't mean it, don't say things you don't mean Shane, I cant take any more false hope and heart ache. I just cant" I whimpered, my voice cracking, soft sobs escaping from my lips.

"I mean this Mitchie, I do, you've got to believe me when I say, that I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. I've been in love with you for nearly five years, I love you so much sometimes it hurts. Just give me a chance, let me show you how sorry I am. Come back home..."

I continued to sob my mind in over drive as all my dreams were turning into reality.

He let out a defeated sigh " You're mad at me, it's okay, I cant say I blame you, I'm sorry. I'll leave you alone. I'm so sorry for everything" he hoisted himself off of the leather chair as he slung on his coat, his lips pursed in a tight line.

Don't do this Mitchie, do not let him walk away, you have a chance to be happy, a real chance to be happy.

I grabbed his arm, his head whipping around at lightning speed as I stood up, pulling him towards me, my body pressed up against his.

"You know sometimes actions speak louder than words" I said, looking straight into his eyes as I wrapped my arms around his neck.

A sly grin spread across Shane's lips as he raised an eyebrow, "Oh really?" he questioned, leaning in, his hot breath tickling my skin, his eyes on my lips

I pulled his head down slightly as I gently pressed my lips to his, instantly smiling against them "really".

Well there you go, there is another glorious chapter. I bet you I post this before my other updates, which I've been working on a hell of a lot longer. But I promise you, they are coming. I have like at least 2000 words of each update written, just need to finish it. So I am currently at 163 reviews, get me to 190 and you'll get the chapter you've all been waiting for? Well a drama filled/love filled/ potentially life changing mistake filled chapter!