Coding: Susan Kennedy/Tom Scully
Spoilers: Everything up to episode 4536
Outcast
He has to do this alone, he sees that now. He has to break away from her if they are ever to have a future. He needs to find out who he is, then he'll come back to her. Then he'll be worthy of her – a whole person, not a half-soul over dependent on her.
She'll be his guide, the memory of her will spur him on. He wants her to be proud of him, to see that it's because he loves her that he has to leave.
Choosing Susan was only the beginning, now the real battle is starting and he hopes he has enough fight in him, hopes she has enough faith in him: that he'll always be hers, that he'll come back one day. That when 'one day' comes, she'll still want him.
He's scared to let go, afraid to hurt her; she's still so raw from Karl. And maybe Karl is why he's really leaving – Susan's the only one to send him spinning into loves abyss, but she had been there before, had a life he has no understanding of and he's jealous. He knows Karl is her past, but he's still jealous because he can't compete with thirty-years of history, no matter how tightly he holds her or how often she assures him that he is who she wants to be with.
Sometimes, he feels like he shares her, sees the fleeting looks she throws in the direction of her ex-husband. Sees the pain still fresh, bubbling under her calm surface… and it makes him love her more, but makes it harder to be around her, and saying 'I love you' is starting to feel hackneyed, he still means it but the sentiment keeps getting lost in their day-to-day routine.
Sometimes he feels like an intruder in her life. Like he shouldn't be there; he's an outsider and maybe he should have more patience, wait it out longer, but instinct tells him to go. So much has changed and he needs time alone to get his bearings. He's spinning out of control and he can't tell where north is anymore. He needs time to himself, needs to find a common ground between his faith and her. Something that works, something that he can live with. Then he'll come back.