Disclaimer: See chapter one
A/N: Thanks to the Twilight Lexicon and rereading the ending of New Moon, I have nailed down a very definitive time line for this story. It picks up right after the vote at the Cullen's house. That means no marriage talk with Edward. The fight with Charlie happened, but after her ultimatums, he backed down.
Chapter Five
"Carlisle." I was frozen on the spot, my tears ceasing immediately out of shock. Carlisle diverted his eyes, and it was then that I realized I was wearing nothing but my underwear and robe. I shut the door behind me with a soft click and crossed my arms over my chest in an attempt to hide myself, but it was futile. I was already hidden. I could be standing here in sixteen layers, wrapped up like a burrito, and I was fairly certain I'd still feel exposed.
Carlisle shifted uneasily, and I couldn't help but be struck by how young he looked in that moment. Distinctly vulnerable. How did anyone really believe that he was thirty three? Standing there, his blond hair tousled, in worn out jeans and a black tee-shirt, there was no hint that he was anything older than twenty five. He looked so out of place against the backdrop of my room. It was plain, much like I was on any other day. Wooden floors, faded blue walls. My room lacked personality, and then there was Carlisle, inhumanely beautiful, and everything that I'd never even considered for myself. The man was a force unto himself, and no matter how young he looked now, there was never any denying he was a man.
"Carlisle," I repeated. "What are you doing here?" I was perplexed, and it was enough to distract me from the disaster my day had been.
"I, uh," he stumbled. I was floored. I was not used to seeing Carlisle unsure. "I don't know," he admitted, lamely, and something as dumb as that was enough to make me burst into tears again. Carlisle moved quickly, sitting me down, and taking the tissue from me, dabbing at my eyes gently.
"I really don't need this right now, you know," I choked out with a gasp. "I don't... with everything that's happened... You've been avoiding me for weeks, and you decide to talk to me now? You know, you may be a perfect vampire and all, but your timing is crummy," I sobbed.
He looked down at me, perplexed. "Bella, I don't know what you're talking about."
"Yeah, right. You haven't looked me in the eyes but once since... my appointment. When you can stand to be in the same room as me, which is rarely, you act like... like... like nothing even happened. But it did, and it's not fair that you're not affected."
"Bella, I can assure you that I have most certainly been affected. You need not worry about that," he said with a brittle laugh.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Bella, I haven't met your eyes, nor can I be around you because you are so pitifully wrong in your assumptions, my sweet. I am very much affected by you. And things have changed. Even though we promised they would not." I sucked in a breath, finally understanding that I was dreaming again. "You are so very attractive, and what's worse is that you have no idea."
I thought about it for a moment, but I was so very tired. Not just physically, but mentally too, and it was then that I decided to take Jake's advice. There is only one way to feel better. It's just a dream. Why not?
My eyes met his, and electricity crackled between us. "Carlisle," I whispered. "I don't want to resist you anymore."
"Good, my sweet." In a mirror of what had occurred only hours before, his fingers made quick work of the sash on my robe, and it fell open, and I was exposed before him. His cool fingertips traced over my collar bones, and pushed my robe off of my shoulders. It fell to the floor forgotten, as his fingertips continued on their journey, down my sides, over the swell of my breast, and to my waist, where he gripped my hip, before pulling me against his body roughly.
"You are the most delectable thing I have ever laid eyes on," he whispered, before crushing his lips against mine.
I sighed happily, for the first time not trying to resist him, but giving back, as well. I felt no nervousness, no worry. It just felt right, natural to be doing this with him. I kissed him back, my hands sliding underneath the hem of his shirt and up his hard, muscled back. I melted against him, and when I felt his hands start to creep up my abdomen, it sent a thrill through me.
When his hands came up to cup my breasts, I gasped, and he took the opportunity to slide his tongue inside my mouth, stroking against mine gently but firmly. It was exactly the kind of kiss I had been craving, and I returned it eagerly, as Carlisle's skilled fingers manipulated my achingly hard nipples.
Every stroke of those surgeon's hands caused liquid desire to pool between my legs. I broke the kiss, sucking in a sharp breath, panting. I gazed into his eyes, and they were so dark I couldn't distinguish the iris from the pupil. It sent a shiver through me knowing this was all for me. I kissed him again, hard, and we tumbled onto the bed in a tangle of limbs. I was frantic. My lust had been building for weeks, and it all just spilled out. Our hand and lips were everywhere. I felt like I had to touch, kiss every inch of him. Carlisle couldn't seem to stand to leave any part of me unexplored, and the sensations I felt when he'd stop to nip at or suck on my flesh were unlike anything I'd ever experienced before.
He ran his hands over my ankle, and starting there, he slowly trailed kissed up my calf, to the insides of my thighs. From his place between my legs, he grinned up at me wickedly. "You'll have to apologize to Alice," he said. Before I could question him, his teeth bit into either side of my underwear, and then he ripped them roughly from my body.
It was easily the sexiest thing I'd ever seen, and a moan escaped me. I was so caught up, I was unprepared for the sensation of his tongue swiping along my swollen slit. The strangled noise I made encouraged him, and he did it again, this time using the tip of his tongue to circle my aching clit, and I struggled not to cry out.
"Don't hold back, Bella," he said, before licking me up and down methodically. It was incredibly erotic, and I'd never felt this kind of pleasure before. When I felt his tongue slide between my folds, inside of me, I saw stars. He thrust it in and out a few times, roughly, and my hips bucked against him, the pressure building within me was so intense.
He chuckled, pushing me down again gently. "My sweet, sweet Bella. Let go. I want to watch you cum," he said. When he brought his mouth to me again, he attacked my clit, and it was all I could do no to scream his name. Every stroke of his tongue and the pressure built, only bringing me closer. And then the thing that did it, I looked down, and his eyes locked onto mine. The intensity I saw there was too much, and all the pressure that had built within me just exploded. I felt like I was coming apart beneath his hands, and I thrashed wildly while the pleasure gripped me. It seemed like forever before I came down my high, panting heavily.
His cheek rested against my thigh, and that's when I realized how hot my room had become, and I was grateful for the coolness of his skin. I smiled down at him. "This is the best dream I've ever had," I whispered.
Carlisle smiled at me, the corner of his lips turned up. "Bella, this is no dream," he said, simply.
I waited for the shock, or anxiety to seize me, but it never did. "You know, I think I knew that," I said. I beckoned him to me, and he drew himself up my body until we were face to face. Never looking away from those beautiful dark eyes of his, I made quick work of his jeans, and in moment, I was gripping his hard length. He cursed, and I enjoyed the sound, so I gave him a firm stroke, hoping to hear it again.
I wasn't disappointed. "Fuck. Bella," he groaned. He looked to me for permission, and I kissed him deeply at the same time as he buried himself in me. "Oh my, Bella. I'm so sorry. This wont last long," he said, apologetically.
"No, no, it's okay," I said. I moved against him and he shuddered. "Please. I need to feel you move."
I didn't have to ask twice, before he was thrusting into me, hard and fast. I gripped his shoulders so hard, and I was briefly thankful that he wasn't human, or I'm sure I would have bruised and broken his skin. He seemed to like it. When I moved to meet his thrusts, Carlisle growled, and encouraged, I moved to meet every one. Soon enough I felt a now familiar pressure building inside me, and I was gasping.
"Yes, that's it! Please, I'm so close again," I begged.
He caught on quickly, and before I could even process it, his fingers were stroking my clit with incredible speed. "Cum for me, Bella," he whispered. "Cum with me."
And just as I started to explode for the second time that night, I felt him bury himself inside me to the hilt, before he shuddered, spilling his cool seed inside me.
I trembled, clinging to him as the aftershocks of our incredible sex still gripped me. He pressed his cool lips against my forehead. When I finally started coming back around again, I felt Carlisle's fingers unclasp my bra, before tossing it in the trash with my ruined panties. I looked up at him confused.
"Alice would kill you if you wore them with something that didn't match," he said, looking at me appalled. I laughed, realizing he was right. She would have my head. We lay there for long moments, silent. I was afraid to speak, afraid that either of us would say something that could dispel this wonderful feeling.
And before I could think of anything to say, or even move, the darkness claimed me. And wouldn't you know it, I went without dreams the whole damn night.
I gave Bella over an hour before I finally went up to check on her, concerned. I cracked her door, and three things struck struck me. The room reeked of vampire, and it wasn't Fagward. Two, the air was permeated with a sent that I didn't quite recognize. And three, Bella was passed out. I didn't have the heart to wake her, fully aware that this was probably the first time she's slept in weeks. I could ask her about these things in the morning.
I checked my watch. It was well past midnight, and by now I was sure Charlie was staying the night in La Push with my father. It was too late for me to go back tonight and I'd promised Bella I would stay. How bad can couch crashing be? I figured. I only did it all the time at Sam' stomach growled loudly, announcing the fact that at least that part of me wished I was there now, in a house full of Emily's cooking.
Maybe there's something in the fridge. I'm sure Charlie and Bella wouldn't mind if I helped myself...
I woke to the feeling of the sunshine on my face, and I realized with embarrassment that I must have fallen asleep last night. Last night. Was that even real? I wondered. I sat up in bed, and realized that though I had fallen asleep naked, I no longer was. No way Jake did that. I grinned when I realized I was wearing the very same black shirt I had admired on Carlisle last night. My lower half was clad in plain cotton panties, and the sleep pants that I'd had draped over the back of my computer chair. I smiled to myself for a moment before I realized something in horror. I had left Jake downstairs last night and never returned.
I jumped up and ran down the stairs at a speed I should have known would spell disaster. And sure enough, just as I was halfway down the stairs, my feet went flying out from under me. I squeezed my eyes shut, bracing myself for impact, but it never came. Instead, nearly unbearably warm hands gripped my upper arms, carefully righting me.
I dared to open my eyes, and was faced with Jacob. I threw my arms around him, hugging him tightly, and he patted my back awkwardly. "I am so sorry! I didn't mean to fall asleep on you last night. I am so embarrassed."
He grinned, and all the worry seeped out of me. "It's fine, Bell. I looked in on you after a little over an hour, and you were out cold. I didn't have the heart to wake you. Did you finally sleep?" He asked, wiggling his eyes suggestively.
I smacked his arm, blushing madly. "I slept just fine, thank you," I said coolly.
"Bell, when I went in your room last night..." Jake said, awkwardly. I looked up at him, panicked. Did he see something... "No, it's nothing... Bad. I just know you weren't alone. But if it wasn't Fagward, which leech was it?" he asked. I grimaced, not sure what to tell him. "You don't have to tell me," he said quickly. "It's none of my damn business, I guess, I just wondered.
I sighed, feeling torn. "I, uh..." I stuttered. I couldn't tell him. I just couldn't. It wasn't fair to keep dragging people into this mess when I had no idea of the direction I was headed. "I can't Jake. I just can't. Things are really messed up right now. I know we never got the chance to talk last night, but that fight with Edward... it was really bad," I said.
Jake steered me into the living room, and we sat down on the couch together. "Take your time," he reassured. "I'll do my best to keep my temper under control so you can finish."
I nodded, swallowing down the anger, sadness and guilt. It would be good to talk to someone about some of this. "Like I said, I exploded on him. I was so angry, Jake. I try to see where he's coming from, but I just can't. I started yelling at him, and I told him not to touch me. I ran off. I told him that if he tried to follow me home... I told him I'd sick the pack on him," I whispered, ashamed.
Jake whooped in laughter, and I shot him an icy glare. "Sorry," he mumbled, his cheeks red, looking properly ashamed.
"I was just so angry. But more so, I was tired. I feel like I've been running in circles for the past year. He refuses to let me make any choices for myself, insisting that it's for my own good, but then he refuses to make me his equal. He talks of love and all these things, but I'm not sure he knows what he's saying anymore. We'll have maybe sixty years together if I'm human. In that time, I'm not going to have children, I'm not going to leave any lasting mark on this earth. I'll die, and he'll live forever. What's sixty years in the face of eternity? It's nothing. Absolutely nothing. And the way I see it, if he's going to let that happen, then that's exactly what I must mean to him. Nothing."
Jake looked up at me, as though he were going to say something about it, but then he thought better. "You know, back in Italy, I still thought that as soon as we returned he would leave again, and I... I nearly went mental. I freaked out, Jacob. I scared myself with the way I reacted. That's so far from healthy. I don't want to be that kind of girl, who loses her identity to love."
"Bella, it's not real love if you do," he said, gently. I understood that he didn't say it to influence me. For once, Jake wasn't seeing sides or advantages. He just saw me, and how lost I was. He tried to be my anchor, but what he didn't understand was that I didn't need one. With each minute that ticked by, my future became firmer, and I knew that at least subconsciously I had already been aware my path was leading this way.
"I'm just so sick of spending all my time feeling unworthy. Even though I know I'm not, at least with the rest of the Cullen's I feel like I'm on equal footing. Edward's the only one who treats me like a child. He's the only one who takes away my choices. He's the one hell-bent on keeping it this way too. And I just don't understand why," I ground out, angrily. "I just... It used to be that I spent every moment with him loving him, and wanting him. And lately, it's just like every moment we spend together I'm annoyed, or angry, or disappointed, or upset. Somehow the bad moments started outweighing the good, and I don't even know when it happened," I said sadly.
Jake pulled me into a tight embrace, and kissed the top of my head as I cried into his shoulder again. "I just don't know how things got so screwed up," I cried. "And I don't want to hurt anyone. And even if he is an idiot, he doesn't deserve this. And I don't want to lose my family. Not any of them. Even Rosalie!" I wailed.
Jake shook me, not entirely gently. "Bella. Snap out. Of. It," he commanded. I stopped crying immediately. "Yeah, this sucks. But if that bloodsucker cares about you half as much as he said he does, he'll understand. You need to do what's best for you, and you don't need to apologize for it. If everyone apologized every time we unintentionally hurt someone, we'd all be blue in the face." He brushed aside a stray hair from my face and tucked it behind my ear, and gave me a small smile. Then his face brightened. "You never even asked why I was here last night, anyhow."
I rolled my eyes, smiling wryly. "Alright, Jake. Why were you here last night?" I asked, humoring him.
"I imprinted."
You could have dropped a pin in the silence that settled over the room just then. I tried to take in what he'd said, but I still tried to reject the idea a little. He was my Jacob. And now some unknown girl, his imprintee had swooped in and stolen him. Not that my feeling for Jake had ever been like that, but I couldn't help but feel like this would change our friendship, and it frightened me, especially now, with everything in my life being upended again.
"Who is it?" I asked in a small voice.
"Her name's Angela," he said, and I looked up sharply.
Please, oh please no. Not her. Anyone but her. "Angela who?"
"Weber. Angela Weber." I squeezed my eyes shut, struggling not to unleash a torrent of unexplainable rage on him, one of few, and now probably only friends left.
"How much does she know already?" I asked him, only now daring to peek. He looked sheepish. "How much?" I shouted.
"Everything."
"Fuck. About vampires, too?" I asked. He nodded. "So... about me." He didn't have to say anything at all.
"Bella, it's okay. Well, not exactly. Naturally she freaked at first," He said, and I snorted. "But she's just curious now, Bella. I thought it wouldn't be so bad, you know. For her to understand, about you... and everything. She wants to talk to you," he said. His voice got higher at the end, almost as though it were a question.
"Of course I'll talk to her," I said. "I just... I don't want her to hate me. Or them. I'm begging you, Jake. I've never begged you before. Don't poison her against them. Against us. Because no matter what, I am a part of them," I said.
"I know that, Bella," Jake warned. I could see him gnawing on the corner of his mouth, trying to contain his anger. "I am well aware that it's too late to wrench you away from leeches, and I am trying very hard to still keep you a part of my life. Let me let you in on a little secret. It isn't easy!" He shouted.
I could see his body shaking, and his face was turning red. I stopped, and put my hand on his shoulder. He looked me in the eyes. "Jake. Get control again. Do you need to go outside?" I asked, gently.
He sucked in a few deep breaths, and seemed to calm himself for now. "No. I'll be fine. I can deal. What I was saying, though, Bells, is that you need to cut me a little slack. The pack has only stopped just short of forbidding our friendship."
"You mean Sam has," I said bitterly.
"Okay, yes, Sam," he said bluntly. "But can you blame him? See things from his point of view. You're a liability. A weak spot, for me at least. It's hard for me to want to, or even be able to hurt the Cullens if I needed to. I know what it would do to you, and it always stops me short."
I nodded, and it was quiet for a moment. "When does Angela want to talk to me?" I asked. "Where? I don't think it's a good idea to go down to La Push. It would only send Alice and Edward into a tailspin."
Jake grinned. "I don't see a problem." I shot him an icy glare, and he shrank back. "All right, all right. Any time, really. Say the word, and I'll call her. She's not busy today. Are you busy today?" He fired all this off in rapid succession.
"Slow down there, Fido," I warned. I thought about it, for a moment, considering that I should probably go and talk to Edward today, but then I reconsidered. What does it matter if I let him sweat a day or too. It certainly wouldn't hurt to talk to Carlisle first, either. "Sure. Yeah, call her. I'd be happy to see her today. It's been too long." He nodded, going into the kitchen and picking up the phone.
Angela was one of the few friend's I'd made an active bid not to lose during my 'zombie days' as Jake refers to them as. She was the perfect kind of friend, the perfect kind of person. She never judged, and she never pressured anything. Whenever she's curious about something, she usually keeps quiet, being of the credence that if someone wants you to know something, they'll tell you in time. And it worked. I was more likely to tell Angela something without her asking than I would be to say... Jake if he did. Few things shocked her, which I guess did make her the perfect kind of girl for Jake. I looked up when I heard Jake's soft murmuring from the kitchen. Then I heard what I could have sworn was a kissy noise, before I heard him place the receiver back in the cradle and come back into the room.
"Did the two of you really just make kissy noises at each other?" I asked, making a face at him. I was trying desperately to hold my laughter in.
His face was suddenly a blank mask. "No," He said quickly.
My eyes went wide, and the laughter bubbled over, breaking out of me. "Oh my god, you did! Big bad werewolf, making kissy noises at his girlfriend!" I cried.
He blushed darkly, staining his deep brown cheeks nearly maroon. "Shut up!" He begged.
"Oh, forget about that. Next time you piss me off, I'll tell everyone," I threatened.
"Forget you," he grumbled. "I have to go pick up Angela."
My eyes flew up the clock on the wall, confused. 11:47. Shit. "How did you let me sleep that late?" I asked.
He shrugged. "You needed it. Now stay put. I'll be right back."
He moved towards the door. "Wait! How are you going to get her?" I asked.
"Running," he said, giving me a look, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"With her." It was a statement, not exactly a question.
"Some girls ride bareback." He grinned.
I made a disgusted sound at the innuendo, and chucked a crumpled napkin at him. My aim was shoddy and it missed, as he ducked out the door, both of us laughing.
I looked out the window of the kitchen door after him, but he was already long gone. I went back upstairs to change into something more modest. Yanking out a pair of fresh jeans from the closet, my favorite pair, I quickly pulled them up and buttoned them. They where faded to nearly white in some places, and had holes in the knees, but they were the softest jeans I'd ever owned. They felt like butter going on, my legs melting into them. I didn't have the heart to take off the shirt just yet. Instead, I put a bra on, and settled for spraying some of my perfume to cover up Carlisle's scent. It wasn't perfect, but I knew it would muddle it up enough to make it indistinguishable.
I slipped on my flip flops and a hoodie, before I headed downstairs to track down some fast breakfast. My plans were cut down when I realized we were out of eggs, immediately followed by realizing we were out of milk, too. Grumbling, I shoved a pop-tart into the toaster as I heard the front door open behind me. I turned to see Jake setting down a gallon of milk on the edge of the counter. I smiled at him gratefully, when I saw Angela's head poke tentatively over his shoulder.
"Bella!" She said, her face breaking out into a smile. She weaved her way around Jacob gracefully, and quickly came to wrap her arms around me in a hug. It had been a little while since I'd seen her last, and I almost forgotten how tall she was. Ever towering over me at roughly six feet, she was still almost a foot shorter than Jacob. As we sat in the kitchen, the three of us eating and talking, there were no overt displays of affection, but it was easy to tell that they fit together. Their easy banter, and the way they worked around each other and together was unmistakable. Their body language was indicative of two people who been together much longer than days, which it couldn't have been more than, though I had asked Jake every question other than when.
"Bella, I had no idea," Angela started. "Everything makes so much more sense now!"
"I'm sorry, Ang. I wished I could have told you," I said, but she stopped me.
"It wasn't your secret to tell," she said. "I'm not mad. You were just being a decent person. How crummy would it have been for you to tell me against the Cullen's wishes? You were just doing what a decent person would."
I smiled, relieved. "You really are a remarkable person, you know that?" I was glad that if Jacob had to imprint on someone, it would be her. I knew that she was someone who could live in our world comfortably, and I just knew then that she would be the one to mediate the many stupid fights between Jacob and I over the years, and that's when it hit me.
I couldn't imagine a future without this boy... or man, rather, in it. My brother, my friend, he was an absolutely integral part of my life, as much as it infuriated Edward. It didn't matter to me. Jacob was here when Edward was not, and even though he was still overbearing at times, he didn't even reach Edward's level of irrational. I don't think anyone could, honestly.
It was almost two when Charlie came home to find the three of us still in the kitchen, hanging out and talking. He looked rough around the edges, and I knew he had to be recovering from a hangover. "Hey, Bells, Jake. Who's this?" He asked, his voice sounding crunchy like gravel.
I grinned, know this would throw my father for a loop. "Dad, this Angela. You've met her before. She's Jake's new girlfriend," I said with a smug smile.
He looked confused, then surprised, and finally, a little disappointed. "Girlfriend. Well. Hi, Angela. It's nice to meet you," he said. "If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go and shower, and never drink with your father again," he said, directing the last bit at Jacob.
We all cracked smiled, and when Charlie was upstairs, I turned to Angela, with smirk. "Charlie's been hoping I'll profess my undying love and intent to marry Jacob any day now," I explained, and she raised an eyebrow. "I know, right?"
"Thanks, Bells. You really know how to make a guy feel confident around here," he quipped.
Angela reached up to grasp his hand and squeezed gently. I smiled at the small display of solidarity. "Your ego's plenty big enough, Jake," she said. "You'll be fine." She looked up at the clock. "However, if I don't go home soon and help with dinner, I will not. And neither will you, really. You need to clean up beforehand. He's supposed to be meeting the family tonight," she explained.
"Ah. I see. It's fine. I think it's probably high time I face the music, anyhow," I said. She looked confused. "Oh, you know, the usual. I melted Edward's face last night with my screaming. Gotta go paste it back together now," I said, nonchalant. "We can talk about it later, when I have more to tell you," I promised.
I stood to hug Jake and Angela both in turn while they got their things together, and before I knew it, I was standing in the kitchen alone again. My stomach fluttered with butterflies as I thought about going to talk to Edward. I didn't want to. I just wanted to put this off indefinitely. Just pretend that it could wait, but I knew that would be the coward's way out, and I was bigger than that.
I had the foresight to go and change my shirt before leaving, and I knocked on the door to Charlie's bedroom. "Yeah?" He called, sounding miserable.
"I'm going down to the Cullen's. I'll be back tonight," I said.
"Alright. Drive safe. Buckle up. Consider dumping him," Charlie slipped the last one in there quickly, and I made a sound of disgust, before grabbing my keys and leaving the house.
"Bella," Alice said, surprised, when she opened the front door. "I didn't expect you," she said, genuinely.
"I know. I was with Jake today," I said, and her eyes narrowed. "Don't Alice. He imprinted on a friend of mine. She had a lot of questions. It's been a long day. Is Edward here?" I asked.
"Yeah," she said, carefully. Her eyes shifted away from mine. "He's up in his room..."
"Is there something you need to tell me, Alice?" I asked suspiciously.
"I'm sorry about the way things went last night," she said evasively. "I'll talk to you later. Go on up."
I climbed the stairs, and I paused outside the door to Edward's room when I realized I heard voices from within. One was Edward's deep baritone, the other high and sickeningly sweet, but mostly unfamiliar. "Come in, Bella," Edward called.
I opened the door and stepped inside, seeing Edwards sitting on the bed with this other person. It was a female, another vampire, and one of the most beautiful I'd seen. She had perfectly arched eyebrows and high, slanted cheekbones that were framed by a cascade of strawberry blond curls. I'd hear her described before and I knew it could be only one person. Tanya. She stood, smiling, and held out her hand. "Bella. It's nice to finally meet you. Edward has told me so much."
I reached out to shake her hand, and murmured something polite and vague, before she excused herself, shutting the door gently behind her. I turned to Edward, on edge now, not knowing what to make of her visit. "Bella."
"Edward," I said, carefully. He gestured to the empty spot on the bed next to him that Tanya had occupied not moments before. I sat there uncomfortably, and Edward wrinkled his nose.
"You stink," he said.
"Yeah, and you smell like a field of flowers," I snapped, irritably. "If you're trying to get off on a good start, you're failing miserably," I said.
He nodded his head a little. "I know. I know I need to be serious. Last night was a disaster."
I glared at him. "Could you cram your foot any farther into your mouth, Edward?" I asked. "Seriously, I want to know." He was silent. "What was she doing here, anyhow?" I asked.
"We were talking. I needed someone to talk to, and she was due for a visit," he said.
"And you honestly though it innocent and inconspicuous for you to be in here, alone, with the girl who considers you the one who got away?" I scoffed at the idea.
"Bella, we were just talking," he said. "It was innocent."
I rubbed my eyes, frustrated, and raked a hand through my hair, pushing it back off of my face. "I guess I know that. It doesn't matter, though. It's not the point, and Tanya or no Tanya, we'd still have to have this conversation."
"I guess I know that as well," he said, mirroring my own mood now. Melancholy, but mostly resigned.
"Things aren't working, Edward," I said. He reached to take my hand, but I yanked it away. "Let me talk. Don't interrupt me. This needs to be said."
I took a deep breath, staring down at my lap. I couldn't meet his eyes. I was afraid that if I did I would lose my nerve, I wouldn't be able to say everything I needed to. "Things haven't been working for a while now. When you left, I nearly died. Jake was the only reason I had to keep going. I was out of my mind with grief, and he helped me put the pieces back together. Then you came back, it was as though you thought it should be like nothing had changed. We could just go back to being perfect. But things did change. When you left, you broke something. And you're back now, and it's still broken. I don't know that it can be fixed, or if I even want it to."
"Bella, we can work on things. I know we can if we just give it a shot," he promised. I shook my head, looking up at him, and there was an expression on his face that I found vaguely familiar. It took me a moment, but it was then that I realized he was crying. Being a vampire, there would not be the release that others could have, of actual tears. This pitiful expression was the only thing he would have, and my heart ached for it.
"We can't Edward, because I've been trying to tell you for the longest time, and you're just not listening to me. You're desperate to keep me weak, and human. I'll die, and years will pass, and I'll only be a blip on your radar. You want me to stay human for you, but for what? I'll be a human living in the vampire world. I won't get to have any vampire experiences, and I won't get to have human ones, either. I'll never know the satisfaction of being with you fully, or giving you children. I'll have to lie all of the time to explain away why I'm with you. At first it will be easy. You can be seventeen, or even eighteen, nineteen, twenty. But we can only pretend you're older to a certain point. What do we say when I'm thirty? Or forty? Or fifty? I'll start to feel like a pedophile. And meanwhile, I can't do things as a vampire. I can never horse around with you guys. I can never hunt with you. I'll always be slowing you down. You'll constantly be reminding yourself that I'm human. I'll be holding you all back, and it's not fair. You can't ask that of me," I told him.
"Bella, love... If that's what it takes to keep you..." He trailed off, his perfect face contorted in anguish. "I'll give it to you. If that's what it takes."
I pressed my fist against my mouth, as waves of guilt crashed over me. "It's too little too late. I'll be changed, just the same. I have no choice now. I know you don't think so, but the Volturi are breathing down our necks. It'll be done, by Carlisle at the least, but it can't save us now. It can't save this," I said, gesturing between us.
"Is there anything I can do to change your mind?" He asked.
I shook my head. "I'm so sorry. But can you do me one last thing?" I asked.
He put his hand on my knee. "Anything, Bella."
"Could you tell Alice that I'm really sorry?" I asked.
Edward looked up, bewildered. "Why?"
I reached up and rubbed at my own neck, feeling awkward. "Well, I uh... for not being around. I'll miss her, you know."
Edward laughed, and I looked up, sharply. "What is so funny?" I demanded.
"Bella," he said, between laughter and gulps of air. "Do you really think..." Laugh, laugh, gulp. "That I..." Laugh, laugh, gulp. "Would stop you from seeing Alice? Or any of them?"
I reached over and punched him in the arm. "Cut it out! It's not funny," I said. "I figured you probably wouldn't want me around here much, you know what with us not being together."
"Oh, Bella," he said, looking at me like I was simple minded, or something. He folded me into a hug, and I let him, confused. "I'm upset, sure. Upset is actually putting it lightly. But if you feel this way, I'll respect your wishes. Thanks to Alice, I'm a firm believer in the fact that everything happens for a reason. I want to try to be your friend. I'm certainly not cruel enough to try and keep you from my family."
"Really?" I asked, the sound muffled in his shoulder. Hope sprung up within me, unbidden.
"Of course not! We love you, all of us. And I know you love each of us fiercely. Even me, even if it isn't the kind of love I want. Besides. Carlisle promised to change you, and I clearly cannot do anything about it. And when you're a newborn, you can't be left alone. You'll have to stay with us, or at least Tanya's family for a year or two. It would do little good to kick you out now, only to have to move you in when the summer rolls around."
I breathed a deep sigh of relief. "Oh, thank God. I couldn't lose all of you again."
Suddenly there was a sharp rapping on the door. "For the love of all that is sweet and good, could the two of ya keep it down in there. I can hardly stand to feel all of this. You are bein' terribly inconsiderate," Jasper called.
I grinned, in spite of his obvious discomfort, and I threw open the door, launching myself at him in a hug. He stilled, not breathing, and patted my back awkwardly. "What on earth is goin' on in here?"
"I'm just very happy!" I said, stepping back, blushing madly. I cannot believe I just threw myself at Jasper like that.
"Clearly. I cannot help but be intrigued as to what the cause is."
"Edward's not kicking me out of the family." If anything, Jasper looked more confused and I rolled my eyes. "You can stop pretending you couldn't hear the entire conversation."
Jasper gave me a wry smile. "Bella, Bella. Silly human. Just because we can hear, doesn't mean we listen. But I'll save you the trouble by telling you I think I've got the gist of it. Alice as well," he told me, and suddenly it was as if a light bulb went on inside me, and things started clicking together.
"Alice you say? Where is she?" But before I could even finish, there she was, right behind Jasper.
"Yes, Bella?" She asked, expectantly. If she ever slept, I would have said she was dressed for bed, in fuzzy pajama pants and a silky tank top.
I shook my head at her, and grabbing her by the shoulders, I marched her down the hall to her room. "Get dressed in something a little less comfortable. We're going... I swallowed audibly. "Shopping."
Don't think Alice is getting off the hook that easily. Oh no. But really, how else was Bella supposed to get her out of the house? Review. Tell me what you think. What you like and don't like. You get chapters faster that way.