Thanks for all the reviews, I'm really pleased with the positive reaction to this fic. Sorry it took so long to update. I'd finished this chapter a while ago, but have been so busy that I forgot to post it. Reviews make my day, help spread the love. ;)
Part Three: Telling You Goodbye
Lying awake in bed, Kate thinks about what she's planning to do tomorrow. She is dreading it already, but she prays it won't be much worse than the things she's already done.
4 months, 2 weeks earlier...
While watching the news one night, staring unseeing at the TV more like, she hears something that catches her attention. The search for Ajira Flight 316 and its passengers has been called off.
"We must prepare ourselves for the worst," a news reporter is saying, "as it is unlikely that there are any survivors."
She tunes out the rest of the story, knowing that none of the passengers will ever be found. She had used a fake identity herself, not supposed to have left California. Even Frank had slipped away after arriving back home, using a private landing strip for the plane to touch down on. He'd mumbled something about not wanting to deal with the publicity and hassle of being the only survivor and she hasn't heard from him since.
The next morning while reading the newspaper she sees a notice for Jack's funeral. The thought of going twists her heart into knots, but not going would be even worse. The days after that she gathers up her remaining strength and picks out an outfit to wear.
At this time she is still living with Claire and Aaron, in the house she once shared with Jack, and she pleads with them to come too. Claire doesn't need much convincing, she wants to be there to say goodbye to her brother, after all. And she's already gotten used to life off the Island again, no longer overwhelmed by the outside world.
Getting her to accept the idea of Aaron coming is, on the other hand, no easy task.
Claire is worried about her son dealing with death at such a young age, but Kate argues that he'll never stop asking about Jack and they'll regret not taking him as he gets older.
Explaining to Aaron about death is the hardest thing she's had to do so far. She isn't sure how much he understands – "Does this mean we won't get to see Jack anymore, Aunt Kate?" – he asks her, but he senses the mood around him and is old enough to realize something sad is about to happen.
The funeral itself is brutal.
Jack's mom keeps shooting glares in her direction throughout the entire service. Kate knows Margo blames her for the death of her only son – Kate blames herself as well – though the hatred from Jack's mother makes her own guilt no easier.
Marc Silverman, whom Kate had come to know as a good friend while she and Jack were living together, is there too, crying silently.
All her friends, even Miles, Frank and Ji Yeon – whose grandparents had brought her all the way from Korea at Kate's request, knowing it's what Sun and Jin would have wanted – are sitting in the pews behind her. She wishes she could see Hurley's face in the crowd, but right now she isn't even sure he's still alive.
She pushes that thought to the back of her mind, it's just another thing to worry about and she has enough stress to deal with already.
When it comes time for her to speak, she looks out at the faces of all the people who love and support her, and begins her eulogy. She's spent days preparing it, struggling to speak past the tears, but now, saying it front of a church full of people, seems a hundred times harder than she can ever have imagined.
She takes a deep breath and begins, needing to say this. Not just for herself, but for Jack too. She hopes that wherever he is now he is listening.
"Jack was more than a friend to all of us. He took care of us, kept us safe and did what he'd always wanted to do – he got us off the Island. He – he never gave up on any of us, no matter how...how hard it was for him."
She stops, thinking about how tough those three years off the Island were for him. Her eyes fill with tears as she wishes, not for the first time, that their relationship could have worked out back then.
Why it had taken nearly losing her son and everyone they loved to admit how much they cared about each other, she doesn't know. She just yearns, with all of her heart, that it could have turned out differently.
Suddenly it all becomes too much, too final, being here at Jack's funeral, giving him one last farewell. Her deep breaths become shallow gasps as she searches for air that isn't there.
Claire stares at her sympathetically while Sawyer wills her to continue. Kate realizes she's standing there in silence, her chest heaving with threatening sobs.
"I – I loved him," she says, forcing herself to finish what she's started. "He always said we'd be together, I just...wish we'd gotten th – the chance to. G – goodb – " she stops again, unable to say it. Even though she knows in her heart that Jack is dead, she still can't voice those certainties out loud.
And maybe he isn't, she thinks. Maybe that's why I can't say goodbye yet. And once that hope blossoms inside of her, she can't stop it. She doesn't want to.
But the tears of what may or may not be true, of the unknown she fears so much, are spilling freely down her cheeks now, too fast to stop. So she steps down from the podium and makes her escape into the hallway.
She presses her forehead against the cool brick, trying to calm herself down. A hand on her shoulder makes her jump and for a second, she sees a familiar smirk flash in front of her.
Then it's gone, he doesn't smile much these days, and all she sees is the pain that fills his eyes.
"What do you want, Sawyer?" she demands, angry that he is here to witness her being so weak, angry that she can't be strong like him.
"I jus' wanted ya' to know that you ain't alone in this. We all miss the Doc too." She gets the feeling that he isn't just talking about Jack and, for a moment, she imagines how hard this must be for him.
He never got a proper funeral for Juliet so why does Jack deserve something better? The sad truth is that this funeral isn't for Jack, it's for everyone else who's known him. They think that honouring his memory with some meaningless ceremony in a stuffy room will make themselves feel better.
Kate begins to see why Jack always hated funerals so much.
"Thanks," she tells Sawyer softly, meaning it. "Hey, want to go get some lunch or something?"
They both know what she doesn't say aloud, Let's get out of here because I can't handle it anymore, and Sawyer shakes his head.
"Trust me, Freckles. The first thing ya' gotta do is stop runnin'. It don't make the pain go away, don't even make it any easier, but it makes it jus' a little more bearable. 'N that's all ya' can ask for."
She looks up into his deep blue eyes – wishing she were staring into another set of endless, hazel eyes instead – and does something completely impulsive and stupid. She kisses him, pressing her lips roughly against his and waiting for him to react.
Instead he freezes, standing still until she backs away. Her cheeks flame and she glances downwards, afraid to meet his gaze. She knows it was dumb, will spend hours lying awake at night wishing she can take that kiss back, but at the same time she is so desperate for the touch of another human being that she will do almost anything.
What she won't admit, even to herself, is that for a brief second she could imagine that the lips against hers belonged to someone else. To the man she wished was here to kiss her instead of Sawyer.
After an awkward silence, Sawyer finally tilts her chin up, wiping away the tears that are rolling down her cheeks and forcing her to look at him. In his expression she doesn't see the hatred or disgust she is expecting, instead she only sees understanding. And loneliness.
"I know what you're thinkin', Freckles, 'n we ain't goin' back down that road. I'll be your friend, someone to talk to 'n help keep ya' sane, but that's all. Our relationship ain't what it used to be. I jus' wish I coulda' learned that before Jules was gone. Then maybe things woulda' been different."
He sighs, blinking heavily and shaking a strand of hair out of his face. He hasn't gotten it cut since the Island, "I'm too used to havin' long hair now," he'd told her once, but Kate knows he secretly wants to go back to a time before things had gone so wrong.
She's caught herself doing it too, avoiding any drastic changes in her lifestyle because she still clings to the fantasy that it's not too late to change things.
"But things ain't different, Freckles. That's what I'm tryin' to tell ya'. So you 'n me can go back in there together, or ya' can walk out the front door alone, okay?"
She doesn't acknowledge she's even heard him and, after a moment, he turns away, heading back inside by himself. The tears start again, this time they are tears of shame for not being stronger, for being too weak to handle the pain of this damn funeral.
But at the same time, she is thankful that Sawyer helped her realize something. The past can't be changed. There is no going back, only moving forward, and nothing she can do will change what already happened. She shouldn't be afraid to do different things now, to continue living, instead of hoping that she can continue to live in the past.
That's the day she decides to move out of her house.
When Claire comes home after the funeral, confused about Kate's sudden disappearance after failing to finish her eulogy, she is met with a pile of suitcases and boxes.
"Kate, are you home?" she calls, carrying a sleeping Aaron inside the house. "Sawyer said you'd left but he didn't say why..." Her sentence trails off when she sees the stack of belongings, the few meaningful things Kate can bear to bring with her, things that don't remind her too much of the life she will never have with Jack, but things that won't let her forget him either.
"What are you doing?" Claire asks, setting Aaron down on the couch and pulling a blanket over his sleeping form.
"I'm moving," Kate replies. "It's time for me to go. You and Aaron are doing just fine now and I'm sure you'll still be great when I'm gone."
It takes a moment for what she says to sink in. "You're leaving us with the house?"
Kate nods. "Yeah, I don't need to sell it – the last thing I need is more money – and Aaron's already so comfortable here. I think the best thing for him would be to let you two stay."
"But where will you go?" Claire wonders and Kate is touched by the note of concern in her voice.
"Not too far, but somewhere not so close to here. I just need to get away from this, you can understand that right?" She knows how it sounds, she's running away again. But that's not necessarily true. While she may be running from her past, what she's really doing is running towards her future.
Things don't turn out like she wants, though. The next few weeks pass by in a blur until, before she knows it, five months have gone by and she's sitting on her bed wondering where that time went. Most of it was spend hiding in her apartment, trying to resist the urge to cry – and usually failing.
She had lunch with Sawyer a few times each week as well, when he wasn't too busy with his detective work.
And no matter how much she may have felt it, her friends constantly reminded her that she was not alone. Desmond's visit only helped reinforce that idea and Kate sighs as, once more, she remembers what she will do tomorrow.
She rolls over, fixing the twisted mess of blankets at her ankles – further proof of her anxiety – and tries to fall asleep. She knows the next day will be a long one and she wants to face it without dark circles under her eyes.
Finally she drifts off into an uneasy sleep, not the peaceful one she hoped for at all. Her dreams are filled of shattering cliffs, airplane crashes and dripping blood. And when she does awake at 3:47 in the morning, her legs twitching as if preparing for a fall from a high ledge, she wishes fiercely that she can feel Jack's arms around her, holding her tight and chasing away her fears.