Chapter 2: Breakdown
He had been standing in the darkness in front of her door for ten minutes now and still hadn't decided if he should knock or just leave again. He was pretty sure that she didn't want to see him, but he didn't want her to be alone either, not when she was in a state like today. He knew the case was affecting her even if she didn't want to talk about it. It had also been hard for him, but he, unlike her, didn't let it get so close to him. He should knock.
But wasn't it possible that she was already feeling better? Maybe all she had needed was a shower and something to eat. Maybe she didn't need his support and he'd better leave and not risk getting on her nerves. He should go.
Tony was about to leave when suddenly the door was opened and Kate was standing in front of him, one hand on the doorframe, the other still on the handle, staring at him. She was wearing a pair of old, worn-out jeans and a dark-blue t-shirt that wasn't actually tight, but did cling quite nicely to some parts of her body. Her hair was tied back in a pony tail and she no longer wore make-up, but Tony found that she had hardly ever looked as beautiful as in this very moment. Of course she was an attractive woman, there'd been no doubt about that since the first time he had seen her, but the way she was looking at him right now, her expression somewhere between shock and obvious relief, her dark eyes shining from unshed tears, he found her more beautiful than ever.
"Tony," she said. "What the hell are you doing here standing in front of my door? It scared the hell out of me when I saw your silhouette through the window!"
"I was just thinking about calling you first," he lied. "Didn't want to surprise you like that."
"Okay," she said slowly, making it obvious that she didn't quite believe that story. "And what exactly are you doing here?"
"I'm checking on you to see if everything's okay, you know, because of the case and everything. Can I come in?"
For a moment he was sure that she'd turn him down, but then she took her hand away from the doorframe and stepped back. "Come on in," she said quietly.
Wearing his broadest grin he stepped past her and came into a living room that was so clean that his own looked like Jabba's cave in „The Return of the Jedi" in comparison to it. On the left there was an open passage to the kitchen, in the wall on the opposite side of the entry there was a door that stood ajar, but it was too dark behind it to see anything. In the middle of the room he saw a huge couch that was facing the TV standing near the wall to the right. No video or DVD-player, he noted. On the couch there was a blanket that wasn't folded and on the small table in front of it stood a cup with tea or coffee in it. Since these were the only two things that looked out of place he guessed that before she'd seen him through the window Kate had been curled up on the couch with the blanket around her shoulders and a cup of tea in her hands.
"Can I offer you something?" she asked, waking him from his thoughts. "Beer?"
"Sure. Thanks."
She went into the kitchen and he watched her open the fridge and bend down to get the beer. He couldn't help but notice how well the jeans suited her backside. Usually he didn't see her dressed like that. She looked somehow cute.
Back in the living room she gestured for him to sit down and then took a seat on the couch again. When he sat next to her she gave him his beer and then made herself comfortable by tucking her legs under her body and wrapping the blanket around her shoulders. She took her cup in both hands and thoughtfully studied its content, ignoring her visitor.
"Are you cold?" Tony asked. He thought it was quite warm in the room, but Kate was holding on to the blanket as if she was freezing.
She only shrugged.
"Are you okay?" Tony finally asked. "Back in the office you seemed very upset to me."
She looked at him over the edge of her cup, but didn't answer, and Tony took a sip from his bottle in order not to show how uncomfortable he felt. Obviously she didn't want to talk about it and he didn't even know if she was actually in need of any comfort. He only had this feeling … And spending the evening on the couch in an only half-lit room wrapped into a blanket – that wasn't something you'd do when you're feeling okay. But to be honest, he had no idea how she normally spent her evenings. Hadn't it been him who had repeatedly teased her for not going out often enough? Maybe this couch and tea thing was just normal for her.
"What were you doing before I came?" he asked because he couldn't think of a more subtle way to find out.
"Thinking," she murmured.
"'bout the case?"
She nodded.
"You shouldn't let it get too close to you," he said. "We just see too much of it. When you let it get too close, it breaks you."
"I know that, Tony!" she snapped.
He shot her a surprised look. Normally she didn't get angry so easily.
"It's not like I've never seen anything like it before," she said quietly, more to herself than to him. "But…It's always different with kids." She nervously played with the cup in her hands, keeping her eyes on her fingertips.
Tony sighed. "You're right," he said. Kate had been the first to enter the small room in the cellar while he had covered her. The smell down there had already told them that what they were going to find wouldn't be nice to look at. But then to really see the two small bodies, thrown into a corner like something old that you didn't need any longer…Tony took another sip of his beer trying to erase the memory of that smell, but it didn't help much. For it to help it would have taken something much stronger than just beer.
They sat in silence for a long time, both lost in their own thoughts. Tony noticed that Kate kept pulling the blanket closer around her shoulders. She was shivering, he could tell, and it worried him. Finally he took a deep breath and asked again: "You really okay?" In fact she hadn't answered his first question at all.
This time she didn't either. She just sat there kneading the blanket in her hands.
It was then that Tony put his beer on the table and moved closer to her on the couch. "Kate?" He put one hand on her shoulder. She felt fragile, even under the blanket, and the fact that she hadn't even tried to avoid his touch kind of scared him. "Katie, please say something", he whispered.
Slowly, her gaze came up to meet his and her black eyes bored into his blue ones. Again he saw the tears in them which didn't want to fall.
"Have you ever asked yourself why we are doing this?" she asked.
"Why we are doing what?"
Her lower lip was trembling. She swallowed and then spoke: "Why we are out there every day to catch the bad guys when in the end we are unable to protect two little children."
"But we do protect them!" he said. "Of course we can't save all of them. But think of all those who are save because we put a bad guy in prison."
"That doesn't bring the victims alive again."
"Of course it doesn't, we don't have any superpowers after all." He smiled at her, but immediately realised that his words hadn't been the right thing to say. He tried another approach: "It's terrible what people do to each other. But we are doing all we can to stop them. We are!"
Kate bit her lower lip and wrapped her arms tightly around her body. A single tear dropped down from her lashes onto her cheek and rolled down to her chin. Tony brushed it away with his thumb.
"It's just that sometimes I am so sick of it," she whispered and a second tear followed the first one. "Sometimes I'd give anything for a life without dead bodies in it. All the normal people out there, they don't know what human beings do to each other. They …" She couldn't go on when a sob made her voice crack. Quickly she buried her face in her arms and turned away from Tony.
He was staring at her, unable to believe what he was seeing. Kate was crying! Kate, crying! He was about to panick, that's just the effect crying women had on him, but then he forced himself to calm down. Kate needed him. Wasn't that why he had come here in the first place? So he shifted closer to her on the couch and gently put one arm around her shoulders. "Kate," he said softly. "It's okay, don't cry."
She let him pull her around to face him and slowly her hands wandered up to Tony's shoulders where she closed her fingers in the fabric of his shirt. She buried her face in the crook of his neck, her body shaking with violent sobs.
Not knowing what else he could do, Tony put both arms around her and rested his cheek against her head. He had never seen her like this before, hadn't even expected that she could break down like this. Now she was shaking and sobbing in his arms and felt so fragile that it made his chest ache. He felt her tears roll down the side of his neck and the trembling of her body seemed to spread into his own. He stroked her hair lovingly and kissed her temple, but had no idea what he could do to help her.
After some minutes, her sobs started to subside. Finally she let go of his shirt and brought her hands up to her face to wipe the tears away. "I'm sorry," she whispered, her voice still weak. "I…I don't know what…"
"Hey!" Tony cupped her cheeks with his hands. „It's okay. No problem." He smiled at her while his thumb was stroking over her wet cheek. Looking at her he felt a strange tugging in his chest that he had never felt before. But it made breathing hard and his hands started to shake. "How are you feeling?" he asked and hoped that she didn't notice the trembling in his voice.
She nodded weakly, but was still trying to hide her face from him. With one hand on her cheek Tony turned her face to him. "Kate," he said. "It really is okay." He smiled at her then bent forward and kissed her cheek. He could taste the salt of her tears on her skin. "Are you feeling better?" he asked, his face still only inches from hers.
Her nod was almost imperceptible. She was looking at him and there was an expression in her eyes that he had never seen there before. And then all of a sudden, her lips were on his and her arms went around his neck, pulling him as close as possible.
At first he was too surprised to react, but soon he gave in to her and started to kiss her back. He wrapped his arms around her to pull her closer and the kiss deepened. For a moment he was smiling inwardly at the thought that he would have never expected a girl from a catholic school to be such a great kisser. But he was far from making any stupid comment about it. This was far too good to ruin it like this.
Soon his hands crawled under the hem of her shirt. The skin of her back felt soft and hot and he loved how he could make her shiver by running his fingers gently down her spine. Without consciously thinking about it, one of his hands lowered and got a hold on the hem of her jeans to pull her towards him. When she reacted by pushing one of her legs over his thighs to straddle his lap he gasped in surprise.
The kiss grew more passionate when she pressed her body against his. One of his hands came up and freed her hair from the pony tail then threaded through her dark locks. But even though Tony was enjoying every second of this, he was fighting with himself like never before. He knew what they were doing was wrong and that Kate would soon regret it. She wasn't herself right now and didn't know what she was doing. But that was only his head talking. His body told him differently. When Kate slowly started to unbutton his shirt and then placed open-mouthed kisses along his collarbone and shoulder a moan escaped from his lips. And as her hands wandered down his bare chest and stomach, all the worries were suddenly gone from his head. It's also possible that he simply stopped thinking at all, he couldn't quite remember later on. All he knew was that he suddenly stood up, still holding her tight and that her legs went around his hips to get a better hold.
"Where…bedroom?" he whispered against her lips.
"Through the door." She gasped when he kissed her neck. "Down the corridor."
- - -
Later she lay awake in his arms and listened to the sound of his breathing. The heat of his body and his arms around her made her feel warm and safe. No, she was not going to worry about it right now. It could wait. Right now she only wanted to feel him next to her. It was going to be okay, she told herself before falling to sleep.
tbc…