One Way to Say I LOVE YOU
Chapter 4: I Don't Want To
The next few days were the same, just going very slow. I would hear my dad, Denise, and Paul talking about the funeral arrangements. The funeral was tomorrow and I didn't want to take any part of it. Finally Joe and Kevin came around to the house. They just walked into the house started talking to their parents. I could finally here someone walk up the stairs and down the hallway. His voice was subtle and quiet.
"Miley." He poked his head into my room then he walked in. "There you are." He sat down on my bed.
"Where else would I be? I have been sitting here for the past two days or so." I kept looking out the window. I saw him look at the picture of Nick and I. He shifted back to look at me. He took my jaw and moved my head to face him. I just looked at him, not sure why.
"It's okay. You still got us." He hugged me and I hugged back until I put my hand up in between us. I pushed him away. He looked down at my hand. "You found it?"
"I found what?"
"The ring." He took my hand and held it. He pointed at the ring, " This ring."
"What? What is so important about it?"
"You're still wearing it. I think that amazing." Wow, one moment to tell you that Joe was not the brightest crayon in the box. "I would think that he is, umm…" He couldn't exactly say it, "dead—that you wouldn't wear it. But then again, I do get wrong sometimes." He chuckled a bit at the end. It helped, I started to chuckle a little bit too. It felt good to do that.
"So, what are you guys doing tomorrow at the funeral?" I couldn't help but ask.
"Umm…Well actually, our mom made us make a video."
"Really?" I wasn't that fond of it. "Please tell me I'm not in there." I put my head in my hands just hoping and praying it would say that I wasn't.
"Miley, come on. You were a huge part of it life. You have to be in there. Plus it takes too much time to crop you out of photos." He started laughing again.
I wasn't laughing along with him, "How many times am I in it?"
"Not much"
"Joe, tell me the truth." I lifted by head back up and sat up straight with him.
"I'm serious. You're only in there a few times. We knew you didn't want really any part of the funeral, so we cut down the photos of you and nick to slim. Okay?"
"Okay. Fine. You better be telling the truth."
"Oh don't worry." Joe got up off my bed and started to walk towards my door. "Come with me. Let's go downstairs. You probably haven't had any social time with anyone in the past few days."
"There, you are wrong. I have had enough social time with your parents, but I'll go down anyway." I slipped on my slippers and started to walk behind him. He kept glancing at my hand with the ring on. It was like he was obsessed with it. We finally had made it downstairs and the first words out of Denise's mouth was, "Oh Miley---"
I cut her off, "No. Period. Nada. Nothing. Zilch." I walked past her to the fridge. I hadn't eaten much lately either. She stood there speechless just staring and watching me walk there; I think I could even feel her glaring down my back. "I'm not going to do anything tomorrow."
"Fine. I'll stop asking." She finally unfroze herself and turned around. I just grabbed something from the cupboard to eat and sat by the kitchen table. I took a scoop of my cereal, Cocoa Puffs, and my dad was staring at me. His eyes were talking to me, complaining, come on just do something. I motioned my eyes like, no I'm not going to. He just rolled his eyes.
Kevin came by with a spoon and snuck into my cereal and took some. I was a tad too late with my response, by swinging my arm at him. I then covered up my cereal, blocking him and walked upstairs. I lay on my bed and finished my cereal. Mmhm it was good. I finally just relaxed with the lights off and closed my eyes. I could almost fall asleep again.
I can still see perfectly what I saw in my head that day, every time I close my eyes and think about it….
I was standing in the middle of the street and it was dark. I wasn't sure where I was and I looked around frantically trying to figure it out. I finally turned around and I knew it, I was at Nick's car accident. The lights were blinding me from every direction. I finally could see what was happening; they were trying to get to Nick in his car. I could see his face slightly between everyone. I walked towards the car and I was surprised no one was stopping me. I got closer and closer and still no one was stopping me. It was like I wasn't real. I finally felt something hit me. All my emotion from later that night when I found out he was dead was flooding back into me.
I was now just two feet away from the car having people walking through me while I was just looking into the car still watching them try to get into the car. Nick was just lifeless there, facing in my direction. He had blood slightly running down the side of his face. I started to see that my tears were blurring up my vision. I was also starting to whimper. I crossed my arms and put my hand over my mouth. I started to shake while I was crying until I felt someone grab my shoulder and pull them towards them.
I cried in their shoulder, not know who, until I had looked up. It was Nick. Nick, my boyfriend. I started to hug and kiss his cheeks when I looked up. I couldn't believe it. I was finally smiling and loving this; wait I couldn't, we both were not real at this moment. I turned back around and I finally saw the lights lighting up Nick lifeless face on the stretcher. I turned back to look at his ghost, who was smiling at me. I let go of everything I was holding onto and just stood there, look at both Nicks. I was standing there confused, waiting for an answer.
"Don't. Stop." He had said. I turned to him, not sure what he had said that for.
"What?" I raised my arms, and started to wipe some tears again.
"Don't be confused. You know what the truth about this is and stop being like this to my mother." He actually made sense.
"But I don't want to do anything tomorrow with the funeral."
"Then don't and disappoint everyone," He looked down and took my hand. "I'm happy they gave this to you."
"Were you really going to propose that night?" I looked into his eyes wanting a sincere answer.
"Did they say they found it in my pocket?"
"Yes…" I said very slowly still looking into those amazing eyes.
"Then Yes I was. Now, please. This is a hard time for everyone and you're acting like you don't care. I have been watching and ---"
I cut him off. "But you're a ghost."
"And this is your dream. You're making this all up."
"Really?" Please say no. Please say something else.
"You'll find out. Please keep this ring on forever. Don't lose it. I was going to keep my promise: Forever. I love you." He finally kissed me on my cheek and walked off.
I woke up with a sudden shot of air knocked out of me. I sat up in bed right away asking myself a hundred questions. Was I actually making it all up? Was he really there in my dream? Is that how it all happened that night? I asked them over and over making it seem like a hundred question. I lifted up my hand and it looked at the ring and just smiled. I looked finally at my clock at it was six in the morning, the day of the funeral. I could do this. I could make it through the day. I again slightly curled my hair and did my make-up. I put on my black dress and little leather coat. It was subtle; I just looked at myself in the mirror and kept thinking. Joe and Kevin's little video was making me curious. I finally turned around to walk downstairs and was ready to go. My daddy hugged me when I went downstairs. We got in the car and started to drive. I didn't say anything and I could notice my dad kept looking at me in the review mirror while I was looking out the window.
We got to Funeral Home to have a quick visitation. I could already see all my friends of there; Emily, Mitchel, Demi, Selena, David, and many more. While I was looking at them all, I could see in the corner of my eyes was an open casket. I again was frozen. I took a hold of my other hand was felt the ring: Forever. I walked over there and promised myself I wouldn't try to cry. I finally saw his perfect face.
His face was so subtle. I didn't want it to stay there frozen in time. I took my hand and felt his face and then his suit. I started to giggle a bit because it wasn't like a tuxedo. It was one of the suits he had worn on tour. I had already seen some notes that people had left in the casket. I took the one I had written out of my purse and put it in the jacket pocket. The front of it said: Forever.
Once the whole little visitation was done we all went to church and waited for the casket to arrive.
I try to make myself not remember this all. I like to not say this. I was sad for most of it and I felt out of place. Every single one of my friends had said something, but I didn't. I liked Joe and Kevin's video, even though Joe lied about it. He said I was in it a little; I was in it way more than a little. I tried to keep a straight face on it, but it just made me cry. When the whole funeral was done, I was allowed to walk out with his family because I was his girlfriend. I stood outside of the church saying goodbye to everyone. The casket was not going to go to a graveyard, he was going to be cremated first, and then parts of his giving to me and his family, and then the rest of him put in a burial resting place. When the casket had passed me, I just looked at it and took a deep breath. As I did, I felt a gush of wind touch my face. It made my hair blow and I just took in that air. I smiled as I looked back at the sun; I had felt like he was there. Nick was there.