Chapter 3: Waking up

In the middle of the night she woke up feeling all happy and relaxed. It took some moments for her to remember the reason why she felt so good. The memory itself, then, was a little bit disturbing. She had slept with Tony. God! She had slept with Tony DiNozzo! Oh my god! Gibbs would only have to look at them once and he'd know immediately. And Abby, too! In order to regain some of her self-respect Kate tried to convince herself that this … incident had been completely irrational and incomprehensible, but she failed. She could have seen it coming. For too long she had been secretly watching him when he wasn't paying attention. For too long she had marvelled at the sight of how some of his jeans and shirts underlined how well trained his body was. And for far, far too long she'd had butterflies in her stomach like some stupid girly when he grinned at her. No, she really could have seen it coming.

Kate pulled the blanket closer around her shoulders because she was cold. She'd felt so much more comfortable with Tony's arms around her. Why wasn't he holding her any longer? She turned around to get closer to him. Only then did she realize that she was alone in her bed. Surprised she sat up and looked around the dark room. Her radio clock told her it was 3:34 in the morning. The room was pitch black, no moonlight coming in through the window.

Kate turned on the lamp on her bedside table, got out of the bed and put on the long t-shirt that she normally wore as a pyjama. She noticed that Tony's clothes had vanished from the floor next to her bed. Freezing and with a bad feeling in her stomach she left the bedroom and tapped into the living room. It was empty, too. She checked the kitchen. Maybe he had left the bed in order to get something to drink. But Tony wasn't there.

Slowly, Kate sank down on one of the chairs and propped her elbows up on the table. She was so damn stupid! She'd known Tony for two years now, had had to listen to dozens of stories about him and his latest "girlfriend" and still believed that he was a guy who'd stay for breakfast. She crossed her arms on the table and buried her face in them. Tears were burning behind her eyelids, but she didn't want to let them fall. She'd been stupid enough to think Tony DiNozzo could actually have some serious intentions when spending the night with a woman. No, she wouldn't cry. He'd done exactly what she'd criticised him for a dozen times already: he'd slept with a woman and had sneaked out as soon as he'd had the possibility to do so. She should have known better.

The first light of day found Kate still sitting in the kitchen. She was surprised when the first rays of sunlight touched her hands because she hadn't noticed how the hours had passed. She felt tired and extremely sore inside her chest. She thought about calling Gibbs to tell him that she was ill, but she couldn't do it; Tony would immediately know why she wasn't showing up. How she was supposed to get through the day she did not know. But she finally stood up from the table to go and take a shower. When she went into her bedroom afterwards she found herself confronted with the smell of his cologne that still lingered on the sheets. The scent flooded her head with memories. Memories of his body pressed against hers, his hot breath on her skin and his lips on hers. It made tears well up in her eyes again.

Couldn't it all just be a misunderstanding? Maybe he couldn't sleep and didn't want to lie awake next to her all night, so he had left. Maybe he assumed she wouldn't want him to still be here in the morning. It was possible, wasn't it? She clung to the thought, otherwise she would have never managed to get to the office. When she'd finally pulled into a vacant spot in the parking lot, she got out of the car with her knees feeling weak . Tony's car was right beside hers. He was already there.

On the elevator she felt a sudden rush of panic and almost chickened out. But when the doors opened, she took the last bits of strength she had left and entered the office. Her eyes immediately fixed on Tony, who sat at his desk, very occupied with doing nothing. Her heart jumped at the sight and she wanted to hit herself. She approached her desk carefully. Tony hadn't seen her yet because he was staring at the ceiling, heels resting on the table, his thoughts obviously completely elsewhere. She had almost reached her chair when McGee nodded towards her. "Morning, Kate," he greeted her.

Tony almost lost his balance on the chair and had to grab the edge of the table with both hands in order not to tumble over. His feet came back to the floor with a loud thud. His eyes met Kate's for a second. She was immensely proud of herself for not allowing the sheepish grin to spread on her face. Even though she wanted to run to him and throw herself into his arms, she just stood there looking at him and waited for him to make the first move. Later she believed that this could have been her major mistake, but she couldn't change it, then.

"Hey, Kate," Tony said, a little bit too late. Then he leaned back on his chair again, put the feet on the table like before and continued to stare at the ceiling.

To say that Kate was upset would have been the understatement of the century. Her heart had just broken. Of course she hadn't expected him to ravish her in the middle of the office, but she had expected…something! At least a reaction that went beyond a stupid "Hey, Kate". "He hardly even looked at me," she thought, and it was burning a hole right through her chest.

"Morning," she murmured and sat down behind her desk. She switched on the computer and put her purse into one of the drawers. Shame was burning on her cheeks. She felt humiliated and used. He slept with her and the next day she wasn't even worth a smile – or more than two words! How could she have let this happen? How could she have been so wrong about him? Even if it may have seemed differently, she had had control over her actions the last evening. Of course she had been in a bad state and the whole situation had not exactly been normal, but she still hadn't kissed him out of some strange mood. She had done it because she had wished so often before that maybe Tony felt like she did. That his heart beat faster when she smiled at him. That maybe he could imagine being in a relationship with her. If she didn't have these feelings, if it had been nothing more than a one-night-stand for her, things wouldn't be so bad. She could have lived with that, she was a grown woman after all. Sex was something that happened between adults. Maybe, some day they would have laughed about it. But she did have these feelings and the fact that Tony didn't seem to care at all was like torture.

"Tony, Kate, McGee, we're heading out!" Gibbs had suddenly appeared on the stairs and pointed at the three of them. He rushed past them towards the elevator, then stopped and turned around. "What are you waiting for?" he asked, and the three of them hurried to get their stuff and ran after him.

In the elevator Kate came to stand directly next to Tony. When he shifted his weight a little bit his arm brushed hers gently. It wasn't even a real touch, only the fabric of his jacket rubbing against hers, but Kate almost broke down. Her eyes started to burn again and her knees began to shake. She breathed in the scent of his cologne and visions of the night before invaded her head. She couldn't do this. She couldn't be with him working on the case for the rest of the day. It was going to kill her.

The ride on the elevator seemed to take hours. When the doors finally opened, Kate was the first one out, rushing past McGee almost shoving him against the wall. Tony was looking after her, a pained expression on his face, but she didn't look back to see it.

tbc …

A/N: Please, tell me if you liked it so far. Your reviews keep me working!