Chapter 5: The diaries of Brainiac 5 and Saturn Girl

Extract from the diary of B5

Date: 15th June 3009

Temperature: 18˚ C (irregular and without scope for improvement)

Current WIP: Attempting to regulate air temperature; fixing fridge temperature, left hand hinge on food cupboard and sink faucet; trying and failing to locate mysterious wailing noise coming from engine.

Other Topical Information: This is all terribly displeasing and irregular (see above). Cosmic Boy appears to have made an error in the booking and the eight of us are at present living in an RV originally designed for six persons at the most. I am currently seated on a rather precarious fold out workspace.

At approximately 12.02pm we reached the southern border, and Lightning Lad deemed it was the appropriate moment to travel above 50mph. (Question: Why is Lightning Lad driving?) All of a sudden the engine began to emit an intense high-pitched wailing noise, and all the female legionnaires on board began to wail:

"What is that noise?"

"Why is it doing that?"

"What's going on?"

"Are you sure this is safe?"

"Lightning Lad, pull over!"

He did so, and I was obliged to get out and try to find out what the matter was, however there was no obvious cause. As I knelt in the dust, peering under the bonnet, Bouncing Boy came and stood behind me. He took a thoughtful bite out of a sandwich.

"Maybe we should call a mechanic," he said.

Lightning Lad leapt up. "A mechanic!" he cried. "If the blasted Coluan can't fix it do you think your average mechanic could?"

(Question: Should I take that as an insult?)

Extract from the diary of SG

Dear Diary,

Packing list:

1. Hairbrush/es

2. All the underwear I own in the world

3. Pink eye shadow

4. Tea bags and tinned food

5. Micro fleece blanket

Reasons to kill Garth:

1. Despite continually telling me that it was Cosmic Boy's idea, it's probably his fault that we're in this situation

2. He has really quite ridiculous orange hair

3. He's being repetitive

4. I'm annoyed and it's only natural that the target of my annoyance should be him

Reasons not to kill Garth:

1. It would ruin my mature image

2. It might upset some of the other members

3. He has got quite nice hair really

4. I must try and be positive and remember that I may like him again in the future

5. Technically it's against the law

So we are driving along in this thing, like sardines in a poorly ventilated tin, when all of a sudden it begins to sound like a cat singing down a drainpipe. Which is quite alarming really. When we'd finally convinced that idiot Lightning Lad, who is about as observant as a wooden stick, that it was necessary to pull over, Brainy got up off the floor to see what it was. Then all the men got out and stood round the engine, doing that thing that men do when they are trying to appear technically minded.

In desperation Phantom Girl, Triplicate Girl and I stumbled across an expanse of dead grass to a cluster of small buildings that we mistook for a normal neighbourhood. We came up on an old fashioned newsagents with an elderly balding man wearing an enormous pair of glasses sitting behind the counter. He was eating spaghetti and baked beans and the smell permeated throughout the entire shop.

Triplicate Girl walked over the sweet aisle and picked up a packet of peanut butter cups. "I am eating these," she said loudly, waving them theatrically above her head, "because I don't foresee caring about anything ever again after this!" I tried to ignore this and went to engage the funny old man in conversation.

"Do you do coffee?" I asked.

"Ja, ja," he said, gesturing obscurely without looking up.

I paused, unsure of what to do next. "So, er, do you do coffee?"

He lifted his head from his plate, a strand of spaghetti dribbling from the side of his mouth. "Vat? Ah, ja, ja! Also, die Kaffee is next to die sossage."

I looked across the room and saw that there was indeed a rather filthy coffee machine next to the dried salami. Phantom Girl was perched on the table beside it, swinging her legs and humming maniacally. I sighed, grimacing slightly. "What about peppermint cremes?" I asked, deciding to go down the same route as Triplicate Girl.

He completely ignored this, saying instead: "You are not from around here, are you, young Frau? Nor your excitable companions?" Here he indicated my 'excitable companions', hotly debating which crisp flavour was the most life changing. Then he stared at me long and hard, his eyes strangely swollen through the thick lenses of his glasses.

I realised suddenly that he was waiting for an answer. "Oh, no, no," I said.

"Hmm, no, I thought not." Carefully he speared a single bean onto the fork then jabbed it menacingly at me. "You must be careful, young Frau, else you may end up as diese bean here, or mebbe as a little Fisch. Yes, be careful, but try not to think too much. Frolic as your friends do, but read carefully the road signs."

I stood dumbstruck for a moment, reminding myself that I was a mature and sensible person, when Phantom Girl appeared at my left elbow.

"What are you talking about?" she asked.

"I haven't a clue," I said, "but I do know that there really isn't any sanity left in the world.

"Oh well," Phantom Girl responded cheerfully. She leant across the counter until her face was only inches from the old man's. "I WOULD LIKE A PACKET OF COUGH SWEETS PLEASE!" she yelled.

Feeling embarrassed and irritated I dragged both of them back to the RV.

Yeah, fun :) Please review my dear friends and enemies and those who couldn't care less!

Love Jay :D