Notes: I do not own "One Piece," a most awesome creation of Oda Eiichiro. If you have not realized this yet, I guarantee that the story now veers so far off the course of canon that you will never make that mistake again. Thank you, Lady Emzebel, for patiently reviewing my comma-filled drafts.
Summary: Pirates love parties and weddings in equal measure. Hangovers? Not so much.
The sun was riding high in the sky when a subsonic drone rolled through the waters of All Blue, slowly rising in pitch until it was distinguishable to human ears as whale song, the volume of the music loud enough to shake boulders and cause undersea tremors a mile away.
"Bu-oh!"
A cloven hoof shakily stretched upwards, waving in the air like a broken antenna before coming down on a tabletop. A hellish groan issued forth from the floor, and another hoof joined the first on the table.
"Bu-oh!"
"Someone make the fucking bells stop," came a pained whimper, as Chopper pulled himself upright with the table's generous help. "Or at least hit me with a battleship and put me out of my misery."
"Bu-oh! Bu-oh-bu-oh-bu-oh!"
Chopper's anguished cries and the horrific crescendo outside brought life to the sea of limbs and clothing that lay haphazardly on the floor of Eros Cuisine's main dining room. There appeared to be hundreds of male pirates in the room, all in various states of alcohol processing. In the middle of the pile, directly behind Chopper, something green-covered burbled and raised its head, revealing a drooling Zoro. The swordsman's motions caused a fist to smash into the back of a blond head; a foot to violently bend a long nose; another foot to connect to a latex-clad posterior; and the other fist to smack into someone else's face, only to bounce off and hit a mass of sweaty black hair.
"Sweet heavens, can't you even kill me properly, you God-forsaken ball of kelp?" Sanji croaked miserably as he got to his knees by way of kicking Zoro in the ribs. He clutched his head tightly between his hands as a wave of dehydrated misery mercilessly washed over him. "Holy shit, what the hell did Kohza call that piss again?"
"Bu-oh! Bu-oh!"
"Merashishishi- oh shit, shit, shit," Ace began, before slamming his head onto the wood floor repeatedly to ease his headache. Really, couldn't he have eaten a damn devil fruit that took away hangovers along with his ability to swim? "Well-fermented agave juice, is what King Cobra called it. Kohza and Vivi called it tequila."
"Right, add that those two above me and Zoro on the banned-liquor-procurers list," Usopp panted through his mouth, his nose in desperate need of emergency resuscitation due to two bridge-crushing kicks and the moisture-less block that once represented his sinuses. "Not even Ninjin's concoctions have had such a bad effect."
"More importantly bros, I'm all outta cola. I ain't even moving from here until I get another three bottles," Franky groaned, his fingers twitching erratically. His cyan pompadour was drooping into his eyes, and overall the cyborg looked pathetic. Fortunately for all of them, he wasn't as pathetic as Luffy, who was currently extending his head towards the men's room, his neck turning a sickly shade of pea green.
"Bu-oh!"
"Ith da room s'ppoth'd ta spin?" Zoro asked idly, now flopping like a dying fish onto his back. "'N ith Bon-chan here? Cuz I thee two 'f all yer, 'n yer all piwouettin'."
The crew, sans the porcelain-worshiping captain, the immobile cyborg, and one bony musician, stared at the demonic first mate incredulously. Zoro just giggled and blushed as he groggily rolled into a sitting position. He saw a muddy pair of black combat boots in front of him, and followed them up a matching pair of tanned, muscular legs; rough, black cargo pants, and toned abs. Craning his neck higher still, the swordsman was barely able to make out a heavy 6 a.m. shadow on a rugged chin.
"Bu-oh-oh!"
"Did the magnificent Demon God Roronoa just giggle like a schoolgirl?" Ace asked, wincing as he heard the hellish singing again. He decided that standing was way too ambitious for the time being, and crouched down in front of the swordsman. "I thought you said he couldn't get drunk?"
Zoro giggled again, and leaned forward in an attempt to stand. He over-balanced and landed in Ace's stomach, forcing the fiery devil fruit user to fall back on his ass, a green head in his lap and his signature orange hat dangling around his neck. The swordsman giggled again and raised his face out of the infamous pirate's crotch. He smiled and clumsily petted Ace's hair.
"Yer pwetty hawt efen ef yer haiwy, cutie. Nawt hawt lik her cuz she hash mow breash- bwe- boobiesh. Yer hair'th dark enuf tho, sho's yuz wanna hook up- zzzzzz."
Luffy's head snapped back into place as Ace none too gently extricated himself from the dozing moss man. The adopted brothers stared at Zoro like a rare species of cootie as every other Straw-hat backed away from the swordsman slowly. Usopp thoughtfully dragged Franky away from the unfolding crime scene, the cyborg clutching the younger man's brown ankles desperately.
"Marimo, are you...could you possibly be...drunk?" Sanji screamed. Actually, he whispered it, but at this point that was just as loud as a scream to the soon-to-be sober chef.
"A flirtatious drunk at that. He is going to be so pissed when he wakes up," the sniper noted out loud. "Think of that monster with a hangover."
Chopper reeled as he suddenly had a vivid premonition of a mushroom cloud the size of Skypeia, and almost as high. He winced, then grabbed Sanji by the collar.
"C'mon Sanji, we've got to get hangover remedies and food into these goons."
"Bu-oh-oh!"
"Not so loud, shitty ass doctor!"
"Bu-oh!"
"I'm gonna be sick..."
"See bros, this is one reason why we weren't ever s'posed to have a bachelor party again."
"Bu-oh-oh!"
"Oho, a new hawty? But yer sho flat!"
"Zoro, get off of your captain!"
"Bu-oh-oh! Bu-oh! Bu-oh!"
"Yohohohoho, are we all up and ready for festivities? Laboon, let's sing!"
Brook entered the restaurant's front door with a flourish, and went straight into a rendition of Black Handkerchief of Happiness, accompanied by the 250-ton whale wallowing near the front pier.
"Bu-oh-oh! Bu-oh! Bu-oh!"
"For the love of Davy Jones, Laboon, shut the hell up!"
[~~~]
Inside the relative sanctuary of the kitchen, Sanji mechanically began the Straw-hat after-party ritual, heating up his largest grill and a number of frying pans. He gazed into the crew's personal refrigerator with one bloodshot eye, and resignedly emptied the appliance of four enormous crates of eggs, enough milk to moisturize the wailing whale outside, a round of cheese almost as large as the Thousand Sunny's paddle wheels, and 20-pigs' worth of bacon.
"We need the broccoli, garlic, red peppers and oats as well. And lots of ice and sugar," Chopper intoned from the prep table as Sanji set up an enormous mortar and pestle in front of the reindeer.
"No broccoli. What about artichokes?"
"Yeah, whatever."
"Ignorant animal, it's not whatever, it's Brussels sprouts."
"'K, we've got those...eh?"
Trafalgar Law dragged himself through the back door, using his nodachi as a walking stick. His furred hat was pulled very low on his forehead, providing a meager shield from the sun's glare. He collapsed next to his rival physician, his head firmly planted into the wood of the preparation table.
"Brussels sprouts," he continued in a muffled voice, "have in more cysteine, which is what us humans need to speed up alcohol metabolism. Idiot reindeer such as yourself shouldn't be drinking at all."
"Fuck off, Law, not great to see you. I take it Bepo hasn't finished hibernating yet?"
"With all due respect, that's your fault, Dr. Chopper, a mistake that I would happily carve into your memory if I weren't seeing four of you. By the way, your mother sent you greetings"
Chopper made an obscene gesture in response, standing up on the table to get to work on the drinking remedy, now featuring artichokes and Brussels sprouts. The pestle's pounding did nothing to improve the drunkards' aching heads, but Law put up with it, too sick to move far less complain. He was only sorry that, once again, he hadn't had a chance to identify the mysterious powder the reindeer physician was adding to the mortar; Law was certain that was the true remedy, not the vegetables. Sanji, far more used to this scenario after many nights out with Zoro, slapped rashers of bacon on the grill and began melting butter for the eggs.
"Dare I ask how the hell you ended up on the back pier, Law?" Sanji questioned the immobile Doctor of Death, blue veins sticking out of the thin, pale skin at his temples. "I distinctly remember you coming through the front last night. I think."
Law shrugged, and jerked a thumb over his head to point in the general direction of the open doorway.
"Ask the red-head vomiting off the edge. It's bound to be his fault."
Outside, the sounds of someone in a wretched state reached the chef's ears over the frying salted pork, the reindeer's pounding, and the sizzling pans. That could never be a good sign. When the pans started levitating towards the staff door of their own accord, Sanji was livid.
"I thought I warned that wank-off away from my kitchen before," the blond chef growled as he slammed his pans back on the cooking range and lit his first smoke for the morning. "Ugh, I am in no shape to deal with this shit."
"Well get in shape, cook, cause you've got the whole groom's party about to swear off of liquor for life, particularly because Roronoa is hitting on half of them."
Benn Beckmann stumbled in from the VIP section and wavered through the kitchen with Shanks on his back, making a beeline for the open back door.
"I'm throwing this greenhorn out with the other one. Maybe these idiots can learn how not to drink together. Gimme three of those eggs, one of those nauseating remedies, and a rasher of bacon when I get back in here."
"Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for- hrrk! Benn, I dun feel well..."
"Oh, shut up and make sure you wait till I get outside!"
[~~~]
It turned out not to be hundreds of pirates, amazingly enough, but a mere twelve men that had rampaged through the restaurant during the wee hours of the morning. The most rambunctious fellows were Pirate King Monkey D. Luffy and his crew, namely Roronoa Zoro, Sogeking Usopp, Devil-leg Sanji, Tony Tony Chopper, Cyborg Franky, and the late-arriving Dead-Bones Brook. Their revelry was ably assisted by the four yonkous: Portgas D. Ace, Eustass Kidd, Trafalgar Law, and the soon-to-be retired Shanks, accompanied by his first mate, Benn Beckmann. Chopper had a hard time cajoling them to the table for food as he doled out his concoction, but his hangover medicine was well-known for its effectiveness around law-avoiding circles. Within twenty minutes, all of the Straw-hat men were gathered around the table, with Luffy and Ace dragging Zoro in despite the swordsman's half-hearted pawing.
"How long does Dr. Chopper give you guys?" Law murmured as he sidled up behind Sanji, eying the food eagerly.
"None of your goddamn business," Sanji responded coolly, sliding eggs and bacon onto two plates. "Take the damn food and make your shitty magneto boyfriend eat something."
Law sneered as he turned away, earning him a kick to the hip that he barely blocked with his sword. He winced as he hobbled away, knowing that a lovely bruise would still show up on his skin in a few minutes; not like that had ever stopped his mouth from running before.
"If he's my boyfriend, Roronoa's your husband. At least he can take alcohol. Goddamn red-heads keep drinking when they know they can't hold their liquor; stupid, whiny idiots just need to learn tea-totaling and stop ruining my wardrobe."
"Amen to that," Beckmann added bitterly as he passed the younger pirate on his way to the table, a wet overcoat slung suspiciously over his arm. It had a distinctly sour odor attached to it; apparently, Shanks didn't make it far enough for his first mate's liking. The red-heads in question stumbled in just before the back door closed, their hair contrasting horribly as they lurched toward the preparation table.
"Just shut the fuck up, Law, before I keel-haul you with your own damn ship. Ow, fuck me, where's the hangover shit? I need another one," Kidd snarled, his flame-like hair spiking in all directions
"I'm too old for this, Benn! I'm dying! Dying!" Shanks whimpered, his sweaty crimson hair falling into his eyes.
Sanji's throbbing headache canceled out most of their grumbling. He absentmindedly took the mush that Chopper offered him, not even wincing as he slurped it down. Real men never hesitated, after all, even if their lives were on the line.
[~~~]
Bonney cracked her eyes open, wincing as her head let her know, without a doubt, that she was still alive. She squeezed her eyes closed, and tried to bring her body up. Slowly, her elbows were able to come up and brace against the-
'Ground, dirt, earth, sand?'
-and she attempted to rise, but something was weighing her back and legs down. Every time she tried, there was pain, so much pain in her lower back, but nothing to tell her if her legs were moving, or even if they were still attached.
'Shit! Fucking hell! Tashi, you better be in better condition than I am.'
Using her devil fruit ability, Bonney thought of her body some paltry hours earlier and reverted her cells to usefulness. As feeling came back to her legs, she pulled herself free of the wreckage that looked a lot like the main mast and sail. She tore off a long strip of the canvas and made a rudimentary poncho, ignoring the salty dampness in favor of some meager form of protection. Looking around, she appeared to be on a very small island, complete with one coconut tree and...a villa? The strawberry blonde looked up at the sky, noting the brilliant blue color and fluffy white clouds, but the lighting was...off. Too unnatural, sort of like the fluorescent lighting in the-
Screaming, twisting, damnation, seastone, extraction, laughing thrashing crying cursing bleedingnonononotthisway!
Bonney slapped herself hard. This memory was of no importance now. What she had to do was find Tashigi and a ship. The pink piratess started up the gentle slope towards the villa, noting the flotsam and jetsam strewn over the ground. On her left, in the middle of the sky and somehow floating on top of the water, she spotted a large pair of double doors. No amount of blinking, head-shaking, or slapping would cause the doors to disappear.
'Where the hell am I?'
She decided to forgo the doors for the moment; finding the former marine ensign was far more important. Tashigi's bleeding would not stop, not even for the so-called doctors in that lab, so Bonney's ability to reverse the age of the cells was necessary to stop the clone from slowly hemorrhaging to death.
"Tashigi! Bitch, answer me and stop playing dead! Tashigi!"
[~~~]
"Sanji-kun! Is my irresponsible husband still here?"
Nami strode - well, waddled really - into the restaurant's front door, Robin and Kaya in tow. Robin was consoling Kaya while holding the door open with a spare arm; the young blonde woman was turning red in the face due to her enthusiastic objections.
"Nami-san, you're supposed to take it easy, for the twins' sake!"
"Isn't she adorable, Ane-san? She's still calling me Nami-san!"
"Fu, fu, fu. Adorable as she might be, I do agree that the aftermath of an unauthorized bachelor party isn't exactly where you should be. Oh, is that you dear?"
Somehow, the women had successfully managed to weave their way through the chaotic remains of the festivities, until Franky's large arm feebly clutched on to Robin's ever so short skirt. An arm grew out of the floor to tip him over, while a screech from the kitchen let the females know that Usopp had the dubious pleasure of seeing an arm appear on the fridge door in front of him.
"Luffy! Kaya says I can't walk any more!" Nami yelled at the top of her voice. "Let's see now...3, 2, 1"
A pair of rubbery hands stretched out of the kitchen doors that lead to the main dining room, scooped up the orange-haired woman in their powerful, albeit shaky grip, and rebounded to their owner. Kaya covered her her eyes with her hands and prayed while Robin's arms formed a cola chain to resuscitate her significantly metallic significant other. With no one to comfort her, Kaya reverted almost immediately to Doctorine mode, sending a handful of scalpels through the galley's swing doors before marching through them herself.
"G'morning, honey," Usopp greeted her sunnily, despite the squint in his eyes that always betrayed his drinking. The sniper was standing next to Luffy's chair, removing the scalpels that outlined his captain's rubber head. Nami was safely ensconced on her soon-to-be husband's lap, looking thoroughly amused as wisps of black hair fluttered around her. "You're really getting good at that fan throw, sweetums."
"Don't butter me up, dammit! You're a sniper, of course I'm getting better after practicing with you. It's these two," Kaya paused as she pointedly used one index finger to incriminate the Pirate King and Queen, an intimidating passel of scalpels in the other hand currently resting akimbo, "that need to start flattering me before I put them both on bed rest with stab wounds!"
Luffy laughed at Kaya, utterly ignoring the demented nurse and her raving. Chopper patted the blonde woman's hand in consolation as he handed the Straw-hat captain and gunner another helping of the hangover chaser.
"Shishishi, morning Kaya! That was a great throw, I almost got one in my nose! Good thing Hat was chilling out on my back. How're the babies doing today?"
Kaya harrumphed and put her scalpels back in the left pocket of her signature sweater, allowing her husband to wrap her up in his wiry arms. Not even she was immune to that rubbery smile. As she fixed Usopp's crooked yellow bandanna, she responded to the captain.
"The twins are fine today, although a bit overactive. Gee, I wonder why?"
Kaya was about to launch into Nami with another tirade on how pregnant women needed to take care of themselves when a strange giggle assaulted her ears. She glanced around the table and noticed Zoro staring at her through half-lidded bedroom eyes. He giggled. She blinked
"Zoro-kun? Are you giggling?"
"Shanji, dis bwofel ish gweat! Now da galsh wif bweash arwe comin' out!"
The women blinked, while Sanji resisted the urge to go and throttle the drunk man for revealing anything about their mutual idea of fun and relaxing shore leaves. Usopp took the opportunity to slip a Hellfire Star into the swordsman's portion of the anti-hangover blend, internally complaining to Sogeking about the high levels of lechery in the general populace today.
"Mr. Swordsman appears to be drunk," Robin volunteered out loud as she and a highly revived Franky strolled into the galley, thereby stating the painfully obvious. The cyborg grunted in affirmation as he transform into a centaur so that Robin could have a seat, given the crowd around the table. Kidd blinked rapidly, an excited leer spreading across his face before his head allowed him to know that such facial motions increased the aching in his skull. He tempered his appearance into its usual scowl before speaking.
"Have we got a marine base we can ship him off to when he starts sobering up? Killer and I will babysit."
"No, Killer'll go rape half of the marines, Roronoa'll kill the other half, you'll rape both of them, and then you three will bathe in the marines' blood while it's still warm," Law muttered around a mouthful of eggs. Nami managed not to throw up at the graphic description, and Chopper made it a point to kick the pirate doctor's chair in retaliation as he removed the over-sized mortar.
"Yohohoho, you lads are quite jovial today, as expected!"
Brook entered the kitchen from the main dining area, dapper as always in his black suit. He looked none the worse for wear after spending many days traveling via giant whale, however the whale in question, Laboon, did have the distinct advantage of being able to eat seastone. Usopp and Sanji had, through nefarious means no doubt, obtained a gargantuan amount of the devil fruit-canceling ore, and fed it to the whale over many weeks. The result was one sea-monster repelling whale that could act as a ship or a submarine, provided that the passenger didn't have a problem with persistent whale breath. Laboon, having safely transported his dear father to his destination, was now busy depopulating All Blue to feed his massive hunger. Sanji was thankful that he'd already paid his staff and closed the restaurant for three months after the wedding; fish populations might actually recover by then.
"Ah, why would young Swordsman-san be giggling?"
"Shend dat one back, Shanji, she'z too bony."
"Skeleton Joke! Well played, Swordsman-san!"
"He's drunk," the assembled leaders of piracy replied, causing Brook to take a 45 degree lean against the nearby wall in shock, much to Luffy's amusement. Sanji slammed four plates of food down on the table in front of him, sliding one to Chopper as the reindeer made his way back to his seat near Zoro, another to the skeleton, who was now squeezing in between Law and Kidd, and one more to Shanks. Despite being stale drunk, he twirled over to Robin-chwan, Nami-swan, and Kaya-swan to offer each of the women some of the scrumptious breakfast. Usopp maneuvered two chairs in place for himself and Kaya, leaving just enough room for Sanji to slip in.
"Yosh! Let the pre-wedding pirate summit meeting begin!" Nami cheered loudly, to the groans of those who were still suffering. Zoro just giggled lightly, his head resting on the table as he fell asleep.
[~~~]
Tashigi woke up to the sound of waves crashing, the water throwing her higher up on the coast before sucking her back out to sea. Her eyes were bleary, and she was in no shape to find her glasses to improve her vision. The cramp in her abdomen filled her with thick, throbbing pain, but she could not spare the energy to roll into a ball and clutch her stomach. Any efforts to speak would have been in vain, her lips cracked by the sun, and her throat long ago caked shut by salt. As the constriction in her pelvis eased, she weakly rolled off of the wooden jetsam that had saved her, using all of her strength to pull herself further up the grainy beach.
'Dammit Bonney, where are you?'
The only answer she received was the crashing of waves below her. They were persistent in their pursuit of her flesh; cold, cruel, and red-tinged. It felt like hours had passed before she was finally clear of the tide's reach. The former marine prayed that the stickiness between her legs was drying salt water, and not blood again.
Bearing pain, pain, why me? Mother clone, mothering, motherless, miscarriage of life and justice
Tashigi panted harshly as her vision swam. She was pretty sure that it was blood in her pants. Her hand landed on something sharp, and she instinctively released it, causing her to collapse flat on her face. Rolling over, Tashigi brought her injured hand right in front of her nose, trying to figure out what she'd pressed on. A shard of glass was stuck in her palm at an odd angle; not a deep wound, just an added annoyance. After she plucked out the glass,which was as thick as the bottom of a cola bottle, the ex-ensign used her other hand to search for any more shards. She didn't particularly feel like adding 'pincushion' to 'clumsy' and 'blind' in her self-description. What her hand came up with was the plain frame for a pair of spectacles. Her spectacles.
'Of course. It isn't enough that I don't have Shigure on me.'
She really wanted to laugh, but only a queer scratching sound came out. Her thoughts turning to her meitou, she gained a new determination. If nothing else, she could use her sword as a crutch. Rising to her knees, Tashigi sat back and surveyed the wreckage. Clothes were strewn all over, including her favorite denim jacket, the one that matched the jeans she was currently wearing. Crawling gingerly to retrieve the jacket, she felt another cramp coming on.
'Shit, not now.'
The former marine barely got the jacket over her shoulders before she was hit by the full force of the cramp and a sudden wave of nausea, much of which she didn't feel as she passed out once more.
[~~~]
Back on the Thousand Sunny after a riotous breakfast that turned into brunch, Nami sat in the women's quarters facing a gilded, full-length mirror that she and Robin had salvaged from a thrift shop in Water 7. There was a distant look in her cinnamon eyes as the dark archaeologist styled her hair. The older woman was uncharacteristically clothed in a short, classically white sheath, accompanied by her favorite purple fishnet hosiery. Kaya was conservatively dressed in a knee-length, sleeveless, white, summer shift, covered by her normal lemon sweater with the left-hand pocket as she laid out Nami's wedding raiment on the bed.
"Well, I think that went better than we expected," Nami stated with a smug look on her face, completely unfazed by the fact that she was clad only in red undergarments, garters, and stockings as Robin finished pinning her hair up. Her lush, orange tresses were piled high on her head, exposing her long, ivory neck as the young woman looked down on her growing mound. There was a loving look reflected in the eyes of the normally manipulative female, making her look like a saint, rather than the greedy witch she was reputed to be.
"We've got the succession and back up plans sorted out, so those bastards shouldn't catch any of us quite as flat-footed as before."
"Fu, fu, fu. Subverting rising and high-ranking marine officers wasn't enough for you?" Robin asked mildly, already knowing the answer as Nami snorted indignantly.
"That's Luffy's job. My job is to make sure they never catch us pirates so vulnerable again. I wouldn't be able to take it if Luffy ever returned looking like-"
The notorious navigator's breath hitched, and Robin gently dabbed away stray tears before they could ruin her makeup. The War of Marineford, or Whitebeard's Folly, as it became known to residents of the Grand Line, was still fresh and painful in the minds of pirates the world over. If the Straw-hats had not reunited when they did, even they would have succumbed to the festering hatred that was the end-result of the full-scale barrage on the World Government's navy. There were still moments when Robin would be blindsided by the thought of how everything could have changed in an instant. Ace and Luffy could have died, or worse, been forever crazed beyond hope by the loss of the other. Family and crew bonds were thoroughly shattered by maliciously sown distrust. Many pirate crews were crushed or disbanded following that battle, futility and self-loathing forever etched in hearts and minds.
As is, the Pirate King's crew had to put Zoro, Sanji, and Usopp under suicide watch for what seemed like weeks. The swordsman attempted seppuku four times, always leaving a note on his perceived failure to aid his captain. For days after the nigh-successful fourth attempt, he was not even allowed to feed himself, far less touch his eminent swords outside of a battle. Usopp, for many days at a time, could not distinguish himself from Sogeking, leading to near-fatal chemical explosions and accidental falls from the Thousand Sunny's masts when his personality would violently and unpredictably shift between the two. Sanji forgot to eat most days, smoking pack after pack of cigarettes and deeply staining his fingertips ochre with the nicotine, yet trying his best to feed Luffy everything in the fridge. He almost burned out his eyesight by reading intelligence reports from the remaining pirate crews late into the night, high off of starvation, tobacco, and copious amount of coffee.
Distressed and battling feelings of uselessness, Nami and Chopper had taken the brunt of caring for them all, taking it on themselves to keep the broken men fed and safe, overly taxing themselves to ignore the pain. None of them would listen to the older nakama, who took to hiding the fiasco from Luffy until he was strong enough to move around the empty men's quarters without assistance. Not to say that Robin, Franky, and Brook had not been affected; the three of them took to bloody late night and early morning raids on marine ships made infamous by their cruelty and horrified survivors.
The crew only started to recover when Luffy got off his sick bed and beat all of the men to a bloody pulp, followed swiftly by kissing Nami until she couldn't stand, then confining everyone to their respective quarters. He commanded his men to shape to fuck up or get to hell off his ship, and no, there was no logic to wading thigh-deep in marine blood to make him feel better. Showing more common sense than anyone would have expected, he turned to Ivankov to treat them, not moving one inch towards Raftel until he was certain every one of his nakama was really back, mentally and physically. He commandeered Robin's writing skills to send a note to the Doctorine on Drum Island, requesting a recommendation for a temporary, piracy-compatible doctor, which led to a very pissed-off Kaya coming on board to act as their medic and unofficial shrink. Apparently she was related to Kureha on her mother's side, therefore an appropriate heir for medical diagnosis, the secret of youth, scalpel throwing, belly button rings, and caring for stubborn patients, among other things.
"You two really are the perfect chess pieces. King and Queen in every way, determined to defend the kingdom to the last through wit or brute force or both. Good Lord, we'll all go completely bonkers having to deal with a prince and princess just like their parents," Kaya grumbled loudly as she gently smoothed down the persimmon-colored silk under her hands. The empire waist, cap-sleeved affair enveloped Nami's larger figure well, and highlighted her glowing face. At the bride's request, it was indecently short, like all her other skirts, and only had four layers of tulle petticoats; the buns in her oven meant that she generated enough heat without the assistance of confining clothes.
The young doctorine's comment broke the gloom in the room, much like her husband's stories tended to divert people's attentions due to their sheer incredulity. Nami laughed out loud, and stood up with Robin's ever-handy assistance, rocking only slightly as she stepped over to the bed. Kaya, a woman who had never been fussy about her supposed material worth, carefully held the gown like an experienced handmaiden so that Robin's extra feet and arms could maneuver the bride into the dress without wrinkling the material. As the extra appendages disappeared and the fabric settled on Nami, Kaya applied a light layer of make-up, murmuring with appreciation as she made Nami's eyes, cheeks, and lips stand out. There was a hard, insistent pounding on the door that irritated the orange siren enough to start her bellowing in her legendary voice.
"Wait a goddamn minute, you impatient bastard, there's a bride dressing in here!"
[~~~]
After a round of bathing and shaving chaos that would have made Goro close down the Ukkari Hot Springs, the Straw-hat men were finally dressing in their hand-tailored suits. Sanji knew he and Brook looked dapper, but without a doubt, the rest of the crew looked like mobsters as they cursed and fought with their cravats and waistcoats. Zoro's now-sober snarling was particularly foul, the imprecations so vile that neither Kohza nor the tailor would be visiting anytime soon unless they were suicidal. The chef ignored the clothing battles in favor of dressing the groom, who didn't even have the decency to look nervous about the upcoming nuptials. He had the strongest urge to strangle Luffy with the orange cravat he was tying around the captain's rubbery neck.
"I thought you said that it would take a brave man to marry Nami? Where did those nerves disappear to?" Sanji groused, wishing once more for a cigarette. Robin's calm explanation of the dangers of secondhand smoke to the baby were quite enough; he didn't see why Kaya felt it was necessary to order the crew to tie him to the infirmary's new inversion table and frisk him for smokes. So what if Zoro found seven packs on him? They were merely insurance, damn that green stool-pigeon! The blond man turned his attentions back to Luffy, who was giving him an uncharacteristically gentle smile.
"Sorry, Sanji, guess I just couldn't share her with everyone else anymore."
Sanji cuffed the younger man in the ear as the skeletal musician came over to help Luffy into a black tailcoat.
"Stop apologizing, you shitty rubber-brained idiot! I told, we all knew what was going to happen before your puny mind could come to terms with it. Besides," Sanji grumbled, a slight blush rising on his face, "you're the only guy good enough for her."
Luffy blinked as Sanji crammed the battered and treasured straw-hat back onto a nest of messy black hair. He cocked his head to one side with a questioning air.
"How long ago did you guys know?"
"Luffy, it was painfully obvious after Arlong Park," Usopp joined in, his curly hair disheveled after a prolonged bout with his waistcoat. "You two were worse than me and Kaya."
Franky stepped into the pants that Nami had none too gently insisted that he wear for the nuptials while answering.
"Honestly, Rubber-bro, it was sad to watch you guys hook up after me and sweetums."
"Yeah but you two are old as hell; if you'd taken much longer those Speedos would have finished killing your swimmers," Zoro barked in annoyance, while pulling up his haramaki and sword belt. "Seriously, Luffy, you two practically screamed 'Hopelessly in Love' after Skypeia."
"It was so obvious even I could tell. You climbed a mountain, on a winter island, with your bare hands, to deliver her to a doctor. Plus, you keep giving her Hat to hold on to," Chopper stated, trying to put on his tailcoat without ripping the shoulders. "Luffy, you're a great captain, but you're slow on your own feelings."
Luffy graced his fellow pirates with a dignified raspberry, pulling down one elastic eyelid and wriggling the fingers on the hand stuck in his ear. Sanji yanked the tongue out like he was stretching a batch of pasta dough, while Zoro put the captain in a headlock and noogied him roughly, much to the cheers of the other crewmates.
"Yohohohoho! Now if we can find some pretty lasses to take on our swordsman and our chef, Chopper and I might be able to get some rest!" Brook exclaimed joyfully, having finally wrestled Luffy into his jacket. Chopper's face took on a Zoro-worthy smirk as he whispered loudly in the skeleton's ear.
"They met two ladies the other night that were totally interested in them!"
Sanji spat mouthwash out on the mirror of the men's half-bathroom, and Zoro nearly strangled himself with his cravat.
"Oi, Chopper, shut your shitty mouth!" Sanji groused, wiping his chin with one of the towels flung randomly around the bunks. Chopper and Brook dodged and laughed uproariously as a kick flew at their rib cages, the cook advancing on them menacingly.
"I don't kiss and tell, you little fuck, and if I catch you, you sure as hell won't be able to either!"
"Zoro, save me!" Chopper squealed, shrinking as he tried to duck out of Sanji's reach. The swordsman, suffering from his first ever hangover, was beyond apathetic.
"You made your bed, blabbermouth, now lie in it."
Usopp scoffed at them all, waving one hand as he smoothly pulled on his own coat.
"Brook means that he'll have more time to go haunting Vice-Admiral Tsuru. Why she hasn't just shot you yet, I'll never understand."
"Tsuru-chan, Tsuru-chan, Tsuru-chan!" Sanji and Chopper sang in unison; arms around each other's shoulders as if the cook hadn't been in the process of killing the reindeer. Franky and Luffy rolled around the floor with laughter. The skeleton pointedly stuck his shikomizue between the two charlatans, trimming Sanji's bangs, Chopper's sideburns, and the sniper's tangled ends all in one deft motion. Before Usopp could start squawking, Zoro's hangover interrupted in the form of sustained growling.
"Shut up, you frigging idiots! Don't you hear that?"
Everyone kept quiet. Over the Thousand Sunny's creaking and the rolling ocean, a sound drifted through the porthole of the men's quarters.
"Bwahahahahahahahaha! I see the accursed ship of that prodigal grandson of mine! That ugly-ass barge of his cook too!"
Luffy paled and hid behind Chopper's back while Zoro and Usopp held down Sanji as he started frothing and flailing. Franky slapped his hand over his eyes, already calculating the damages he'd be forced to repair after this shindig. Brook adjusted his top hat on his afro, twirled his cane, and did a quick jig.
"Ohohoho, it would appear that our guests have arrived."
There was a frantic pounding as Ace liberally applied his boot to the door.
"Luffy! Nami's almost ready, so let's get going! You are not making me deal with that old bastard alone!"
[~~~]
"Bwahahahahahahahaha! I see the accursed ship of that prodigal grandson of mine! That ugly-ass barge of his cook too!"
"Garp-sama, please stop leaning so far over the edge!" Lieutenant Coby wailed, he and Ensign Helmeppo barely able to pull the elderly man back.
"Aokiji, did we really have to bring this idiot along?" Smoker grumbled around his cigars, bareback as always.
"Our dear Fleet Admiral doesn't trust you any more, Smoker. We're all here to make sure you actually go where you're supposed to." Aokiji responded in a placating tone, not bothering to budge from the chair he had set up on the main deck.
"Hina is still shocked that you all are on my ship! Hina's ship!"
The Black Cage Commodore stepped down from the aft-deck, Fullbody and Jango prancing in front of her.
"Yes! By order of the Chief Petty Officer-"
"And the Petty Officer!"
"-go get your own ship! Come, Jango, let's give them the Dance of Farewell!"
Smoker snorted and ignored the rhythmic gyrations of Hina's pet idiots, redirecting his attention to the admiral on board.
"Why the hell did those windbags agree to only one ship entering All Blue? Straw-hat Luffy's too dumb to do it, but his navigator and head spy are bound to double-cross us. What if half of the pirates of the New World are out there waiting for us?"
Before Aokiji could respond, Hina answered the smoky devil fruit user while making herself comfortable on the chair prepared by her officers.
"Hina says Smoker-san should learn to shut up and take orders. Hina does not like all this complaining! Smoker-san should hurry up and find Ensign Tashigi!"
Smoker sat back and puffed up a storm, obviously considering the merits of strangling the woman in front of a senior officer, while Coby and Helmeppo looked on with envy as Fullbody and Jango massaged Hina's feet and shoulders. Monkey D. Garp was not a pleasure to work on, all sinew and tough, old, smelly muscles. Helmeppo still had nightmares of the time Garp ordered them to perform a gluteal massage.
"Smoker, you know Nami can only keep the truce because she can very obviously plead the belly. The Straw-hats are the most disgustingly honorable pirates out there, once she's out of commission. Your only problem is that you think we'll stop you from asking the King of Piracy to keep an eye out for your precious daughter," Aokiji stated mildly through a yawn. "Don't worry. We'll be conveniently unable to hear or see anything."
Removing his favorite eye-mask and standing up to stretch, Aokiji walked past the lower ranking officers to survey the sea from the bow of the ship. Smoker sat upright, a deep frown on his face even as he feigned ignorance. Hina watched sadly as the vice-admiral closed himself off. From many nights spent drinking with her sometimes-friend, she knew the bareback man was wrestling with great guilt.
He had been the one to insist that Tashigi go to Mariejois when she was summoned by high command, only to learn that her disappearance was not due to a training mission for future officer candidacy, but unauthorized human experimentation. Even though he helped his protégé to escape eventually, he was still trying to redeem himself for failing to protect his ward. His general disobedience of orders from high command was being tolerated for the moment, but he could not escape punishment for long.
"We all understood that something rotten was going on when the Straw-hats destroyed Vegapunk's lair," the admiral spoke again, his voice faint, but still audible over the wind and the waves, "But I'm skeptical that we've gotten to the bottom of all of this, not with those people in charge. We won't figure anything out unless we find Tashigi or Jewelry Bonney, and learn what they were subjected to before-"
"Wreck off to starboard!" Garp bellowed, Coby and Helmeppo barely holding on to the retired vice-admiral's belt. "No survivors spotted yet."
The other marine officers strolled over to the battleship's starboard edge, Hina taking a telescope from the hands of Fullbody and Jango. She peered out to the mass of debris that vaguely resembled a caravel, sweeping the telescope over the waters in an attempt to find any clues as to what happened. Her scanning suddenly stopped, and she gasped loudly.
"Smoker-san! Hina thinks you must see this!"
Smoker snatched the telescope from the lone woman, and set it against his eye. His cigars dropped out of his mouth with shock. Dangling by a belt hooked onto a jagged piece of the ruined deck was a white and green sheath, a four-petal tsuba barely visible. A green cowboy hat floated nearby. The telescope slipped from nerveless fingers.
"Fuck," Smoker croaked, not realizing that tears were forming in his eyes. Hina took charge as Aokiji froze a path to the wreckage.
"Stop the ship immediately! Coby, Helmeppo, Fullbody, Jango; retrieve that sword and hat!"
[~~~]
On board the Thousand Sunny, Ace joined the other yonkous on the grassy lawn, walking around the edges to make sure that he didn't char the center of the field. Eustass and Shanks looked much better, and Law was as mouthy as always, much to Beckmann's disappointment.
"They're finishing up with their monkey suits," Ace commented briefly, feeling another narcoleptic fit coming over him as his muscles suddenly slackened. "What's taking those marines so-"
Law caught the first Pirate King's son before he could hit the deck, cursing under the man's dead-weight.
"I concur, what's taking so long? I suppose it's too much to hope that they've sprung a leak."
Kidd attracted a telescope from his pocket and looked out towards direction that the marine battleship should have come from. He sucked his teeth as he observed two faint ship-like shapes rolling next to each other. One of the shapes was very small, and looked pitifully incomplete.
"Che. Looks like a wreck. Probably found a survivor."
"I say start without them. Marines are never around when you need them anyway," Shanks muttered around a blade of grass, looking younger than Luffy as he leaned against the ship's railing with one foot up. "It's bad enough that we have to sail to the edge of All Blue for their convenience; now they don't even have the decency to show up on time?"
"This is Garp we're talking about; we should be lucky that he figured out sunset from sunrise," Benn snorted derisively. It wasn't that Garp did not command respect from pirates worldwide; it was just the fact that he was narcoleptic, prone to massive acts of stupidity or recklessness, and had a tendency to blurt out secrets at the strangest time. In other words, he was so much like Luffy that it was hard to expect anything different just because he was a former marine.
"Gramps doesn't mess up times too badly nowadays," Ace mumbled through a large yawn before Law dropped him like a hot potato. "Ow, fuck, why isn't grass softer? At any rate, we're probably less than an hour away, so it isn't that much of a set back."
"That's just 'cause you don't wanna see Gramps," Luffy grumbled loudly as he jumped onto his brother's broad back. "You'll make me deal with him when I've got better things to do!"
The Straw-hat men stepped out in their procured finery, black cutaway suits with white waistcoats and cravats save for the groom, who wore an orange cravat and waistcoat. Usopp, Zoro, and Sanji had somehow managed to wrestle their hair back into tidy ponytails thanks to excessive application of Franky's hair gel. Chopper and the cyborg restrained themselves to gelling their sideburns and no more, while Luffy and Brook resorted to the tried and true method of shaking the bathwater out and hoping for the best.
"Luffy! You look fine, boy! Someone will make a respectable lad out of you yet!" Shanks crowed with pride, slapping the rubbery captain on his back, almost causing the stretchy young man to slide off of his older brother's shoulders.
"Sure as hell won't be you though," Beckmann muttered, winking at the dark sniper as the younger man stifled a chuckle.
"Snazzy," Kidd panted, tongue hanging out as if he were a dog in the sun. "Roronoa, you sure I can't tap that?"
"I'll tap my tsuba once before I rip you inside out is what you mean," Zoro ground out, not even taking note of the yonkous as he made a beeline for his napping spot under the mast.
"Aw, still saving it for Sanji-chan?" the red-headed basketcase continued, his eyes following the swordsman. The blond chef in question snapped loudly in response while he searched the lawn for a spare smoke he might have dropped just before the strip-search.
"You dick, I've told you to lay the fuck off of that nickname shit before I scallopine you. I thought you had orders to get laid, you ass-raping trysexual?"
"Trysexual?" Chopper inquired naively. The Doctor of Death grinned maliciously.
"What? A pirate doctor that doesn't know this old nautical term? You lack the basics, Dr. Chopper. It means that Kidd's the type to have sex with anyone or anything if he's been out to sea too long. Don't leave him around your sons, daughters, or livestock," Law quipped smartly, grandly flipping Kidd the bird in response to one black lacquered thumbnail running harshly across an abnormally pale neck. Chopper squeaked and hid behind Usopp, who hid behind Brook, who hid behind Franky, who delivered a stern lecture on manliness to all three, even while he complained about his pants chafing.
Sanji was no longer interested in Kidd as he sat on the lawn next to Zoro, growing more agitated by each tobacco-less minute until the swordsman negligently pulling a cigarette from his haramaki.
"Oi, dartboard, take it."
"Huh? Marimo why does your shitty ass have one of me-"
"Just smoke already, and hurry up before that witch comes out! You're twitching like a fiend."
Sanji sighed and used Diable Jambe to light the rescued cigarette. He drew the nicotine in and both of the men relaxed as they watched the others milling around, laughing, and insulting each other.
"How's that hangover coming on?"
"Chopper's stuff is working, but it tastes like sweaty dojo socks. With vegetables and hot sauce. I'm not even sure my tongue is still attached to my jaw. And for the record, I thought you were all women. Wo-men."
"Right, I'll keep in mind that you have beer goggles as thick as mud on the bottom of a river. Anyhow, shit-head marimo, now you know how I feel after you drag me out carousing. Welcome to the realm of humanity, you damn demon."
"Oi, you never rode Nami's ass about her drinking and lack of hangovers before!"
Where there were two young men about to flare into a bout of fisticuffs now stood one dejected man, and one puzzled crewmate. The dejected man sighed, and flung himself back onto the lawn. The crewmate eyed him warily, then resumed his own seat.
"You're not really over her are you?"
Sanji snorted in response. Duh. That was obvious.
"Thought you said it was just worship?"
"It is. It was. It's just...I'm kinda empty now. It's like giving away my sister."
Zoro looked at the blond, his eyes goggling.
"I'm sorry, you engage in crew-wide orgies with your sister?"
Sanji kicked the swordsman in the head lightly, meaning that Zoro only had a minor case of whiplash as a result.
"You know what I fucking well mean, shitty incestuous moss ball."
Zoro punched Sanji in the back, almost causing the chef to lose his nicotine fix. Yes, he knew what the cook meant; Nami had been very important to all of the East Blue boys. The battle with Arlong had been their worst prior to entering the Line, and the joy their victory had brought to her had made them all euphoric. She, Luffy, Zoro, Sanji, and Usopp had been very confused teenagers with too much strength, hormones, baggage, and bonds to lose their respective virginities to anyone other than each other, but they could see the inevitable after Arabasta, and Skypeia was a wrenching change to the situation. Yes, Zoro knew exactly how the cook was feeling, which was why he was generous enough to allow the man to get in a few more puffs before speaking again.
"So you reconsidering the whole love at first sight thing with Bonney?"
A shrug. Zoro read it as a definite maybe, which was surprising; Sanji fell in love at least once a month. Every time, it involved the Straw-hat chef giving a woman material goods, sexual satisfaction, or physical labor, until she flitted off to another man that wouldn't take her shit. The blond's only reprieve was the up-front nature of 'working' ladies, who usually walked around with a price list.
"She's kinda different. She's direct. Strong as fuck all. Didn't want anything but food. It's kinda refreshing but strange."
Zoro snorted in response. Duh. That was obvious.
"Yeah, I know, I'm a wishy washy shit-head."
"Once I don't have to tell you, target practice."
"Forgive me, oh romantic, single-celled organism."
"Romantic? Who you think you calling romantic, fucking curly-fried fool?"
Sanji eyed Zoro as if he were a moldy lettuce leaf that had decided to grow legs.
"You have been chasing after one woman for more than three years. Three. Years. Just to show her a sword she would like? Kelp ass, it doesn't get sappier than that."
"Three words. Usopp and Kaya."
"Touche."
"Suck a long one, both of you."
Usopp flopped next to Sanji, a long-neck of something non-alcoholic in his hand. Franky offered two other drinks from his expanded fridge.
"What are we talking 'bout here, bros? Some girlies got you interested?"
"None of your business, shitty hunk of scrap metal. You've got Robin, stop rubbing it in."
Franky rolled his eyes and swatted Sanji's foot off of his face. He shoved the drinks into the younger men's empty hands and crouched in front of them.
"Whatever, bros, just stop getting your panties in a bunch. Where the hell is Nami-sis, I thought she was almost ready?"
The other men chugged the cold drinks back and sighed as they cooled down their parched throats. Usopp stopped long enough to speak.
"This is Nami we're talking about. Her idea of almost-ready gives us at least another half-hour."
Zoro finished his drink, belched loudly, and pitched the bottle far over the railing.
"The den-den mushis are all set up, right? You know Water 7 and Arabasta want to tune in on this."
"A-okay," Usopp and Franky responded in unison, thumbs proudly pointing up at the screens bolted above their heads. Usopp elaborated as he used a small slingshot to send his empty bottle over the edge of the ship, "We've got those babies set up on the wall by the kitchen, and the disgusting creatures are all synced up for live broadcast."
Sanji threw his empty bottle up in the air and shot it overboard with a quick snap of his leg.
"Thought you like bugs and spiders and all those other creepy-crawlies? What makes den-den mushis disgusting compared to those?"
"Those damn snails are more lecherous than you, and have a disturbing desire to share everything they see or hear," Usopp snorted loudly. "Creepy-crawlies? Don't disrespect my warriors like that. Lemme tell you about this huge-ass spider crab I found at the bottom of the ocean in..."
Sanji ground out the remains of his cigarette and turned his attention to eavesdropping on other conversations. Zoro eased his head to the grass and settled down for a quick nap. Franky patted the sniper on his back as he threatened to shoot off various important bits of his crewmates.
[~~~]
"So what're you and Benn gonna do after I find the last one?"
Shanks grinned cheerily at the groom-to-be, who was still perched on top of his older brother.
"Back to Fuschia first! Makino says we have to come by 'cuz we're a two-for-one special. Sometimes I really don't understand that woman."
Luffy cocked his head back and laughed with Shanks, while Ace gave Benn a knowing glance that the older man completely ignored.
"Dear God, that bitch must be pimping," Kidd intoned, his eyes gleaming. "Is she even legal?"
"'Course she is!" Luffy cheerfully answered as he used his brother's back to flip over onto the rail in front of the yonkous. "She runs a bar, and she's-" Luffy paused to make a quick tally using his fingers,"30 years old at least!"
"Beckmann, she's young enough to be your daughter! Shanks, teach me how to corrupt young women that early," Law chuckled, as the first mate turned an interesting shade of pink before stalking over to the mast, gruffly snapping about young, know-it-all up-starts.
"See, it all starts with the upbringing and desensitization to violence. Now take Ace and Luffy here," Shanks began as Law and Kidd listened intently. Beckmann threw his hands in the air and stomped as he approached the pack of men around the mast.
"Roronoa, please tell me you have another smoke. Those idiots over there are wearing me thin."
Sanji's amused ears switched focus as Zoro rummaged around in his haramaki for another cigarette. A rolling drone announced that Laboon had joined the nautical procession behind the towed barge, an observation that was confirmed by a large spout of saltwater.
"Young Chopper, does Laboon look a bit off to you?" Brook began in a slightly worried tone. The distinguished skeleton was very in tune with the whale's well-being, even without any formal training. Chopper squinted and looked out to the large black bulk swimming behind the Eros Cuisine.
"He doesn't look like he's in any real discomfort, but he does seem to be shaking his head a bit. I can check him after the reception if he doesn't get any worse."
"Ohohoho, that would please me very much. The two of us have gotten very old, but he still has a few good decades left in him with your excellent care."
"Asswipe. Your compliments don't make me feel good! " Chopper somehow managed to noodle-dance in Heavy Point form for a few moments, much to Brook's entertainment. Eventually the reindeer man brought himself under control and turned to other topics.
"Anyway, have you guys had any luck getting back to West Blue? The seastone doesn't seem to be enough to keep the Calm Belt monsters away, and it's not like another ship is going to enter the Line with a female Island Whale tagging along."
"We are still working on that. I've convinced Tsuru-cha - Vice-Admiral Tsuru - and Nami to think about it; between those two very intelligent ladies, I am certain that they will figure something out."
"Hopefully soon. I'm hoping that Laboon doesn't end up like me. It's not like I can find any companionship with a compatible female."
Chopper sighed and leaned over the railing, his large hands crossed on the wood. Brook whipped out a very clean and suspiciously feminine handkerchief to dab his teary eye sockets.
"There is someone special for everyone, young Chopper, believe me. Unlike your reindeer brethren, you have the lifespan of a man to search for that someone."
Chopper gave the skeleton behind him a wan smile, then returned his gaze to Laboon. Honestly, the whale had a better chance of finding himself a compatible pod than a blue-nosed reindeer man had of finding a human female who had conveniently eaten the Reindeer Reindeer devil fruit. Everyone knew it, but most had the graces not to harp on it. Besides, the Straw-hat doctor had made a decision long ago to be content with what he had - loyal, loving, law-skirting nakama. His musings were broken by the entrance of the bridal party.
[~~~]
Nami came out of the women's quarters, Robin and Kaya flanking her shoulders. Her bright red dress and the lack of material caused every man on board to stop breathing for a moment. A long strand of orange hair caressed the left side of her face as she gave the stunned men a full view of her beauty, her lips plump and glistening, her cheeks rosy and glowing, her shape voluptuous in her breast-enhancing gown. At her appearance, Brook whipped out his violin, and began to play the traditional wedding march while he and Chopper joined the other men in the middle of the lawn. Carefully negotiating her way down the stairs in time to the musical accompaniment, Nami gave tantalizing glimpses of her garters, the other women trailing behind her like fallen angels tailing a she-devil.
"Fer fuck's sake, why do Straw-hat and his goons always have the best luck?" Kidd cursed as Nami swayed past him, giving him one lascivious wink as his brightly spotted pants tightened.
"Bitch. How the hell is Luffy supposed to handle her, pregnant or otherwise?" Law added, his eyes burning with lust underneath his furry chapeau as she smirked at him. Neither of them noticed as Luffy sprang from his perch on the railing, but they did notice when he used their heads as stepping stones. The Pirate King bounced off of the sex-starved yonkous and onto the lawn in front of Nami, landing just as Kidd and Law collided into each other face-first. Ace watched as the sex kitten suddenly gave a smile that made her seem like a innocent lamb, amazed at his brother's charms as a light blush dusted the face of the orange-haired woman.
"Wow, Nami, you look even prettier than ever!"
"Luffy! You actually got everything on the right way."
The couple gave each other goofy smiles as the groom's men cleared the spot under the mast, allowing Brook to finish the march with a flourish before Shanks and Beckmann took their places. The men lined up behind the groom with Zoro next to Luffy. Robin stood next to Nami, with Kaya right behind her. Her large bouquet of white lilies strategically covered her expanding waistline, not that anyone on board gave a damn; every island on the Grand Line knew well and good who the father was, and most people were surprised it hadn't happened sooner. Luffy dismissed it as one of Nami's moments of decorum. The urge to be a good woman would hit the Pirate Queen in the strangest ways, sometimes.
"Now all we need is for Gramps to get here." Luffy huffed, tapping his foot impatiently. "Where is he? I have a honeymoon to go on!"
"Oi, you brats of grandsons. We've got a situation here."
The Thousand Sunny's den-den mushi system blared into life, almost scaring Usopp and Chopper half to death. Garp's voice came over the system, along with visual feed back from the monitors set up just above Shanks' head. The retired Vice-Admiral was picking his nose as usual.
"We've got a wreck here, and it looks like it may have been carrying a mar-"
Aokiji gently wrestled the den-den mushi from Garp's grasp, and continued speaking.
"We need to investigate it. We'll watch the wedding from the ship and join you guys for the reception."
"Hurray!" Ace and Luffy cheered, going into a miniature jig. While they danced, Aokiji passed the den-den mushi to Coby, who came on the line with Helmeppo behind him.
"Luffy! I hope you have a wonderful marriage to Miss Nami! We'll take a short vacation so you can enjoy the babies, but then I'm taking you down!"
"Woohoo! Marine-free honeymoons are the best!" Luffy cheered, even while Helmeppo made a face at Zoro, who smirked and blew a kiss at him. Fullbody and Jango suddenly crowded the pink-haired marine lieutenant and his ensign.
"Devil-leg Sanji! Don't think I'm slacking off during this truce! I'll get you in the stocks yet!"
"You smarmy sniper! You thought you could look down on Jango? I'll get my hands on you and your pretty little rich miss once this truce is over, just you wait!"
Sanji and Usopp began a long, drawn-out routine to illustrate just how and when the petty officers could kiss their asses, while Kaya sniffed primly and ignored the screen. The young naval officers were choked out by huge billows of smoke as Smoker came on the line. He looked more haggard than anyone could remember, as if he had faced some horrible crisis over the past five years.
"Flame Fist Ace! I'll have a rematch with you yet, only this time, we'll get your head!"
"You and what army, Smoker? Or did you need to remodel Marineford again, sweetheart?"
"Shut your trap! I'll make you and Hancock and Luffy take responsibility for those damages someday soon, mark my words. Luffy!"
The Pirate King stuck his tongue out at Smoker, fingers stretching out his mouth to inhuman proportions.
"Stop that, you brat. I'm going to borrow your swordsman after this reception. I've got a sword that I need him to talk to."
Zoro perked up, his eyes gaining an unholy light. It was a sword, after all.
"Blergh! Whatever, Smokey! Shanks, let's start!"
"Shanks, you old whoremonger? Who the hell said I'd let you marry my grandson!" Garp bellowed, his hand strangling the den-den mushi. "It's your fault he's a no-good Pirate King instead of a respectable marine, who I'd be able to marry off into a decent house-"
"Garp, you old windbag, since when have you cared about marrying anyone? Tell you what, you come by Makino's in the next few months, and we'll toss back a few to the old times, hmm? Alright folks, let's get down to business."
Everyone on board the Thousand Sunny was too preoccupied with the imminent nuptials to notice Commodore Hina in the background of the marines' screen, carrying a long, white and green object below deck.
[~~~]
Author says:
Just to make sure that I've cleared up some confusion that has arisen; Sanji's fingers are yellow-tipped because he is a heavy smoker, and at one point, he was not taking care to remove the nicotine from his fingers. Nicotine easily mixes with the natural oils of the skin and causes yellow-brown staining. The stains can be removed using astringents and various abrasive methods, but the stains can become permanent.
Unfamiliar vocabulary:
Nodachi: a very large Japanese battle sword, usually some 36 inches in blade length
Ane-san: one Japanese form of respectfully referring to a big sister, or an older woman who is like a sister. It is more often used by gangs and the yakuza, to my knowledge. Male version is aniki.
Seppuku: Japanese ritual suicide to avoid capture, torture, or shame. Usually a painful and messy process of disembowelment with a long knife, then silently dying of blood loss with hands covering one's face. A key part of the samurai's warrior code.
Shikomizue: Japanese title for a sword or other weapon hidden in a cane, umbrella, or other utensil.
Tsuba: removable guard for Japanese long swords. Japanese swords do not have built-in guards; instead, tsuba are slipped over the tang of the blade to create the necessary protection. The original purpose of the tsuba was to protect the sword-wielder's hands from sliding down the blade during thrusts, rather than act as a point of deflection.
Yonkou: pirate emperors of the New World, recognized by their power and influence over other pirates.
- UPDATED FOR MYSTERIOUSLY MISPLACED SECTION SEPARATORS -