Sirius Black's Guide To Dealing With Girls
By Lily Orange
Rule 1:
Always make sure your basic hygiene is up to scratch.
Such a basic rule, but it's always forgotten by many lads who are in a rush to get the girl – or in some cases, two girls, perhaps even three, depending on how ambitious you are – forget their basic hygiene! So here are my tips (followed by the tips of my fellow Marauders, though mine are significantly superior).
Firstly, underwear – women wear underwear to sculpt and enhance their assets (I read that in a stolen copy of Lily's Cosmopolitan) and they change it every day. Therefore it is ESSENTIAL and IMPERATIVE that you change your underwear every day. It is no joke. You can get two days wear out of a pair of boxers at the most (right side and then inside out) but most girls prefer a bloke who changes his pants regularly. Why? Because they smell better. They don't seem to find who-can-go-the-longest-without-showering competitions entertaining (ahem, neither do the Marauders, obviously) so smelling good is always an attribute in their eyes.
Secondly, shower regularly, once if not twice a day. You will not regret it. Maybe invest in some shampoo and conditioner and most definitely some shower gel and soap. Because I have quite long hair – and many a girl have said that it is luxurious and silky and that it is my best feature besides... some others I could mention – I use a very simple formula in washing my hair. I use the shampoo twice on my hair, making sure to wash it out properly each time, followed by conditioner to make my hair super soft. I recommend shampoos and conditioners by L'Oreal – I use these because I needed to have a shower when I was round at my cousin Andromeda's and she had L'Oreal shampoo in her shower and I used it and I was wowed by the results. I believe, because I am worth it, that it is a very good choice.
Thirdly, change your socks regularly. I know from bitter experience (from having to share a dorm with Prongs) that smelly feet, whilst they can be amusing to your friends as they compare them with the smell of various cheeses (Prongs' are a dead ringer for Stinky Bishop), they are not amusing to the lady kind and they will think that smelly feet is disgusting. I don't understand why but it is a blanket thing across all girls that they don't like stinky feet. But anyway, change your socks regularly and wash them when you go in the shower (I mean wash your feetin the shower, not your socks. Send your socks off to the Hogwarts laundry, you fools! Anybody who washes their socks in the shower is a complete muppet). That way, you can't really go wrong, can you?
Right, now I hand over to my fellow Marauders, who are going to give their hygiene tips.
Moony
Always shave; girls find kissing a scratchy face is not comfortable. At least, that's what somebody told me when I said I was doing 'market research' for Padfoot's book. So I decided to add it in. It takes all of two minutes to shave, if that. Just don't cut yourself; otherwise it's very painful (obviously it is, Moony, get to the bloody point! – Padfoot) and not attractive at all.
Secondly, always wear deodorant. Smell is not good. At all. Did you see Neanderthals getting girlfriends before they had even had a wash? Probably not, no. I can't really comment on this because I obviously wasn't there but due to an informed guess I can probably imagine they didn't, as girls don't like troglodytes. So take advantage of the beauticians and chemists in Hogsmeade as that is what it is there for (though go in when none of the girls are looking as you want to make them think that you look and smell that good without any effort as you are just naturally charming).
Prongs
Lily, the divine, beautiful, amazing, Lily, whose mere presence emanates a radiant glow, has told me that she would like to include the fact that girls don't like it when boys have messy hair – except for mine. She thinks that every other boy should concern themselves with combing it to keep it neat – except my hair because she thinks mine is lovely and sexy when it is messy and tousled therefore I should just keep running my hands through it to make it look windswept (Prongs - are you sure Lily said that? - Padfoot)
Conducting market research, the gorgeous goddess Lily's friend Dorcas told me that she doesn't like it when, at parties, boys come at you for a quick snog but they already have brightly coloured lipstick on their face from kissing some other girl in a broom cupboard, and they have not taken the trouble to clean it off before going for another one! I have never had this problem because I have only ever snogged Lily, therefore it's not an issue. But some boys – and I was wondering whether Dorcas was referring to Padfoot here? (OI!) – seem to think it is okay to hook up with more than one girl in one night and not even hide the evidence. So there you go. Clean off any makeup on your face after a passionate clinch if you're going out there again. Really, a clean face is essential. No girl is going to kiss you if you have tomato ketchup or sauce on your chin, are they? Unless they find that sort of thing attractive and want to lick it off, but really, it's not very good in most cases. (Prongs - when has there EVER been a girl who has liked licking sauce off of boys' chins? - Padfoot). At this point I would like to remind my best mate Padders of his, um, twenty-seventh girlfriend, I think it was, Donna Fangley, who, when he stuck his face in the chocolate fountain at Moony's birthday party the year before last, ate all the chocolate off his chin. No doubt she thought it was seductive, but I thought it was downright disgusting.
I would also like to remind Padfoot that L'Oreal is NOTthe best shampoo brand out there (NO! Blasphemy! – Padfoot) as I use Pantene on mine and it works just as well, probably better, than L'Oreal. Also, when I went to Lily's at Christmas, I managed to fall off a wall and into a pile of snow (honestly! It was so much fun – Lily was a bit hysterical, though she was hysterical before I fell because apparently it isn't very good to try and balance on walls in the snow) and I had a shower at her house, and used her Herbal Essences shampoo and it was some kind of fruity combination or something and that smelled lovely! Nice smelling hair is essential. Obviously it is a bit more difficult for a girl to smell a boy's hair than a boy to smell a girl's, especially if you are about a foot taller than said girl, but it's the thought that counts! Look after yourself, and you will get the girl! (Thank you Prongs – can I just remind you, it took Prongs five and a half years to get Lily to go out with him? – Padfoot)
Wormtail
Change your socks and pants at least once a week and also brush your teeth twice weekly. (Pete! No wonder you can't get a girlfriend, man, if these are the hygiene rules you are following! – Padfoot)
I hope you liked that - thank you to everybody who reviewed, added my story to their favourites and to their alerts, it means a lot to me and I really appreciate it! Please review!
:) x Lily Orange x (: