Sirius Black's Guide To Dealing With Girls

By Lily Orange

A/N: I can't believe it took me a month to update, I am SOOOO sorry :) I hope you all had amazing Christmases and New Years, and thank you to everybody who reviewed and added my story to your favourites and alerts! Please enjoy this chapter and leave a review :D

Rule 4:

Buy her thoughtful gifts for birthday and Christmas.

This is the area where most boys fail epically. But fear not, boys of Hogwarts who are in hope of gaining a lady friend (Oo-er! – Prongs), I know just what to get your prospective girlfriends. Plus my fellow Marauders have decided, once again, to lend a hand because they - *cough* Moony *cough* - believe me incapable of selecting appropriate presents. They don't know what they are talking about. Were they voted "Sexiest Boy In Hogwarts"? I think not.

Firstly, assess what sort of girl you have on your hands – is she quiet? Is she an extrovert? Does she have particular hobbies? Is there something she really wants and she will do anythingto get it (Couldn't you have worded that a little less suggestively? – Moony)?

Due to my amazingness (Padfoot – that ISN'T a word! – Prongs), which is most definitely a word and I shall be writing to the Oxford English Dictionary people to let them know it is soon to become a weapon of mass-destruction – MUAHAHA! – and that it should be included in the dictionary (OH MY MERLIN – PADFOOT'S GONE PSYCHO! – Wormtail), I am once again making case studies for you to follow.

However, in this chapter, we are not going to be following the successes of Anna, Belinda and Carmen (A, B and C) as we have already added them to our lists of conquests due to following my own expert advice so they will be impervious to bad gifts. Thus we are going to be following the gift-giving activities of Ja– I mean, Hypothetical Boy, who from now on shall be called Lionel (LIONEL? YOU'VE NAMED ME LIONEL? – Prongs) and Lil– Hypothetical Girl, who shall be called Jelly (Once again I have to protest at your use of names – why have you called Lily 'JELLY'?– Prongs). She is so named, Prongs, because I am very hungry, and really fancy that Muggle treat, jelly and ice cream. And remember, Prongs, these are HYPOTHETICAL people! I cannot stress that enough!

This is the back story I have INVENTED for these two hypothetical people: Lionel is a six-foot-two hypothetical Quidditch captain with messy black hair and hazel eyes, who has supreme Chasing skills. Lionel has fancied, er, Jelly ever since they first met. Jelly is a clever, flame-haired witch with highly distinctive emerald eyes and pale skin. She is quite short (HEY! Lily, I mean, Jelly, is not short! She is petite! – Prongs), in comparison to Lionel, about five-foot-three, and has not fancied Lionel since she met him. In fact, Jelly has hypothetically loathed Lionel ever since she met him for some unknown hypothetical reason. However, recently, Jelly has begun to open up to Lionel and Lionel thinks he may now have a chance with her.

Any resemblances to any people you may know are purely coincidental. Lionel and Jelly were made up by the creative genius that is me. PLEASE DON'T SUE ME LILY!

Right, now to actually showing how Lionel bestowed gifts on Jelly. Like last time, this has been done scientifically, and we have closely monitored Jelly's reactions to the several gifts James, um, I mean, LIONEL, has given her.

'Twas the night before crimbo, and Lionel is giving Jelly his first gift – at this point they are in fifth year. Hypothetically.

Gift #1: Giving Her Something You Want

This is a lot of boys, including Lionel's, downfall. Many of them don't know what to buy the girls they are trying to impress for her birthday or the festive season therefore they go for something they want. This is a no-no, boys! We may desperately want a new beater's bat, the new Iron Basilisk album or a Chudley Cannons scarf (BLASPHEMY! – Prongs) but she probably does not. Thus it is a good idea not to buy her something you want. This was what happened, I mean, would happen if this was actually real, when Lionel made the mistake of giving Jelly what he wanted.

Lionel: "Happy Christmas, Jelly. I got you a present." At this point Lionel hands Jelly the gift, thoughtfully wrapped up in a virtually clean hand towel stolen out of the linen cupboard in the boys' dorm and tied with a red ribbon, stolen from Lionel's hypothetical best friend Sausage's (Sausage? This is PRICELESS! – Wormtail) hypothetical girlfriend's hair.

Jelly: Looks a bit confused. "Um, Lionel – has this been wrapped in a hand towel?"

Lionel: Making major mistake number 1 – "Well, yeah, but it's the thought that counts." Can I just insert a note here? He shouldn't have admitted that it was a hand towel. He should have said it was designer wrapping paper, created by Dobby and Banana!

Jelly: In a tolerant and bewildered voice – "Thanks... Can I open it now?"

Lionel: "Of course, Jelly!" Jelly proceeds to untie the ribbon and discard the hand towel.

Jelly: "You got me a set of Gobstones?"

Lionel: "Yep! I know how much I like playing Gobstones–"

Jelly: "Lionel, you've been stalking me for the past four and a half years, you know I hate Gobstones. You like Gobstones."

Lionel: "Well that's a bit ungrateful!"

Jelly: "Says the arrogant toerag who *bleeping* bought me a *bleeping* present which he *bleeping* wanted and wrapped it in a *bleeping* hand towel!"

Lionel: "Well if you weren't so *bleeping* difficult and a little more *bleeping* friendly then I would *bleeping* know what the *bleep* you want!"

Jelly: "That is so typical of Lionel *bleeping* Porter! He thinks the whole *bleeping* *bleeping* *bleepedy-bleeped*-up WORLD revolves around him!"

I think at this point I should terminate the recording of Jelly and Lionel's hypothetical conversation, er, creative discussion. I omitted the particularly offensive swearwords so as not to corrupt younger viewers of this book. Unfortunately, when riled, Jelly and Lionel have, hypothetically, a tendency to swear profusely.

Anyway, we can see that that didn't go down well. Just don't do it. You might not like the consequences – for instance, in this case, Lionel came out with tentacles sprouting out of his ears and Jelly with bright pink hair. Not pretty.

Gift #2: Giving her something general.

After you have figured out that getting her something you want is not a successful or safe choice (You can say that again – Prongs), you then move on to stage 2 of gift-giving – getting her something GENERAL. This means you get her something you believe all girls would want, i.e. a bottle of shampoo or a box of Cauldron Cakes. This is not specific enough – you need to put thought and feeling into the gift you get her.

Here is what hypothetically happened when Lionel presented Jelly with a hypothetical general gift. This is supposedly Christmas of sixth year.

Lionel: "Merry Christmas, Jelly! I think you'll really like the present I've bought for you!" Hands Jelly the gift, which this year is wrapped in old pages of the Daily Prophet tied with a hypothetical ribbon procured from Sausage's new girlfriend's hair.

Jelly: "Thank you, Lionel." She unwraps the gift, trying hard to ignore the fact that Lionel has Spellotaped it up with the Quidditch scores from the previous May.

Lionel: "Do you like it?"

Jelly: "Wow, er, thanks, Lionel – a box of Chocolate Cauldrons."

Lionel: "Yes, I know most girls like them, so I thought it a safe choice–"

Jelly: "Did Sausage buy this for his girlfriend?"

Lionel: "He gets them for his girlfriends every Christmas and birthday – he has so many girlfriends he has a lot of birthdays to cater for and they are cheap." Unfortunately for Lionel, he has just made a massive mistake. This could end up in him being decapitated, or worse, castrated.

Jelly: "So you didn't really put any thought into this?"

Lionel: "Well, I did, a little bit–"

Jelly: "But you are always telling me that I am special and different. And you've bought me something which you would get for everybody else. I put thought into your present." At this point Jelly whips out a present from her bag and Lionel ardently rips it open (note the fact it was wrapped in proper wrapping paper with a silver glittery tag on it and a bow) to find the new Iron Basilisk CD he has been wanting since it was released in September, and that he told everyone it was all he wanted for Christmas.

Lionel: "Thanks, oh Merlin, this was all I wanted for Christmas! – but, Jelly, I'm sorry–"

Jelly: "Just *bleeping* forget it, Lionel." Jelly goes back to reading, looking upset and Lionel leaves, confused.

So Jelly put a lot of thought into Lionel's gift and he bought her something general. And I had to get the bleepy machine out to block out the foul language. Never good.

Gift #3: Something personal that they want

This is the present that will get you in there (Oo-er! – Prongs) and my friend Prongs should get his mind out of the gutter because I meant in her heart, not any other way. I am never rude and suggestive (That is the biggest lie I have EVER heard – Moony), ever.

So how do you find out exactly what they want? It's simple. Ask them. Or, if you want it to be a surprise, ask her friends. They know her the best so will know exactly what she wants, and, if they don't, they can ask her for you.

In this case, for Jelly's seventeenth birthday (hypothetically on January the thirtieth) Lionel did just that. He asked Jelly's hypothetical friends Pickle and Olive and they told him what she wanted. This is what hypothetically happened.

Lionel: "Jelly – I got you a present for your birthday."

Jelly: "Lionel, you shouldn't have."

Lionel: "I wanted to... and this time, I believe you'll truly like it." He presents Jelly with a book-shaped package wrapped in grass green wrapping paper and tied with a large yellow bow that Lionel bought himself and didn't ask Sausage to steal off of his hypothetical girlfriend.

Jelly: Carefully opens the package to find an extremely rare First Edition copy of Pride and Prejudice by Jelly's favourite author, Jane Austen. This book is Jelly's favourite book and ever since she first hypothetically read it when she was hypothetically nine years old, she has hypothetically wanted a first edition copy. "Oh... my..."

Lionel: Grins happily whilst Jelly struggles to find the words to express how she feels. "Do you like it?"

Jelly: At this point I feel it necessary to say that Jelly threw her arms around Lionel's neck and began kissing him very enthusiastically.

There you go. The perfect way to give a girl a gift (Wow, brilliant alliteration there, Padfoot! – Prongs) is to find her something that she has always wanted and will be of sentimental value to her. She may want a photo album filled with photos throughout the years, a particular film she loves, a necklace, a bottle of specific perfume that she always wears or, if she wants it, some chocolate. Just something that is unique to her and that she especially wants.

Now you have seen how hypothetically successful Lionel and Jelly were, we go over to my fellow Marauders who would like to add their thoughts on the issue of gift-giving.

Moony

I think Padfoot explained that brilliantly (OH. MY. MERLIN. MOONY JUST COMPLIMENTED ME WILLINGLY! – Pads) but I would like to add one thing. A girl doesn't want you to spend lots on her, she wants something FROM THE HEART.

Plus I would like to comment that Sirius should never write a novel, as if he uses the same character names that he bestowed upon the "hypothetical" characters here what sort of weird names is he going to give to them? (I thought the complimenting would never last! – Pads).

Prongs

I would just like to reiterate Pads' previous message that these characters were imagined and works of fiction, not based on anybody real. Ahem.

By the way, the Iron Basilisk CD is really good. I especially like the song Fear of the Bark which is about the grim and seeing black dogs, like somebody I could mention... (Shut it, Prongs – Padfoot who in no way, shape, or form, is a black dog, and who is about to suggest to Prongs' poor unfortunate girlfriend that she kicks him off the Astronomy tower).

Plus that first edition copy of Pride and Prejudice was really quite cool as well. It was my great-great-great-great-great-great-grandma's. Hypothetically.

My lovely, divine, beautiful, heavenly, angelic Lily is the most special person in the world to me (Hey! Whatever happened to cars before bras? – Pads) – and I would like to interrupt that sentence to say that, Padfoot, the saying is NOT cars before bras and you are a weird lunatic. End of.

Where was I? Oh yes, my lovely, divine, beautiful, heavenly, angelic Lily adored the first edition copy of her favourite book. Hypothetically.

Wormtail

I would just like to point out that the words "hypothetical" and "hypothetically" have been used a grand total of twenty-seven times in this chapter. That is a LOT of hypotheticals. Now twenty-eight.

I bought Carmen a diamante hairclip for Christmas and she really liked it.

Er, that's my advice.

I think.

I hope you found that entertaining :D Have a brilliant week, love and hugs,

:) x Lily Orange x (: