Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you... cracky filler. While I work on the main storyline. Sorry! XD

Standard disclaimers apply.

Part 1.5/3 – In Which There is a Silly Interlude

And on the next episode of fuck my life... Ares thought, glaring at the Asian goddess currently treating his arm to a choke-hold. The god had run into the foreign deity while overseeing a large scale pillaging of the capital of one of the warring states of Ch'in by one of his warlords. The lady had shadowed him for several nights, fluttering around and generally making a nuisance of herself. She didn't seem to care about the city, nor did any of the soldiers recognize her.

She didn't even speak Greek. Or anything else, for that matter, which he discovered during his futile attempts to get her to just leave.

When she had appeared during the day for the first time, all white scarves and glittery hair accessories, the captured general had looked at her like his eyes were about to bulge out of his head. The man had said a few quick words to her, but she'd only squeaked and hid behind Ares.

Ares had frowned. "Who in tartarus is she?"

"She Chang'e, goddess of moon," the general had replied in badly accented Greek.

She was one of the Taoist gods, then. He'd never liked them and their fixation with nature and balance and incredibly obscure poetry. Tree huggers, the lot of them. They couldn't even be bothered to get up from their meditation mats and acknowledge his presence when he went to the sky palace of their pantheon to complain.

Then, just when Ares thought he'd gotten a lucky break and lost the woman, he returns to Xena, and she takes one look at him and says, "Who's your new friend?"

The goddess wrapped her arms around his sword arm and gave Xena a dainty glare.

Ares groaned.

"This is Chang'e, one of the Taoist goddesses. We are not friends."

Xena smirked. "You look pretty friendly to me."

"You're not jealous, are you?"

She gave him a dry look.

"Does she speak?" Gabrielle asked.

They looked at the woman. She glanced around at them for a moment before her eyes lit up and she pulled a stoppered jade bottle from her sleeve to offer to him.

"For the last time, I don't want your bottle!"

Her face crumpled at his harsh tone, but he ignored her in favour of staring hard at an innocent patch of yew. "Not you, too," he complained.

Amidst a sprinkle of bright laughter and golden sparkles, Aphrodite made her appearance.

"Hey, bro! Got a new girlfriend? Ooh, she's got nice fashion sense!" Aphrodite made a little twirl, and then she was wearing a pinker version of Chang'e's glittery robe. "Not bad, huh?"

Ares was technically incapable of getting headaches, but Aphrodite possessed what he thought of as the 'sister effect'. He rubbed the bridge of his nose. "If you like her so much, you can have her."

Chang'e held her bottle out to Aphrodite.

"Aww, thanks, sweetie!" Aphrodite uncorked the bottle and took a little sniff. Her nose scrunched immediately. "Urgh! That's vile! Smells like herbs and stuff." She looked up and around. "What's in this thing, anyway?"

Xena shrugged, but a new voice broke in before she could offer a guess.

"That is the elixir of immortality."

Their eyes focussed immediately on the pointed ears popping out of the newcomer's shaggy grey hair and the distinctively muzzle-shaped protrusion of his nose and jaw.

"And you will give it to me," the wolf-like man continued.

His dramatic statement didn't have quite the desired impact, and everyone's words mixed in a confused babble.

"Who the hell are you?"

"What are you?"

"How did you—"

"Oh my gosh, your tail is so cute!"

The last was from Aphrodite, and had all the stopping power of a brick wall.

"What?"

The man cleared his throat and glared fiercely. "I am the great Four Tailed Wolf Demon Lord, and are you going to give me the elixir or not?"

"That name's a mouthful, isn't it?" Xena stepped calmly in front of Chang'e, her sword drawn and resting lightly on her shoulder.

"It's shorter in my language," the demon replied reflexively, and then he snarled and shook his head, ears twitching agitatedly. "That doesn't matter! I will have the elixir!"

"Does the girl want to give you the elixir?"

"I'll take it whether she wants to or not!" The demon charged with claws outstretched.

Xena brought her sword up and between the sharp claws of the demon's right hand, digging into the thick pads lining his palm. He strained against her, aiming his claws for her face, and Xena twisted the blade sharply with a flick of her wrist. Nails snapped off with a spray of blood droplets, and the demon howled in pain before dashing off into the forest.

Chang'e hovered by Xena's side now, sneaking quick touches to her arm when she wasn't looking. Xena snatched her arm away again and glared at the silent woman.

"Why are you so damn touchy-feely?"

Gabrielle snickered, having been filled in once Xena returned to their camp trailed by three gods. "You saved her from the big bad wolf! Of course she's going to stick close to her protector."

"Yeah, yeah, laugh it up now. Wolfboy's going to be back, and then you can fight him."

Gabrielle covered her grin with a hand. "You think he's going to be a problem?"

"No," said Xena.

"He's an idiot," said Ares.

"What's he want with an elixir of immortality if he's already a demon?" Aphrodite asked.

"From what I remember of Lao Ma's teachings, any living thing can achieve, er, Dao... I think, through meditation and understanding their own self. It's supposed to take hundreds of years, so many aspiring meditators try to find shortcuts to immortality. This elixir must be one of those shortcuts."

Gabrielle gave Xena a sceptical look. "That guy meditated for hundreds of years?"

Xena shrugged. "Maybe. The idea was that animals who did this gained human form as well as Dao."

"I still don't understand what that means."

"Dao. It's what they call a state of enlightenment."

"And immortality."

"Yeah."

Gabrielle rolled her eyes. "And I thought our gods were complicated."

"In any case, anyone trying to steal a shortcut to enlightenment doesn't deserve it," Aphrodite said. She looked around in the ensuing silence and threw up her hands. "What? I have my moments of wisdom!"

"Aphrodite's right," Xena said, nearly managing to keep a straight face, "We should protect Chang'e and her bottle."

The goddess took that as her cue to lean her head daintily against Xena's shoulder and offer her the bottle again.

Xena groaned.

The wolf demon waited until deep into the night, once their fire had died down to a slow flicker, before slinking into their camp. He headed towards the still shapes wrapped in the bedrolls, reaching out a hand on which claws shone white in the fitful moonlight.

He saw only a glitter out of the corner of his eye before a cold, and above all, sharp edge pressed into his clavicle.

"Not very smart, are you?" Xena said reflectively.

He turned with a snarl and leapt, unmindful of the seeping slash he'd gotten on the side of his neck from the movement.

Xena dropped to the ground with a muffled curse and rolled to the side.

"Fast, though," said Ares from next to her.

She gave him an unimpressed look. "Thank you for that. I think I just might never forget the way you offered up that little gem of wisdom instead of helping me in any way."

"I thought you had it covered," he replied with a grin.

"Please shut up." Ignoring Ares' chuckling in favour of leaping over the wolf demon's next charge, she rebounded off of a branch and landed lightly in a tree. Gabrielle and Chang'e were waiting for her there, Aphrodite having excused herself once it became obvious that she would need to lie on the ground. She'd had quite enough of slumming with mortals to last her for several lifetimes, thank you very much.

Gabrielle had a smirk on her face. "He gets to you, huh?"

Xena unclipped her chakram with a metallic clink. "Let's just get this bastard and leave the girl talk until later, yeah?"

"Like you wouldn't just come up with another excuse not to talk about this later."

Xena looked at Gabrielle seriously, ignoring the howling and rasping of claws against the trunk of their tree. "What is, is. No amount of talking is going to make a difference."

Gabrielle shook her head. "You'd think you'd get flustered or something, making a confession like that."

"I'm too old to blush and stutter."

"Nah. I think... you're just secure," Gabrielle said.

Xena put her hand on Gabrielle's arm with a smile, gently squeezing the warm skin. "I'm lucky to have what I have."

"As endearing as this love-fest is, are you going to stay up there chatting like old grannies all night?" Ares' annoyed voice floated up from the camp. There was a sound like fangs scraping across a metal gauntlet, and the wolf demon whimpered and backed into view.

Xena grinned and let the chakram fly. It separated into two flashing blurs that raced toward the demon, flanking him. The demon leapt out of harm's way, and Xena descended on him sword first with a yell. He somehow twisted in midair and got by with a scrape on his side. Gabrielle's sai clipped his ear as he made a four-legged race for the tree-line.

Xena caught her chakram without looking, huffing out a quick insult to dogs in general, and inhumanly agile ones in particular.

"Should we go after him?"

"Not in the dark," Gabrielle said, and then gave Ares an appraising look. "Actually, since you're a god, feel free to go track him yourself."

"I'm the god of war, not a bloodhound," Ares said scathingly.

"You can't see in the dark?"

"No!"

They both turned at the sound of Xena's laughter. When Chang'e's light tinkling joined in despite her obvious lack of grasp on the situation, Ares and Gabrielle darted a quick look at each other. Ares shrugged.

Ch'in was cold.

"You could have told us it was winter here," Gabrielle said grumpily.

"It's not. We're just farther north." Ares pointed to the steaming carcass of some sort of deer behind him. "And I brought you that, didn't I?"

"Do you have any idea how long it takes to get pelts wearable?"

"About two seconds." Ares snapped his fingers, and the large brown pile became smaller, less smelly, but just as brown.

Gabrielle picked up the coat and examined the seams incredulously. "Huh. God of seamstresses."

"You're welcome," Ares glowered.

"Alright, kids. Stop bickering," Xena said. She eyed the skinned deer speculatively, heavy knife in hand. "It would have been nice to skip the cooking parts, too."

"I don't do cookery," Ares said, his expression put upon.

"Say," said Gabrielle suddenly, "don't Taoists refuse to eat meat? Does Chang'e need to eat in the first place?"

"Just ask her." Xena looked around. She frowned. "Where is she?"

Dull-coloured scrubland speckled with dull-coloured rocks stretched out in all directions, gently rolling to the east and ending in mountains to the west. A wheeling predatory bird cried out high above, and some brush rustled with a small animal's fear. There was a noticeable lack of white and glitter.

"Well," Ares said eventually. "We did come here to bring her back. Maybe she went home?"

"She is a god," Xena agreed. "She should be able to take care of herself." She thought for a moment, and said slowly, "On the other hand, given the circumstances..."

Ares sighed. "Fine. We'll look for your girlfriend."

Xena grinned at him. "What, are you jealous?" she mimicked.

"Of course I am."

Xena looked at him, surprised.

"In fact, I think I will need some affection to make it better."

Gabrielle wasn't sure if Xena was going to start laughing, put the knife in her hand to good use, or actually kiss him. She didn't think Xena knew, either, given the strange look on her face.

Luckily, they were interrupted by the sudden appearance of an elderly man with whiskers down to his hunched chest. He walked with the help of a gnarled cane and would have appeared normal in every respect were it not for his dropping out from thin air with a popping noise, and the fact that he was entirely the colour of the land in both skin and clothing.

Xena looked at him suspiciously and absentmindedly pushed Ares out of the way. "Who are you?"

"I am the Earth of this area," the little man said in a cracked voice and accented Greek.

"You're the embodiment of the land?"

"Yes," he said, faint surprise colouring his voice at the question. "Every land has a voice and a body like me."

Xena seemed prepared to accept that. "Alright, what do you want, then?"

The earth spirit gave the kind of sheepish smile only available to those with whiskers down to his chest. "Well, you seemed like strong, warrior types, and since they've got your friend anyway, I thought I could get some help—"

"Who's got our friend?" Xena said sharply. "Which friend? The girl in white?"

The spirit swayed back under the force of her glare. "Yes, yes. The demons that have invaded my land have your friend."

"What demons?"

He pointed a finger like a weathered stick. "They live in the caves in the western mountains. It is called Tiger Wolf Cavern."

Gabrielle heard most of this exchange, but she had something on her mind. "Why did you have to make this place so cold?"

The spirit stared at her blankly. "Is it cold? I quite like it."

What they found in Tiger Wolf Cavern was a tiger and a wolf. Both were demons that had mostly human bodies, wore ornate armour, and had trouble talking through their long teeth.

The wolf jumped to his feet, overturning a plate of what looked like jerky, and pointed. "You!" he said.

Ares' jaw slackened. "You!"

The tiger demon wiped his mouth hurriedly and stood as well, feeling left out.

It was the same incompetent wolf demon who had followed him to Greece.

"How did you manage to steal Chang'e without any of us noticing?" Ares said doubtfully.

The wolf puffed up his chest as much as his plate armour would allow. "This is my turf. I have powers here you could never dream of. I can be the smoke on the wind! I can be the shadow under—"

A fireball formed in Ares' hand. "I've had enough of this."

"You... you can't do that! Guards! I have guards!"

Xena tossed a few helmets onto the ground. "Had," she corrected.

Gabrielle gave her sais a meaningful twirl.

The demons looked at each other, and then they rushed.

Both demons were extremely fast and seemed to rely solely on barrelling into someone in a clanking blur and trying to sink their teeth into their opponent's necks. Ares and Xena took full advantage of the extra reach their swords afforded them, but Gabrielle sheathed her sais in favour of a long pike.

The result was a strange form of jousting. Xena sidestepped another charge and took a swing at the passing demon. Her blade scored the demon's arm and left a splatter of blood on the rocky ground, but the demons' armour was effectively preventing any serious damage. The tiger demon had displayed an ability to inhale and swallow any fireballs Ares lobbed, leaving him with smoking breath, but none the worse for wear.

Slashing obviously was ineffective, Xena thought, and they were too quick at twisting away from stabs. She caught Ares' eye. He nodded, readying himself for the next charge.

This time, when the wolf demon rushed at her, Xena dashed forward, bypassing the bewildered demon, who skidded as he tried to stop, and she matched Ares' pace to flank the tiger demon.

There was a crunch of shattering armour and the scrape of blade against bone. The tiger demon snarled and struggled against the two swords impaling him like meat over a spit. Xena dodged the heavy swipe of a paw as best she could, but the claws left three parallel scratches on her collarbone. The demon lashed out again, but his movements were sluggish. With a harsh tug, Xena let her sword slide out of the demon's body. When Ares did the same, the demon collapsed into a murky puddle that was quickly turning into reddish mud.

His shape shifted in an eye-watering way, and then there was a big cat lying on the ground, its fur streaked with blood and its flanks heaving quickly and desperately. It stopped breathing.

Xena frowned, feeling a bit of a twinge. It really was just an animal.

A loud howl echoed through the cave, and Xena turned to see a huge wolf bearing down on her. The other demon must have transformed upon seeing the dead tiger. The wolf leapt, fangs bared and snarling, and Gabrielle stepped up smoothly and stabbed the pike into the wolf's belly. The wolf grunted, but brought a paw forward and slashed the wooden weapon into chunks. He landed on his feet, wobbled, and turned to fix Xena with yellow eyes.

There was an empty space where Ares had been standing.

She watched Ares bear down on the wolf from a high leap, sword extended, and all his weight devoted to driving the blade down. It crunched through the bedrock.

A whine rasped in the wolf's throat before it spasmed and stilled.

"Nice acrobatics," Xena said.

Ares pulled his sword free. "Someone used that move against me once, and I thought I'd give it a try," he said airily.

"I never stabbed through your skull like that."

"I made some improvements."

"Hah," Xena said.

Chang'e latched onto her arm in a blur of white and pressed her face flush against Xena's skin.

"Great." She sighed and pried the goddess free. "Look," she said, "he's dead now." She pointed at the wolf's corpse. Chang'e squealed and buried her face in the crook of Xena's elbow again. Okay, pointing out the dead wolf with leaking brains might have been a tactical error. Xena tried again. "He's dead, so you can go home now." The goddess regarded her with polite incomprehension.

There was a snicker from Ares' direction, though he never looked up from cleaning his sword.

Gabrielle just spread her hands and shrugged. No help there.

"You live in the moon, right?" Xena persisted. At Chang'e's delicately inquisitive moue, she pointed upwards. "The moon! You're Chang'e, and you live in the moon!"

There was a light laugh from behind her. Xena spun around and saw what had to be another deity. Her hairstyle was, if anything, even more ornate, gravity-defying twists of hair piled onto her head and speared into place with glittery webs of ornamentation. "You are partially correct. She does live in the moon," said the goddess, "but she is not Chang'e."

"... What?"

"I am Chang'e."

"Then who is she?"

"My companion, the White Rabbit."

Xena's forehead smoothed out in understanding. "The White Rabbit on the moon makes the elixir of immortality with mortar and pestle," she said quietly, as if reciting something heard long ago.

"Why is she down here, then?" said Ares, aggrieved. "If you knew how much trouble she's caused me..."

Chang'e, the real one, bowed. "I am terribly sorry, Western god. I had left her alone on the moon while I attended the great festival at the court of the Jade Emperor, and she took the opportunity to take on my form and come down to investigate the mortal world."

"All this because you went to a party?"

"I apologize again." Chang'e reached out a perfect, pale hand to the trembling rabbit cowering behind Xena, and suddenly she was holding a white bundle in her arms. She stroked its ears gently, which did absolutely nothing to help the maniacal look common to all rodents on the rabbit's face. It twitched its nose at Xena.

"She says 'thank you'," Chang'e said.

"Just tell her it was no problem." Xena paused. "Uh, if you can translate that into rabbit."

Chang'e smiled beatifically. Xena wondered if she was the only one feeling a bit nervous, especially at the calculating look in the goddess's eyes.

"So," Chang'e said. "Are you ever going to stop dancing around and just kiss him?"

Xena stiffened. Ares had come up behind her until his shoulder barely brushed hers. "You're awfully blunt," she said.

Chang'e was still laughing while she vanished.

Xena saw Gabrielle casually step over the wolf to head for the cave entrance. She gave Xena a look over her shoulder before slipping out. Xena gave her best glare.

When she turned around, Ares was way too close. He was much taller up close, and Xena had to look up. He radiated heat in the cold of the cave.

He stepped back hurriedly.

"Sorry," Ares said. He rubbed his neck uncomfortably, his eyes darting over Xena and away again. "I didn't mean to— I mean. Well. I don't know—"

There were enjoyable methods of shutting him up at least.

No, of course she didn't do that; they were surrounded by dead animals.

To be continued.