As she sat in the cab on her way to see Dan to discuss the bombshell her brother had just dropped, she replayed Eric's words in her head.
"They were talking all right, about hurting each other and being sorry and then they, gag me, kissed. And headed towards Mom's room. I had to get out of there. I already had a disgusting picture in my head."
So now what was she supposed to do? She had enough issues with her mother. How could her mom do this to her? To Bart, whom less than an hour ago she'd claimed to love? Serena knew her mother was a lot of things, but never had she thought her mother would be capable of this. Serena had specifically asked her mother to stay away from Rufus for Serena and Dan's sake. How could this be happening?
Serena got out of the cab only to see her mother heading into the Humphrey building. Serena was unsure of how to react. First, she stood rooted to the spot in complete shock. Second, she had an intense urge to scream. Last, she collected her wits and followed behind her mother by only mere minutes. But before she could do anything, her curiously over took her and she listened into her mother and Rufus's conversation.
"Are you're kid's home?" Lily asked glancing around the room, desperately hoping they were. She took his silence for a no and stepped inside. "Can we please talk?"
"Okay, well, have a seat. Do you want a drink?" Rufus asked politely, grabbing his drink to brace himself for whatever Lily was going to say.
"No thanks," she said, crossing over to the couch, as he followed suit.
"So, what's on your mind, Lil?"
"What's not on my mind? I know you and I made the decision that it was better if we didn't see each other anymore, but I can't allow myself to let this happen again. The last time I let you go and I'm not about to do it again, not without a fight. I'm having a really terrible day and I need you, Rufus. I need someone to talk to and nobody knows me better than you do. I don't have anybody, Rufus. My children, I've screwed up countless amounts of times with them. Serena fled New York to go to boarding school, but not before she developed the reputation of party girl. I'm proud of how she is now, but that still doesn't excuse me for not being there for her. And Eric—oh, Eric! He tried to commit suicide because I wasn't there for him and that hurts. I try not to let it, but every so often it cuts me deeper than anything else. I feel like a failure. I've been divorced three times already. I know it's not five or six or anything, but it's still more three more than I would have liked. I just—Bart: he's great. He's perfect in every single capacity for me. But, he's just—I don't know. I love him, I do. I swear. I do feel some affection for him, it's just—not very strong. It's comfortable with him. I can be happy with him, I suppose. But I know it'll be another divorce. A number: that's what Serena said he was. 'Another notch in my lipstick case'. We got into an argument and she told me I wasn't capable of loving anyone or anything and it just got me to thinking maybe she's right. I mean sure, I loved you, but I just destroyed that. I self destruct. I ruin anything good I ever have. I just can't take it anymore. I'm hanging on a loose thread that's about to break and I don't think I have what it takes to hold on anymore. My entire life I've been taught to hide my emotions, but my life isn't perfect. I know nobody's is, but I'm not happy. I can't look at myself in the mirror anymore," she took a deep breath in, before allowing the built up tears to escape. That's when Rufus pulled her and held her. She placed her head on his white shirt, his shirt being streaked with mascara. He consoled her with murmurs and whispers of "it's okay's".
After minutes that seemed like hours passed Lily had calmed down and began to speak once more. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say all that. That's not why I came here. What I actually came here to tell you is—well, that I want you in my life, Rufus. Even if you're just my friend. I don't want to loose you again, Rufus. I know that we can't be together for Dan and Serena's sake, but I don't want to be bitter enemies and I certainly don't want you to hate me."
"I don't hate you, Lil. As much as I'd like to sometimes, I could never hate you."
Serena stood rooted to the spot, instantly wishing she hadn't decided to eavesdrop on her mother and Rufus. Now she didn't know what to do? She hadn't for event a jiffy considered the fact that Lily could genuinely feel anything for Rufus. Now she was torn. Whose heart would it be? Hers or her mothers? One of them had to be broken.