Chapter 5, Part 1
The Reason Why
When Toki came thru the door for the second time, Skwisgaar barley bothered to open his eyes. He was still so tired...
"God, Toki, I thought you woulds take longer to tells him..."
"To tells him what?"
"You knows...what we dones."
The thought that Skwisgaar had caused Pickles pain—had stolen Toki from him—was enough to make the Swede's heart feel like it was floating, but Toki said nothing in response. Skwisgaar opened his blue eyes and stared over at him. Something was wrong. Toki just stood in the open doorway, twisting his hair nervously. Skwisgaar swallowed. What was going on?
"Uh...Tokis...what ammnest you-"
"I sorry, Skwisgaar."
"I...what?"
Toki began sobbing now, falling heavily onto the bed. He still wasn't dressed yet. Skwisgaar hadn't bothered to get up or anything. Now he suddenly regretted it as Toki scooted closer to him and continued to cry.
"Toki, what-"
"I can'ts do this..."
Suddenly Skwisgaar found that tears were coming to his own eyes. He didn't know why, but he could tell something bad was coming."Do whats?"
"I'm so sorry, Skwisgaar...so, so sorry that I hads to do this to yous."
And he understood. Toki wasn't crying about breaking it off with Pickles, he was crying about breaking it off with him. Skwisgaar felt a solid lump forming in his throat as he asked, "Whys?"
"Because, I didn't know what I was doings..."
He shook his head, his blond hair falling in his face, obscuring his teary eyes. "Whys you gots to do 'dis to me?"
Toki bit his lip in that way that Skwisgaar liked so much and whispered, "I ams so-"
"You ammnest killing me, Tokis."
The Norwegian looked ashamed as he said, "It was just that...that..."
"That what?" Skwisgaar asked. He didn't know why, but he was honestly curious. What did Pickles have that he didn't? Hadn't he been good to Toki? Hadn't he played by all the rules so far? One night, that had been it. He hadn't done anything wrong...or had he?
He had to know.
Toki looked down and shook his head. Like a small child he said simply, as if he could read the other man's mind, "Nos..."
Skwisgaar reached forward and wiped a tear from Toki's face. "Looks, just tells me. I can handles it; I wants to know."
"It ams just..." he took a deep breath and said all at once, "...yous was just, I don'ts knows, I can'ts say it right...it was like yous was just fuckings me to dos it, cause you wanted to, and-"
"Ja, I do wants to fucks you. Sorry if that considered a crime," Skwisgaar mumbled bitterly.
Toki continued, "-and when me and Pickle dos it, it like we together. Yous was just so...so..."
"So whats?"
"I don'ts knows...self absorbed." as soon as Toki said it, he began shaking his head and sputtering, "No, nos, that not what I means..."
"And Pickle isn't?"
"I just...I..."
"Toki, look, say what you wants, but just don't ever compares me to Pickle. Ever." Skwisgaar said. "It hurts too much."
Toki looked down and bit his lower lip a little, giving Skwisgaar the sudden urge to kiss him, to make love to him like mad...he was just so perfect. Perfect enough to rip his heart apart. Finally Toki admitted, "I loves you, but not in thats way. I realize that now."
"Now? Now you realize it after I gives you everything?"
Toki sniffled and wiped his nose. "I am sorrys. I just didn't know..." his voice trailed off and once again he began to cry. Skwisgaar, realizing that this would be his last chance to hold him, let Toki crawl over into his arms. Then something hit him.
The realization hit him harder than anything he'd felt in his life, and made his anger for Toki melt away like snow in the sun. Toki hadn't meant to hurt him, and knowing that he had made him feel so hopelessly guilty. He had just wanted to get his heart in the right place, nothing more, and he hadn't known how else to do it other than sex.
Skwisgaar swallowed. He felt very bad for making Toki cry so much. Why make it harder on him than it already was? No matter what he said, at the end of the day, Toki would always belong to Pickles. It was something he had to accept, no matter how much it hurt. No matter how much it made him just want to crawl into the covers of his bed and never get out again. He sighed. He knew what he had to do.
Skwisgaar let his shaking hands travel through Toki's hair one last time. He lifted his head and stared into the pale, blue eyes. They were red from so much crying and full of guilt and hurt. Down Toki's face there ran shining trails of tears. Skwisgaar let out a ragged breath as he closed his eyes, leaned forward, and kissed him. Kissed him for the last time.
"Ugh...Tokis?" he muttered as he ended the kiss and let his forehead rest against the other man's. He looked into his eyes and touched his cheek gently. "You gots to go back to Pickle."
"But Skwisgaar, I-"
"I gets it, okay? I understands that you loves him."
Toki looked down, making Skwisgaar touch his hand and whisper, "Go."
"I so sorrys."
He shook his head and said in a firm, unwavering voice, "Don'ts be. Don'ts ever be sorrys for doing what makes you happy, cause 'dats all I want now. Just for you to be happy. Can you do that for me?"
"Ja."
"Good," and Skwisgaar released him and turned to face the wall. "Go. Gets out of my sight."
"But-"
"Go!"
He heard the springs in the mattress squeak as Toki got out of the bed, and he heard the echoing of footsteps as he walked out of the room and out of this part of his life forever.
: :: :: :: :: :: :
Chapter 5, Part 2
Everything Made Right Again
As soon as Toki had closed the door to Skwisgaar's room, he leaned against the wall and began to cry all over again. What had he done? How could he be so heartless? Poor Skwisgaar...Toki was such an idiot! He was...he was...
"Toki?"
At the sound of his name, he looked up. Pickles stood at the far end of the hall, his hands jammed deep into his pockets. When Toki met his gaze, he shrugged and asked, "So...uh, you okay?"
"Pickle!" he ran over to him and leaped into his arms. The crushing force of his weight was nearly enough to send Pickles flying backwards, but it didn't. He did stagger back a few steps, though, as he wrapped his arms around Toki and let him cry.
"I didn'ts wants to..."
"I know, Toki."
"I feels so bad."
"It's fine."
He let out a little sob and asked thickly, "How do you knows?"
Pickles shrugged. "He just wants what makes you happy. If I make you happy, then I think he'll get over it. It'll take him some time—a lot of time if he loved you like said he did."
"What if he don'ts?"
"Then that'll be sad, cause I don't want to give you up neither." Pickles said with a grin. "Now come on. We have some catching up to do," and he took Toki's hand. The two of them walked down the hall together, and for once it seemed to fall into place.
For once everything seemed normal.