disclaimer; I certainly don't own OHSHC.
notes; Now, I'm not proud of the ending. Just throwing that out there. Also, this was written for December'sRose, the greatest beta anyone could ever hope for.
Listed as 'adventure' facetiously.
There be slash ahead. Continue if ye dare.
xx
"I wonder what it'll take to shut him up."
"Learning the answer to that is like solving one of life's greatest mysteries. You get used to it after a while."
xx
Hikaru is pissed.
He's pissed, and he's hot, and he's sweating, and he's uncomfortable, and he's squashed between a very hard wall and a very annoying blond.
"On the bright side," aforementioned annoying blond chirps up softly, so as not to inform the rabid fangirls of where, exactly, they're hiding. "It could be worse."
Hikaru would very much like to snap something along the lines of I'm currently smushed into a closet with the bane of my existence after narrowly avoiding fangirl clutches, which, frankly, are much more terrifying than clutches of any other kind but he hears deceivingly dainty footsteps right outside the door and stays quiet.
Once the footsteps fade, he deems it safe enough to painfully jab his senpai in the ribs.
"Ow!"
"This is your fault," Hikaru hisses into the ear pressing against his nose. It occurs to him that the taller boy's head must be at an awfully awkward angle for his ear to be at nose-level. It also occurs to him that not only does he desperately not care, but he also desperately wishes more discomfort on Tamaki.
After all, it is entirely Tamaki's fault that they're here, in this confined space with no breathing room. Hikaru's nose is assaulted by the smell of roses and dog and tea that pretty much emanates from Tamaki, and he's breathing in the fabric of the blond's jacket, but it's all fine and fucking dandy because at least they're still alive.
"No it isn't," Tamaki protests, his voice as quiet as he can possibly make it. He shifts a little bit, trying to make himself fit better in the space obviously not big enough for one Tamaki, let alone one Tamaki plus a Hitachiin. "It's not my fault the ladies at this school are completely psychotic under certain circumstances."
"And who caused those circumstances?" Hikaru asks crossly, wincing as Tamaki's elbow hits him square in the chest. "Stop squirming!"
"I didn't mean to," wails Tamaki, and Hikaru jabs him in the ribs again to get him to shut up before the girls hear him. He continues in a hushed voice. "I didn't. Cause them, I mean. How was I supposed to know that they'd take it the wrong way?"
"...Tono, there is no right way to take one boy hugging another from behind and saying they had a great time last night. It's just not possible."
Tamaki's elbow collides with his chest again, and Hikaru's sure that one was on purpose. He glares into the pitch darkness and contemplates biting the blond's ear off. But no, he would surely scream, and then the girls would be there, shrieking about moe and kawaii and whathaveyou, and it just isn't worth it.
"I was simply thanking you for your hospitality! Your cook makes excellent spaghetti."
"I'm well aware of that, why do you think Kaoru and I love Italian food so much? The man's half-Italian and a freaking genius." Hikaru gives himself a little shake, causing Tamaki to tremble, too, close as they are. "And I know you were just talking about dinner, but the girls didn't know that, and I know you know they didn't know so why the hell did you say anything?"
Tamaki hesitates, then simply says "I don't know."
Huffing, Hikaru nudges Tamaki's ear with his nose. "You don't know much," he whispers scathingly. "Look, there's no way for us to be sure it's safe to leave. We could be stuck in here for eternity, until we grow old and gray and your neck's position is irreversible."
"We could call one of the club members," Tamaki suggests, determined to help in some way shape or form. "And get them to come rescue us with wigs and cloaks. We could pretend to be part of the Black Magic Club."
"Yeah, then no girl will want to tackle us," the dark-haired twin chuckles under his breath. "All right, let's do that. But, er..." He pats his pockets, one by agonizingly slowly one as he maneuvers around the blond's limbs. "...I lost my phone."
"No doubt Renge stole it to go through your texts and try to find incriminating evidence," Tamaki tries to joke, but the assumption is far too likely for it to amuse them. "Mine's in my pocket, hold on..."
The elbow digs into Hikaru's chest, and he gasps in pain. "No, don't do that," he hisses, trying to back himself more into the wall (it doesn't work) and get away from Tamaki's bony elbow. "I'll get it, just stop killing me!"
He breathes a sigh of relief when Tamaki's elbow retracts from its painful position. Without really thinking, he starts to feel for the blond's pocket.
"Er, Hikaru?"
"Yeah, yeah." He rolls his eyes, not that Tamaki can see, of course, but it's the thought that counts. "I know. And you can go around telling all the damn girls that I groped you in a closet now. I'm sure they'll react even worse than today."
"Hikaru, that's not-"
"I know. Shut up."
After a few minutes of unintentional groping and muffled squeaks from Tamaki, Hikaru finally extracts the silver phone from the elusive pocket.
"Aha," he says triumphantly. He flips it open, glad to shed some light on the situation. Wow. He screws his eyes up and presses his mouth into a thin line in an attempt to control the hysterical laughter that threatens to explode. Tamaki really is at a strange angle.
To distract himself from laughing like a hyena and drawing the fangirls to them like moths to flame, he struggles to send a text to his brother. Who's probably laughing like a hyena in the club room at this very moment. Bastard.
It's more difficult than Hikaru anticipated, what with Tamaki's hair tickling his nose and blocking his view of the screen, and the fact that only one of his thumbs is able to press buttons, but he manages it. He's not entirely positive he sent anything legible, but he knows for a fact closet and save me were in there somewhere.
There's silence for a moment, then Tamaki gives a quiet snort of laughter. "This is kind of ironic."
"Stop listening to Kyouya-senpai talk. Do you even know what ironic means?" But Hikaru knows just what Tamaki's trying to say, and he agrees - it's very ironic. "I assume you're referring to the fact that Kaoru, Haruhi and Kyouya-senpai have to come rescue us from a closet?"
"Yeah, pretty much." Tamaki chuckles.
Hikaru jabs his hip with the cell phone. "Stop laughing. I want to laugh at the angle your head happens to be at, but I have to control myself. Therefore, so do you, otherwise they will find us."
"But if the ladies can't find us," Tamaki mutters, all humor suddenly gone from his voice. "How are Kyouya and the others supposed to?"
"Simple," Hikaru shrugs. "Kyouya-senpai's a demon overlord that knows everything, and Kaoru has a built-in Hikaru radar. What worries me is that they might just leave us here to die."
"They wouldn't do that," Tamaki defends weakly, even though they both know that their best friends would indeed do that, and with no second thoughts about it. "Haruhi wouldn't let them."
Hikaru thinks this is a good point, but there's footsteps outside again, and they don't sound like his twin's, so he doesn't say anything.
There's no sound at all, except for their breathing, which seems much heavier than usual, and their heartbeats, which are pounding unnaturally fast due to fear of fangirls. Hikaru's still pissed and hot and sweating and uncomfortable and squashed, but a mischievous thought crawls into his brain - he has the upper hand here. He can make Tamaki just as uncomfortable, just as squashed. More so than he already is, anyway, with his neck at that angle.
Hikaru contemplates all the ways he could be in control of the situation, but all of them end with Tamaki squawking loudly in protest and the 'ladies' ripping the closet door off its hinges. So, really, he huffs to himself, it's Renge with the upper hand. Or maybe it's Kaoru.
As though there's some kind of mental link between them - and there is - the tiny phone vibrates with Kaoru's reply.
"I can't read it at this angle," Hikaru breathes in Tamaki's ear, conscious of the footsteps beyond the door. With great difficulty, he raises the phone and angles his arm awkwardly so Tamaki can see the screen.
"Dear brother of mine, you got yourself into this," Tamaki says, his voice barely a whisper. Hikaru strains his ears to catch every word. "But I guess I'll save you. Which closet? There are over 9000 in this school."
Damn him.
Hikaru scowls and starts pushing buttons, hoping he's composing a strongly worded and irate text that will send Kaoru searching for them frantically, begging for mercy.
"...Hikaru, you just called him a stupid cabbage."
"...I was trying to type 'asshole', but cabbage'll work, too."
He presses what he believes to be the send button, and after a few seconds, the screen goes dark again. The minutes tick by, and Hikaru finds himself fighting a yawn.
Then, he really does yawn, loudly and unexpectedly.
Which, as it turns out, is a bad idea. Not only does he inhale some of Tamaki's hair, but he startles the older boy, causing him to jump.
In such an enclosed space? Not really a good thing.
Hikaru can't help but curse loudly when his foot gets crushed under Tamaki's.
He regrets it immediately when the door swings open, letting light flood in.
There's absolute silence, but he can't see past Tamaki's big head. He figured the girls would have already eaten them alive or something.
A snort of mirth. "Don't you two look cozy?"
Hikaru's anger flares, and it takes everything he has not to scream things about conniving little cabbages, because then the girls really will find them, and that would be very bad.
"Kaoru, I am going to kill you when I get out of here." Hikaru squirms a little, trying to force the blond out into the hallway to get a better shot at his brother's head.
"Aw, I love you too," Kaoru snickers, and reaches in to help extract Tamaki from the space. "What kind of closet is this, anyway? It looks like something from a commoner's house. I mean, our closet's around the size of the clubroom, so I can't really talk..."
Resisting the urge to clock his twin upside the head, Hikaru bursts from the closet, stretching his aching limbs and wincing theatrically. "I hurrrrttt. And it's all Tono's fault."
"Is not!" Tamaki protests again, snapping his neck back into place with a disgusting-sounding crick.
"You know," Kaoru says, holding out two black cloaks obviously borrowed from the Black Magic Club. Maybe this whole twin connection thing isn't such a bad thing, Hikaru considers. Then he sees the way the redhead's eyes are filling with tears from the strain of keeping back raucous laughter, and retracts his statement immediately. "Most people would find that situation a good thing."
"Most people are morons," Hikaru says bluntly, wrapping himself in the protective silk. "Just because I'm dating the guy doesn't mean I want to be locked in a hobbit's attic with him."
"I'd be hurt," Tamaki pipes up, throwing his own hood over his blond locks. "But I completely agree."
Kaoru just keeps snickering quietly. "You two are so weird."
"Noted," they chorus in a bored tone. Hikaru gives Tamaki a surprised look that the blond mirrors.
That's the final straw - Kaoru cracks the hell up.
Hikaru would hit him, but his muscles are sore beyond belief, and Kaoru just isn't worth it at the moment.
He's still kind of pissed, though. Even when Tamaki takes his hand and leads them back to the clubroom, Kaoru trailing behind, still laughing his head off.
He considers actually killing his twin. But then he'd incur the wrath of the Shadow King.
And, really, it's just not worth it.
xx
Fin.
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notes; If you liked it, drop a line. If you didn't, I don't really need to hear it unless you tell me why.