Note:

I'm cheating the canon just a bit here people, Lucius is still at Hogwarts in this story even though judging by the age differences he would be out of it. However, I wanted to access the relationship between those two so I decided to cheat the timeline.

Lily.

God, I am so sorry for saying those things, please get her to take me back. This is literally killing me inside.

Great, now I sound like a whiny brat on top of an emotional mess. I might as well considering I just pushed the greatest thing in my life right to the other side of the room and out of my life forever. Why did I have to say those things to her? I never meant a single word out there, she should know that. I was just trying to appeal to them.

Lucius Malfoy…all that time I have been trying to get his approval, with every attempt comes a glance, a uttered word, and maybe even a smile directed my way that makes me come back for more, I'm like the world's worst type of drug addicted. I'm addicted to attention like some whore.

He gave it to me when I needed it, when I was beginning to doubt myself he'd turn his blonde head to me and give me a slight nod or say that I had a good idea just so I'd be reeled back in. And I fell for each and every time in a fashion similar to a laboratory rat subjected to tests.

I always had her trust, her approval, that's why I never second guessed my actions leading up to the word. I never had his, that's why I kept on pushing it, trying to make myself seem cool in the group of my superiors.

Sure, when I came back to the Slytherin dorm room everyone in my clique was patting me on the back, saying that what I did was great and was approving what I had said with open arms. It felt great to finally have the 'good job!' directed at me, but something was panging against my heart.

It was her, it's always been. It always will be. Always.

Since that summer, that one kiss; I guess I had the feeling that no matter what I did she'd be like a puppy, following me around and coming back no matter what I say or do. She's not a subjective animal, I can't control her and if I ever thought I did then I'm a fool, no more and no less.

I even begged for her approval back, that was all that I wanted. The feel of her hand on top of mine, or the caring emotion that her eyes used to carry as they gazed into mine was all gone, now replaced with the utter distain for me and everything I represent. That was the most crushing part, not the words she said, but the honesty and truth behind each and every one of them.

"Hey, Snape, how's basking in your own glory going?" Lucius says, sitting beside me by the fireplace, the sounds of the flames cracking and the scent of wood burning filling the room with a relaxing aura.

Opening my eyes I look at him, Lucius has always looked put together, even though it's the dead of night his long blonde hair is still brushed down and his robes lack any wrinkles, I guess it's because he comes from money that he's used to that type of upkeep. "Yeah, of course I am." I lie to him, trying to pull off a half smile to make him believe that I'm actually happy about losing my one true love because of one simple word that I just had to say to her.

He gives me a chuckle. "Well I would assume so, you really told that little mudblood off. She deserved it too; I hate the way she walks around, thinking that she's better than that Pureblood Potter." I'm not sure what part I balled my fist too, the word or the surname of my enemy. "Despite the fact he is a total asshole he is still Pureblood, which has to mean something." He says.

Potter, that arrogant man who has gotten everything I ever desired. The only thing I had that he hadn't was her friendship, now he has almost everything I could ever want. The only good thing is she still believes that he is an arrogant toe rag, but the question is how long until he finally cracks through her?

"I guess so…though he's still stalking her so you can't really say that he's that much better." I say, trying to avoid the word.

"Filthy mudblood," he laughs, swinging his blonde hair behind his ears and crossing his legs so casually, not even flinching that he said a word that is as bad as whore, bitch, or faggot, even if it's in the magical world racist slang is still racist slang. If I know that right now then why didn't I know it while I was saying those things?

I give a half hearty attempt at a laugh, now that Lily's out of my life, gone like the wind as one would put it, I have to play up my Pureblood side of the family as much as I can. I have to stick with Lucius and his friends and even though I hate the fact that he doesn't accept Muggleborns or Muggles in general I have to keep up this façade for as long as I need to just to be accepted.

"I'll see you later, alright, Severus?" He says; I turn around in shock; Lucius has never referred to me by anything but my surname since we've met. I nod soundlessly, wondering if he actually said that or if my mind is playing tricks on me. He gives his signature smirk before going upstairs to his bed.

Had I just been accepted? Lucius wasn't just some unpopular kid like me wanting to be cool, he actually has hold over the Slytherin common room and a position in the school, beside the fact he was prefect in his own fifth year he happens to be the head of the group I've been trying to squeeze into these five years at this school. So needless to say I'm shocked he actually referred to me by my first name.

Then it hits me; that was my test, what I had said to Lily was my defining moment in his eyes to see whether I could be in his group, so I could join in and have some sort of belonging in with them. Just because I've hung out with Lucius and his group of far more distinguished group of friends doesn't mean I have ever actually belonged with them like we were friends or anything. In fact most of the time I hang out with them I am just their background groupie or the one that they made fun of.

However, that one moment, it wasn't like he was talking to someone under him, it was like he was talking to someone he was actually proud of. I may not have any siblings but Lucius reminds me distinctly of an older brother figure; always there to make fun of me but still giving me an image to mold myself into.

I guess if I had to sacrifice my friendship with Lily, I might as well make due with what I have left to search through. I don't want to be the kid everyone pushes around in the hallways or the one who gets hexed by Potter and his equally moronic friend Black, I want to be the one who only has to turn to someone and glare at them to demand respect and make them quiver and shake.

I've never been that sort of teenager, I've always been the one in the background; you know that kid that was whispered about in the hallways about his greasy hair to unnaturally pale skin? Well that kid would have to be me. While Potter gets all the respect, all the power while I'm left here, trying to run from all the bullies.

This could be my one big break to kill off the old me, the quivering nerd that I have always despised, and become who I've wanted to be.

Yes, I have to do anything to become that person, to become stronger and feared, I don't care who it hurts. I've already pushed away the one person I loved; I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. It's the only way for me to get past this.

Casting a spell to put out the flames in the fire I stand up and begin making my way to my room, when the last ember goes out I feel like I'm not only killing the fire, I'm also killing anything that I have cared about over these fifteen years of life I have lived.

Lily…I'm sorry for hurting you, it is for the best if I just forget I ever cared about you. I have to keep away from you, because I'm not sure what I will have to do to make it to the top, though it's not like you'll ever want to talk to me again so it's even good for you. That's the way I have to think of this.

This wasn't the end of my life.

It was the starting of another.

A/N:

Hey you guys! I've decided to turn this into a mini-series. I might decide to write about Snape's childhood in flashbacks in later scenes, I'm not sure exactly how much I'll write of this since this will most likely be a side project but I'll try to get a chapter out every now and then.

Please review!