Epilog..part 1
couldn't resist..and I am going to have to break it into two parts.
Five years later..
He could hardly believe five years had passed since that fateful day. A day he still had nightmares about. But they had become fewer and fewer as the years went by. Losing Rodney and Ronon and being the cause of it had led him to nearly committing the single most stupid act of his life. He can remember it as if it was yesterday.
Coming back with his best friends in body bags, Teyla injured and in need of medical assistance, and himself just numb with grief! When he had realized what he had done, he had just shut down. When they had returned to Atlantis he confined himself to his quarters, lay on the bed and stared sightlessly at the ceiling. In all the confusion no-one had known he had kept his gun with him. Two days passed while he saw nobody, accept to ask Carson if Teyla was alright. He could barely live with the fact that he had killed his best friends but if he had hurt Teyla, killed her, he would have wanted someone to shoot him.
As it was he had stayed on his bed with his gun in his hand for two days. Thinking back now he can't believe he was going to take the cowardly way out. End his life so he wouldn't have to think about what he had done, even if technically it wasn't his fault. It had felt like his fault and somewhere in those two days he had convinced himself that everyone would be better off without him.
He would not let himself think of Teyla. Leaving her behind to deal with it all was so wrong for so many reasons but his grief and guilt had blinded him to that fact. His only conscious act was to take off his dog tags and leave them in her room. Carson had come to his door and yelled through it that Teyla was being released very soon. So he had got off the bed and went to her room. He doesn't even really remember walking back to his own room.
His hands start to sweat and a shiver passes over his body as he recalls the moment he picked up his gun and positioned it for a kill shot. He remembers the tears running down his face, murmuring over and over "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." He remembers thinking that everyone was right. All those that said he wouldn't amount to anything and that his life was a screw up. He remembered every person he had killed, or saw killed, every buddy he lost over the years. It had felt like a dark shadow had fallen over him and he couldn't find his way out. Then he was ready. He was going to do it. His hand had tightened on the gun and then...
TBC