Chapter 8 –

*Carlos was really sweet and last night, he made me feel like the happiest girl in the world. He offered me his heart, but I threw it back. 'I love you too, Carlos.' Why can't I say that? 'I love you too.'

We're okay. But every time we see each other, I know he's hurting. It's just in the way he moved. He smiled, but his eyes contrasted it. He hugged me, but his heart wanted to push me away.

I'm sorry, Carlos. I love you and I'm sorry.*

"Dude, why you so down?"

"I told her I loved her. She took it differently and said she loved me too."

"Well, alright! What's so bad about that?" Kendall said while giving me a pat on the back.

"She said she loved me because I was her best friend. She totally misunderstood." I replayed last night's scene in my head. Although, I shouldn't have because I was hurting 10 times worse now.

Kendall sighed and looked at me. I wasn't facing him, but I could feel his stare penetrating through my skin. Finally, he spoke, "Maybe… you should go for a walk. I mean, with her. I'm no expert, but if I wanted to tell Jo something, I'd tell her through a nice girl picnic and a walk in the park."

His idea wasn't half bad. But how was I ever going to tell her again? Last night seemed like the perfect time. It was almost like she'd set me up. She's really taken the energy out of me. I couldn't even screw around with the guys like I used too.

Kendall left for his day with Jo and I was alone. The jacket I put around Star was right next to me. It was still a little wet, but I didn't care. I stuffed my face into it to try and back off tears. I couldn't control it this time. Rivers ran down my cheeks. It'd taken my all to tell her I loved her and she misunderstood. I also knew that there was always the option that she did understand but she just wanted to stay friends. That idea hurt even more.

I went to the bathroom and splashed water on my face. I was a mess. There were bags under my eyes and I had signs of fatigue. There was nothing left to lose now, I took out my phone and texted her. I'm going to try one more time, to make things right.

I saw her for the first time today, and like always, she took my breath away. She'd brought her own picnic basket and we left straight for the park after rehearsal. I was glad the walk there wasn't awkward.

*He was so adorable. We walked to the park with a conversation full of laughter. I loved his smiles the one where he just grins… it kills me. And the one where he would just give a crooked smile… it shocked me. I thought it was funny seeing him overdressed. He was wearing a black tie, a blue shirt, and a black blazer, cleverly designed to look like a regular jacket. He offered to carry me across the street since the cars were zooming by. I just laughed at him. He was such a sweetheart.*

"You think this is a good place to stop?" I said while stopping under a tree. We were basically having dinner. Practice took most of the day and it was already dark out.

"Yeah, I think this is good." She sat down and pulled out the blanket and lay it on the grass.

She had packed sandwiches and some pudding. It got messy. Well… I got messy. Star got a napkin and wiped my face. I looked away, I didn't want to put myself at any risk for anymore pain by looking at her. There was still some pudding on my mouth but before I could wipe it Star turned my face towards her and wiped it off. I thought she was done, but she looked straight at me in a dazed look.

"Star?" I asked.

She didn't answer. Instead, she leaned forward, and I swear I felt my heart and crotch explode! The touch of her sweet lips against mine was amazing. Something that I could never imagine. She took my face in her hands and brought me closer. I kissed her back, holding her by the waist and pulling her closer. Then I realized something.

This was too much. Too many unexplained feelings were rushing through my thoughts and body. The kiss was great, but I was too confused to enjoy it any longer. I pulled away and saw that she'd startled herself too. I was breathing heavily, still trying to absorb what just happened. Looking straightforward, I was able to catch my breath and think a little more. She noticed my anxiety and quickly started to explain herself.

"I… I'm sorry…" she stuttered. *What the heck did I just do?*

"Well… that was… different." I joked to try and please myself. But obviously, it wasn't the right time. I changed my outlook on the situation to a more serious one. "Uh… okay… what was that for?"

After a few seconds of not hearing her say anything, I looked at her to make sure she'd heard me. She was looking down, as if she was ashamed of something. Then it hit me. She lied to me last night. She made me go through all that pain over something that wasn't even true. But I had to make sure. "Star? Was what you told me last night… was that a lie?"

She nodded once while still looking down. I didn't know whether too be mad or understanding. My mind seemed to be failing. I had no idea what to say next.

"Please don't take it the wrong way! I only lied to you about it because I didn't want you to feel like a rebound." She started to panic after seeing me look away in discomfort.

This was unbelievable. I turned around and snapped at her. "So you decided to hurt me instead? Why, was it because I came off as stupid to you? Did I come off as a vulnerable target? Star… it took so much out of me just to tell you I love you and you… you pretended like it was nothing. I thought I could… I thought I could trust you Star…"

She fought back her tears , but not for long. She looked down and repeatedly apologized. I wanted to forgive her… I really did. But it just wasn't in me at the moment.

I hugged her. Keeping her close, I tightened my embrace. I was still angry, but I didn't like seeing her cry. "It's getting late… I should take you home." My voice was dead. We took a cab home, I wasn't in the mood for a walk.

*I've never seen him so mad… he sat in the front seat and I was in the back. I saw his face in the side view mirror and he looked devastated. It was almost like he wasn't the same exuberant Carlos anymore. He wasn't.*

The walk to her apartment was quiet. I had nothing more to say to her. When we got to the front of her door, I gave her a quick one armed hug and walked away. All I said was, "I'll see you whenever." I didn't even look at her. She started tearing again when I ignored her "good night". It wasn't a good night.

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-BTR-TeamCarlos