Author's Note: Sorry this took awhile. I'm enjoying this story (and I hope you are too!) but the story is quickly coming to a close - two chapters left after this! I'm still looking for potential storylines I could use for my next St. Fabray story, so any help you could give me would be great!
Thank you again dear readers, followers and reviewers. Kitkat1233 and LJSkywalker, I hope you enjoy this chapter and thank you again for reviewing!
DIRTY LITTLE SECRET
Chapter Four: Home – Part Two
Quinn sat in the nurse's office having her weekly check up. By now she was quite used to all of the procedures, the checking of her pulse and vitals, everything to ensure the baby was growing up nice and healthy. She sat through it all, the words of the nurse entering one ear and exiting the other, she said the same thing each time Quinn came to visit.
On the other side of the room sat Mercedes who was getting her blood pressure checked. There was none of the usual joy and mischief in her eyes that Quinn had grown familiar with during glee practices. Instead the big girl was a shade paler than her usual chocolate brown, her regular smile curving upside down. Quinn felt a pang of pity her.
The other day in the cafeteria, Quinn had overheard that Sue had put Mercedes on a do-or-die diet, requiring her to drop ten pounds in a week. She had listened in as Santana and Brittany told Mercedes the secret of Sue Sylvester's Master Cleanse and watched helplessly as Mercedes gave up her food. Another one bites the dust. Sue was trying to ruin another young girl's self-image. But, Quinn thought to herself resolutely, not on her watch.
She approached Mercedes and offered her a granola bar. It was the only food she had on her. Mercedes shook her head. "Thanks, I'm not hungry."
"Yes you are," Quinn pushed, giving the girl an encouraging smile. "You're starving. I know, I've been there." She could see Mercedes warming up slowly in reaction to her smile and widened her knowing grin. "Did all the other kids start looking like food before you fainted?"
Mercedes looked up at her in disbelief. "Yeah, how'd you know?"
"Been there," Quinn confirmed with a nod of her head. She extended her hand out to her teammate again. "Eat the granola bar."
Warily, Mercedes accepted it. "Why are you being so nice to me?" She started to unwrap the granola bar. "I can't remember the last time you said two words to me that weren't 'you' and 'suck.'"
Quinn looked sheepish. "Because I was you. Scared. Hating myself for eating a cookie. But I got over it." Just a few days ago, she thought to herself.
"Of course you did, Miss Pretty-Blonde-with-the-white-girl-ass."
"When you start eating for somebody else, so that they can grow, be healthy, your relationship to food changes. I realized is that if I'm so willing to eat right to take care of this baby, why am I not willing to do it for myself." As soon as the words had left her lips, Quinn instantly recalled her conversation with Jesse in the diner and she felt a pang of irritation that he had been right about her again.
Before she could give it another thought, Quinn saw a tear trickle down Mercedes' face. She took her hand into hers. "You are so lucky. You've always been at home in your body. Don't let Ms. Sylvester take that away from you." Not like me, she mentally added.
"I'm so embarrassed. This isn't me. How did I become this person?"
Quinn thought of sharing with her all of her experiences with food, weight loss and the Cheerios, but she realized that she didn't want to make this about her. She gave Mercedes an encouraging smile and she focused on her. "You are beautiful. You know that. I'm going to stay with you until your mom comes, okay?"
They talked for a bit and soon they were giggling. Quinn waited until Mrs. Jones arrived to pick her daughter up. After she had left, Quinn had felt a little better about her day.
Quinn picked up her discarded school books and exited the nurse's office. She turned around the corner and instantly her day grew sour. On the other end of the hallway were Rachel and Jesse standing by the door of the diva's next class. She watched in disgust as Rachel pouted her lips a little, earning her a kiss from the maybe-secret bad boy. She rolled her eyes, gripped her books a little tighter and walked a little faster down the hall. Unfortunately, Jesse caught sight of her just as she turned the corner.
Like clockwork, Quinn counted only five minutes before Jesse had plopped down in her table in the library – three minutes for Rachel to go inside her class and another two for Jesse to look for Quinn in the spot where she had chosen to hide in the library. Quinn always sought out a secluded spot in the library each time she went there. She wasn't sure if she did this in order to hide from Jesse or if she was trying to hide from everyone that she and Jesse actually talked. Quinn wasn't sure.
It was just her luck that she shared a free period with the senior on this particular day of the week. Did he know her schedule? He just always seemed to be around and always seemed to find wherever she decided to hide in the library.
Quinn never spoke to anyone about the time she spent with Jesse, and as Rachel seemed content to ignore Quinn rather than attack her, Quinn figured that Jesse never saw the need to inform his girlfriend either. It was like a dirty little secret and Quinn had yet to decide how she felt about it.
"So, what have you eaten today," he opened casually.
Quinn gave him a death glare and propped her head on her left arm, doing her best to ignore him. She flipped through her school book, making a poor attempt to start her homework.
"Don't tell me you're still mad at me for making you eat, are you?"
She looked at him long and hard before finally shaking her head. "You were right," Quinn admitted. Eating has been good for me. It's been good for the baby. The baby is happy, and so was the nurse during my check up earlier. Everyone is happy but me. I don't appreciate you checking up on what I eat on a daily basis."
Jesse laughed quietly to himself and chucked Quinn on her chin. "I'm not happy. You think it's easy for me to chase you down every day to make sure you're eating properly? I'm really doing this to make sure you're healthy. Just yesterday you had an apple and half a sandwich for lunch. That's not enough. So tell me, what did you eat today?"
Quinn threw him a look. "I had chicken and vegetables. So very healthy and filling."
Jesse frowned. "No granola bar for dessert?"
Quinn hesitated. "Nope."
"I gave it to you this morning to eat. I made sure it wasn't one of those nutty kinds, this one had loads of sugar in it. That granola bar was meant for eating, Quinn. Not tossing it into your bag and ignoring it." Jesse crossing his arms in front of his chest and looked at her sternly. "Now eat it."
"I can't."
"What do you mean you can't? No one is going to notice you eating in the library. And even if they do, all you have to tell them is that you need to eat regularly because you're pregnant."
"I gave the granola bar to Mercedes earlier in the nurse's office."
Jesse rolled his eyes. "Now you're just making excuses. Mercedes didn't need that extra weight, you do."
Quinn crossed her arms in front of her chest as well, immediately getting defensive. "Mercedes does need the extra energy. She's stopped eating the past few days. Haven't you noticed how pale she was at practice the other day? Coach Sylvester ordered her to drop ten pounds within the week and so Mercedes is convinced that she needs to be thinner in order to be happy with her body. So I gave her the granola bar."
Jesse was quiet for a long time. "Was it like looking into a mirror?"
"More like watching a horror film where you know the hero will get gutted in the end." Quinn paused. "When you're a Cheerio and on top of the world, you forget about important things like health in favor of things like vanity and what the other girls say you should be. You ignore hunger pangs, believing it to be a weakness. Watching Mercedes starve herself was like seeing myself one year ago. When I gave her that granola bar, I felt like I wanted to give it to myself all those years ago. Maybe I wouldn't be where I am today if I had only felt more comfortable about my weight back then," she said, thinking back to her fat day when Puck had come over with wine coolers.
Jesse pursed his lips in amusement. "That would be an interesting sight to see, a chubby Quinn Fabray in her Cheerio uniform terrorizing McKinley High."
Quinn shot him a death glare. "I would not be chubby. I'd just be… curvier."
Jesse's smirk widened as his eyes glittered. "You're too vain about your appearance, Quinn. You should take some pointers from Rachel. She's always been comfortable with what she has, and her being a vegetarian had nothing to do with watching her weight, rather the nutritious value of what she takes in. Even when you cheerleaders and jocks were tearing her down with your insults and slushies, she knew to turn a deaf ear on them and concentrate on her goal of becoming a star."
"Don't compare me with her. We are nothing alike."
Without realizing it, Quinn had developed a strong loathing for the glee club's female star. When she had first joined glee and even prior to that, Quinn had always picked on Rachel simply because she was annoying. When Rachel had told Finn Quinn's secret, causing the breakup, Quinn hadn't even gotten upset with her. In fact she appreciated her even for doing what Quinn had struggled to do herself. After that, Quinn simply ignored Rachel, making snide comments only when Rachel was being over dramatic – like when she was having concerns with sleeping with whom Quinn later realized was Jesse.
Quinn felt a sense of fellowship with Rachel that was limited to their glee club relationship. Which was why she had come to her defense when Jesse had first stepped into the picture and had appeared to threaten the club's balance of power. But as the days passed and as Quinn found herself thinking about it more and more, she felt irate with Rachel for easily having what Quinn used to and could no longer have. Quinn refused to even consider the possibility that these feelings were triggered by the time she was spending with Rachel's boyfriend.
He chuckled. "As you wish." He reached into his bag and tossed her another granola bar. "Here, get 'curvier.'" When Quinn reluctantly took the granola bar from Jesse, he added, "Giving the granola bar to Mercedes today was understandable, but let me remind you, your baby will be ugly if you keep giving up your food."
"Stop saying that!" Quinn was visibly upset.
"What? That your baby will be ugly if you starve yourself? Aren't you giving your baby up?"
Quinn glared at him. "I don't want my baby to be born ugly. What if the parents adopting my baby decide they don't want to take her? What if my baby's ugliness rubs off me and I'll never look good again?"
Jesse gave Quinn a condescending look. "You're just too insecure aren't you? Has your pregnancy completely taken away your sense of self-esteem? You're still beautiful, Quinn, and if you take care of yourself, your baby will look just as great as you do."
"Now you're just saying that to make me feel better."
Jesse rolled his eyes. "Come here." He moved over to one of the library's computers next to their table. Curiously, Quinn placed her school books in her bag and sat down in the chair next to Jesse in front of the computer. He opened up a word document. 'Glist' he typed out at the top of the page. "Now, give me around eight names of the most sexually attractive people in the glee club."
"Are you serious?"
"Dead serious, now come on."
"Brittney, Santana and myself. And Finn, Matt, Mike and Puck."
"I asked you to be serious about this, you're just naming Cheerios and jocks."
"And a former Cheerio, don't forget that. I was being serious. New Directions started out with six members. They actively recruited from the popular kids in hopes of the glee club improving its status among the rest of the school."
"I'm guessing it didn't work?"
"Not when the coolest of the cool kids got knocked up."
"Fine. That's seven names. Aren't you even going to include me?"
"You're not a jock."
"But I'm good looking."
"I don't know why I'm so surprised at how high your self-esteem is. Fine, we'll add you to the list if you want to be part of it so badly."
"Let's not forget Rachel," Jesse said, already typing her name on the list without waiting for Quinn's confirmation.
"Let us forget, Rachel. Your girlfriend has man hands, Jesse. I though this list was supposed to contain the most sexually attractive people in the glee club – good singing doesn't necessarily equate to sexual attraction."
"It's my list so I'm still putting her on the list." Jesse quickly reviewed the list. "Okay, so now we have nine names. Now I'll arrange them in order of hotness, descending order."
"Rachel goes last on the list."
"I told you, this is my list. Let's start from the top instead. Can I assume your baby's daddy goes at the top of the list? He must be pretty good if you were the queen of the celibacy club and had a boyfriend at that time."
"I was drunk and had a bad day," Quinn hissed. "But go ahead, Puck has had a ton of conquests before and after me. He's earned every inch of his reputation."
"Really? Who did he sleep with even after he knocked you up?"
"Santana," Quinn responded bitterly. "I found out they were sexting when Puck and I were together, so I wouldn't put it past him to sleep with her when I told him I wasn't going to."
"Interesting," Jesse mused. "So Santana is like the female version of Puck?"
"You could say that. While Puck had seduced the queen of the celibacy club, Santana had followed in his footsteps by seducing the king."
"The king being…?"
"Finn, of course. He was my king, anyway. We made such a perfect couple."
"Which you ruined. Well this is interesting. I don't recall hearing from Rachel that Finn had slept with Santana and you know how that girl can talk. Perhaps the news didn't reach her. I'm sure she would have said something had she known."
Quinn shrugged her shoulders. "Maybe Finn didn't tell Rachel. This happened after Finn had broken up with Rachel for a chance with Santana and Brittany together and Rachel didn't want him back after that."
"Santana and Brittany both?"
"They're a package deal in many cases, I've heard."
Jesse's lips curved in his usual smirk. "What an fascinating web you've got here in the glee club. Okay, so we've got Puck followed by Santana and then Brittany. Let's throw in Finn for sleeping with the head Cheerio after you had slept with his best friend. Who is next?"
"Mike and then Matt."
"Any reason for putting them there and in that order?"
Quinn shrugged again. "Mike has a lot of good dance moves, dancing can be another form of sexual attraction. And Matt definitely goes before Rachel."
"I told you this was my list. If we follow your dancing theory, I'm putting Rachel right after Finn but right before Mike and then Matt. Rachel and I share a ballet class and she's just as good a dancer as she is a singer."
"Why would you put Rachel there and not higher? Given that she is your girlfriend, of course."
A brittle smile appeared on Jesse's face and this time it was his turn to shrug. "Let's just say Rachel hasn't reached her full sexual appeal. But I'm working on that."
Quinn was silent as she pondered his words. Was Jesse saying that Rachel hadn't slept with him yet? Quinn hadn't even thought of that possibility as they were very open about their public displays of affection, so what more could they do in private that they weren't doing in public? This was a new revelation to Quinn and she wasn't sure what she thought about it.
"Okay, so now that we've arranged the rest of the list, where would you put yourself on this list, Quinn?"
Without hesitation, Quinn responded, "At the bottom of the list."
"I don't know why I'm so surprised at how low your self-esteem is," he said, mimicking her earlier statement. "But I digress, this is why we're putting this list together in the first place, for you to reevaluate where you stand in comparison to your peers. While you think you belong at the bottom of this list, I'd say we put you at the top, right above Puck. This is my list, after all."
Quinn rolled her eyes. "You're just saying that. Are you trying to get into my pants, St. James?"
Jesse laughed. "Not in your current condition."
"Do you have a problem with 'fat chicks' too," Quinn asked in a dangerously low voice.
"Hardly," he scoffed. "If you would recall, I told you I hated sleeping with sticks and preferred my partners to have something plump that I can grab at. The only reason I'm not trying to get into your pants, or rather up your skirt," he said, in reference to the dresses that Quinn always wore, "is because you're so dangerously close to your due date. I'd rather not risk an early delivery."
Quinn pursed her lips in her own smirk as she accepted his response. She shivered as Jesse drew closer to her ear and whispered, "But I promise you. If you hadn't been knocked up when I joined New Directions, I guarantee I would have tried my hardest to get into your skirt. Maybe I would have even given you a baby you'd want to keep." Jesse smirked as he drew back into his seat and Quinn could feel her face getting hot.
Suddenly, Quinn was more aware of how closely she was sitting beside Jesse and she wondered if she could hear if his heart was beating as fast as hers. She could definitely smell his cologne from where she sat. It was the same cologne he had worn the Sunday they had attended mass together. He smelled nice and Quinn realized she was getting turned on by Jesse.
Realizing how dangerous it was to get involved with Jesse St. James, Quinn shook herself out of her thoughts and tried to deflect the current train of thought their conversation had taken. "And where would you put yourself on this list?"
"On the top of course, do you have any objections to that?"
Quinn laughed at Jesse's ego. "Of course not, if I believe everything I hear about your sexual prowess, you definitely belong above Puck on the Glist."
His smirk turning into a genuine smile, Jesse leaned forward in his chair. "You can still be the most desirable girl in school, Quinn. It's just a matter of reminding yourself and reminding the entire school about where you belong. Have some confidence in yourself and your good genes. Go back to projecting that image where you are the most desirable girl ever to walk McKinley High."
Quinn looked thoughtful, but didn't say anything.
Jesse chuckled and looked at his watch. "I need to go and meet Mr. Schue for some song issues. You'd think our musical coach would be able to decide what songs work best with our current vocal range arrangement. But then again, I am Jesse St. James and it's almost impossible to be better than me. I'll see you later at glee practice?"
Quinn nodded and watched him leave the library. She then returned her gaze thoughtfully Jesse's Glist which he had left on the computer. She had to admit, it looked pretty nice onscreen, being on top again. She decided to print the list to help remind her that she could be on top again if she worked hard enough at it.
But before Quinn pressed the Print button, she looked at the list again. She frowned when she saw Rachel's name. Despite what Jesse said, this would be Quinn's list, she was the one keeping it to remind herself of her worth after all. She removed the diva from her spot between Finn and Mike and returned Rachel's name to the bottom of the list where Quinn had originally wanted her at. Animals on sweaters so did not equal sexual attractiveness in any book.
She looked back at the list and realized she still wasn't at the top. Jesse was. Quinn realized that she didn't want anyone to discover her with this list and see Jesse at the top of the list – they might come to the conclusion that Quinn was involved with Jesse, or worse, was pining after Rachel's boyfriend from afar after she had already taken Finn from her. Despite Jesse's alleged sexual reputation, which Quinn had a feeling only she and Rachel were aware of as they seemed to be the only ones at McKinley that talked to him, Quinn thought it was safer to put him below Brittany but above Finn.
Quinn looked back at the list in satisfaction and finally pressed the Print button. She rushed over to the printer before anyone could see her silly list and stuffed it into her binder. She would post it somewhere in her room where she was sure Puck wouldn't find it - maybe inside a school book.
The rest of Quinn's day was relatively uneventful. April Rhodes had come over again to gift to the glee club with the auditorium. New Directions performed Home from The Wiz with April and Quinn thought she cleaned up nicely.
As practice was breaking up for the day, Quinn picked up her school bags from the chair where she had left it. When she looked up, she saw Rachel with her arms all over Jesse and Quinn felt a twinge of jealousy. Quinn was surprised at the momentary feeling and chalked it up to spending too much time with Jesse and her natural dislike for Rachel. That and maybe Jesse was just getting under Quinn's skin. Maybe she should try harder to avoid him.
Quinn turned away abruptly from the couple and saw Finn watching Rachel and Jesse as well from where he stood near the emergency exit. She saw the emotion thick behind Finn's eyes, it was similar to the fury that had burned when Finn was beating Puck up after he had discovered that Puck and Quinn had lied about her baby's parentage. She tried to tear her gaze away from Finn before he realized she was watching him, but she was invisible to him. All Finn could see was Rachel and Jesse.
Quinn quickly realized that Finn still wasn't over Rachel, despite what he had told the two the week before. This fueled Quinn's negative feelings for the brunette. She hated how Finn was still hung up over Rachel, just as she disliked her for being with Jesse who was slowly starting to help Quinn feel better about herself. Maybe she was being selfish, but Quinn felt Rachel was getting everything when Quinn still didn't have anything.
She needs to be brought down a peg or two and reminded of her place, Quinn thought to herself snidely. She turned on her heel and left glee practice as quickly as she could. She returned to her locker to get a few books that she needed in order to do her homework that night, all the while fuming to herself about Rachel Berry's perfect life.
Quinn had just slammed her locker shut when she looked up and realized that Rachel's locker was only a few lockers down from hers. Quinn opened her binder and found the print out she had made earlier of the Glist. She reread it and found satisfaction in seeing her name on top of the list and Rachel's at the bottom. Without a second thought, Quinn grabbed a piece of tape from a poster that hung nearby and posted the Glist on Rachel's locker.
Quinn hesitated for a moment after she posted it. The Glist was supposed to be her personal list which was meant to remind Quinn about everything that she had and could still have. When she closed her eyes, Quinn kept thinking about Rachel and Jesse and Finn in the auditorium and her fury returned. She walked away from Rachel's locker. If she was lucky, Rachel would see it before she went home, take it down and stare at it all evening, ruining her day as well.
Feeling vindicated, Quinn smiled to herself evilly and started to feel almost normal again. She found herself skipping a little as she made her way to the parking lot to meet Puck.