DIRTY LITTLE SECRET
Chapter Five: Bad Reputation
Quinn leaned back as far as she could in her seat and tried to look as calm as possible. She was at glee practice, and this was the first practice since Mr. Schue had confronted the team about the Glist. As far as Quinn could tell, he had no clue on who had put together the list and posted it, but from what she heard, he would be interviewing each one of them during the week in order to find out.
She had no idea how Mr. Schue had gotten a copy of the Glist and why Principal Figgins was demanding action on it. Perhaps Rachel hadn't passed by her locker after practice and someone else had taken the Glist. Quinn regretted posting the stupid list and wished she could undo her action just as she was physically willing her knee to not bounce nervously. She couldn't get caught, she just couldn't.
"Hey, Quinn," Puck whispered into her ear softly.
"What is it?" Quinn asked irritably, still worrying about the Glist.
"I have some geometry homework I really need to ace this week and I remembered you were at the top of our class. Think you could help me later when we get home?"
Quinn looked at him, her expression a mixture of surprise and annoyance. "What? Okay, I'll help you, but no funny business. I know how coax all of your girls into studying with you and end up doing much more after. I've had enough of that, thank you very much."
Puck grunted in response and turned away as it was obvious that Quinn wasn't interested in talking to him.
Barely registering Puck's request, Quinn's mind was still on the Glist and how much damage it had caused. It hadn't made quite the impact Quinn had expected it to. She was flattered that no one had questioned her placing on the list, however everyone else was preoccupied with increasing their status or visibility in the group. Artie and a few others had tried to make a scene in the library earlier that day and Kurt had confessed to Coach Sylvester about taking her personal video. It seemed the only one who didn't seem so affected by the list was of course it's original author, Jesse.
Quinn's eyes fell on Jesse's curly locks as he sat in the row in front of her. Jesse had been ignoring her since the Glist came out. Not that Quinn and Jesse had several opportunities a day to see each other, but Quinn definitely felt the lack of his presence when he would no longer appear out of the blue whenever she was alone. She knew he was upset with her for publishing the list and she wondered if he too was concerned about getting caught and then expelled. The confident look on his face told the world he had no cares, but Quinn knew enough about Jesse that he always wore that look and that he could be very deceiving.
Mr. Schue came into the room and called practice to begin. After a few more warnings about the Glist, he called Rachel up to present her "bad reputation" video. Quinn stifled a giggle when the diva came on screen, she was even more overdramatic if possible. However, the moment Puck appeared in the video, Quinn's eyes narrowed as she turned to her sort-of boyfriend. In a whisper, he asked her if she agreed that his muscles looked even better on screen and Quinn whacked him on the arm.
Quinn found the video disgusting and completely overdone, but her disgust soon turned to confusion when she saw Jesse appear on screen. Well, of course he should be in the video, she thought to herself. Jesse was Rachel's boyfriend. He should be part of the video, not Puck. Quinn felt her mouth drop when Jesse suddenly turned into Finn. Were all three of them seriously in this one video all playing the same character of Joey?
Quinn quickly looked around the room and saw that the three boys were not happy and she realized that none of them had realized they were sharing the lead role in the video. She looked over at Rachel who was so into watching the video that she hadn't even realized that the boys weren't sharing her excitement and that Jesse had even pulled away from her. Quinn laughed to herself at the absurdity of it all – her first genuine laugh since she had put up the Glist.
Finally, the video finished and Rachel had leapt up, proud of her work. As Quinn had predicted, the boys had torn her to shreds over what she had done, and she couldn't help but feel delighted as she saw Jesse furiously turn to Rachel to give her a piece of his mind before he followed Finn out of the room.
Watching Finn and Jesse walk out on Rachel and the club had made Quinn feel a mild sense of satisfaction. She recalled how jealous she had felt at last week's practice at all the attention Rachel was getting from the boys. This hadn't been what Quinn had expected as a result of posting the Glist, but it had served its purpose. Rachel had felt badly about her spot on a list whose author she didn't know and had taken action – a rather foolish action – as a result. Quinn had gotten what she wanted, she had made Rachel feel bad, but Finn, Jesse and Puck had all been casualties.
Given the awkward situation, Mr. Schue let practice out early. Everyone started to pile out, but Quinn remained in her seat, still deep in thought. Puck waited for everyone else to leave the room before taking the seat in front of her. "Quinn," he called her, breaking her out of her thoughts. Quinn stopped thinking about the Glist for a moment and focused on Puck. He looked guilty and Quinn remembered that last week he had brought her home and then drove off to hang out with the boys. He must have gone over to Rachel's to work on the video then. Her eyes narrowed as she became irritated at Puck all over again. It was bad enough being the invisible girl at school, did he have to make it worse by hooking up with every other girl, even the losers?
He sighed loudly before he began to speak. "Quinn. That video—it was nothing. I just wanted you to know that nothing happened while we were filming it. I knew it would look bad, I didn't realize until earlier just how bad it really was."
Quinn stared at him for a long time, and she enjoyed seeing Puck shift uncomfortably in his chair while he waited for her to speak. "So why did you do it?"
Puck scratched his mohawk. "I don't know. Maybe to make you jealous? You're always in your own world, Quinn. You and I go to the same school, we go home to my house at the end of the day, but you always keep to yourself. You never seem to need my help, or want to talk to me and I guess I thought this would catch your attention."
Quinn sucked in a breath as she listened to Puck's words. What was he saying? Did he care about her? In his crazy, Puck-like way? Quinn thought back and realized he was right, and she hadn't even realized it. They barely spoke whenever they were together, and often, when he did say something to her, Quinn would snap at him, finding offense at things that hadn't meant to be offensive. She had been increasingly upset lately and how Puck couldn't get her, but maybe she hadn't even been trying to make him listen and understand in the first place.
"I'm sorry," she said quietly. "You're right. I was jealous. Here, I am pregnant and I'm not even convinced that my baby's daddy thinks I'm the one. You chase after anything in a skirt, Puck, and you do it right in front of me. I look even more foolish than I already am and I hate it."
"No, I'm sorry," Puck said, taking her hands into his. "All of those girls, they don't mean anything to me. They're just there for me to pass the time with, to help make me forget that even though you're carrying my baby, I will never be your first choice. It sucks too." Quinn looked up at him and gave him a small smile. He squeezed her hands. "I promise I'll stop."
It felt nice to have his hands around her hands, Quinn thinks. Perhaps she had been living in her own shell lately and had closed herself off from human connection. For a moment, Quinn wondered what it would be like to trust herself with Puck again, to just give in and let him take care of her. Would they be good together?
Quinn looks up into Puck's eyes and sees that he's looking down tenderly at her growing belly. She instantly warms up, it's been awhile since anyone had paid any attention to her stomach and been anything but negative. "She's kicking lightly, do you want to feel?"
His eyes lit up and nodded slowly. Quinn took his hand into hers and placed it on her tummy. She smiled as he smiled when he felt the baby kick. Quinn knew she couldn't trust Puck with her heart, but maybe she could trust him with their baby's. He seemed to have a soft spot for her baby. Quinn found herself wishing that his feelings for their baby would translate into his feelings for her and that he would indeed give up being a player for her.
"That was amazing," he whispers. Quinn's smile widened a little.
Without letting go of her hands, Puck stood up and pulled her up as well. He let go of her left hand so that she could pick up her bag and then led her out of the choir room. "So are you ready to go home with me?"
They turned towards the parking lot on their right, but Quinn jumped when she heard a locker bang. She turned to her left and saw that it was Jesse. He still looked furious. He continued down the hall in the opposite direction and instantly all of Quinn's warm and fuzzy feelings disappeared and her guilt returned. "Could you give me thirty minutes? There are some things I need to do before I leave."
"Want me to come with you?"
She shook her head. "No, I'll be fine. I'll meet you at the parking lot entrance in thirty minutes."
Puck stared into her eyes for awhile, as if trying to determine what she was up to. Then, he gave her hand one final squeeze, before he murmured his agreement and let go. Quinn watched him walk down the hallway until he disappeared from her sight before she turned and followed the direction Jesse had taken.
What was she doing, leaving something promising with Puck in order to go off and check how Jesse was doing? What her guilt eating at her and she wanted to make amends for her actions? Was she going to run after Finn next to make sure he was alright?
It hit Quinn then. Of course she wasn't going to run after Finn next. Quinn hadn't even expected to mend things with Puck earlier. No, the moment she had seen the video she had instantly looked to Jesse to see what his reaction was and wondered how he was doing. Why? Perhaps she enjoyed his friendship more than she realized. Setting aside the snarky comments and lightly veiled sexual tension between the two of them was a tentative friendship. Jesse had helped her out in more ways than one and now it was her turn to return the favor.
Quinn was racking her brains thinking of the places where Jesse might be headed when she ran straight into him. She looked up at him and was immediately drawn by his eyes. His eyes, which normally turned mischievous the moment they met hers, remained as stormy.
"Jesse," she had asked breathlessly, "are you okay?"
"No, Quinn. I am not okay. I am absolutely livid. I can't believe she humiliated me like that in front of the whole glee club. Who does Rachel think she is? Am I not enough for her that she feels she needs two other boys to look good? What does she even see in those dimwitted jocks?" Jesse continued to rant while Quinn led him into a nearby empty classroom so that they had privacy to talk.
Quinn listened quietly to Jesse fume. She realized that this was the first time Jesse had ever really opened up to her about how he was feeling. Almost all of their conversations revolved around her and her brokenness. Now it was her turn to be there for him. If not for the tentative friendship, just because it was all her fault anyway. Quinn knew it was only a matter of time before he finally turned to her, glaring. "This is all your fault. In your spite, did you really need to put her last on the list?"
Although guilty, Quinn responded defensively, "I stand by that ranking. Obviously, you're too distracted by your hormones and musically inclined ear to perceive how annoying your girlfriend is. Had there been a second list, her bad reputation video would have cost her more points on the list, it was just awful."
"It was awful, but that's beside the point." Jesse rolled his eyes. "What on earth made you decide to print that list and post it? Were you hoping it would come true and suddenly make you popular and interesting to people again?"
"It was true! We made this list together, remember?"
"It was, until you started making changes after I had left. I believe Rachel was at least at number seven and I distinctly remember that we agreed that I was number one on this list. I can't believe you moved me to number five," Jesse grumbled.
This time it was Quinn's turn to roll her eyes. "That would have been too obvious. Rachel and I are the only ones in this school who know about your sexual depravity. And while I can't be sure who in this school would know I know, we've been talking too much at school which would make anyone suspicious."
"Point is, Quinn, you shouldn't have printed the list. That was our list. It wasn't meant for the consumption of others. You can see now how they're all reacting to it. Whether or not the content was accurate, lists like that get to people, make them act differently."
"How was I to know your girlfriend would go crazy? I would have thought she would have exposed all of the dirty secrets about your torrid love affair and sex life, but instead she chose to create some drama with you, Finn and Puck. You did know she had a thing with Puck awhile back, right?"
Jesse's eyes darkened again. "I can't believe she did that to me. This is absolutely degrading. I'm joining my friends from Carmel high on spring break next week, and I have no idea what I'm going to say when they ask me about her. That my girlfriend doesn't think I'm good enough to give her a bad reputation? That she has to feature me with two guys she dated? She didn't even realize I'd be upset! How could she do this to me? I'm Jesse St. James, I'm the best there is!"
As Quinn listened to Jesse complain about Rachel, her concerned expression turned into puzzlement. Jesse's reaction to Rachel's video wasn't quite what she had been expecting. He was more angry than he was depressed. "Jesse," Quinn interrupted. "Can I ask you something?"
He paused. "What?"
"You seem quite upset and furious about the video, with good reason," Quinn added hastily, when she saw Jesse open his mouth and begin to retort. "You're not heartbroken about your girlfriend being with two other guys, rather, your ego is hurt. I was just thinking that if you love her as much as you say you do, you should be agonizing over her decision to throw in Finn and Puck in her video, and crying because she broke your heart."
"Crying? Quinn, I'm not some baby girl."
"Well, you're a performer, I figure you make everything more dramatic than it needs to be. Jesse, it seems to me like Rachel wasn't someone you love who hurt you, instead she was just some random person in your life who insulted you and your pride."
Jesse tensed at Quinn's words, as if something she said had clicked in his brain. He didn't say anything for a while, but Quinn could see his fist clench and unclench. "Well, what about you? You were clapping after that video and seemed to be pretty amused. Why weren't you heartbroken about Puck being in the video?" he asked, avoiding a response to what she had brought up.
Quinn looked away. "I never said I loved Puck. You don't have to be in love with someone in order to sleep with them." Jesse grunted in agreement. "I was hurt that he was in Rachel's video. My heart wasn't broken, but my pride was definitely damaged. Which is why I was surprised to see the same reaction from you."
Jesse glared at Quinn. "I love Rachel. Loved. I don't know. Maybe it's possible I love myself more," he shrugged.
"I don't think I'm surprised to hear that."
The corner of Jesse's mouth quirked up a little. "Thanks for coming after me, Quinn."
Quinn shrugged. "It was my fault." She looked down at her hands and recalled the events leading up to this – from the making of the list, her jealousy over Rachel leading to the list's posting, Mr. Schue's threats and then Rachel's video.
Jesse walked over to Quinn and sat down beside her. "Not just yours, it was our fault."
Quinn bit her lip. "Mr. Schue is going to kill me when he finds out. Obviously he's going to know it was me as my name was at the top of the Glist! I was so stupid for printing and then posting up that list. I was having a really bad day and wasn't thinking straight. I hate being invisible and I was just so angry that afternoon." Jesse put an arm around her shoulder and gave her a squeeze in comfort. "I don't even hate Rachel. She's completely irritating but I never hated her. Never until that day and everything just spilled over. She had everything.
"Mr. Schue told me that Principal Figgins wants to expel the author of the list and then I really won't have anything left. It's amazing how you think you have nothing and then you can lose even more."
As soon as Quinn's eyes began to water, Jesse pulled her up and hugged her. "Hey, nothing is going to happen to you. I have your back, you are not going to get expelled. And even if you do, there's always Carmel High and Vocal Adrenalin. You have a pretty decent set of pipes, I'm sure I can throw in a good word for you over there."
A small smile formed on Quinn's mouth. It was nice to have Jesse smile at her again and make jokes. As she buried her face in his chest, Quinn realized it was really nice to have his arms around her. In all the times that he had made her feel better, Jesse had always done it with his words and his smile. This was the first time Jesse had ever made her feel better with his touch. He felt so good and warm.
She looked up at him and found him looking at her intently. "Jesse?"
"Yeah?" he said softly, leaning his head closer to hers. He was going to kiss her, Quinn realized instantly. The look in his eyes told her so. And then he brushed her hair back with his hand, all the while keeping their gazes locked together. Quinn felt her knees getting weak.
"I think this is a bad idea."
"Why? We're both good looking people and on top on my version of the Glist before you went and changed it. And I did promise you that I'd have your back on this. What better way to seal the deal than with a kiss?"
Jesse's face was drawing closer to hers and Quinn paused as she reveled in the feel of him in front of her. It had been so long since she had been kissed. Quinn was starting to forget what it felt like. It would have been so easy, just lean forward a few more centimeters. She bit her lip.
But just before Jesse's lips met hers, Quinn snapped out of it and pushed Jesse back. "Jesse, I can't. Puck—"
"What about Puck?" Jesse asked, sounding a little frustrated. He let go of her. "You said you didn't love him."
"I don't," Quinn said, raking her hand through her hair nervously. She moved away, hoping that he would see her hands trembling. "I don't love Puck. I don't even know if I can trust him. But he cares for me. And I think I want to try and make things work between us. For my baby's sake."
"I'm thrilled to hear that," Jesse responded sarcastically.
"Besides, you said you still loved Rachel. Whether or not you're not sure if you still have those feelings, I think us kissing right now would be a really bad idea."
Jesse didn't respond immediately and just stared at Quinn, making her feel slightly uncomfortable. "You're right," he said. "I'm sorry."
There was a long and awkward silence.
"I have to go," Quinn finally said. "I have to go and meet P—meet my ride and head home."
Jesse nodded.
"Enjoy your spring break."
"I will, thanks."
Quinn bit her lip before nodding. As she turned towards the door, Jesse called back out to her. "Hey, Quinn. Don't forget – I still have your back. So don't worry about anything."
A big smile graced Quinn's features. "Thanks, Jesse." She left the room with the silly grin still stuck on her face. When she had gotten to the parking lot to meet up with Puck, he had noticed the smile on her face and asked why she was smiling.
"No special reason," she had said.
"You keeping secrets from me, Quinn?" When she looked up she saw that the expression on his face was soft, not at all accusing like his words. Her smile affected Puck and made him gentle as he smiled back at her.
Quinn turned thoughtful as she thought about Jesse. He was her little secret. But she wasn't going to give that away by acknowledging that to Puck. She shook her head and gave him another dazzling smile. "Not at all."
Author's Note: Apologies that this has taken so long. Writer's block took over and I wasn't so sure I wanted this story to end. On a brighter note, I'm drafting a new future fic story. Hopefully that will turn out as good as (or even better) than this!
As always, reviews are much appreciated and loved!