My Heart's Been Wasted On You Chapter 5: When The Lights Go Out, a south park fanfic

Kenny's POV

January 27th

Looking in the mirror was never something I particularly enjoyed, because it gave me time to pick up the things I didn't like about my appearance. But that day, I couldn't help but stare at my reflection. I had just had gym for first period, and I was in the changing room, practically alone since everyone else had dived into the showers. The showers always gave Cartman an excuse to laugh because he could apparently see my rib cage, although everyone just laughed at him because we couldn't even see his neck. Now that was poor health.

I stood in my reeking shirt and shorts, staring at myself in disgust and slight amusement. My skin was waxier today than usual and my eyes seemed to bulge in their sockets, ringed by blotches of grey and there on my cheek was a bruise that had swollen the side of my face by an inch from where my dad had lashed out last night. Thanks, dad. If you really want me to parade how bad you raise your kids, you could've just asked. I would've gladly handed out fliers but oh no, I had to be a walking advertisement. I gingerly brushed my fingers across the bruise, wincing at the sharp, dull throb that stirred there.

"Kenny, you in here?"

I spun around at the sound of my name, but I cringed at the voice because it was so familiar. The source stood peering cautiously around the door, cheeks aflame with embarrassment and the thrill of being caught by a teacher or another student. When those green-brown eyes met mine, they flickered with some unidentified emotion. Before I could even try to understand what that emotion was, the flicker had died and was replaced with glowing warmth that made me melt a little like an ice-cream would next to a burning flame.

"Kenny..." Kyle walked towards me, his gaze falling noticeably on my cheek and an emotion I could recognise burst into life in his eyes, and stayed there. His speed picked up and within a few moments he had crossed the boys' changing room over to me, cupping my face with his hands and turning my head to the right to inspect the bruise.

"Who the fuck did that to you?" he asked, sounding almost threatening, like he was restraining the anger that was bubbling up in him. For a minute or two, I wondered if I was the one he was furious with, but I grasped that he was fuming about someone hitting me and leaving such a mark.

"No one," I brushed it away like it was nothing, because it seriously was. Over a billion times I got hurt, be it by someone else or my clumsiness. Either way it didn't matter to me, but I was sincerely touched that he cared. "It doesn't matter."

Kyle's eyes narrowed. "Of course it matters! Was it the fat ass? I never thought he'd sink so low to actually..."

"No, no, no," I couldn't help but grin in spite of myself, despite the lack of amusingness of this conversation. "It wasn't the lump. I just...I must've knocked my face harder on the cupboard than I thought I did. My mom swung the cupboard open this morning and hit me. No big deal."

I had used this lie a few times before. It was believable and people bought it...except Kyle.

"You're lying, Kenny," Kyle said flatly. "Whoever's hitting you is a total asshole and they're not going to get away with it. They hurt my boyfri..." I covered his mouth quickly with my hand in case anyone was listening in.

"Shh, it's a secret remember," I beamed as Kyle kissed my hand that covered his lips. "It's nothing, I swear to you. If it was, I'd tell you. Now zip it or Lardy-dar is going to overhear and tell everyone."

Kyle looked defiant but nodded so I removed my hand. The moment I peeled the barrier away, he got on his tiptoes a little and pressed his lips firmly against mine. Memories of that first kiss gushed through my mind, pouring down from my brain down to my very feet, not leaving an inch of me untouched. I held his shoulders as he held my face, our eyes closed in unison as we both shut down to our feelings.

I even remember now how hot and tight everything became on me; my jacket that was a security blanket to me suddenly became an obstacle that I wanted to dispose of in order to be closer to Kyle, my pants seemed like a door that just wouldn't budge, and even all his clothes were like a wall I had to climb in order to get to the desired other side. I didn't know if Kyle was feeling the same, I wanted to know but I felt crazy asking with words. I unzipped his jacket and ran my hands along the chest I found there, feeling his rampaging heart banging on his ribcage, demanding to be let loose.

Kyle had unzipped my jacket too, but didn't allow my t-shirt to stand between his hands and my bare chest. He reached up under my shirt and the touch of his hands upon my naked skin was heavenly torturous. We'd never gone further than kissing; I hadn't even seen him naked yet. We'd slept topless together, and I'd slept in my boxers on more than one occasion. I'd dreamt about going further, thought about it while I was bored shitless in class, wondered what it'd be like whenever I kissed him. We'd made out often enough, but never had we gone further or seemed to want to...this time was different. The anticipation of being caught made me more excited, made me want to push our luck to the point of the other guys returning to see Kyle on top of me completely naked. Maybe my fantasies do run a little wild sometimes...but this is what I think about and it's healthy for a teenage boy to think that way. Teacher in sex education ensured me that.

Kyle had pulled away, leaving my lips sticking out alone and pleading for more. I heard him laugh and he planted a light peck on my lip and untangled himself from my long arms. I opened my eyes, seeing him looking entirely flustered and anxious as he glanced around.

"You warned me not to say the word boyfriend," Kyle chuckled. "But you go ahead and say it with your actions. You're really something, Kenny McCormick."

000

I felt like I had overreacted and I was truly embarrassed about the way I had been feeling and thinking ever since Stan and Kyle had reunited. Kyle had quickly promised me that it would be just the two of us that evening, and that he would tell Stan that he was visiting family that night. I had been a little apprehensive over this, starting to worry about Kyle pushing his best friend away again for me, but the thing was, he couldn't push me away either. I was his boyfriend now and I didn't want to be left out anymore than Stan did. Unfortunately when it's three people, one person is always going to get less attention and that's just how it works. But on the bright side, Cartman had seemed kind of more chilled than usual and bearable to be around so it was the four of us at lunch and no one, I don't think, felt left out for a second.

There was an awkward moment when Kyle had sat next to me and Stan had stood there puzzled to why his best friend had chosen to sit opposite him rather than at his side but he didn't make a big deal about it, and I commended him for that. He sat next to Cartman, slightly reluctantly, but he didn't complain and went on talking to Kyle and me as usual, and every now and then adding something to the tub of lard.

"Wow Kenneh someone's lookin' a little unloved right now!" Cartman remarked upon seeing the lack of lunch sitting before me. "What happened? Mam sell your dinner again to get some soap?"

I flushed but didn't let him now that he wasn't far off. We had no food in the house right now; mom had made everyone else a tiny lunch and had forgotten that I too needed one. She asked if I was alright going without for the day, which I unwillingly agreed to, despite not having eaten since yesterday's breakfast of one slice of toast. Things were getting really bad money wise since dad was spending all the money we had left on alcohol, but whenever mom challenged him about it he'd throw a fit and storm out to get even more pissed and spend even more of our money just to spite her. At least mom was going to shop tonight having saved up some money, at least enough for necessities.

"Fuck off, Cartman," Kyle snapped, alarming me out of thought. "How could your mom possibly love you if she's egging you on to premature heart failure?"

"Actually, Kyle, mah mam does love me very, very much and can't bear to see me waste away like Kenneh," Cartman retorted, wiping the smeared chocolate from his lips.

I really didn't mind Cartman ripping on me...well; I did but not as much as I minded everyone else ripping on me. I couldn't help but notice people glancing sympathetically and amusedly over at me with no lunch...again. I just ignored it and grinned a wide grin to assure everyone I couldn't give a shit. Stan, Kyle and Cartman blinked bemusedly at me as I beamed for no reason, but didn't comment on it, returning to their food.

"Hey, Kenny, I'm not really hungry today," Kyle said, breaking the awkward silence that had fallen. "Wanna have my other piece? It's only jam, you like jam right?"

I loved jam and my stomach growled in approval. I usually despised hand outs and denied them in spite of my desperate hunger but since it was Kyle, I agreed and held the soft, white bread sandwich in my hand with its tidily spread jam in the centre, sticking the two slices together. I wolfed it down without a second thought, the jam strong and sweet in my mouth. I was so hungry it was gone within two seconds, leaving crumbs all over myself and jam on the corners of my lips. The others looked like they didn't know what to say at first but just wound up laughing.

"You're worse than Sparky," Stan snorted, referring to his now ancient dog that had been in his prime when we were around eight-years-old. "He does the same thing whenever my dad gives him some beef, it's hilarious!"

Of course, Cartman couldn't resist the opportunity to poke at me. "Damn, Ken! You'd think you haven't eaten in like, two weeks or something. If you don't slow down you're gonna move up from child's clothes up to an XXXXS!"

"Better than XXXXXXXXXXXXXL, fat ass," Kyle said between giggles, looking at my jam coated lips.

I let out a small smile to Kyle, mouthing a tiny 'thank you', which he returned with a very minute nod of the head before turning back to Cartman. I felt Stan looking at me but I didn't return his gaze, I was too busy watching Cartman and Kyle's semi-serious, semi-joking banter.

000

After school had reached its end, I went to Kyle's house where we talked for hours on end about anything and everything. That was one thing I loved about him...hell, I was already loving him. I was beginning to feel for Kyle, regardless of us only being together for a week and two days. I would laugh at people who said the 'L' word way too soon. I knew people who said it after being together for like three days and I always mocked them, saying that they couldn't possibly feel it so soon and that it was just their hormones that felt it. But even if it was only my hormones, I felt it for Kyle but didn't know whether or not to tell him.

I wasn't sure whether or not he was into that kind of thing, whether me saying it would make him melt and say it and kiss me passionately, or whether saying it would make him uncomfortable and say that maybe it was just too soon, which would mean I'd ruined our whole relationship and put unneeded strain on him to say it back to me.

But keeping it inside was killing me and I desperately wanted to declare my love for Kyle as soon as I possibly could. We had dinner with his parents, who seemed pleased that Kyle wasn't focusing on Stan all of the time and was making more friends. Kyle and I held hands underneath the table, and he'd run his warm, smooth fingers over the back of my hand the entirety of the meal, apart from when I had to use a knife and fork, which was impossible to do with one hand. Ike seemed to be the only one of Kyle's family who got a little suspicious, but he said nought and this made Kyle extremely happy.

After the first dinner I'd had in days, we retreated upstairs, hand in hand once we were out of sight, and went straight up to Kyle's room, where Sheila had laid out a sleeping bag for me on the floor, which would not be touched or slept in at all.

"Does Ike know about us?" I asked softly, sitting myself at the foot of his bed as he picked out a film for us to watch. I crossed my legs, holding my feet and rocked back and forth, lavishing the softness of his bed.

"Yeah," Kyle replied distractedly. "He's the only one who knows though."

"When are we going to tell other people?" I inquired, ceasing rocking back and forth as I became genuinely curious. "Like, Stan and your parents..."

"I dunno," Kyle sighed, putting his hands on his hips. "Damn...I can't think of what to watch, Ken. Any ideas?"

"Uh...no, not really," I blinked, confused at the sudden topic change. "But really, Kyle. When are we going to tell people? Don't get me wrong, I like this little secret thing but we can't keep it up. Your parents will get suspicious after a bit. And Stan, I think he's already guessing."

"I know he's already guessing."

"Wha? How?"

"He asked me last night. When you left, he asked if anything was going on between us."

"What did you say?"

"I said no."

"Why?" I couldn't help but feel stung. There was a perfect opportunity to tell Stan everything, he was asking and he didn't seem bothered, but Kyle had said no as if he denied our very relationship. My heart constricted.

"I'm not ready for him to know yet, Kenny..."

"When will you be ready?"

Kyle sighed heavily, his shoulders sagging in defeat as he finally turned to face me. He looked very agitated and I felt concern pulse through my veins, worried that I'd pushed him too far.

"I dunno but I will...soon," he said, striding over to me, putting his hands on my knees and leaning over so we were eye to eye. "Okay?"

I nodded, my eyes darting from his lips to his eyes the way they did whenever he got this close. Our lips were inches apart, inches that I desperately wanted to close but feared to in case I was rejected. My heart was in my throat, hammering in there like someone trying to get out. Kyle captured my lips with his own, his eyes staying open this time instead of closing. I felt that dreamy sensation flood through me and my lids felt heavy but I refused to close them, looking into Kyle's eyes as I kissed him and he kissed me. It was strange watching him kiss me, like I was watching how they did a special effect before watching the actual movie. I saw how everything was working and I didn't like it, it took everything away from the kiss but I didn't want to be the first one to close my eyes. I didn't want him to watch me while I closed my eyes like an idiot. He pulled away.

"You look so concentrated when you kiss," Kyle whispered, his forehead pressed against my own. I closed my eyes when our foreheads met and before I could open them again or reply, his lips were on mine again and we were kissing. His tongue requested entry and I complied, allowing him to explore what was lying beyond my lips, our tongues rubbing against one another, the tip of his tongue flicking to the roof of my mouth, making it tickle so I squirmed somewhat.

He clambered on top of me and I lay down, our kisses being the only sound in the room with the muffled drone of downstairs a distant place that neither of us wanted to stray. We were locked up here in each other's limbs, trapped in the fierce beatings of our hearts, the soft high panting and moans as the clothes were discarded and our bare skin collided. His skin was softer than I ever imagined it would be, save the hard nipples that rubbed against the middle of my chest. Kyle kissed my neck and the tips of my ears where I was most sensitive, letting out a mewl of pleasure. Everything was going so fast and seemed so natural that neither of us questioned each other or what we were in fact doing.

Not for a second did it cross my mind that we were maybe rushing things, that we should stop here unfulfilled and go to sleep. I had wanted my first time to be special, with someone I had been with for at least a few months. I had always imagined my first time to be with a girl beneath me, but instead I was beneath someone else who was going to take me. Every part of me was alight with tingling sensations that spread through my limbs and made me spasm with delight. I locked my legs around his waist and he prepared me and then he was inside of me. It fucking hurt but it was a hurt that I enjoyed and savoured, hissing as I arched my back higher to feel the pleasure that was buried beneath the stinging pain.

The pleasure was harder to find at first and I wondered if it would hurt like this all of the time, if my entire sex life would be pain, pain, pain. But after five thrusts, the spasms got stronger and I began to moan aloud as I could no longer contain it. He moaned too, neither of us thinking of Kyle's oblivious parents downstairs, Ike, my family, Cartman, not even Stan crossed our minds. Just us like it had always been us and no one else. Only Kyle and I, Kenny, existed and all that mattered was that we were together.

I climaxed first and he followed, sinking down on me with sharp, rapid breaths as he tried to regain his composure. I closed my eyes, feeling the throb of bliss weaving through my system, gradually dying out but not forgotten. I had the feeling I'd never forget that night and to make it all the more special, Kyle said something to me.

"I love you, Kenny," he said, kissing me on the lips.

000

Do you remember the nights,

We'd stay up just laughing,

Smiling for hours at anything,

Remember the nights,

We drove around crazy in love...

When the lights go out,

We'll be safe and sound,

We'll take control of the world,

Like it's all we have,

To hold onto,

And we'll be...

A dream.

Do you remember the nights,

We made our way dreaming,

Hoping of being someone big,

We were so young then,

We were too crazy,

In love...