Kyle's POV

I've been in love with Stan Marsh for as long as I can remember. When we were kids, those feelings confused the shit out of me. I mean, I had always seen men and women together on television, in magazines, and around town. My parents always told me that someday, I'd find a woman that I loved very much and have my own family with her. I waited with anticipation for those feelings, for that desire for someone of the opposite sex. But for some reason, I kept wondering what it'd be like if I was with Stan in the same way my parents were together. We had always been inseparable, always been the best of friends...people had always made snide remarks about us being gay together, namely Cartman. Whenever Stan slept over mine, he would ask how the butt sex was and Stan would always tell him where to shove it.

I'd kind of hoped that someday, Stan would turn round to me and confess that he'd always been confused about his feelings for me. I'd hoped that all those times he denied Cartman's accusations, that he was thinking about what it would have been like if we had gotten together...that's what I did anyway. But no; Stan had sort of seen right through me, and he noticed girls, notably Wendy. Stan and Wendy had this on and off relationship that started when we were eight. He'd harboured feelings for her as long as I could remember; I remember him confiding in me that he thought she was the most beautiful, smartest person he'd ever met and I recall that plummeting notion in my chest like a sinking boat. But I didn't give up hope of us being together until this year.

Wendy could never love Stan like I wanted to. I had loved him for years; she had also I realise but she had hurt him over and over again. I mean, she'd dumped him and gotten with Token pretty much the next day. But still, he pined for her and even though I was there, someone who loved him dearly, he would just bury his face in his hands and claim his undying love for Wendy right in front of me. Now that stung...it hurt so fucking bad.

I never wanted to be gay. I never thought myself as gay for having feelings for Stan. Despite us being the same gender, I just wanted a relationship with him. I couldn't imagine myself with another guy...I mean, all I had to do was think about myself with that fat ass Cartman and I'd feel queasy. I'd tried watching gay porn online, seeing if it did anything for me because I wanted to know for certain I was gay. I couldn't even get through the first five minutes. But then again, I was like that with all pornographic material so it didn't really prove anything. I had even gotten to the point of visiting Mr. Garrison and asking his opinion, asking him about how he knew he was gay. That was just as helpful as the porn because he simply replied: "I'd known since birth, Kyle". HOW CAN YOU KNOW SINCE BIRTH? That made no sense. When you're a baby, you don't know or remember anything. You only start collecting memories when you're like, seven or six. Even then, how did Mr. Garrison know what gay was? I only knew what gay was because of him and even then I didn't want to be it. I didn't mind it for other people, but not for myself.

I was in denial about my feelings for Stan ever being homosexual. It couldn't be. I was just in love with his personality. I was in love with his eyes. His laugh, his smile, his hands, his hair, the way he talked...fuck it, I was in love with everything. When he stopped over mine or me over his, I couldn't help but stare at him. I felt like such a creep, such a pervert and it made me feel worse. I wanted to bury myself in a deep hole and leave a sign warning people not to go down it in fear of a perverted, gay monster living down there.

Now, I bet you're wondering: well, why all this talk about Stan? You were dating Kenny McCormick? Right? Or did I read all that wrong? No, you read it right. I started dating Kenny on January 17th this year...

Kenny had always been there with Stan, Cartman and me. It was us four; from kindergarten, to elementary school, middle school and now high school. I considered Kenny a friend, of course I did but we were never as close as I was to Stan. Stan and I had this connection; our thoughts and personalities always seemed parallel with one another. But with Kenny, Kenny was different. He came from a bad background, I mean everyone knew that and I sympathised. I really did. I just never saw him the same way...though I knew he saw Stan in the same way I saw Stan.

I knew that Kenny was gay, or at the least bisexual. It was common knowledge, like how you knew to clean a public toilet seat before sitting down or to hold a door open for someone coming in behind you. I didn't care that Kenny was gay or whatever, but I cared that he harboured feelings for Stan. Whenever I saw them together, it made my skin crawl and the envy itched like mad. The thought of them ever getting together made my skin prickle with cold and it made my heart feel fifty times heavier, like a burden sitting in my chest. I couldn't stand it when they started to sleep over each other's houses. It made me wonder if they ever...you know.

So, on January 17th I decided that I wasn't going to be invisible to Stan anymore. I'd never been in relationship, so he'd never had to worry about me leaving him any time soon. If I got in a relationship with someone, maybe he'd notice me. I contemplated on asking Wendy Tetsaburger out or maybe Bebe because she had once had feelings for me but I knew neither of them would really bother Stan. He wasn't bothered when Cartman hit on Wendy that one time in December though maybe it didn't count because she did turn him down...harshly. Besides, I couldn't imagine being in a relationship with either of those two girls, and the rest of the South Park High girls didn't seem interested, and I wasn't seriously interested in any of them. All of this supported my theory of me being gay by the way.

So, I made a drastic decision during Math that day. I had been sitting next to Stan, watching the way he gnawed on his pen whenever he was stuck on a question and the way he ran a hand through his black hair and puff out his cheeks whenever he figured out a really tough question. It made every organ in my body contract and made me fidget in my seat in an attempt to hide the loud thumping of my chest that I was certain the entire classroom could hear. Then the idea came to me. Maybe he did like Kenny back...maybe he and Kenny had exchanged feelings or words hinting towards going on a date or even getting together. Well...Kenny was gay/bisexual...and we had known one another all our lives...maybe it wouldn't be so awkward or difficult...maybe...maybe it would get Stan to notice me.

I know it was a terrible thing to do, and at first it started off as a 'get Stan jealous' thing but eventually I got in too deep, the both of us did. I, for one, didn't think at all that Kenny would react to my kiss. I thought he'd push me off and demand to know why I had randomly kissed him. But he hadn't. He'd kissed me back and that kiss, awkward at first, gave me butterflies for a second or two near the end. That was when I had thought: wow, this really could work.

I should've broken it off; I had gotten Stan to notice. He had called a few times, awkwardly asking if Kenny was there and when I replied yes, he'd mumble something about having to go and then hang up. But Kenny was getting too into the relationship; when I realised his feelings were getting involved, I should've called the whole damn thing off but I couldn't. I couldn't help but notice a change in him. He was bothered about school work now; he came in every single day, he seemed brighter, he smiled more, talked more and, most notably, taken his hood down. His hood was rarely ever down, even in the summer when South Park was hinted with warmth. I admit I developed feelings for Kenny. So much so I even took it all the way with him. I had sex with him; I had given him my virginity and, probably, taken his. I was caught up in the heat of the moment, drowning in the sensations that racked my body and just gave myself over to desire and weakness. And I won't lie; it was amazing.

But, even more stupid than that, I told him that I loved him. How could I have been such an asshole? I told him that I loved him...the 'l' word was something I was warned from an early age never to throw around. I always cringed whenever Stan had told Wendy he loved her, because I couldn't understand why he'd say that when they'd only been going out for a few weeks. At that moment, though, I understood why he'd done that. Kenny was...enticing. He brought me in and I began to develop feelings for him.

Of course, Kenny wanted me to start telling people. I had already told Ike that Kenny and I were dating, but even he got the feeling something wasn't quite right. Stan had even asked, but I hadn't the heart to tell him. The perfect opportunity to make him realise he was losing me, the perfect time to let him know that I was taken but I couldn't with his blue eyes locked onto mine, filled with anxiety that he was losing his best friend. Humph, some best friend I am. I eventually told him everything on February 17th, mine and Kenny's one month. Stan had been stunned, but I couldn't get that much from his reaction because he wouldn't even look at me. Did he really find me that disgusting? He promised that he was okay with it, and told Kenny so too.

I could never forget that look on Kenny's face when Stan gave it a thumbs up. His cheeks turned bright red, his eyes widened so their light shimmering blue lit up to its full potential and he gave the biggest grin I'd ever seen on his face. My heart ripped a little at that moment because, deep down, I knew I felt nothing for Kenny...nothing compared to what I felt for Stan.

I told my parents that I was experimenting with my sexuality; my parents had been initially shocked and hurt that I'd kept such a secret from them and I told them that Kenny had offered to help me clarify what my true feelings were. I'd told Kenny, that I'd told them we were in a serious relationship...I couldn't have told my parents that. They knew about my feelings for Stan...and they would've deemed it unfair what I was doing to Kenny, which it totally was. I didn't want them to be disappointed in me; I didn't want them to make me tell Kenny the truth. I couldn't do that...but things were starting to get difficult...

March 22nd

Kenny had turned seventeen that day, not quite a landmark birthday but my mom had insisted that we made it special for him since 'his family couldn't afford it'. Kenny had insisted not to do anything, and had told me that he'd be fine just spending the day with me alone. I remember my chest tightening and the ache in my cheeks as I forced a smile. Still, we invited him over for the day and Stan was also asked to come. Cartman came on his own accord; I tried to slam the door in his face but my dad had heard the high volume obscenities on Cartman's part from the kitchen and had told me to let him in before he destroys any more children's innocence.

"Yeah you know to let me in, crack licker," Cartman grumbled when I'd opened the door to him, waddling inside and planting his ass on the sofa. "Where's the charity case?"

He was referring to Kenny and I was only grateful that Kenny wasn't there to hear that because that's what he hated most about my mom's hospitality; feeling like a charity case. I thumped Cartman hard on the arm.

"Don't call him that, fat ass!" I said quietly through gritted teeth, loud enough for him to hear but not loud enough for my parents to overhear and scold me for. "He's on his way over..."

"You sure of that, Kyle?" Cartman pressed, popping open a bag of chips. "This poor excuse of a charity event is too poor for that poor piece of crap."

Before I could say anything, the doorbell rang and I found Kenny and Stan standing at my front door. It made my blood freeze seeing how good they looked together. If I didn't know them and if I wasn't totally in love with one and dating the other, I would've thought about what a cute couple they looked. Kenny was adorably good-looking with his scruffy blond hair that was constantly in sticking up in places no matter how much you tried to flatten them and his bright blue eyes that seemed to light up whenever he saw me. Stan was handsome in a more mature way than Kenny with his thick black hair and dark cobalt eyes. Stan always looked so tentative whenever he knocked on my door whilst Kenny always looked so bright and excited with a wide, toothy grin on his face. They looked like the perfect couple; different but then again opposites attract. Do people who are almost alike in every single way attract? I wasn't sure...

"Thanks for coming over you guys," I said, my voice thick with an emotion I wasn't sure of.

"Thanks for inviting us more like," Stan smiled, stepping past me. When our shoulders touched, it was like a spark was set off between us. A lump rose in my throat.

Kenny looked at me for a moment, scratching the back of his head sheepishly when I said nothing. His cheeks were turning pink...he was so cute...and then, I wondered if I was truly feeling something for him. He was standing there in front of me, his feelings plain and his heart in the right place. Maybe...just maybe...I could someday develop something for him the way those for Stan had developed all those years ago. I know it wasn't fair, dragging him along when I wasn't sure of how I felt about him. But I was starting to...see something in him.

I stepped up towards him and kissed him passionately on the mouth. Whenever we kissed, I always kept my eyes open. His eyes always shut the moment our lips made contact, so he never noticed. The one time we did kiss with both of our eyes open and he blatantly didn't enjoy it at all; the concept of being watched whilst the emotions were raw and playing out so vividly inside of him. I always watched him, saw how concentrated he looked when he kissed me, like he was calculating on where to move his tongue next or when to turn his head. This time, I decided to try closing my eyes too. It felt...good I suppose. But then something cruel entered my mind. I imagined I was kissing Stan.

Kenny pulled away, leaving me throbbing and wanting more. I refused to open my eyes for a moment, imagining that soft panting belonging to Stan. Those bubbles flourished inside of me, those bubbles that rose whenever Stan touched me. They were going crazy inside of me. When I dared to open my eyes and I didn't see Stan looking back at me, my heart tore.

"What did I do to deserve that?" Kenny laughed, pressing his forehead against mine, our noses touching.

"I don't know..." I murmured as he embraced me, and the truth was, I really didn't know what he did to deserve all of this shit I was putting him through...

April 16th

"I'm going to check on Stan," I whispered to Kenny after the match had finished. Stan's team had lost...terribly and I couldn't help but notice how crushed Stan looked when the whistle had blown signifying the end. He was staring at the score in disbelief, hands at the back of his head as he stood dazed in the centre of the gym.

"Okay, I'll wait with Cartman outside," Kenny replied, his breath pouring down my neck like a hot drink. "I think he'll just make it worse...hopefully, he'll calm down by the time you both come out."

I tensed at the words 'come out'; for a second, the idea crossed my mind that Kenny knew about how I felt about Stan but that was just paranoia. I seemed to be getting more paranoid by the second...

"Okay, meet you out there," I said as I rose. Before I descended down to the changing rooms, I narrowed my eyes at Cartman, pointed at him and added: "Fat ass, you better get your cool back by the time I come out with Stan..." my muscles clenched again. "So start thinking of something serious and try to act like a friend for five minutes!"

I heard Cartman say behind me: "Ken has your girlfriend got sand in her vagina?" but I ignored it and made my way through the line of people leaving the hall. People were muttering about how poor the match was and how Marsh should've been benched. I grit my teeth and tried not to have a go at them because, harsh as it sounds, Stan really should've been benched. He looked like he was elsewhere the entire game and he seemed distracted. Whatever was bugging him, I'd know in a moment.

Stan was sitting alone in the changing room, face in his hands. He hadn't showered or changed like the other players had, and he was left alone. I approached him with caution, not wanting to upset him anymore, picking my first sentence carefully apart in my head, replacing words that could misinterpreted.

"Hey...Stan...you alright?" I started, mentally kicking myself for such a trivial greeting. Of course he wasn't alright.

"Mhmmm..." Stan groaned, exhaling loudly and heavily that it looked like he was physically deflating. "Kyle...be honest...I blew it didn't I?"

I hesitated but decided to be honest; he'd asked for it and I was his best friend. I owed him that much. "No man...you didn't suck." Honesty could wait a little longer. Right now, he needed some self-esteem. "You just had a lot on your mind is all. You feel like talking about it?"

"No," Stan said flatly. "I just want to go home."

I was disappointed sure but I complied, deciding not to push him. I turned my back as he changed behind me, fighting the urge just to peek over my shoulder as I heard the rustle of clothing being discarded and applied. He gave me a tap on the shoulder when he'd finished and we left together, heading out to meet Kenny and Cartman outside. It was painfully obvious that Cartman was re-enacting Stan's performance in the match. His impression was terrible, flawed and just plain wrong, but all the same it hurt Stan.

"Alright, that does it you asshole!" I exclaimed, making Cartman jump who seemed oblivious to his extended audience. I stormed over, rolling up my sleeves to punch the shit out of that asshole. Kenny jumped up immediately and hand his hands on my arms, pushing me gently back towards Stan.

"He's not worth it," Kenny whispered over and over. "Don't give him the satisfaction. Kyle, you'll only encourage him."

"Get rid of him Kenny!" I spat, regretting the venom in my tone but I couldn't help it. Cartman was pushing his luck, seriously. I shrugged off Kenny's hands and went over to Stan, putting an arm around his shoulders and leading him away.

Cartman's voice trailed after me, something about Kenny doing what his 'bitch' wanted. My blood sizzled in my veins but I didn't give Cartman the satisfaction of looking over my shoulder at him. Stan had his head hung the entire walk back to his house; he didn't say a word and I felt the frustration at Cartman ebb away to a niggling memory, giving Stan's shoulder a squeeze.

"Kyle...do you really want to know what's on my mind?" Stan said suddenly, ducking out from under my arm so he was standing a few feet behind me rather than next to me.

I blinked. "Of course I do, Stan. What's bothering you?"

Stan sighed, digging his hands deep into his jacket pockets, avoiding my eyes. "Your...your relationship with Kenny..."

I recoiled. The one thing I had wanted him to notice from the start was being discussed at long last...but now, I didn't want the conversation. I felt guilty enough as it was. When you looked away from all of the reasons, when you put aside my feelings for Stan completely you saw what the situation was in its true, hideous form: I was using Kenny. And that fact was eating me away inside.

"W-what about it, Stan?"

Stan's expression changed from the miserable state it had been before to one of pure aggravation. "Forget it, it's nothing. Forget I said anything, Kyle."

"No, Stan what were you going to say?"

"Kyle, I said leave it alone!"

"No." I closed the gap and did what I'd wanted to do for a very long time. I kissed Stan.

000

"I punched Cartman in the face..."

My eyes went wide with shock. Kenny had turned up on my doorstep thirty minutes after we'd departed outside the school, fifteen minutes after my kiss with Stan. A wide range of emotions were running through me and I had no clue which one stood out the most. Confusion, alarm, gratefulness, remorse, agitation, hurt...all of them flared their saturated colours inside of me. I had no idea which one to act on. Kenny had punched Cartman for me...because of me. I'd told him to get rid of Cartman; I'd basically pushed Kenny away because of Cartman. So of course, Kenny was going to act out. I just never saw him as someone to get violent, someone to lash out at someone. He and Cartman had had fist fights as kids, but nowadays they just verbally assaulted one another. Out of the four of us, before this relationship started, Kenny was closest with Cartman. Had I ruined their somewhat of a friendship?

I took Kenny's hand in mine and studied the deep, angry grazes on his knuckles. A trail of blood had started to trickle down the back of his hand.

"Come inside..." I said, my voice surprisingly flat and even. "Let's clean you up..."

I led him up to my bedroom, a place that acted as a kind of sanctuary to the both of us over the past three months. Shit, it would be three months tomorrow. The amount of time we'd been together finally sunk in. Three months of a false relationship was too long...it was so awful. So foul of me to do. I glanced up at my reflection and saw the panic sitting there in my eyes, screaming at me: WHAT YOU GOING TO DO?

I didn't know. I returned to Kenny and began to whisper things to him, words of comfort and caring as I cleaned him up although I wasn't 100% certain what I was saying. The entire time I was wondering what I was going to do. Back in March, I was planning on waiting it out, until I returned Kenny's love but was that truly fair? Fair on him? Fair on Stan? Fair on me? If I could've so boldly asked Kenny to be my boyfriend, couldn't I have done the same to Stan? I mean, I'd kissed him boldly enough tonight...but with Stan it was different. Back then, I was foolish enough to believe that the only thing that mattered in the world was Stan. Now I knew that Kenny's feelings were twice as important because I was playing with them so carelessly right now. He'd told me he'd love me. He'd taken my virginity and I had taken his. I'd lied to him. He was my friend; he'd done absolutely no wrong to me.

And, in the end, it had all been pointless. Stan had turned me down...

"Kyle, are you angry with me?" Kenny asked, startling me.

No, I was angry at myself.

"No...Ken, I'm not mad at you."

"Then...what's up?"

And that was when I knew what I had to do. I had to tell him the truth. I had to tell him everything, my reasons, my wrongs, my mistakes, my selfishness. All of it. I had to tell him and I had to apologise. There was no use in waiting it out, because the longer I waited, the more I made Kenny fall for me, the more I hurt him, the more I hurt our friendship. If there was any chance he could forgive me, I wouldn't want to tarnish that chance. If I pushed it on for any longer, there was a high chance he'd never forgive me and I couldn't have that...he'd been such a good friend to me...

"Kenny..." I sighed deeply. "I can't be with you anymore..."

Kenny's expression broke me. His eyes instantly brimmed with tears, one minute his eyes were clear, curious and apprehensive. Now, they were fogged and hurt played its grim tune there. He blinked rapidly, the tears falling swiftly down his face. His mouth opened and closed, like a broken machine in a rundown amusement park. He couldn't speak, and I stood there, waiting with horrid patience, with my heart throbbing and aching. Kenny rose to his feet. His breathing was ragged, as if something was truly broken inside of him.

"W-w-you...don't want to be with be with me anymore?"

I wanted to correct him; that I simply couldn't but that would've been wrong. It would've given him false hope, it would've led him to believe that this wasn't my doing and that someone else was behind it, putting words into my mouth. But in actuality, these were my words. This was my doing, my attempt at correcting a mistake I made nearly three months ago.

"Kenny...I'm sorry," I said, my voice cracking. I was astonished that I had started to cry also. "I...I'm in love with Stan." Kenny dropped back down at the foot of my bed. I pressed on. "I've been in love with Stan for years now...but he didn't notice me. And...there's no justifying what I did, Kenny...but...I...I...I used you...to make Stan jealous..."

Kenny buried his face in his hands, not that dissimilar to the way Stan had done earlier. I swallowed hard and started towards him. I was stopped in my tracks as he leapt to his feet and sprinted out of the front door.

"KENNY!" I cried, following him out of my room. He was bolting down the stairs, tripped over himself and landed, sprawled out, at the foot of the stairs. "KENNY!" I yelped, going down after him. Horror flooded through me as I crouched next to him, seeing the gaping gash on his forehead. "SHIT!" His eyes fluttered open and he our eyes met.

I'll never forget how his eyes looked then. They momentarily looked happy and warm again, lighting up the way they usually did when he saw me. Then they fell dead and he squeezed his eyes shut, pushing me off of him and getting to his feet, swaying as he made his way to the door. My muscles seemed to stop working, as I sat there, frozen, as he opened the front door and left, not once looking back...

Sorry for suck a bleak chapter ^^; There are more chapters coming up so please read and review. Thank you all so much for the lovely reviews.