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"Though we kissed, though we embraced each other so,
We couldn't understand each other,
Right now, I just want to hear one phrase: 'I love you'...
I want to be touched by those hands."
~Okui Masami, "Te no Hira no Kakera" (Shards in the Palm of
My Hand)~
Hikou looked across the classroom at the empty desk of his best friend and sighed heavily. "Still no sign of him?" he said, more to himself than the handful of students that sat around his own seat.
"Not one blue hair," Shigure muttered from behind the dark-haired man. The young student frowned, putting his chin in his hands thoughtfully. "It's been almost a week. You'd think he'd be well enough to come back to school... I mean, Ri-kun isn't the kind of person to miss class unless he's really messed up." He chuckled, nudging Hajimoto Airi. "Oi, remember that one time in grade school when he came to school sick and nearly threw up on Uzumaki-sensei?"
Airi giggled at the memory. "We were all cheering him on, encouraging him to do it. She was a real terror, Uzumaki was..."
Kouran was not taking part in her classmates' easy-going banter. She hugged herself, interrupting the conversation. "He's not sick. Not anymore, anyway. Otoo-san went over a few days ago, said he's welcome to come back to school at any time." She looked away, eyes reading open concern and worry. "But he doesn't want to. He doesn't want... anything, it seems. Doesn't even want to see me..."
"You mean his parents still aren't letting anyone in to talk to him?" Shigure demanded. He shook his head in disbelief. "I always liked those two, but they're being awfully protective of Ri-kun these days, doncha think?"
"They're just respecting his decision," Hikou said, coming to the family's defense. "When Kouran or I go over, asking to see him, they always go inside to check with him, then come back out to tell us he doesn't want to see us."
Airi shook her head, agreeing with Shigure. "Not want to see his best friend and girlfriend? That's ridiculous. The three of you are practically glued to the hip - of course he'd want to see you! Especially after such a nasty accident... you said he lost his eye, didn't you?" Hikou nodded. "Poor Ri-kun. He was such a handsome guy, too, to have something like that happen."
"Hey, maybe that's it!" Shigure exclaimed, slapping the desk as if he had just come across an amazing revelation. "Maybe that's why he won't see anyone, and doesn't want to come to school! He's probably ashamed of it! I mean, you'd be worried about what people would think if you got your face tore up too, wouldn't you?"
Kouran frowned. "That isn't like him, though... he jokes about being attractive, but he isn't vain at all, hardly thinks about that kind of thing... and he knows Hikou and I wouldn't care, none of us would, he's still Houjun after all..." she shook her head, turning her eyes forward as their teacher walked into the room. "He's still my Houjun, no matter what happens," the young woman added quietly to herself, mind far away from her studies.
The day seemed to drag by at an unbearably slow pace for Kouran and Hikou, and once it finally ended they practically flew out the doors, waving quick good-byes to their friends and politely declining invitations to supper. Only once they were a good block from the school did they slow down and begin speaking; and there was an awful lot to talk about.
"Do you want me to try to see him today, or you?" Hikou wondered quietly.
"You," his female companion said, not meeting his troubled eyes. "I've been begging Yukari-san to let me talk to Houjun for almost four straight days - she's probably sick of hearing about it. Maybe you'll have some luck."
The young man snorted. "Yeah, after what happened that night? Fat chance." He gritted his teeth in helpless anger, one hand clenching against his side. "Why won't they listen to us, Kouran!? Why can't they understand that, even if Houjun says he doesn't want to see us, that doesn't mean he doesn't need to see us!? He's suffering so much, not because of the accident, but because he doesn't have the two of us to help him through it! He needs our strength to survive, just like we need his. That's how it is and that's how it's always been, and if they don't know that by now... I mean, me, I can understand not letting me see him, not after... everything," a shadow passed across his eyes for a moment, but was quickly erased by the look of indignation. "But you? They've known you since you were a baby, and so has Houjun! They should know damn well that the only person who can reach him right now is-"
"Let it go, Hikou," Kouran interrupted. "You're right, I know that, and I think Shinsei-san and Yukari-san know that too, but Houjun has decided not to see us. Even if they don't agree with it, his parents are going to respect that choice. Besides," she added quietly, turning her eyes to the leaf-strewn ground, "I ran out on him, right when he most needed me. Who would ever want to see a person like that?"
"Ch! Sometimes you can't respect someone's decision, if that decision is gonna hurt them even more."
"Then tell that to the Ri parents when you see them this afternoon. They're the ones you should be yelling at, not me."
Hikou opened his mouth to snap a reply, but decided against it. He looked away, nodding as he did. "You're right. Sorry to go off like that." The pair walked on in thoughtful silence for a while, until they were standing in front of Kouran's house. The young man leaned against his old friend's fence, saying more to himself than to Kouran: "It must have been so hard for him."
Kouran blinked, surprised to hear the serious tone coming from her companion's mouth. "What? This past week, you mean?"
"Yeah, that, but also... after the flood. The real one, not the one he envisioned last week. It must have been pure torture for Houjun, having to deal with so much loss all at one time. Not just because of the tragedy, that'd be tough for anyone, but because there was no one to help him survive through the pain. Before that, he'd always had us - even when his family or his other friends wouldn't stay by him, he always had us. But suddenly we and everything else were gone, and he didn't have that strength anymore, didn't have our presences there to save him." Hikou looked down, remembering his old, misled hatred for his friend. "Even spiritually, he was alone. He-"
"Yamete [Stop it], Hikou," his female friend snapped, voice breaking against the words.
He looked at her, surprised to see tears rimming her soft eyes. "Kouran-"
She shook her head, trying to hold back the cascade of water that threatened to fall. She wasn't going to cry in front of him again. The last time she'd done that, the last time she had completely broken down, he had comforted her, and, loathe as she was to admit it she was grateful to him for that. Kouran wasn't going to give Hikou another chance to be kind; it was easier to hate him when he kept his distance. "Don't talk about that!" she said venomously, clutching her books tightly to her chest. "Don't mention the flood, that horrible time... don't talk about it again. Ever."
The young woman whirled on her heel and practically raced to the entrance of her home, not even bothering to say "good-bye" to her companion. Well, he was used to that by now. Kouran opened the front door hurriedly, stepping through the portal and into the comforting surroundings of her modest home. She opened her mouth to announce her arrival to her parents, but stopped short as she heard a pair of familiar voices drifting down the hall from the kitchen.
Kouran strained her ears, picking up snatches of words spoken by her mother. "Is... any better?"
"Physically... but he won't... so quiet..."
The young woman bit her lip, recognizing the second voice with a jolt: It was Ri Yukari, and she was talking about Houjun! Kouran closed the front door silently behind her, then crept down the hall towards the kitchen, careful not to give away her presence with noise. As she neared the entrance to the cooking quarters, the words of the two mothers focused and became sharper, now coming in loud and clear.
"I just don't know what do with him, Yumi," Yukari was saying, a note of anxiety in her tone. "He barely eats, hardly talks... I rarely even see him get out of bed! He won't see or speak to anyone outside of the immediate family, and even then we can hardly get anything out of him. The only person he's at least a little friendly with Kyoui-chan. Bless her heart, sometimes I think she's the only thing keeping him alive these days."
Suzunami Yumi, Kouran's often irritatingly practical mother, spoke up with her usual level of matter-of-fact poise. "If it's that bad, then why don't you just drag him out of bed? Maybe what he really needs is to get back on his feet and socialize a little."
"Oh, that's what Shinsei keeps saying, but it isn't that simple," Yukari argued. "He's a young man now, you know, and we decided early last year that he's old enough to make his own decisions. If he doesn't want to talk, or see anyone, then he shouldn't be forced to do so until he's ready. He knows his own limits better than we do."
"A young man, certainly, but he's still your son," Kouran's mother reminded her. "And really, Yukari, when a person goes through the kind of trauma Houjun had to endure, do you really think they're going to know what's good for them?"
There was a long pause in which the Ri mother let out an exasperated sigh. "You're right," she finally admitted. "I know you're right, just like I knew Shinsei was right when he wanted to let Kouran in to see Houjun yesterday, even though Houjun said he didn't want visitors. But it's so hard, Yumi-chan; it's so hard knowing what's best for him at a time like this. Sometimes-"
"Wait," the Suzunami woman interrupted, a hint of surprise in her normally levelheaded voice. "Houjun's been refusing to see Kouran? My Kouran - his Kouran? I don't believe it."
"You don't have to believe it, but it's true."
"What about Hikou?"
"Not him, either. Anytime one of them comes over, either Shinsei or I will go in to ask him if he wants a visitor. And do you know what he says, Yumi? It's the same thing every time. All he'll say is that he can't face 'them.' Not after 'it.' Then he closes up again and you can't get a word out of him."
"'Them'? 'It'? What's that supposed to mean?" Yumi paused thoughtfully, then asked, "You don't think it's... well, you don't think it's because of the wound, do you? Is he ashamed of it? Yasunori told me it was a nasty scar, but Houjun never seemed the kind of person to care that much about his looks..."
"Shinsei thinks that's it, but I agree with you. It's not really in Houjun's nature to close himself off this much over anything physical." A pause. "Come to think of it, it's not in Houjun's nature to close himself off this much over anything emotional, either. Even when he's struggling, like he was before... 'it' happened, he still tried to fake cheerfulness to keep Shinsei and I from worrying." Yukari's voice lowered to a trembling whisper. "But he won't even do that anymore. It's like he's given up, like he doesn't even care what people think... like he's just sitting in there, wanting to die, waiting to die...!"
"Calm down, Yukari, please," Yumi's firm - though somewhat desperate - tone practically ordered. "Houjun's a strong young man, I believe that much about him, and I'm sure he hasn't stopped caring or wanting to live. Maybe he just needs a, a 'push' towards righting himself. Something, or someone, to help knock him out of his depression."
The Ri mother chuckled
humourlessly. "I feel like I'm talking to Shinsei again. Perhaps I'm the
only person thinking clearly, or maybe the only one not thinking clearly."
"What do you mean?"
"Oh, Shinsei's got it into his head that Houjun needs to get out of the house at all costs. He happens to be leaving for the Imperial City next week, for a quick visit to the capital before winter. My husband wants to take Houjun with him. He thinks the change of scenery, the bustle of the capital, that it might help him get back on his feet."
"Seems like a good idea. But will Houjun agree to it?"
"I don't know, we haven't spoken to him about it, yet. Though I don't think it'll make much of a difference. Shinsei can be as stubborn as you when he has a mind to be. Not to mention Houjun's been so apathetic, you could probably tell him you were taking him to Jigoku [Hell] and he wouldn't bat an eyelid. You say he's strong, and I believe he is, too, but with the way he's been acting..."
"He is strong, Yukari-san, but he can't find that strength by sitting in his room all day!"
Both women looked up, jumping in surprise to find Kouran standing in the doorway, her hands cupped tightly to her chest. Yumi blinked, a disapproving frown on her thin lips. "Ojou-san, how long have you been listening in? That's really very unladylike of you, to spy like that."
The young woman blushed and turned her eyes to the floor in embarrassment, jerking a swift bow of apology in the direction of her elders. "Sumimasen, Okaa-san, Yukari-san, but I couldn't help but listen in. You were talking about Houjun, and these days I never know what's going on with him, whether he's better or worse, whether his eye is healing all right..." she looked up again, not meeting their eyes with her troubled chocolate brown ones. "Whether he needs me or not..."
Yumi's hard orbs softened; Yukari's did the same, hers nearly filling with tears. She recognized the concern in Kouran's voice as the same worry she herself had been feeling since the accident. Houjun's mother smiled gently, patting the remaining chair at the kitchen table. "That's all right, I understand. Why don't you come in and have a seat?"
Kouran nodded, taking a few timid steps across the kitchen and accepting the offered chair. The student set her scrolls down quietly on the table, staring hard at her hands as if searching for some kind of inspiration. She knew it was rude to suddenly begin speaking without being called upon or asked a question, but she had to talk to Yukari about Houjun - she had to! "Eto..."
"We were just talking," Yumi remarked somewhat icily, upset at her daughter's unusual, brash behavior, "about how distant Houjun has been with everyone, since the accident. You don't know of any other details from that evening that might explain this, do you, Kouran?"
She shook her head, lying as she went. "No, Okaa-san, I don't know anything past what Hikou told me. I doubt that there was more to it. I've known Hikou for a long time and he isn't the type to lie." Which was true, she reminded herself. Her former friend had always been a terrible liar. The young woman hesitated, then continued, voice getting stronger as she went. "I'm not sure why he's acting the way he is, to be honest. Not completely sure. I do, um... I do have an idea, though."
Yukari sent Kouran a look of exasperations. "We've been over this already..."
"And I know you don't believe me, but Yukari-san you can't think of a better answer, can you?"
"Ojou-san, mind your manners!" her mother snapped from across the table.
"I apologize, Okaa-san, but this is hardly the time for manners," Kouran said calmly, trying to keep her voice from rising again. "Houjun's health is bad, there's no denying that. Nothing has been working so far, am I right, Yukari-san?" A small, reluctant nod. "Then please, why can't we try my solution? You and Shinsei-san are very smart, please don't mistake my words for being rude, and you know your son well enough, but I don't think you understand just how close he, Hikou and I are - how close we've always been. Whenever there was a crisis, a problem, in any of our families, the other two were always there for them, ready to give them their strength and courage so they could survive. It's how we've spent our entire lives. It's how Houjun pulled himself back together, the week before... everything fell apart again.
"I know Houjun keeps saying he doesn't want any visitors, but I truly believe that he desperately needs me, and Hikou too. He's suffering now, and it goes without saying that even if I was by his side he would still be suffering, but... but not like this. He would have some of my courage to help him find his own, to help him get through this hard time. Deep down, I know you know I'm right, and I think Houjun knows it too.
"The last time he needed me, that night of the accident..." the young woman gulped, swallowing her tears so she could continue speaking. "The last time he needed me, I ran off on him. I was so afraid, of the things that had happened, of his reaction, that I, I just... but I can't do that again, I couldn't stand to do it again. Not when his sanity - when his life - might lay in the balance of my decisions. I'd never forgive myself if I just let him slip away from us all, without even trying to do anything. But I can't try until you grant me permission to see him."
Kouran ducked her head, putting her hands together in a gesture of utter humility and shameless pleading. "He needs me. I know you can see that. So please, Yukari-san, let me at least try help your son. Please."
Yumi glanced back and forth between Yukari and Kouran, too surprised by her reserved daughter's passionate speech to rebuke her for her outspokenness. The Suzunami woman sipped at a glass of tea nervously, trying to hide her curiousity and keep her stare from lingering too long on the silent Ri Yukari.
After a moment that felt like a lifetime, Houjun's mother closed her eyes and smiled a little. "A very long time ago, a girl lost her parents to bandits. She stumbled through her hometown, crying and wishing for death. People from the village came to comfort her, but no matter what they did she could not be helped. And then, as the day turned to night, she stumbled into a ditch... and the hand of a friend caught her, embracing her and pulling her back to her feet, offering her a new home and a second chance." Yukari looked up, smiling gently at Suzunami Yumi. "Perhaps I have forgotten the value of friendship over the years, ne, Yumi-chan?"
"Perhaps we all have, Yuka-chan."
The Ri woman turned her mahogany orbs towards Kouran, that same small smile still gracing her attractive features. "Very well, Kouran, you win. You heard Yumi and I talking about Shinsei's planned trip, didn't you? About how he wants to take Houjun to the Imperial City in a few days?" Kouran nodded; Yukari returned the nod. "Why don't you accompany my son and husband for the week-long venture?"
The young woman's eyes lit up in surprise. "Me? Travel, with Houjun, and Shinsei-san, to... to the capital?"
"Mm," she agreed quietly. "It is a long trip, secluded from the distractions of home. It seems like a good place for you to give this cure of yours a try." Yukari met and held Kouran's eyes for a long second, and the young woman thought she saw a hint of desperate hope in the depths of the orbs. "Let's see if you can save the son that I could not."
Kouran glanced towards her mother hopefully; Yumi frowned and looked away. "I suppose you had better begin packing," she grumbled into her cup of tea. "And take care to bring your parents back a souvenir or two, you lucky wretch."
"Ah! Okaa-san, Yukari-san, domo arigatou gozaimasu!" Kouran cried, standing from the table so quickly she almost knocked her chair over. She bowed as low as she could, grabbing her school supplies and practically sprinting out of the kitchen. She was going to be allowed to see Houjun. Finally, she would be able to make up for her previous mistakes! She was going to save him! "I, I need to go study, and get my things lined up, and... oh, thank you, thank you so much! I won't let you down, I promise!"
Yukari and Yumi watched as the young woman raced out of sight, both of them chuckling at her enthusiasm. Yumi took a sip of tea, watching her friend carefully. "Bit of a gamble you took there, I'd say. After all, an awful lot can happen between a young man and a young woman, practically alone in an inn." She sniffed, looking upwards. "I wonder what the neighbors will say?"
"You don't think I made the wrong decision, do you?" Yukari asked, twisting her hands in nervous agitation. "I just couldn't think of anything else to do, and Kouran was so passionate about it all, I could tell she really wanted to help Houjun..."
Yumi waved a hand as if to brush away her friend's worries. "Oh, no, no, you made a splendid decision. Yes, in fact, I think this may all turn out for the best." A small, mischievous smile broke out on her stern face, lighting up her brown eyes for a moment. "If I remember correctly, an intoxicated young political student once won a woman's heart in an Imperial Inn, after swearing to give her the stars and the moon if she'd just give him her lifelong devotion and love."
Yukari blushed, glaring with mock severity at her childhood companion. "Oh, Yumi-chan, hush!"
"And if you don't take advantage of this trip, you lucky S.O.B., I'm never speaking to you again, you got that?" Hikou said with mock severity as he helped Houjun cram his two small bags onto the cart that would take them to the Imperial City. The young man, finally forgiven for his previous actions, had been allowed to come to the Ri house to see his friends off. He couldn't have been happier, even if Houjun was practically a mute and his family still watched him with moderate suspicion. It was a start, Hikou figured.
"Advantage?" Shinsei asked from nearby, his face smiling but his eyes sending a severe warning in the two young men's direction. "I'm not sure what about this trip Houjun could take advantage of, Hikou, other than getting out of the house for a few days."
His smile was the picture of angelic perfection. "Why, that's exactly what I meant, Shinsei-san. If Houjun doesn't come back with at least five funny stories to tell me, I'll never forgive him." The young salesman waited until the Ri father had walked off before slapping his friend on the back and flashing his most devious grin. "With your father up at the capital at all hours of the day, you and Kouran are gonna have that inn practically to yourselves. Now, think about that for a minute, and try not to let your hormones take over while you imagine the possibilities."
Houjun smiled weakly, distantly, at his best friend. Over the past four days Houjun had been practically forced into seeing Hikou and Kouran, and although the company had managed to pull him from his silent world, he still had a long way to go to being his normal, cheerful self. "I think I can contain myself. Remember, Hikou, you're the sex fiend here, not me."
"Me!? It is to laugh! How many times must we go over how pure I am, my forgetful friend?"
"Probably until you stop lying," he shot back, though it was obvious that his heart wasn't in it. They had pulled him from depression; they had not saved him from the apathy and doubt that ate at his soul.
In all honesty, he cared nothing about this trip and seriously doubted that it would do anything for his failing mental health, but had been unwilling to argue with his father. It was such a trivial matter, compared to everything that had happened. It seemed as foolish to demand solitude as it did to pretend everything was fine. So, he chose indifference over both anger and forced happiness and left it at that. Certainly, his family worried, but his family always worried, so what did it matter? What did anything matter, in the end? His life had fallen to shreds a week ago... assuming that this even was his real life, an irrational idea that had been nagging his thoughts for days...
"Chichiri..." an unknown voice seemed to whisper on the wind. "Leave this... come back to us..."
Houjun turned, searching for the speaker, even though he knew they wouldn't be there. It was one of the same two voices he had been hearing off and on for the past week; they were not restricted to only dreams, now. It made him wonder...
Hikou touched his friend's shoulder, snapping him from his private reverie. "Oi, Houjun, don't look so glum, will you? You're going to the Imperial City, and with the prettiest girl in Kyokujitsu to boot. You oughta be walkin' on air."
The young man opened his mouth to answer, but was cut off by the sound of his father's voice from the other side of the cart. "Oi! Houjun! Come over here and help an old man load some luggage, will you?"
"Duty calls," he said automatically. "I'll be back."
The youth smoothed his messy bangs nervously across the scarred side of his face, making sure that they covered his deformity as well as they could before walking around the cart to aid his father. His injury had healed with surprising - almost unnatural - quickness, leaving Houjun with a jagged scar across his forever-closed left eye and, for the first time in his life, a feeling of self-consciousness about his appearance. Though no one ever said anything, the young man could tell by the looks in their eyes how much the scar bothered - perhaps even hurt? - those around him. It was easier for others if he just hid it. It was easier for others if he just hid a lot of things.
Hikou frowned behind Houjun's back, not liking the deadened state of his friend. He made his way across the Ri lawn, coming to a halt at the excited Kouran's elbow. At the moment, the young woman was trying without success to drag her heavy bag towards the cart; Hikou decided to give her a hand and voice his concerns at the same time. "Need some help with that, Kou-chan?"
She scowled up at him, but handed over the "suitcase" without argument. "I guess I should say 'thank you.'"
"Why? You haven't in almost twenty-one years," he remarked, hefting the bag over his shoulder with only a small struggle. The young man walked with his companion back to the cart, gently placing her garments atop of the others. Only then did he turn back to his female comrade and, with a deep breath, speak his thoughts. "I need to talk to you, and quick. It's about Houjun."
Kouran hushed him, gesturing for the pair to move farther away from the rest of the family. They slunk off towards the side of the house, Hikou leaning up against it to rest a little. "I know what you're going to say," Kouran told him before he had a chance to begin. "And I've already told you that no, we're not going to give this up. We're going through with it, so why don't you stop wasting your breath on stupid suggestions and start using it on helping Houjun?"
Hikou scowled, irritated at the young woman for one of the first times in his life. "I am trying to help Houjun with my 'stupid suggestions.' Besides, that isn't what I wanted to talk about." He was quiet for a moment, struggling with his words. "I'm really worried about him, Kouran. More so than I was after... 'it'... happened. It's not just that he's worried about his sanity, or terrified by his visions - I've gotten used to that, almost gotten to expect it. It's more like... well, hell, you've talked to him over the past four days, you know what I mean. It's as if he's completely given up on everything, on caring about or wanting anything. Like his soul is dead and his body's just going through the motions. It's... scary."
"I know," she said, surprised to be agreeing with the man she despised so much. "Sometimes I think he's not sure what to believe, that he's not sure if this is the right world. You've seen it, haven't you? The way he'll look around out of nowhere, as if searching for a speaker that isn't there? The way that, sometimes, when those visions are plaguing him, he'll almost... almost flicker a little, like he's teetering between here and reality? Like he actually wants to go back to that horrible...!?" Kouran bit her lip in agitation, trying to keep her hands from trembling. "No, no, I won't let that happen. I won't let them take him. This week, this week at the capital, I'll set everything right. I know I can do it, I'm certain I can do it..."
"What if you can't?" Hikou asked her quietly.
"I will!"
"But what if you can't save him, Kouran? What if he falls further into despair? What if he loses his mind completely, or, or tries to kill himself...? Death in this world is as real as death in his world, and if we lost him like that there wouldn't be any salvation. We might really lose him forever, not to reality, but to his own ravaged mind, or even to Hell..."
"We won't!" she cried, trying to make herself believe her own words. "I'll save him, I'll protect him, just like I promised from the beginning. No one on any world loves Houjun as much as I do. No one's calls will work as effectively as my own. He won't leave me in any way, so long as I stay with him. I'm sure of it." The young woman turned to go, but Hikou caught her arm in a tight grip. She whirled on him, eyes burning with barely held-back rage. "Let go of me. Everyone's waiting."
"Not until you hear me out," he said calmly. "Not until I make a promise, to you and to Houjun."
"Then hurry up," she snarled, jerking her arm out of his hold. "I don't have time for this."
"You never do," Hikou agreed, voice still as even and decisive as ever. "Kouran, please listen to me, for once in your life don't just hear me but listen. I don't care if you hate me forever after this, even more than you already do, but you have to at least understand me, all right? You have to understand why I'm doing this.
"Houjun's health is dangerously unstable, and this world is the cause for that pain. Don't try to deny it, you know it's true. Now I agreed to this, and you agreed to this, because we thought we were saving him, not damning him. But ever since he got here, things have just gone from bad to worse. And I can't..." Hikou took a breath, tightening his fists at his sides. "I can't stand seeing him like this much longer, Kouran. It's killing me to see him reliving that hell, as much as it's killed me to watch you rip yourself apart with self-hatred all these years.
"You know how much I care about you. And no matter what happens, now or ever, nothing's going to change that. But I care about Houjun, too, and I'm not going to condemn him to this fate if I can prevent it. You think you have all the answers, that you know what's right for him, but you aren't the only one who loves him. Remember that. I've followed you from the beginning, but here is where I have to draw the line. Here is where I have to make an ultimatum for this sick little game we've been playing with his life."
"An ultimatum? What are you talking about!?" she demanded, voice tight as she fought to keep herself under control.
The man's maroon eyes burned with a bright, protective fire. She hadn't seen that look of determination in a long time, not since... well, she didn't like to think about that. "If, when the two of you return from the Imperial City... if Houjun isn't any better... I'm going to tell him everything. The truth. And there isn't anything you or that damned Angel or anyone can do that'll change my mind."
It was not a question, but a statement. A small gasp escaped Kouran's lips as she realized just how serious Hikou was about this. He wasn't bluffing this time, wasn't just voicing his thoughts half-heartedly: he was going to do it. Oh, gods, he was going to tell Houjun and then, and then it would all be...!
"Kouran, Hikou, what in the world are you two doing?" Shinsei called from his perch in the well-made cart. "Come on, now, we need to get going if we want to be there by this evening!"
"C... coming, Shinsei-san!" Kouran shouted over her shoulder, forcing cheerfulness into her voice. She turned back towards Hikou, recognizing the blaze that burned in his eyes as the same one that shone in her own. The young woman straightened her shoulders, meeting his stubborn maroon orbs. "Fair enough," she said, a hint of grudging respect in her tone. "I'm going to set everything right this week, so it's not like I really have anything to worry about."
"Well, for Houjun's sake, I hope you do," was all he offered in response. Hikou watched as she turned and walked quickly to the cart, hopping up next to Houjun and chatting with him as if their conversation had never happened. The young man knew her well enough, though, to know that she understood his words. She knew that he was telling the truth, and she knew how much lay at stake on this trip. Good. That would make her work doubly hard at her job of helping Houjun, would force her to face her fears and self-doubt if she expected to save him from his nightmare reality. This way, Kouran was certain to succeed. Exactly as Hikou had planned it.
And yet, as he watched the cart carrying his best friends disappear down the road, the young man couldn't help but wonder if he wouldn't prefer to have Kouran fail.
The driver of the cart, a friendly heimen - commoner - by the name of Tamori, pulled up in front of "The Dancing Dragon" just as the sun was beginning to sink into the horizon. Kouran craned her neck up to look at the classy Inn, putting a hand to her mouth in amazement. "My goodness, Shinsei-san, you said it was one of the best places in the capital, but I never expected something this lovely!"
The Ri father chuckled at her excitement, noting that even his apathetic son had managed to look astonished at the sight as well. "Wait 'till you see the inside. It's not the most expensive inn, but I'm under the belief that it's the nicest, and certainly the friendliest. The staff knows me, so the two of you won't have any problems getting anything you need - just ask and they'll deliver."
"You aren't coming in?" Houjun wondered, jumping down from the cart and giving Kouran a hand as she joined him.
Shinsei shook his head. "I'm due to spend the evening at the capital with some of the other representatives - a glorified gossip party is all it is, but it'll look bad for the Shouryuu River villages if I'm not there. I'll probably stay the night and most of tomorrow up there, but I ought to be back by late afternoon. We can tour some of the better markets when I get back, if you'd like. In the meantime, why don't you get settled in your rooms and take a look around The Dancing Dragon?" the older man winked at the pair. "They've got the best hot springs in Konan, you know."
"That sounds wonderful, Shinsei-san," Kouran agreed, handing her bag to a heimen that had scurried out from the inn to help. "I haven't had a good hot springs soak in ages, not since Okaa-san took me to Hatsuko Oba-san's village almost a year ago."
"I hope you enjoy your stay..." Ri Shinsei grinned, but the look he sent his son was entirely serious. "And I really hope you make sure to stay in your own rooms tonight."
Kouran blushed brightly and glanced away, but couldn't stop the smile from tugging at her lips. The older man looked to his son, hoping for some kind of reaction out of the impassive youth, but Houjun just gazed at the inn wordlessly, as if the magnificent place meant nothing to him. Well, with the way he had been acting recently, maybe it didn't.
Shinsei sighed and turned back to Tamori. "To the palace, please."
"Hai, Ri-san."
Kouran waited until the cart was a few buildings away before turning back to Houjun. "Come on, Houjun, let's take a look at what an Imperial Inn looks like, shall we?" She smiled, grabbing his wrist and gently tugging him into The Dancing Dragon. "What do you want to do first? Shall we go to our rooms, unpack and get something to eat? Or would you rather skip the meal and go straight to the hot springs? You look like you could use some relaxation, and if those springs are half as good as Shinsei made them out to be, they ought to do the trick."
"Whatever sounds good to you, Kouran," he replied, surprised to discover a small smile on his lips. As terrible as things had gotten, he still found that his beloved's touch, voice and presence always had the power to make him feel just a little bit better, just a little bit more like his usual self. "I'm not really hungry, though, so..."
"Great, then that solves everything. We'll lay our stuff out, find some robes and take a little bath," the young woman declared, forcing herself to be as cheerful as possible in front of Houjun. The time for understanding would come later; for the moment, she needed to make him believe that she wasn't as much of a nervous wreck as he was. For the moment, he needed her strength, even if it was just an imitation of strength.
Although, leaving him alone, even in a hot spring, would not help her cause...
Houjun, glad to be away from the world that demanded him to be social, cast off his robe and sunk up to his chin in the soothing waters of the Dancing Dragon's hot springs. He had the entire pool to himself that evening, for which he was extremely grateful. The young man was not in the mood to speak with strangers, to have them casting sidelong glances at his disfigured eye while pretending to be looking at something else. He had had enough of that from the driver Tamori and the heimen workers at the inn.
He heard a soft splash of water from behind the wooden panel that divided the pool. That would be Kouran, preparing to enjoy her soak as well. He smiled a little, fighting off the urge to take a peek through the wood and scolding himself for the fact. Perhaps Hikou had not been so wrong about him... well, he was only human, after all...
The young man turned his eye to the water below, watching his reflection in the steaming pool. He pulled back his bangs a little, running a hand along the smooth skin of his jagged scar - a thoughtful habit he had developed. It was strange, he thought, that the wound didn't bother him as much as he knew it should. He was self-conscious about it, certainly, and did his best not to bring attention to it, but that was more for the sake of others than for his own peace of mind. The scar really had nothing to do with his current state - he felt almost comfortable with it, he realized - rather, it was the details that went with the injury that plagued his waking and sleeping hours-
"Thinking about anything special, Houjun-san?"
The young man glanced up from the pond waters, brushing his bangs across his scarred eye and turning to look at the person who had called his name. He bowed his head just slightly to the older man, the senior monk who had taken the broken youth under his wing and pulled the shards of his sanity back together, if only temporarily. "N... nothing in particular, Takashi-sensei. Just..."
"Just the past."
"H-hai, Sensei, no da."
"As usual." Akura Takashi, Hatsuko's only son, took a seat by the monastery pond, watching as a few small fish darted along below the water's surface. "The others say you're coming along very well, Houjun-san. That's good to hear - when you first arrived, I don't think anyone believed you would last a week."
"Why would they think that, Sensei?"
Takashi popped him gently over the head, waving a finger in the youth's direction. "Ah, ah, ah, please recall what I told you about questions."
"'It's not a monk's duty to question only to, ano, observe, serve and listen...'"
"Correct, and nicely memorized."
"...'Especially foolish questions from
the mouth of an idiot trainee who might find out the answers if he'd stop
asking and just wait and listen,'" Houjun finished with a small smile.
Takashi blinked in surprise, then looked away and grumbled under his breath.
"Very nicely memorized. However, I think 'impertinent trainee' would have
been a better description."
"I can hold my tongue when need be," the young man remarked innocently. "For example, right now, since it's not my place to correct an elder, I'll refrain from adding that you began this conversation with a question, Sensei. I could add that, but I won't, seeing as how it would be rude."
"No wonder Satsuki wanted to kick you out from day one," the older monk said, unable to cover his broad smile. Takashi was well-known for his patience and good humour, two qualities that had been desperately needed when dealing with Houjun upon arrival. "Let's go for a walk, shall we, my young friend?"
"To where?"
"Why must we go anywhere?" He stood, holding a finger out before him and quoting one of the many ancient philosophers. "'A man's destination matters little; rather, it is the direction he travels and the steps he takes that determine where he is truly heading.'"
"What's that supposed to mean, no da?" Houjun wondered, rising to his feet as well.
Takashi paused thoughtfully, then grinned at his young companion. "I haven't the faintest idea." Ignoring Houjun's sweatdrop, the older man started off down the path that circled the pond, forcing his young charge to follow in his wake.
The two monks were silent for a long while, the oldest lost in his thoughts and the youngest taking in the beauty of the blossoming trees. Takashi stopped after they had traveled a good distance, closing his eyes as he gathered his thoughts and asked the kami [gods] for guidance in his next words. He had not wanted to have to do this, but the Oracle had demanded it. And no man, especially a monk, turned his back on a divine order from the Oracle.
Takashi took a breath. "Have a seat, Houjun-san, I have something I must speak with you about." The youth did as he asked. "You've been here with us - here in Himawari Village - for almost two years, haven't you?"
"Hai," he agreed, turning his eyes towards the vast, simple monastery that he had called home, ever since his true home had been destroyed. He closed his single eye as well, breathing in the sweet smells of spring. "It's been... very helpful, Sensei. I've... actually been able to find some happiness here, with you and the others. I think I'm beginning to atone for my sins, as well."
Takashi sighed heavily. He was happy here. Oh, Fates and Fortunes be damned, why were they forcing him to do this? "Yes, you have. You have learned much, and, I hope, gained much. I'm... I'm proud of you, Houjun-san, for all you've accomplished." He turned to the young man, trying to cover the pain in his hazel eyes with hard determination. "You have learned all there is to learn, all I or anyone else could teach you. The rest you must learn on your own, once you leave Himawari."
The young man nodded. "Hai. Perhaps in a few years, I'll be ready to..."
"You do not have a few more years," Takashi said bluntly. "Whether you are ready or not, Houjun-san, that's irrelevant. You must leave within the week. There is no debating the issue."
Houjun jerked his head upward, unable to believe the stern words that had just issued from the kindly man's mouth. The young man's eye widened, the pain of betrayal - oh, how bitterly familiar it was! - leaking from his single orb. "S-sensei... you're, you're... abandoning me...?"
"I don't have a choice. It was ordained by the stars and kami long before I met you, Chichiri-sama," he explained, using Houjun's seishi name, the name Hatsuko had told him when she had brought the boy here. He had only used the Celestial identity during very important times, hoping that it invoked a deeper sense of maturity and strength in his fragile young friend. "You have a mission, Chichiri-sama, whether you will admit that to yourself or not. The Priestess may arrive five years from now or tomorrow afternoon, and you would be all but useless in her quest if you stayed here."
"Takashi-sensei..." The younger monk felt his world begin to shatter around him again. Oh, gods, no, not again... not again...! Houjun gripped his mentor's kesa in one hand, ashamed to feel tears of desperation welling up in his single mahogany eye. "Sensei... please, don't do this to me, not when I've come so far, gotten so close..."
Takashi pulled his robes out of the young man's grip. He turned away, unable to bear the look in his student's eye. "I'm sorry, Chichiri-sama, but this isn't my decision to make. It is Fate. I will pray for your safe passage and deliverance, as will the rest of my colleagues. May Suzaku guide your steps."
The monk turned away from his charge and continued down the path, leaving Houjun alone to sob miserably at the utter unfairness of the world. Takashi's face was as tranquil as the monastery pond, showed no weakness or doubt... but even the calming words of the spirits could not still his troubled heart that evening.
Houjun sighed as the vision dissolved and disappeared as quickly as it had arrived. They came and went as they pleased, these days; the young man did little to fight them off. After the "accident," as his family discreetly called it, Houjun had completely broken down, had given up on life for over a full week. During that time, that time when he felt no connection to anyone or anything, his strange visions had nearly taken over. The voice of the man called "Tasuki," as well as a female voice that had recently emerged, had broken through at all hours of the day, heedless to whether he was asleep or not.
The further he got from his reality, the closer he seemed to get to that other world of shadows and false memories. He had long stopped battling them - had begun to think of them as an asset, in fact. They were proof of his mental instability, and yet proof of his sanity all at the same time. As long as he kept having the visions, and acknowledged them as visions, he knew he was still hanging on, however weakly, to his own mind.
But that was the problem, he discovered. The more of the visions he had, and the more frequent they became, the more he began to wonder if, just maybe, these so-called images weren't just images, but something... something more. Just what that "something" was, he couldn't begin to guess, but a part of him had to wonder...
A pair of slender arms slid themselves around the young man's neck, holding him in a soft, intimate embrace. He stiffened at the touch, but was immediately released from his worries by the call of a familiar, quiet voice. "Houuu-juuuun..."
The blue-haired youth relaxed immediately, leaning back against his beloved's chest, and closing his eye in relief. Ah, it was only Kouran. Nothing to worry about.
Wait a minute.
"Kouran!?" Turning a color somewhere between red and violet, the now-chibi young man yelped and scrambled out of her hold. He splashed deeper into the pool and ducked down, panting heavily. He kept his head averted from her face, praying that the water had been foggy enough to cover up anything... anything that didn't need to be seen, especially by a member of the opposite sex. The laughter of his female companion reached his ears; Houjun blushed brighter and scowled, trying to forget the way her breasts felt against his back. Now was not the time. "W-what are you doing in here? Did I get the wrong hot spring? I thought this one was for the men..."
He could hear her amusement, as she replied, "No, you're in the right place I just thought... well the inn's deserted this evening, it's just the two of us, and I thought you might want a little company." Her voice softened, and for a moment Houjun thought he heard the smallest bit of a tremor in her tone. "You've been alone so much recently..."
"I appreciate your thoughtfulness," he said, attempting not to sound too eager or too annoyed. Either way, it would probably be bad for him. "But this is a divided hot springs, and, eto, we're not even engaged or anything, so, it just doesn't seem right that we should, um... it just wouldn't be decent, you know, so..."
Kouran's light, tinkling laughter rang out through the spring once again. "Houjun, would you please wipe the blood off your nose and turn around?"
The young man scowled, too irritated by her comment to do anything but comply. "I didn't get a nosebleed..." he grumbled, jerking his head backwards quickly. She had asked him. It was all right to take a quick peek as long as she asked him... Houjun blinked, surprised and a little disappointed to see his beloved clothed in one of The Dancing Dragon's bathing robes. The light blue material wrapped tightly around her body from her ankles to her shoulders, tied in front with a similarly colored obi. The robe did not fit properly, and had slipped down to reveal a bit more of her chest than was considered polite, but otherwise there were no rules being broken. Well, not on her side, anyway, he reminded himself as he realized he was still very much naked in the steaming water.
The young woman chuckled at his reaction and took a seat at the edge of the steaming pool. "Oh, please don't look so sad, if I hadn't worn the robe we really would have been in some trouble."
"Sad?" he gulped and looked down, doing his best not to stare at her gorgeous figure. He had always found her attractive, but now that she was dressed in such a tight-fitting garment... by gods, you couldn't really tell anything about a woman under all the robes they typically wore! "Listen, you should probably go back to the other side. And, if you're lonely, I mean, tired of the springs, then we can always do something else."
Houjun did not look her way, but he could hear the disappointment in his beloved's voice. "You're right. I apologize. This really isn't like me, I don't know what came over me... I just, I just kept thinking about you, alone in here, with no one to talk to if you needed to talk about, well, anything I guess... but maybe you don't want to talk at all... and I should just respect that, right...?" She glanced up, noticing that he was watching her now. She met his single eye with her own pair of soft brown ones, making sure they leaked sorrow. "I really am sorry, Houjun. I'll leave you alone, now, okay?" Her robes swished against the ground as she rose, preparing to leave and praying he would try to stop her.
The young man's eye widened at the sound, surprised by the jolt it sent to his heart. It was as if his last chance at salvation were getting up and walking away, and he had been stupid enough to encourage it! Houjun whirled as he realized with sudden clarity that, above all else, he couldn't possibly be allowed to be alone, not now or ever again. Not when he was so close to that edge, so close to plummeting off of it forever... so close to losing everything, his friends, his family... Kouran...
Kouran!
"Matte!" he cried desperately, barely remembering to keep himself hidden under the water as he stood to watch her departure. "Kouran, wait! Please...!" she paused, turning her head just in time to see him slip against the ground in his haste, hands barely catching his fall. "Please..." he whispered, looking down and finding himself staring at his own desperate, pathetic reflection, "don't apologize. And don't go. Not yet." Not ever.
"Houjun?" The young woman hurried to the water, but hesitated at the pool's edge. Common decency demanded that she not even be alone in the same room, never mind in the same bath, with a man that wasn't her husband, particularly an unclothed man... oh, etiquette be damned! Kouran thought vehemently, and - after grabbing her beloved's discarded robe from the shoreline - darted into the water, kneeling down just short of where the young man sat. "Are you all right? Is everything...?"
He smiled weakly, devotion and gratitude radiating from his single mahogany orb. "I'm fine, but I think this hot spring has had enough of me. Why don't we go get dinner in the lobby? I hear their yellowtail is exquisite." He propped himself up a bit, touching Kouran's pale, frightened cheek with one hand. "Then, maybe, we can... talk. I think I'd like that."
Kouran's look of concern was quickly replaced by one of happiness. Houjun wanted to talk. Better yet, he wanted to talk to her! Surely, now, she could fix everything, she could begin the painstaking task of helping her beloved sew his life back together... oh, thank the gods!
Houjun took the robe out of her nerveless hand, grinning a little as she turned around to allow him time to dress himself. He fastened the obi tightly, touching her shoulder to let her know he was finished. "We should probably get out of here. If someone came in I can't imagine what they'd think."
The young woman offered him a hand as he came out from the deeper portion of the pool. "Oh, I'm sure we'd be all right," she assured him. Kouran looked down, blushing a little as she spoke her next words. "We could always just tell them we were newlyweds. That seems to explain away a lot of... 'impolite' behavior, don't you think?"
"Newlyweds, huh...?" the young man chuckled, though he certainly didn't find the idea to be a far-fetched one. "I wouldn't mind the sound of - woah!"
As one of his feet caught against the side of the hot spring, Houjun slipped, grabbing onto Kouran in an attempt to keep his balance. The young woman fell backwards under the weight, and found herself pinned tightly against the wooden partition that divided the pool, up to her waist in spring water. Kouran laughed, turning her eyes to find her beloved's face less than an inch away from hers. "Clumsy one, aren't you? It's really..." She trailed off, noticing the strange, reverent look in Houjun's eye. She had only seen that look from him a few times before, and that in another lifetime, right before they...
The young man's mahogany orb roved over his beloved's body, from her slightly exposed chest to her perfectly shaped, gentle almond eyes. He brushed a strand of wet lavender hair out of her face, his finger trailing down her forehead to her bottom lip. By gods, she was beautiful. He said her name in a wavering whisper, as if afraid to break the trance that hovered between them. "Kouran..."
"H...hai?" Her sparkling orbs had switched from amusement to a curious look of fear and excitement. She was amazing like that, the way she could be terrified of something but captivated at the same time. Especially about something like this. He loved that about her. He loved everything about her.
Without warning or the usual hesitation, the young man pressed his lips gently against his beloved's own, enthralled by the fire that raced through them at the gesture. His previous worries seemed to vanish with the action, dissolved in the fires of their mutual love... oh, he never wanted it to end, this brief moment of bliss...
Houjun's eye widened as he realized what he was doing, and, fighting against his instincts, he pulled away reluctantly. He could see the same look of passion in Kouran's eyes, but that didn't excuse his actions. He shouldn't have done it, shouldn't have just, just lost himself like that! "I'm sorry," he gasped, out of breath, every nerve screaming against his timid actions.
"Don't be," Kouran assured him, and, gripping his chin, returned the fiery kiss with her own.
Houjun slammed one hand against the wooden partition to keep his balance, but found the other roving where it pleased, one by one discovering the many treasures of his beloved's body. Kouran made no move to stop him, only gripped his shirt tighter in her fists, pulling her lips from his just long enough to whisper his name before diving back into the passionate abyss. Oh gods, she was so beautiful, everything about her was beautiful, he had wanted her, wanted this, for so long... he wanted to give her everything, everything he had and would ever be. He loved her so much, and now he could prove it to her, prove it in the most beautiful way he could, in a way that was just as beautiful as the woman he adored.
Without realizing it, Houjun found his hand at the bottom of Kouran's robe. A part of his mind screamed against what he did next. It wasn't right, what if she wasn't ready, what if she didn't want it, they weren't even engaged, they shouldn't, they couldn't...
Softly, in faltering movements, he started pushing the thin material out of the way. Kouran, understanding his intentions, pulled back, meeting his frightened eyes with her own. "Houjun..." she said quietly. "I, I don't know... I don't know if we should do this. Not here. Not now."
"It's all right," he assured her, pausing only briefly between kisses. "We're 'newlyweds,' remember? It's understandable."
The young woman shook her head, turning her face away. "That's not what I mean. It's just... Houjun, I... I just don't... I'm a little scared, is all..."
Houjun paused, her words bringing him back to himself with alarming speed. She was frightened. He wouldn't do it if she were afraid. He refused to do something like that to his beloved, no matter how much the rest of his body screamed for it. "So am I," he admitted, stroking the side of her face tenderly with one finger. "But I also love you, Kouran. More than anything, more than fear and doubt, I love you." Houjun took a deep, controlling breath, forcing out his next words, even if he didn't want to say them. "But... but if you don't want to, I won't, we'll stop, and-"
Kouran cut him off with a fierce, almost protective kiss. She pulled away, unknotting her hands from his shirt and bringing them up to his face. Suzaku help her, she loved him so much. But she couldn't admit to wanting this, she couldn't admit that underneath her fear she wanted it as much as he did. It just wasn't in her nature. If only he would stop being so careful, so hesitant in his actions and just push forward without asking her permission... "No," she finally said. "I don't want that, either."
"So," he asked in a quiet, husky voice, bringing his mouth a hairsbreadth from hers, "what exactly do you want? Just name it, aijou [beloved], just name it and I'll give it to you."
"What I want...?" the young woman ran her hands through his loose hair, pushing his wet bangs out of his face in the process. "I just-" Kouran's eyes fell on Houjun's disfigured eye, on the pale, jagged scar that raced across the left side of his features. It was the first time she had ever really seen it, ever seen the injury that her beloved had suffered, all at the hands of her cowardice and Hikou's passion.
The sight brought her back to reality with a jolt, and without realizing it she winced, just slightly. How could she have ever done such a thing, albeit unintentionally, to the man she loved so much? 'Oh, Houjun, how can you still love me after that?' she moaned to herself.
The grimace did not go unseen by Houjun's remaining eye, nor did he miss what had caused the expression. The young man pulled away, swiping his bangs back across his scar and adjusting the mussed appearance of his bathrobe. The moment had been ruined. Perhaps it was for the best. Kouran deserved someone as perfect as she was, after all... and he... well, he... "We should go," he said quietly, almost coldly. "It's getting late, and what if someone saw us?"
Kouran's eyes widened. He hadn't cared about that a moment ago. Had he... had he seen her look? Did he - did he actually believe-? "Houjun, please, I wasn't... I'm sorry, but I..."
He stood, backing away and politely helping his beloved stand in the shallow waters. He made sure to keep the disfigured side of his face turned away from his female companion, just in case she caught the glint of the scar in the waning light. "Don't apologize. It's not your fault. It's not..." but he never finished his sentence, just took her hand in his and led her from the waters.
The pair made their way in almost complete silence up the Inn stairs, down the small hallway and to their adjoining rooms. Kouran ached to comfort him, to explain the real reason for her grimace, to beg him to forgive her for all sins, past and present, but she couldn't find the right words. She could never find the right words, it seemed. Besides, to tell him everything would ruin her cover, would ruin this world that she had worked so hard to make. Telling him might ruin his future as easily as remaining silent would.
Houjun pulled to a halt, glancing up at the pale wooden door that led to his room. "This is mine," he remarked in the same deadpan voice he had been using for the entire trip. It was probably better this way, to close himself off and just forget about everything. How could he have been stupid enough to think he needed company? He was a sinner, a murderer even, if not in this life than in some other. He hardly deserved comfort.
"And, this is mine," the young woman remarked in an almost timid tone, nodding towards the room next door. She glanced at Houjun out of the corner of her eye, hoping to see some emotion in his apathetic visage. Sorrow, reluctance, even anger would have been better than that look of uncaring, as if nothing mattered anymore.
Kouran opened her mouth to explain, to give her beloved some kind of comfort, but he cut her off before she even began. "I'll see you in the morning. Oyasumi." He opened his room door and disappeared into the darkness inside, leaving Kouran with so many unspoken words on her trembling lips.
The young woman crossed the hall in a few short steps, touching her palm to the door's handle. "You said it wasn't my fault," she whispered under her breath. "If only you knew, Houjun, if only you know how much it is my fault. I just wish... I just wish I could make it up to you... somehow..."
Kouran longed to throw open the door, to embrace him and promise that no matter what happened she would always love him, she would never feel differently about him. She wanted to go to him, needed to go to him, but some part of her body would not let her. Something always held her back. Something that she couldn't place, some kind of fear - in herself, in him, in this fragile world they had built? - that kept her from being at his side. It always kept her from being at his side, just when he needed it the most.
"I want to help you so much, Houjun... but... why... why can't I do that...?" Her hand dropped from the door in defeat. She turned her eyes to the ground, clenching her fists in anger at her helplessness, at all her fears and doubts. Kouran felt tears leak their way from her eyes as she cursed herself to the deepest pits of Hell for her all her sins, all her weaknesses. She would lose him for certain, if this went on. If she could not even comfort her beloved, if she couldn't even meet his eyes at a time like this, then she would lose him, again and forever to that horrible, nightmare of a world. Stupid, useless whore that she was, unable to save even the man she loved!
"But I can't do anything, not a damned thing! I don't even have the courage to face you, to help you when you most need me. I never do. Maybe I never will..."
The young woman sighed heavily, closing her eyes and putting a hand to her forehead. "I'm so disgusting."
Once inside the safe walls of his room, Houjun collapsed on his bed, turning his eyes upwards to the darkened ceiling as he tried to wipe his mind clean of the evening's events. As he tried to forget Kouran's open-mouthed desperation, right before he had closed the door in her face. He cursed himself quietly, knowing how stupid and selfish he had been but unable to do anything about it. He should have stayed with her, he knew he should have stayed with her, but after the incident in the hot springs he just didn't feel that he could. Not after she had looked at him like that, as if somehow his injury were her fault, as if she had been the cause for all his pain and sorrow.
More than that, more than that, a part of him chided. He could not face her because he was afraid to face her, because he was afraid of what he might say. Because a part of him wanted to place the blame on his female friend. On both she and Hikou, who, if his visions were right, had cruelly betrayed him for one another. But that was wrong, because of course they hadn't betrayed him, she was right here with him, had nearly given her entire being to him a moment ago... No, no, Kouran would never do that to him. She didn't deserve his blame.
'Not in this world, anyway...'
Houjun shook that thought from his head, the constant thought that had been nagging him since the accident. The part of him that began to question how real his reality was, and if maybe, just maybe, those visions had more validity than anything else... But no. Kouran's touch was too real, her laughter and gentle voice too authentic, her kisses too wonderfully sweet for them to be false.
But what other explanation did he have, other than a steady decrease in his sanity...?
"Oh, Suzaku, I need some answers," he groaned to the darkness of his room. "Except that I don't want answers. Not any more. Not even again. I just want release. Release from this torment, from these visions, from those voices..."
'And I had nearly achieved that this evening,' he thought to himself. 'When I was with Kouran, when we were together, it was like I forgot about all my problems. The visions always disappear when she holds me, those constant calls vanish completely, even the old images seem to fade into the background a little.'
Gods, he needed her so much. He wanted, so desperately wanted, to run into her arms and sob out everything, all his fears and doubts, all his visions and thoughts and worries... wanted to dump all of his problems upon his beloved and force her to help him carry them. Because he was tired of carrying them alone; because he could no longer carry them alone. He wanted to make her promise that she would never leave his side, that she would always be with him to chase away the nightmares and false memories, to be his port in this unmanageable storm.
Which was what sickened him the most. How could he do that to his beloved; how could he even think of doing that to her? She had her own worries, her own concerns. This was hard on her, too, though it took every ounce of his being to acknowledge that fact. She loved him, cared so deeply for him, and he wanted to use her as his own personal shield! What was wrong with him? Had these visions ripped away so much of his soul that he didn't even have his self-respect anymore? That he couldn't even treat Kouran right; that he wanted her to protect him, rather than the other way around?!
He already knew his answer. It was not an answer he enjoyed.
Houjun sighed heavily, closing his eyes and putting a hand to his forehead. "I'm so disgusting," he murmured to the murky gloom of the night.
*****
Hao, minna-san!
Goodness, I'm getting really bad about updating, aren't I? I blame it all on school and sports - they've taken away my social life and my internet life. Pity me, O Readers; mine is a crazy, crazy existence. Actually, I probably could have posted this last week, but as I'm sure most of you know Chapter 17 of "Bridge Over the Abyss" came out. Need I say more? And yes, that is my grand excuse. I'm so pathetic.
Random Chapter Comments Okay, I think that when an author puts excrutiating work into a chapter, toiling endlessly over scenes and re-toiling endlessly over those scenes, they have a right to complain about that, and let their readers know just how much toiling went into that piece of work. Ergo, I'd like you all to know that the Toil-&-Curse-O-Meter for Verse 14 was astronomical, a 10.5 and then some. Now, I shall explain why. First off, having just written what is essentially the climax to the First Movement (Verse 13), hopping off that pedestal and moving back to a slightly slower-paced, but no less dramatic, Verse was a bit difficult. In many ways this was a transition chapter, and those tend to be murderous anyway. The number one reason was, however, the "Steam Scene" between Houjun and Kouran, a scene I stressed, mulled and tore my hair out over numerous times, unsure how I wanted it portrayed and unsure if that portrayal was even remotely correct. The truth is, it's very hard to write about something you've never experienced, and I, Miss Purity, Miss Sweet-Sixteen-and-Only-Kinda-Been-Kissed, have never experienced anything like what Houjun and Kouran were undergoing in that chapter. It was so, so hard, but I managed to pull something off, and now I can only sit back, be content with my final copy, and hope that you all found it satisfactory as well.
Answering Reviews First of all, as always, I'd like to welcome my newest readers, FYFanGirl-san and Wingweaver-san, to the wubulous (yes, wubulous) world of RFS! Hopefully my rather scattered updates haven't turned you away from my works already, heheh...
--To Everyone, on Verse 13 Thank you all so much for your praises for Verse Thirteen! When you really put your heart into something, the only thing better than telling yourself "job well done" is knowing that others appreciated that work, too! So, thanks one and all for showing your support for this fanfic thus far, and I can only hope I continue to entertain you as this bit o' epic continues.
--To... Almost Everyone, Again, on Kouran *Mega-Mega-Sweatdrop* Y'know, she wasn't developed to be a hated character... *Sadness* I hope that before this Movement is over, I might be able to sway you to the "Kouran-Sympathizers" side. I mean, be honest: would you want to let Chichiri go, especially if you thought his "real world" was a living hell?
--To Fire Pendant-san, on Hikou Well, yes, Hikou does know that Chichiri has friends in the real world, which is why he's skeptical about what they're doing. But you have to remember that Hikou and Chichiri haven't seen one another in about fifteen years, and a lot can happen in fifteen years. So, that's where Hikou's main struggle comes from: his desire to please Kouran and "help" Houjun, and his concern that maybe Houjun's real world isn't so bad as they've been led to believe.
--To Roku-senpai, on lots of things Ah, yes, the "modern-day references"... well, you've successfully touched the one spot of this fanfic that's been giving me a nervous tic since day one. Some of the modern-day speech, like "no way," was intentional, and basically just meant to convey that they're pretty much ordinary high schoolers - you know, to help people relate to them - but the other things, like the school system... *super wince* I wrote a lot of that in my "well it isn't actually Ancient China so I can take liberties" mood, but that didn't last very long and it left me grimacing about the references. I went back and re-did a lot of that, it was really ugly before, but several of the scenes it was simply impossible for me to edit without taking away from the story, and other things I never really picked up on, like my "college" remarks. So, I'm working on my re-edit job and am diligently trying to trim that down a bit, but for now I can only promise to try and do better in the future.
And I have no idea what they wear for underwear; I assume it's a type of loincloth, or something like the diaper things they wore in Japan. Maybe I'll look into that, if I get the chance. And don't you know? Mind-f*ck is fun! I like to think that's what I'm doing with my readers, in fact... *supergrin*
Quote of the Week: "We're big kids now, we can write bigass paragraphs!"
~~My English Teacher, talking about our next essay paper~~
Verse Preview? The final Verse of the First Movement. Dreams and hopes, love and truth... but which will prevail?
Your Mind-F*cking Author,
Dee ~_^