Chapter 5: Friendship and fear

I was right about his age; he was 18. That also explained why I hadn't seen him before. It was his second year here, and I therefore didn't attend to any of his classes. We'd talked for hours at the long dark table, before we parted for the day.

I couldn't fall asleep that night. I tried all the well-known positions: on my back, on my left side, on my right side, on my tummy, with my feet on the pillow. Nothing worked, my mind kept going on and on about the usual stuff: JACOB! I wouldn't admit it though, I blamed it on the fact that real vampires didn't sleep. Stupid, I know, but when you're lacking sleep, you're lacking brain too.

We met up again on Sunday. It seemed like an old habit, when he at breakfast grabbed my juice and sat down next to a very exhausted me, not even a hello, and we were chatting like old friends. He did most of the talking, of course he did, and I didn't have much to tell. But after several succeeded attempts to make him talk about his life, he'd finally won and made me talk. It was hard to explain my life to him, but I'd chosen something he might have a little chance to relate to; Jacob.

I'd told him about how we'd been best friends forever, and that we now were at the next stage. About how I ran off to Canada, to find myself, about the letters that he kept sending. And last I told him about the phone call; leaving out the part about him finding out through Leah's thoughts. He'd said that I had to write to Jacob about my feelings, because he couldn't interrupt a letter, which was a stupid idea to me at first. I mean a letter could potentially ruin everything. Just one word misunderstood, and boom! He could commit suicide. Despite of all those fairly good reasons, William still managed to convince me it was a maybe not good, but not bad idea either.

So we were now sitting in my room on a Sunday; him typing away on his biology project regularly checking if I was still there, me with an empty paper and a pencil, ready to write down the letter for Jacob, as soon as I came up with something. I was completely blank.

William looked over at me for the millionth time and sighed. "You know, I'm not leaving until you're done, and it's posted." he said and smiled an encouraging smile.

I smiled back but not as enthusiastic; I was too drained to do anything enthusiastically. Drained of energy, drained of will and drained of happiness. "I just don't know what to write" I complained with a moan. This letter was not an easy thing to write. In fact it was impossible to write. Every single word had to be reconsidered, so he wouldn't misunderstand it.

"Let's make a deal. If you finish that letter before midnight, I promise to ask Julie out" he said and tilted his head curiously to see if I was that easy to negotiate with. I thought about it for a while. Was I that easy? I could always rip it out of the postman's hands, if I regretted. Plus I really wanted him to ask Julie out. She would say yes, I was sure of it. If not, she would definitely be banned from my potential friend-list forever, and make her way all the way down to the kill-me-if-you-see-me-with-it list… and yes, it, because genders doesn't exist in hell. Calm down, I thought to myself. I didn't even have a list. Also, I knew she would say yes. I just knew it. It just had to happen.

"Deal!" I answered loudly. "Now be quiet so I can think" I said in a serious voice but ended it with a little laugh. He laughed too, and spun the chair around so he was once again facing his computer. I too returned to my paper and started writing.

Dear Jacob Black

I know you're really angry with me right now, and I'm sorry. I really am. About the unwritten letters; I broke my promise, but you have to understand how hard this is for me.

I erased everything, and sighed. I couldn't write it was hard for me. He would definitely misunderstand that. As I'd said; it was impossible. I groaned and childishly threw the pencil and paper on the floor, though it felt more like dropping it, when I didn't use my real strength. William didn't turn around to see what had caused the sound; instead he cleared his throat as if to remind me of our deal. I sat still for a moment, deliberating, before I picked the paper and pencil up. I gave it another shot, this time thinking before writing.

Dear Jacob Black Even that part was difficult. Hi or dear? Jake or Jacob? Black or no Black? I decided on the formal choice, because you couldn't misinterpret that, right?

This is the first letter I've ever written for you, since we've never been apart before. I know you're going to try to make all kinds of interpretations, but I'm sure the first thing you read is the right way to understand this. After all you do know me the best.

I could feel a tear forming in the corner of my eye, and as the tears started flowing so did the words.

First of all I'm really genuinely sorry I hang up on you a few days ago. Today is two month since we parted, and I won't even bother to ask if you remember that day. I've read all of your letters a thousand times, but none of them gave me the courage to write a reply. Today I found something that did. His name is William and it's his second year here. I know you probably think we're dating, but we're not! William has a huge crush on a girl named Julie, and besides I don't see myself as available. Again I have to remind you to not take this the wrong way. What I meant was that I'm not ready for dating, and I'm sure about that, because I tried it Friday. Please don't freak out, it ended in total chaos, and I have no intentions of meeting him again. About coming home; it's just not an option at the moment. I know how hard this is for you, and I'm sorry. Please let me do this.

Thank you.

I love you forever and a weekend more

Renesmee Carlie Cullen

I folded the paper once and put it in an envelope. I wrote Jacob's address with the closest thing to a shaky hand you could get in the vampire world, and took a deep breath. I'd done it. I'd written a letter for Jacob. It wasn't a long letter, but I could finally get rid of some of all the guilt I carried around with me. But nothing had changed. I still felt empty in some way; like I still needed to apologize to him. Why couldn't my mind stop thinking about him for one tiny second? I supported my forehead in my hands and groaned for the third time.

"What's wrong?" William said and I was once again stunned by how British two words could sound. I looked up now, supporting my chin in my hands instead of my forehead. I hadn't noticed him turning around to look at me, but he was. He was frowning, like he was afraid he'd hurt me. He hadn't, I was just being an idiot.

"I just miss him" I said and my voice broke. I could feel the tears slowly making their way down my cheek. I wiped them away quickly and looked away from William's anxious glare.

William rose from the chair he'd been sitting in and walked over to me slowly, deliberating every single step.

Even though we'd known each other for 34 hours we still hadn't touched each other, only when we shook hands, and that had been slightly awkward. I could feel tension in the atmosphere now, as he was about to hug me. I smiled a little smile at him, but it came out wrong. I looked like I was on the edge of a mental breakdown.

The little unsecure smile made up his mind and he crossed the room quickly and sat down beside me on my bed. He looked at me and stroked my back with a trembling hand. I buried my face in my hands and felt the tears creating puddles in my palms. It felt like blood running down my wrist down my arm and ending its journey soaking in to my jeans. He kept stroking my back. Up and Down. Down and Up. Up and Down. Down and Up. I tried to focus on the rhythm and control my breathing.

How could he just sit here, not freaking out or sprinting for the door? He must feel really guilty. Even though we'd only known each other for 34 hours, there still was an undeniable strong bond between us. After sometime the backstroking helped. I looked up at William, who'd been looking at me the entire time.

"I'm sorry you had to see this" I said and sniffed whilst smiling.

He looked at me with confusion. "You're sorry? I was the one pushing you in to writing the letter" he said and the corners of his mouth turned down.

"I miss him all the time; it's neither you nor the letter's fault." I said and smiled, trying to change the subject I added: "Speaking of you pushing me in to writing a letter. You owe me to see you ask a certain Julie out on a date"

The mentioning of Julie first made his eyes sparkle and then made him moan; he did not want to ask her out. "Do you even begin to realize how hard this is for me? I mean she probably doesn't even know I exist" He complained, like a teenage boy complaining to an embarrassing mother, about how she didn't get the lives of the young.

"Of course she's aware of your existence. I mean have you heard yourself? That accent is pretty hard to not notice" I said and laughed a carefree laugh. It was my time to encourage him, and it either worked or he was a very polite man, who laughed when other people laughed at their own jokes. Either way he laughed.

"Nice confidence boost" his voice wasn't sad anymore. He was ready to go for it.

"Well, she probably won't be thrilled if you knock on her door in the middle of the night, so you should get going" I said and for some reason I stood up, even though I wasn't the one leaving.

He mirrored me, and took a deep calming breath. It looked like he was trying to convince himself that it was a good idea.

"Wish me luck," he said as he waved and closed the door.

I smiled to myself as I dropped myself on the bed. If Julie didn't say yes to Will, I didn't know what I would do. He was such a sweet boy, and every girl or at least every sane girl would say yes and kiss him on the spot. I folded my hands as if to pray to God. A god I didn't believe existed. I repeated the same things in my head over and over: Please say yes, Julie! Please smile, Jacob! Please forgive me, Jacob! Please let me see William again! Please say yes, Julie! Please smile, Jacob! Please forgive me, Jacob! Please let me see William again! Please say yes, Julie! Please smile, Jacob! Please forgive me, Jacob! Please let me see William again!

I was in the middle of one of those dreams where I'm not exactly aware of what's happening – just familiar faces appearing and disappearing- when I was woken by the sound of a closing door. This time it hadn't been slammed like two nights ago, and I was grateful for that.

I opened my eyes and was a little stunned by how late or early it was. When my eyes had adjusted to the darkness- the room was only lit up by a stream of moonlight from the window- I saw the contour of a person sitting on Ally's empty bed with his back to me. My first reaction was horror: who had sneaked into my room in the middle of the night? And why had he done this? I would have noticed if the person had tried to hurt me, right? Or had I been too far in to unconsciousness to notice? Why was the maniac just sitting there not looking at me?

My eyes were now fully adjusted to the lack of light, and I could see who it was; William. My brain was still half asleep, and that explained some of the weird thoughts that ran through my mind: Oh, he wants to sleep here and keep me company. How nice. Weird that he's sitting, and not laying, but maybe that's just his 'style'. I should try that some time. Then again, why exactly would he want to sleep here?

I finally remembered why he wasn't supposed to be here: Julie! Why wasn't he with Julie? Did she say no? Is he overwhelmed by her positive reaction? He had to be, because I couldn't survive otherwise, right? It felt like my head was about to explode. What had I done? Had I just screwed up his life? Poor guy and it was my fault, but of course partly Julie's too, but mine mostly.

"I hope you're practicing the art of silent joy" I croaked out with a voice that too was half asleep like the rest of my body.

William jumped at the sound of my voice, and turned around to look at me. The moonlight from the window was reflecting in his wide open eyes, washing out the color leaving them a dark shadow of gray. They looked wet, like he'd been crying. He took a deep breath and smiled apologetically, but his smile didn't reach his eyes. She'd said no. Kill me.

"I'm sorry I woke you" he said and swung his legs over the bed so his entire body was facing me still sitting on the bed. I lifted my upper body, supporting myself with my arms. Then I leaned my back against the headboard, my head against the wall, and focused my tired eyes on the ceiling.

"You're forgiven. Now tell me how bad the Julie confrontation went" I said and closed my eyes. It wasn't that I didn't care about what happened; I was just so tired. I hadn't been sleeping probably all week; chaos was everywhere and made it impossible to sleep well.

"Well… I went over to her room and knocked, all ready for being charming and stuff. Then when she opened I was dumbstruck immediately, and my entire vocabulary was long gone. I tried to smile, but it came out all wrong, and I ended up looking like an idiot. She asked what I wanted and with my vocabulary nowhere in sight, I stammered my way through something that sounded like this" I could hear him clear his throat to make his impersonation just right;

"H…hi? I…I… don't…. know… if…if…you… eh… know… me...b…bu…but…I was just… eh… eh…wondering…if… you… eh…maybe… eh… wanted… to go out… with me" his stammering was very impressive – had he been rehearsing?- and his voice faded in the right way at the end, like the unpopular asking the celebrity out. Even though I hadn't been there I could feel the awkwardness running through my veins like a virus.

Will cleared his throat again and continued the story. "She looked at me with one of those pity faces, have you ever seen one of those? It is awful." he shook his head, "She said that she thought I was sweet, but that she already had a boyfriend, and then, speaking of the devil, her big muscular boyfriend steps out with a smirk on his brawny face. It was so awkward, I swear, I was almost drowning in my own sweat. The boyfriend laid his huge sturdy arms around her tiny ballerina-like body," when talking about her his voice changed in to a small idolizing one "as if he owned her." and back to the angry voice again, "She blushed, smiled a sympathetic smile and closed the door right in my face. And how can she look sympathetic? She's never experience anything like this? Nobody has!" His voice got higher and higher and mixed with his British accent, I had a hard time suppressing a chuckle.

"Then why didn't you come back earlier?" I asked as soon as I had my unlaughed laughter under control.

"I didn't want to come back here crying like a baby, so I went out for a walk," he explained his voice normal again and shrugged.

"Isn't it dangerous to walk around outside in the middle of the night? I mean, especially if you're close to a mental breakdown, right?" I asked and smiled, still with my eyes closed. I didn't know if he was looking at me, but I didn't think he was. He seemed like he was staring at the floor, just like the day I met him. Was it only 2 days ago? Wow, it was weird how time passed by, when you had good company.

"Yeah, but my mind wasn't working, and I really needed some air. It was strange, though. As I was out, I saw this shadow of something. It looked like a bear, but the shape was more like a huge dog. I hope it was just my imagination, because I really wouldn't want that thing anywhere near people."

My eyes flew open in shock, and I gasped out loud, as it sank in what he'd said. A huge dog? The size of a bear? It sounded too familiar. Why was Jacob here? Hadn't I told him to stay away? How long had he been out there?

"Was it as big as a bear or maybe a horse?" I whispered, even though he'd just told me that was the case.

"Yes…" he said and looked at me with a confused face.

"And it looked like a dog or a wolf. What color was its' fur?" I asked while trying to breathe normally. Jacob was close. Very close. The elastic bond that he'd talked about was puling even harder. Just a few minutes of running, and you will be together. You could leave boarding school and live the rest of eternity with Jake. Remember what he said: You can just be friends. Shut up! I thought and hissed at my own thoughts.

"I didn't see the thing, if there even is a thing. I only saw the shadow. Why are you freaking out, like this? Are you searching for a monstrously giant Golden Retriever?" He asked and laughed. I responded with a little laugh myself, but inside I was screaming. My body was craving for Jacob's embrace. I still just saw him as my best friend. Not my soul mate, but the longing was undeniable, friendly longing or not; it was there; twitching my heart in strange ways, reminding me of the torture of my first few days here. Hell on earth, there was no other way to describe it.

"No… I just heard about this bear running wild around here" I lied, and laid my head against the wall again, closing my eyes. I wanted to sleep. Or actually I wanted to wake up, by the sound of William dancing around, because Julie said yes, but that wasn't really an option, was it? My head was thudding with all the new information, and a nightmare was inevitable tonight. I would just have to take it like a man, or a woman, or a girl, or a vampire, or a hybrid, or whatever I was.

"Okay…" he said and yawned, "I better get back to my dorm, so I won't be tired tomorrow too."

"Too?" I asked barely managing to keep myself from not dropping into the comforting unconsciousness of sleep.

"Tired and heartbroken," he explained, "Two things like that could lead to suicide"

"Okay" was all I managed to say, before I fell asleep.

After falling out of consciousness the nightmare came creeping through my harmless sleep. The first thing I saw was a blurry silhouette in the middle of an empty field. It looked like a giant dark spruce, the moonlight glowing behind it. The silhouette changed gradually, it got taller and slimmer, legs started to form below, and I could see arms forming. The dark shape looked like the shape of a tall man. But then the "man" turned his head, and a huge nose was visible and sharp teeth were hanging in the huge mouth under the nose. It wasn't a man; it was a wolf, and not only a wolf; a big dangerous wolf.

I gasped, and the wolf noticed. It turned the huge head back to me, and I could feel it's' hot breath heating my face and chest. The smell was appalling; a mixture of human flesh – probably last meal - and bugs – something the huge beast had swallowed, when opening the enormous jaws. I felt cold, but the warm breath, made me sweat. Huge drops of perspiration ran from my forehead down my nose taking the jump from my nose tip to my lips and then disappearing. I could see how the jaws opened and came closer. One of the tooth duck into my vampire skin like a knife in butter, and drew a line of my blood all the way across the top of my head. I screamed a deep desperate scream.

This was a long chapter (6 pages in Microsoft word!), and that's because the next chapter will change the story completely, and I needed to finish this first. I hope you find the nightmare creepy… I do!
As always, review, review and review (: Even if you did it the last time, it's still very helpful reading your reviews… like Emily Redbird's review was very helpful, because I've added some more thoughts and stuff in this chapter, just for her/you^^
I know I upload every Friday, and I try to keep that promise, but I won't be uploading next Friday because 2 exchange students from Switzerland will be visiting the whole week, and when they go home I'm going to this gathering at the Boarding School I'm going to live at next year. So yeah, sorry, but private life is no. 1 (;
REVIEW… and erhm… Goodbye :D ! xxxx

I LOVE YOU ^^
- The Author 3