Chapter 7: Hopelessness (JPOV)

Jacob's point of view

Can't you stop thinking about Nessie for one tiny second? I'm turning gay over here Leah complained in my head. I rolled my eyes and kept my path. It was a good question though; could I stop thinking about Renesmee for one second? No, it would be impossible, her face lit up my mind all day long; she was a guiding light, my guiding light. Sometimes she would blind me momentarily, if she touched me for example or if she laughed. Her laugh had always fascinated me, a siren calling through the dark; and now I couldn't hear it because she was gone, away having a good time on boarding school with some guy named William. Ugh.

Talk about turning gay, can't you stop thinking about Joseph? I heard Embry ask, and I laughed with him. I wasn't a strong leader, not someone you feared, and that was an important part of our pack. I didn't even call it 'my' pack. No one called it that, we were "The Alaskan pack", or "The Elks" as Paul called us. A simultaneous hate was sent Paul's way as Leah and Embry read my thoughts.

At least I'm dating someone! I heard her bark back. Even though she hadn't meant it that way, I didn't even know if she was talking to me, it still hurt and I slowed down momentarily. Renesmee didn't feel that way about me, and that was fine. I was totally cool with it, but when she started dating, well, the thought just freaked me out. And not because I was afraid to share her; I was afraid he'd break her heart. I sped up quickly again so I wouldn't fall behind in the pattern we'd spent months developing. Vampires rarely passed by, but we were still ready for an attack every hour of the day.

You've known the guy for what, 4 days? Embry snorted. I should really stop them now, but I didn't really care. Arguments weren't rare in our pack, because it didn't bother me, and the others found it fun.

A month tomorrow precisely now you're asking. Leah said and sounded proud of having remembered it. Since she'd imprinted she'd become too goofy and her sarcasm had faded immensely. I liked her better before.

I heard that! She shouted and I winced by the harshness in her tone. Joseph was a touchy subject to her, and even the slightest negative thing about him could cause death. She'd once been so close to breaking Seth in half – he'd mentioned her and Joseph's loudness at night – I'd had to literally hold her back myself. Thank God, I was stronger than her.

Isn't your shift up soon, Leah? I asked and exhaled in relief as I saw through her eyes how close she was to her and Seth's apartment: She couldn't refuse.

Coward I heard her say before she disappeared from my mind. Usually we would race to a certain big pine three when we were arguing – a rule I'd made because I'd gotten tired of the conflicts in our pack; the one that won would get to be right for a day. Then the next day we started over again. But I wasn't a coward; I just didn't feel like racing right now. I never did, not when Nessie wasn't there rooting for me.

I sighed and sped up as I raced east toward Canada, where the next turn in the huge pattern was. My paws thudded, my nose sniffed, my tongue lolled and my wolf body snaked along through the sea of trees. A squirrel jumping past the path I was taking looked at me with its round black eyes, ears pointed up towards the sky. Fear; that was what my exterior caused. Whether I was a wolf or a human, as wolf everyone feared me because of my immensity and big teeth. As a human everyone feared me because of my muscles and the tortured expression, which had become a part of me lately.

Jake, Embry sighed and turned around where he was to run towards me.

I hadn't even noticed how far past the usual corner I'd come. My guiding light had guided me this way. My siren had lured me into forbidden land. Canada was closer than ever, Renesmee was closer than ever.

Don't even think about it! Embry yelled and sped up.

I did think about it, but I turned around too. My pack needed me, or so I'd like to think, because if they didn't I wouldn't have been able to stop myself seconds ago. Would Renesmee loath me if I came and visited her? Or would she jump into my arms and kiss me and…

Why, oh why haven't I imprinted yet? I want to know how one person can turn you into a romantic gentleman and Leah into a goofy passionate teenager. Embry moaned. His tone sounded like he was kidding, but underneath a dream of true love was hiding.

True love my wolf butt, Embry said and chuckled as he sped up and drowned out my thoughts.

Leah's mind came back and I heard Embry moan loudly. What now? Did Joseph meet you halfway with red roses and a card that said I love you in his sweet adorable handwriting? Embry asked and rolled his eyes.

No, I… her thought was interrupted by another suggestion from Embry, this time involving white horses and guitar play. I didn't pay attention, because I was trying to hear Leah's thoughts. The name: Billy kept coming up.

Shut up! She growled at him, she hadn't moved position; she was waiting for us to join her.

Embry was starting to get on my nerves as he babbled on about how Joseph hadn't showed up on a white horse.

Shut up, Embry! I ordered and instantly everything went quiet in his head.

What's up, Leah? I asked as I met her in the small meadow right outside her apartment, where we always met up, when we were wolves. Embry was there too, but he was silent, and seemed offended by my lack of teasing of Leah.

Something seemed odd about her. A stripe of darker grey colored the fur right under her eyes, and I could see her eyes were blank. A huge tear the size of a baseball rolled from her right eye down her cheek and watered the soil underneath her. Leah was not one who cried. What was going on?

I felt my legs buckle under me as I read her thoughts: Billy's dead.

The energy and hope seeping out of me like the air out of a balloon made me transform back to human even though I wanted to stay wolf. I was only half aware of everything going on around me; the rest was blur and people asking how I felt. Words could not describe how I felt: Broken, miserable, like I'd been hit by lighting a billion times and then a trillion times more right in the heart.

No! I needed to be a leader; to stand tall when everyone else was down. I rose only trembling the slightest, and looked at Leah and Embry. Seth had joined too, I noticed, as I put on a pair of cut-offs Embry was holding out for me. They were all in their human form.

"Are you alright?"Leah asked. Her dark eyes filled with tears as her human figure sent me a long pitiful frown.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I said, but my eyes would disagree, so I quickly looked down.

"Jake, I…" she started, and her hand touched my shoulder in comfort.

I shook it off as interrupted her in a harsh tone: "I'm fine!"

I stalked off towards the woods and the house that Nessie used to call home. I heard them talk behind me, Seth spoke: "I think you should talk to him"

"Me?" Embry asked a little surprised.

"You're his best friend," Seth explained.

"No…" Embry said quietly, but still loud enough for me to hear, "Renesmee is"

"If you want talk to him, I will," Seth said in the stubborn tone he always used when his mind was set. His footsteps came closer but we were out hearing range of the others before he caught up with me.

"I don't want to talk, Seth," I said in an annoyed voice.

"I don't believe you. When Harry died…" he started his lecture, but I stopped him before he got really into it.

"This is not like when Harry died. This is my only parent dying. The last time I saw him was one month ago. I didn't get to say goodbye, because I thought: I'll probably see him soon. I have lived alone with him almost all my life. He is one of the few people who know me deep down. He was, but isn't any more, because he's dead!" I'd half whispered all the words except for the last one.

I stalked off with Seth too blown away too follow. That was good. I needed to be alone at the place I was going. The place I found most comfort. The place that I eagerly wished wouldn't be empty when I arrived. The place that I had shared the most tears with. Renesmee's room.

The window was open, just like I'd left it this morning when I went for patrol. The white floor long silk curtains were blowing in the breeze. I opened the window like I'd done so many times before, and crawled inside. The huge king sized bed under the window softened my drop. A few of the 21 – yes, I counted them once – small decorating pillows fell to the floor. They were all different shades of blue, and even though I was a guy, I found them quiet cute. Then again everything I said about Renesmee was positive.

It wasn't until I sat down at her desk filled with pictures of Edward, Bella, Me, Her, Esme, Carlisle, Charlie, Leah, Seth, Embry everybody that I realized I was lonely. My father was dead. Right now he would be lying on a bed with forever closed eyes.

"Billy's dead…" I heard Edward whisper somewhere in the house.

Silence.

Memories from my childhood – me sitting in his lap in his wheel chair him telling the legends, watching him work on the old red Ford in the garage barely big enough for the both of us and a car, the day the doctors confirmed he had diabetes, when he told me about mom's death, mom's funeral – They circled around in my head, fighting against my strong façade.

This was all too much. I felt like screaming, but who should I scream at? Instead of crawling out through the window, I took the door. I barely noticed the shocked faces of Bella and Edward as I for the first time in a long time stalked through their living room and out the front door.

"Oh no, Charlie" I heard Bella's voice shrill in the house behind me as she realized what this meant. Charlie would be crushed. After retiring Charlie and Billy had spent every day together fishing, talking and visiting Sue. Now he would be alone, with nothing to get him up in the morning.

"I have to talk to Carlisle… can you get to Forks yourself?" asked Edward, his voice was weak but determined. It would have angered me that he was leaving her, but right now I didn't have emotion enough to take care of Bella too.

"Of course…" she said and continued with a lot of declarations of love. I tuned them out and started running.

I was heading for La Push, and even though I knew I would regret it, I transformed. It was easy to transform and I loved being a wolf, that wasn't what I would regret. I would regret that the others were now able to read my thoughts.

Jake, are we going to LaPush? Embry asked in a serious voice, because he knew that was how I preferred things when I was sad or angry.

I'm going to LaPush to arrange the funeral, I answered just as monotonous.

No one said anything as we all headed south, but the longing for home echoed through all of our thoughts. Embry had recently been home, but Seth, Leah and I hadn't been home for a month. My home would be empty of course, so was it really that much of a home?

I had to get there fast, that was certain. I needed to get to the hospital; Carlisle would make sure I'd get to see him before he was moved away. He knew my mind better than me, and he knew I wanted to see him. Most people felt the opposite, but I didn't and he knew it. I was positive.

I realized Seth, Leah and Embry were following me to the hospital, and felt bad. They shouldn't see Billy like that, only I was supposed to do that.

Are you sure you can handle this? Leah asked, as all three of them started slowing down.

Yes, I answered and transformed back to human. This was a painful state, emotions were stronger and it was easier to buckle under pressure, but I was strong as a human, and felt that way until I stood in the waiting room of the hospital.

I bit down hard on my lip, as I left again, this time on the verge of tears. Home, I needed to go home, I convinced myself. The forest was too quiet; the trees were too dark; the sky was too gray; the soil was too brown; everything was wrong! Why was everything wrong? I started running still in my human form, and as I did so my heart started beating, longing for home.

My brain tried to tell it that it was just a house that it would be empty that I would be alone there, but my heart wouldn't listen. What a stupid heart!

My house was visible behind the trees and I slowed down. The lights were on, and shone weakly through the faded curtains that covered the windows. It seemed like a house where something nice was going on; a family eating dinner together talking about how their day was. A couple sitting in the couch the man rubbing his pregnant girlfriend's stomach and feeling like he was the most privileged man in the world. An old man and woman listening to the radio and talking about how great life was back in the days. But nothing was happening in there, and that touched me deeply.

I opened the unlocked door – it hadn't been locked since the day I tried opening it with a needle, as seen on TV, and it broke – and then stepped inside the familiar room.

I stood there in the middle of the room as I took in everything I saw. The dishes were still piled up in the sink, as if somebody was home to take care of it right away. The right away that never came. The old painting on the wall behind the dinner table still hung crooked, because I'd never kept the promise I made of fixing it. He would never get to see it hanging perfectly.

My back was turned to the door, so when something smashed open the door I turned around to see the face I missed the most hurdling towards me. Her hair had grown an inch since the last time and was now covering her eyes a little bit. Her cheeks were wet and red, just like her eyes. Her skinny jeans shaped her in a magnificent way, and her dark green tank top suited her just as well. Everything suited her. She was really here. My love. Renesmee!

Authors note:

Jacob's point of view… certainly not the best thing I've written so far, but I just had to include this, because some of you have been asking what he was doing while Renesmee was in Canada, so this is a tiny bit of it according to me :D Also I wrote this in a week, which means I haven't had much time for editing, many typos will be seen.

I didn't give you the full reunion but a huge cliffhanger, ugh, I'm a horrible person xD Bare with me, next chapter will be the reunion from our favorite hybrids point of view ^_^

Someone has been asking why I don't upload more often and I have one answer to that: I don't have time! I won't have time to finish a whole chapter(5 pages in word) in half a week :O So, yeah… every Friday ^^

Review! One button! One Sentence! I would love to hear from you. Also I do take your advice in account; if you don't feel that way, please tell me. And if you don't feel like writing on the review-wall, write to me in the message box-thing :D

Ich liebe dich! Te amo! I love you! Jeg elsker dig! (Sorry, I don't know any other way to say I love you)

-The Author(sarcasticchocolate :p)